The Neon Spectrum
by ExecutiveShrimp
Summary: AU, 2x1: Duo finds out life isn't black and white when he realizes he's in love with his gay roommate. But Heero has no interest in dating a 'straight' man while he struggles with his own identity.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note:**

 **The WARNINGS contain SPOILERS but I recommend you read them so you know what you are getting into.**

 **Welcome to "the little oneshot that could". As has happened before, while writing a oneshot meant to be around 10.000 words, things got a little hand. Even though I previously promised myself not to write another story exceeding 100.000 words, I did. The story was written in full in a manner of weeks; all** _ **116.000**_ **words of it.**

 **Because the story is complete, I can make you a unique promise: fast updates! A new chapter will post every single week (** _ **every Sunday**_ **, barring special circumstances), this gives me time to make necessary revisions and have my beta look it over. There will be 11 chapters of approximately 10.000 words each.**

 **I hope you will enjoy the speedy updates, but above all, I hope you will enjoy the story. It has been a true passion project and a labor of love. Writing it was a great experience, I'd love if you'd let me know if the experience of reading it is also fun.**

 **See you next Sunday ;)**

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 **OVERALL WARNINGS:** **Angst! Drama! Hurt/Comfort elements! Language! OOC-ness! Sexual confusion/identity crisis! Gender identity crisis! Homophobia! Transphobia! Violence (non-explicit)! SEX (explicit)! Minor Dom/Sub Dynamic (honestly so mild it might not even be worth mentioning)!**

 **This story explores the sexuality spectrum as well as the gender spectrum. That means this story includes a Gender-Bending/Genderqueer/Gender-Fluid/Non-Binary Gender Identity character (read: feminization and crossdressing). If that is not something you are open to, please skip this story.**

 **If you decide to read this story, please remember that the featured characters are** _ **individuals**_ **and are not written to represent an entire group of people. I'm not making any statements on what it means to be queer or gender queer. Neither sexuality nor gender identity can be generalized across people – it's different for everyone – and this story is about the experiences of two individuals. I don't mean any disrespect, to anyone, and I hope I've handled the subject with the sensitivity that it deserves.**

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 **Beta: Shima Yi (Thanks so much for doing this!)**

* * *

 **The Neon Spectrum**

 _Not limited to black and white._

 _Not dulled to shades of gray._

 _The spectrum is neon._

 **Chapter ONE – Straight + Gay**

It was two thirty AM when Duo shut the door behind him and paused to listen, even holding his breath. The apartment was quiet, except for the constant hum of the refrigerator directly to his left. Duo toed off his shoes; he had been anxious to get out of them. He hadn't been able to find his right sock and his skin had gotten clammy and disgusting in the leather boot. On one bare foot and one foot clad in an inside-out green sock, he padded across the spacious living room and peeked into the hallway that led to both bedrooms, the shared office, and the bathroom. Heero's bedroom door was closed, as it always was. There was no way of knowing if his roommate was home or not, but there were no light visible under the door, so if he was home, he'd be asleep.

However, roommate-rules were that they were under no obligations to be quiet on the weekends, so he didn't have to tip-toe around. He went back to the kitchen, taking his one sock off along the way and tossing it in the garbage, since it was worthless without its partner anyway. Before he took his foot off the pedal and let the metal lid fall shut, he cocked his head at the sight of the perfectly good sock on top of banana peels and coffee-filters. _Perfectly good but worthless without a partner_ , he mused and let the lid drop before he'd start to feel sympathy for a fucking sock. He fetched himself a beer – bottles of beer and bottles of water were pretty much the only things they kept in the fridge – and then searched the cabinets for a snack.

They had rushed through dinner, both hungry for something else at the time, but Duo knew he should have finished his plate and not skip on dessert. He had a healthy appetite and he needed the fuel for the following sexual activities, but he wasn't really thinking ahead once he felt her foot caress his calf under the table, and go up and up and up. Looking back on it – he could never help but review the evening once it was over, and the responsibility to call for the next date was on his shoulders – the night hadn't gotten more exciting than that, and that was a shame. Especially since he skipped dessert for it.

 _Ice cream!_ His mind supplied and he abandoned a bag of stale chips that he found and ripped open the freezer door. He really had to pull hard to get that thing open. A choir started in on 'Hallelujah' as he was greeted by the gallon tub of chocolate marshmallow ice cream – Heero's 'break-up' ice cream. The flavor was different every time. The gallon tubs usually lasted a couple of break-ups, then he'd come home with something new. His roommate could be so fucking gay sometimes, not that Duo minded – especially when there was ice cream involved. Duo was never hesitant about getting the apartment with the Japanese man who he barely knew at the time, three years ago.

 _No_ _– shit! –_ _four, four years ago_ , he corrected himself. He took the tub out of the freezer – there was only enough left for one serving anyway, albeit a big one – and walked it and his beer over to the couch.

They had both been looking for apartments at the same time and were only shown shit places because separately they couldn't afford anything nice. Duo bitched about it to his best friend, Quatre; and Heero, apparently, bitched about to his best friend, Trowa. Trowa and Quatre had been together since the dawn of time – their ten-year anniversary was coming up – so the two love-birds crossed the streams and suggested Duo and Heero should find a place together. With their combined budget, they could afford a nicer place. Quatre warned Duo that Heero was gay, and Trowa warned Heero that Duo was straight. Before considering moving in together, they had only met each other a couple of times at parties and talked sparingly. Duo couldn't even put a face to the name when Quatre first mentioned him.

Oddly, Heero was the one taking some issue with the thought of a gay man and a straight man living together, while the American honestly didn't care. He grew up in New York, did a year of college abroad in Amsterdam, and thanks to his near lifelong friendship with Quatre, Duo had more gay friends in his life than straight guys. Duo invited him to coffee and managed to convince Heero he was evolved enough that he wouldn't revert into an angry caveman when Heero brought a guy home; pretty soon after that, they found a great apartment, almost precisely half-way between Duo's work and Heero's office, but just a little closer to Duo's – his roommate wasn't going to let him forget it.

Duo already knew having gay friends was great. They didn't shut him down when he wanted to discuss something personal as "stop being a pussy"; no, they listened and gave pretty great advice, and then they'd introduce him to one of their many hot girlfriends.

Having a gay roommate was equally beneficial, or maybe it wasn't a gay thing – maybe it was just a Heero-thing. The guy had great sense of style. The living room looked amazing; it was modern, but comfortable and with soft tones without being boring. They didn't have dinner together every night, but they did more often than not on weekdays and Heero was a great cook. Asian cuisine had been the American's favorite anyway and he didn't even get stuck doing the dishes by himself. During dinner, they always lost themselves in an interesting conversation and heated, though never unfriendly, discussion that lasted longer than the meal; Heero stayed in the kitchen with him and helped him clean. Heero also had all these great skincare products that Duo could use without the embarrassment of having to go to a store and pick out moisturizers and scented lotions for himself – Heero was kind enough to pretend he didn't notice Duo was using them. And since they started lumping their laundry together, with the exception of socks and underwear, Heero had saved him from many mishaps of mixing the colors with the whites.

Finally, it was really great that his roommate had a busy social life, much like him. They both got home late on Fridays and Saturdays – or not at all – and it was never a problem if either of them needed the place for themselves once in a while. If given enough notice, the other could always find someplace else to crash. If not, they mostly kept to themselves in their rooms anyway. Other times, Duo loved playing the jilted boyfriend and scaring the shit out of Heero's dates. With tousled hair, inside out shirt and unbuttoned-fly, they'd run out the door. They'd do this really funny run down the hallway to the stairs, holding up their pants with one hand and holding their shoes with the other. Heero got a good laugh out of it – he had a twisted sense of humor too. He was good company and Duo liked spending time with him. He knew him for four years, but still felt like he didn't understand him; that made Heero captivating and interesting to be around.

 _But the ice cream is the best of all_ , he decided as he brought another spoonful to his lips. He flicked on the TV, just because he couldn't stand the dead-quiet and took a swig of his beer. Some stupid reality show was on but he couldn't even be bothered to change the channel.

So far, Quatre setting him up with Heero as his roommate was the best set-up yet, although not for lack of trying. Even socialite Quatre was running out of friends to introduce him to.

His date for the week had been Madison, the daughter of the neighbor's dogwalker's uncle's best friend… or something. She was perfectly nice – they all were. Duo used to love dating, but lately he was easily bored and he knew it had nothing to do with the women. Something was wrong with him, but he couldn't put his finger on what it was.

The first date with Madison was a week ago, yesterday – a Friday because that was a logical date night. Their second date was last Tuesday: some gallery opening that Duo never really cared for, but it was the kind of thing you're supposed to do. The third date was the day before, but Duo had to cut out early because he got called in for a work emergency. The car that he had worked on and returned to the owner the afternoon before died on the guy halfway along the highway; the owner showed up at the shop just before closing and was cursing up a storm. To assure Madison that it wasn't an excuse to ditch her, they made plans for Saturday as well. Duo didn't really want to go; the Celtics were playing that night, but choosing basketball over a girl definitely wasn't what you're supposed to do. He probably mentioned the game too often during the date though – her attitude switched from pity to frustration and back, until she decided she knew a way to get him to stop whining about missing the game.

She played footsie with him under the table, and then suggested they ask for the check and have coffee at her place instead. Of course, that meant sex and it did make Duo feel a little better. As soon as the night was over and he kissed her goodbye as she was drifting off to sleep, he went home and checked the scores online on his phone. The Celtics had lost.

No dessert and no victory, which meant the team didn't advance to the semi-finals. And on top of it all, he lost his sock because he was too damn curious about the results to search her dark bedroom a little longer. He took another big bite of ice cream and washed it down with beer. Not the best combination.

Keys jingled on the other side of the door and it brought a smile to Duo's face. He waited for his roommate to find the right key and unlock the door.

Noticing that the lights were on, Heero looked around as he stepped into the apartment and quickly spotted Duo seated on the big couch. "Good morning."

"Good morning." He held up his beer as a toast and watched Heero turn around to lock and bolt the door. He looked good in tight, low-riding, black jeans, heavy boots and a forest green shirt that was a little too short on him, showing two inches of golden skin above the waistband of his jeans. He leaned down, unfastened his black boots and put them next to Duo's by the door, before crossing the room to the couch, walking around the glass coffee table. He sat down very slowly and gingerly, and Duo grinned.

The American looked deep into the nearly empty tub of ice cream and inquired innocently: "Rough night?" He didn't see the pillow coming his way until it was too late and he let out a loud, surprised laugh after being hit by the soft item.

"That's my ice cream," Heero pointed out.

Duo smirked sloppily and held out a spoonful. "Want some?"

"It's my _break-up_ ice cream," Heero clarified.

"Ah, right." And _only_ when he was heartbroken did he allow himself such a fatty, sugary indulgence. "Well, just giving you a head's up: it's almost gone now."

"It's fine. Can't break-up if you aren't dating anyone." He leaned his head back and closed his eyes.

"I thought you were seeing this Cohen guy?"

"I _fucked_ 'this Cohen guy'," he corrected matter-of-factly.

"What about tonight?"

"Hm. Logan."

Duo snickered. "Good ol' Logan. Haven't heard his name in a while."

Heero opened his eyes and looked at him as if he had told him something he didn't already know. "I always go to Logan when I'm in the mood for a 'rough night'. Guess I just… haven't felt like it in a bit." He made a dismissive gesture.

Duo chuckled. Heero had a very healthy and unashamed sex-life – it made him jealous sometimes. Whenever the Japanese man was between relationships, he had a couple of 'friends' he could rely on to satisfy his needs. He wondered if that was a gay-thing, or if it was also just a Heero-thing; having people line up to have sex with you whenever you feel like it. Duo felt there was much more ritual involved in straight sex, more courtship. It could be tedious when all you're looking for is someone to keep your bed warm for the night, but the other is looking for "the one". It always made him feel guilty and dirty too; he didn't want to mislead or disappoint anyone, but most women didn't react so well if he admitted to them he just wanted sex.

He had a fuck-buddy once, and that had been great – mutual pleasure and a shared understanding of what it was. Everything went awry when she went through a particularly bad break-up and got the idea in her head that, since they had such a great sexual connection, they could have a relationship. She had called him over for dinner and usually that was code for "half a glass wine before and I'll make you a grilled cheese sandwich after", but he showed up to her apartment and she had actually made dinner: lamb chops. They went on three dates, filled with awkward silences and misunderstood jokes from both sides, and he never saw her again after that.

It wasn't that Duo wasn't also looking for "the one" because he was, but he was getting more and more cynical as he approached thirty and he could tell pretty much instantly if he really liked a girl or not. Lately, he didn't really like any of them, but he still needed certain, basic needs fulfilled.

"What about your night?" Heero asked, pulling him from his musings.

He shrugged. "It was fine." He scraped the last of the ice cream from the bottom of the tub.

"So you heard, huh?"

"What?" Duo cocked his head.

"About the Celtics?"

"Oh… yeah."

"I figured. You never get this morose just because a date didn't go well."

"I lost a sock too," he said with a pathetic pout; Heero chuckled. "Did you watch the game?" Heero was only a casual sports-fan, in the sense that he enjoyed watching most sports, but he didn't have a team to actively root for, probably because growing up he moved around a lot across the States before settling here. He never had the time to get attached to a team, get that 'we' feeling. But, if he recalled correctly, Logan was a pretty fanatic Celtics supporter.

"Of course."

"I bet Logan was pissed."

"He was," the other conceded mildly. "But it doesn't matter much to me if they win or if they lose. The sex is great either way."

Duo smiled and nodded. "Yeah, I guess angry sex can be pretty good too."

Heero snorted. "You make it sound like you've never had angry sex before."

"Not in a long while at least."

"Hn. Mister Nice-Guy."

Duo shrugged and traced the rim of his bottle of beer with his finger. "There's just never a lot of passion lately."

Heero seemed surprised and uncomfortable at Duo engaging in this sudden, personal conversation. They got along well, but they weren't really friends – in the sense that they never spent any time together outside of the apartment – so they didn't talk about the "real stuff". But Duo did want that kind of relationship with him. He always enjoyed coming home, knowing Heero would be there – after work, after another busted date. In his own, unpredictable way, Heero could always make him feel better about anything, without even being aware that he was doing anything in particular to lift Duo's spirits. Duo desperately wanted him to make him feel better about this.

"It's all very polite and by the rules," the American continued. "It's very… vanilla…" he concluded, staring into the empty tub. "And it's weird because I don't see myself as the vanilla-guy. Vanilla is boring – I'm not boring… Am I?"

Heero's response didn't get more eloquent than "Uhhh…"

"And _she's_ not boring either, yet I _am_ bored. How is that normal? I mean, Madison is a really nice girl. She's smart, not afraid to get her hands dirty, can really chug down a beer – that's cool – and she's hot. Super hot. She's a yoga-instructor for fuck's sake. And I had sex with her tonight! But all I can think about are the fucking Celtics and my fucking sock!"

Heero let out a laugh, not fully comprehending how serious Duo was being.

"The only reason I would want to see her again would be to try and get my other sock back, which is exactly why I definitely _shouldn't_ see her again. Be honest, that's weird, right?" His roommate was appropriately hesitant to pass his judgment. "I just want to find the girl to spend my life with, to live with, so I don't have to shack-up with a fucking roommate forever – no offense – but the thought of spending the rest of my life with any of the girls I've been with bores me." Duo threw up his hands in frustration. Passion, friendship, sexual thrill and someone to come home to… was he asking for too much?

"You just haven't found the right girl yet," Heero offered.

Duo mumbled an apology for his odd, emotional outburst and quietly wished to himself there was more ice cream.

They sat in silence for a moment and then Heero announced he was going to bed. He took a shower first and then disappeared into his bedroom at the end of the hallway. With a sigh, Duo got up from the couch, threw away the empty tub of ice cream, and put the empty bottle of beer in the crate with the others under the sink before heading to bed as well.

* * *

X

* * *

Two weeks later, Duo joined Quatre on a shopping trip. Next month the wealthy, blond man was going to Hawaii with his boyfriend for two weeks, and apparently he had "absolutely nothing to wear"; a new vacation wardrobe was an absolute necessity. Tagging along and carrying the shopping bags in exchange for fancy coffee and a free lunch, Duo used their time together to share his concerns about his relationships and dating life with his best friend – who had heard the story a thousand times over.

"Would you stop about the sock, already?" Quatre called from inside the changing room. "I'll get you a new pair if that'll help."

"The sock is a metaphor, Quat." Duo rolled his eyes. "I'm saying I feel alone and like there isn't a matching sock out there to complete me. I thought you gays were supposed to be good at this sort of stuff. Heero wasn't of any help either."

Quatre popped his head out from behind the black curtain of the dressing room in the high-end boutique and presented his smug face. "We _are_ good at this stuff, but just say straight-up – no pun intended – what you mean."

"Okay… well… I guess I just did." He sat back in the velvet chair in front of the dressing rooms and folded his arms across his chest. "So?"

"So… I'm not going to be of any more help than Heero was. You just haven't met the right girl yet." He went back inside and finished getting dressed. A minute later he emerged wearing a pair of nicely fitted white slacks and a button-up shirt with some sort of ostentatious pattern on it. Duo made a face at the outfit as Quatre appraised himself in the mirror. "Don't make that face. We're going to Hawaii. That's about the only place shirts like these are allowed; I have to make good use of that."

"But does Trowa know he's going to Hawaii with a retired straight guy from Lord-weren't-the-eighties-the-best town USA?"

Quatre let out a laugh but protested: "God, Duo, you can be such a cunt sometimes. No wonder a lot of people mistake you for gay."

"Nonono, that would be because of the hair."

His friend laughed again and shook his head at him. He spun around and put his hands on his hips. "Seriously, what do you think?"

"I'll find solace in the fact that I know you'll spend most of your vacation naked in your room anyway."

"I really need to replace you with a gay model," Quatre jested and went back into the dressing room.

"Why? I'm practically a gay guy anyway, except for the sex. You said so yourself."

Quatre poked his head out again. "You know I didn't mean it like that."

The American shrugged. "I know but it's not like I'm offended."

Quatre offered him a smile and went back in to change back into his own clothes.

"I'm just jealous of what you and Trowa have, you know?" Duo muttered pathetically. "The kind of relationship that still excites you after _ten years_. The kind of relationship that's like having sex with your best friend. The kind of relationship where you can dress in the most hideous shirt and not worry that your partner will stop loving you."

"You are an awful, awful friend!" Quatre called from behind the closed curtain, but the remark was followed by a loud laugh.

They finished up in the store. Quatre bought the set, just to spite Duo, and already threatened sending him selfies every day while wearing the shirt. As they headed back towards the parking garage, Quatre bumped his shoulder into Duo's arm and said with a comforting tone: "I know you'll find someone. You're not a lonely sock."

Duo chuckled. "Thanks. But women aren't exactly clamoring to be with me." It was true. He'd like to think of himself as an attractive guy. He was tall, with broad shoulders and big arms, he had a good jawline and kind eyes; and with a wardrobe of almost exclusively black jeans and plaid shirts, he wasn't an adventurous dresser, but he dressed himself well enough. Yet he really had to work for it if he wanted to get a woman to agree to go on that first date with him; after that, it would usually be smooth sailing until they both realized they were a poor match – part of the problem was that Duo no longer felt like putting in the effort.

"That's just because of the gay vibes," Quatre said as they both loaded the shopping bags into the back of the car. "Take today, for example. You spent the entire day shopping with me – carrying my bags and drinking Frappuccino."

"I like spending time with you and I like Frappuccino," he defended. "Besides, shopping is my cardio."

"And that's fine. But we live in a world based on stereotypes, Duo," his blond friend continued tentatively. "You are not the epitome of the straight man."

"Women don't want to be with me because they think I'm gay?"

"Maybe."

"Aren't they supposed to like sensitive men?"

Quatre snorted. "Duo, please. As if _I_ would know what women like. Aside from the Gucci Fall Collection, that is. But I do know there is a matching sock out there for everyone," he said with a wink, "and you will find that girl who will appreciate your kindness, your sensitivity and your hair conditioner." He walked around the car to get behind the wheel.

"I do have great hair conditioner," Duo agreed jokingly and pulled his long, soft braid of hair over his shoulder. He climbed into the passenger seat and let Quatre drop him off at the apartment.

* * *

X

* * *

Heero was in the kitchen, making kushiyaki with soba noodle soup. Duo was keeping him company, after he finished setting the table. He stood with the small of his back leaned against the kitchen counter and his arms crossed in front of his chest. He watched Heero standing at the stove, stirring the noodle soup and adding the final ingredients. He liked watching him cook; Heero's eyebrows would pinch together in concentration and whenever he was using an online recipe, he always did a double take of the instructions on his tablet before adding anything to the pan – it was endearing.

The conversation had died down a little while ago – they had been talking about a new movie that was coming out. They both seemed interested in seeing it, but no matter how obvious Duo hinted that they should go see it together, Heero didn't respond. He didn't understand why Heero didn't want to evolve their friendship beyond the confines of the shared apartment; they got along so well.

Duo got lost in his own thoughts and recapped the conversation he had with Quatre the day before. "Do I give off gay vibes?" He asked out of the blue. It shouldn't have been a non-issue, but he hadn't been able to stop thinking about it.

The Japanese man turned his head slightly and was unfazed by the question. With a slight quirk of the corner of his mouth, his answer was simple: "Yes."

Duo paused in thought for a moment. "To women too?"

Heero shrugged. "I suppose so."

Duo chewed on the inside of his cheek. _What did I expect?_ He asked himself, a little irked now that he had gotten the answer he didn't want. If he were gay, it wouldn't bother him. He had no reason to think he wouldn't be as accepting of his own sexuality as he was of Quatre's, Trowa's, Heero's, and of his many other gay friends and acquaintances. It wasn't about a discomfort with homosexuality – it was about apparently attracting the wrong kind of person.

"I thought you knew," Heero added, catching on to his inner turmoil.

"To an extent. I always knew other guys assumed I was gay. I just didn't think women would also be so quick to judge."

"Everyone is quick to judge," his roommate said matter-of-factly. "We're hardwired that way. You can call Darwin and ask him to thank evolution for that. But just because someone is quick to judge, doesn't mean you can't prove them wrong."

"Yeah, but I'm guessing my below-average interest in the women I've dated in the last few years isn't really 'proving them wrong'. Oh God, they probably all think I'm a closet homo."

"Taste this," Heero interjected, bringing a spoon to his mouth, his hand cupped under it to make sure the broth wouldn't spill. "Tell me if it needs more salt."

"You're the chef," Duo argued.

"Yes, but you're the guy always complaining about how it's 'too salty' or 'not salty enough'."

" _You're_ being a little too salty right now," he joked. He rolled his eyes as his attempt at humorous use of slang was received with an indifferent expression. He opened his mouth so Heero could feed him the spoonful. "Nnn, it's hot."

"Yeah, but is it good?"

"Just needs a pinch more."

Heero smirked. "Good thing I asked, huh?"

"You know, it didn't use to be like this," Duo continued.

"Hm?" Heero was focused on adding more salt to the recipe.

"Dating. My sex-life."

"Ah."

"It used to be hot and steamy, when I was younger. Twenty, twenty-five, you know? You can bet your ass I 'proved them wrong' back then. Every woman I met was a woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I don't know what happened."

"You got older."

"How dare you!" Duo jested, pretending to be offended.

"When you get older you want different things out of a relationship." Heero divided the broth between two white ceramic bowls and carried them to the table, asking Duo to bring the plate of kushiyaki: skewered meat and vegetables.

"I guess… But women want the same thing, right? Someone to spend their life with?" He fetched them both a bottle of beer before sitting down at the table across from Heero.

"As if I know what women want."

Duo laughed, so hard and abruptly that it startled his roommate. "Quatre made the exact same joke last week."

"I guess that explains why I'm friends with him."

 _Yeah, but not with me…_ "But he also made a joke about Gucci and I know you're more of a Loewe guy," he joked and dipped his spoon into the noodle soup, but he froze at the odd look Heero was giving him. "What?"

"That's the sort of stuff you aren't supposed to notice," he said with a smirk.

"It's not like I wear fancy brands myself. My most expensive shoes are my Nike running shoes and I got them on sale."

Heero shook his head at him, smiling and took his first bite.

They ate in silence for a while, enjoying the meal, until Duo could no longer contain his curiosity and he asked: "Did you think I was gay?"

"Hmhm," Heero hummed, unable to speak with his mouth full.

Duo grinned. His eyes sparkled mischievously. "What did you think?"

"That you were a total beefcake but probably a power bottom."

He let out a hearty laugh. "And that would have been bad?"

"Of course. There can only be one bottom in a relationship."

 _Makes sense_. Duo couldn't stop grinning. "You totally wanted to fuck me!"

Heero laughed sheepishly. He took a quick swig of his beer to cool down his blush. "The point is, I wanted _you_ to fuck _me_. I almost went for it too, at that Halloween party."

Duo raised his eyebrows – he had no idea. He always figured Heero was 'too cool' for him anyway. "You might have succeeded; I was really drunk."

Heero went on: "You wore the most hideous speedos ever! Who goes to a Halloween party in speedos and goggles and calls themselves Michael Phelps? But at least you filled them out nicely." His laughter quieted down and he quickly took a bite.

Duo didn't understand why his roommate was embarrassed. Duo wasn't, in fact, he felt flattered. He didn't have to be gay to recognize Heero was extraordinarily beautiful – yes, not just handsome, but honestly beautiful – and it was a boost to his ego that Heero had been interested. It didn't bother him that the Japanese man had mistaken him for being gay, but it was a problem that women made the same misjudgment.

After a few bites, the topic of conversation changed. They finished their meals and Heero helped him with the dishes, drying everything off and putting it back where it belonged. As per usual, on a Sunday, they ended up on the couch and Duo surfed through Netflix until he found an old, laughable movie of any genre that they could marvel at and ridicule. They drank a couple of beers, bickered over whose turn it had been to do groceries that weekend – because whoever's turn it was, they had forgotten and now they were out of Cool Ranch Doritos, which Duo was _not_ okay with – and after the credits rolled, Duo suggested they watch the sequel as well, but Heero went to bed. Duo watched about twenty minutes of the second movie and then also headed for his bedroom.

* * *

X

* * *

"So, where did Quatre fly off to this time?" Hilde asked as the waiter put her lunch in front of her – Duo's treat.

"What do you mean?" He wasted no time attacking his chicken wrap with mango chutney. He preferred a greasy lunch at a fast food place, but this was Hilde's favorite lunchroom.

She scoffed and took a delicate bite of her cold pasta salad. "Please. Whenever Quatre is out of town, you call me and take me out for a nice lunch."

He chuckled and admitted: "Hawaii. He won't be back until next week." And Duo had been lonely without his best friend.

"Hm, nice."

"Him and Trowa-" he paused to properly chew and swallow, "It's their ten-year anniversary."

"Wow. Leave it to the gays to find the secret to a successful relationship."

"We have a good relationship," Duo remarked, looking up to gauge her reaction.

"We fucked for a long weekend at Coachella when we were twenty-three," Hilde replied, wondering what could possibly be 'good' about that. "You gave me shit all weekend about being a lousy drunk. And you gave me chlamydia."

"You gave _me_ chlamydia!" He ducked his head when he realized his raised voice had drawn the attention of every other guest at the restaurant. Thankfully, Hilde wasn't easily embarrassed and she laughed it off. "Anyway, what I meant was: we still managed to stay friends."

"A friendship is not the same as a relationship. Besides, I pitied you. If not for me, you'd literally have no straight friends."

"Bullshit," he said, not because what she said was factually wrong, but because he knew she stayed friends with him out of more than pity. "Are you seeing anyone?"

"Meh, no one special."

He chewed his wrap thoughtfully, dipping it into the last of the chutney and then washing it down with his fizzy drink. He watched his friend chase the last few pieces of pasta across her plate. Ignoring alarm bells going off in his head, he wiped his mouth with the napkin from his lap and started: "You know, since you're not really seeing anyone and I'm not seeing anyone… Maybe… Maybe we could-"

Hilde raised her fork and pointed it at him in warning. "Stop right there. Look, I don't mind that you call on me to keep you company when Quatre is out of town. That's fine and I get a free lunch to boot. But I am not going to take another stab at a relationship with you because you're lonely."

"Why not? We get along so well and the sex was really good. Besides, think of all the free dinners and movies."

"We fought like cats and dogs and the sex wasn't that good."

"I don't remember it like that," he muttered.

"Honey," she reached across the table and covered his hand with hers, "let's not ruin a great friendship by trying to change it into something it's not. If it was meant to be, it would have happened six years ago."

"I know." He sighed and shook his head at himself. "I don't know what I'm thinking."

"I know what's going on."

He looked up at her with big, hopeful eyes. "You do?"

"It's about turning thirty," she simply said. "You only have a couple of months left in your twenties, you feel the clock ticking."

"That's such a chick-thing. I don't care about getting older," Duo argued, "I care that I haven't had a real relationship in – fuck, like – like the last four years. I was just thinking about a time I was with someone that I really wanted to be with, that made me feel like I wanted _more_ , like I could never get enough. Nowadays, I just go through the song and dance of a couple of dates, but at the end of a long evening – sex or no sex – I just want to go home."

"Four years, huh?" Hilde took a sip of her ice tea.

"Yeah, something like that." He made a vague gesture. "I think Arabella was the last girl that I felt that way about and we broke it off a little while before my twenty-sixth birthday."

"Hn," she hummed mysteriously and took another sip.

Duo glared at her. "What?"

She looked uncomfortable all of a sudden and that worried Duo, because for the past six years they had a friendship where he felt they could tell each other everything, and it certainly seemed like she didn't want to be honest with him in that moment.

"Come on, tell me," he pressed. "You owe me at least that much; I'm paying for lunch."

"I was just thinking… isn't that around the same time you got the apartment with Heero?"

He blinked, unable to connect the dots. "I guess that was somewhere around then."

Hilde turned her head to look out the window and played with her earring, betraying her inexplicable nervousness.

"What are you saying, exactly?"

"Don't take this the wrong way," she prefaced and then answered his question: "Don't you think it's interesting that once you started living with Heero, you've lost interest in 'more' and just want to go home? _Home_ ," she emphasized, "Where Heero is?"

Duo let out a short laugh.

"Oh, it's funny, huh?"

"Yeah, it's funny. I'm not gay. If I was, I'm pretty sure I would have gotten the hint by now, since, how did you put it? I only have 'a couple of months left in my twenties'?" He shook his head and flagged down the waiter to get the check.

"Just because you're not gay doesn't mean you're straight by default," Hilde uttered. From her expression, it was apparent that she didn't want to start a fight, but that she also couldn't stay silent. Out of whatever friendly duty, it was clear she felt like she had to point it out to him. "Sexuality isn't black and white, Duo."

"If you're going to say it's 'fifty shades of grey', I'm going to scream."

She didn't even give him a courtesy laugh for his joke amidst the awkward conversation. "What I'm saying is: there's a spectrum."

"Mm, I think I saw that movie too; Liam Neeson was in it, right? Some professor or something?" He tried to brush off the silly notion.

She misinterpreted his curt response. "I don't think there's a need for you to get offended. Aren't you supposed to be the open-minded, evolved guy?"

"I'm not offended that you think I could be gay – or 'gay-ish', or 'gay-adjacent'," he informed her, trying to keep his tone light, "I'm offended that you think I could be so stupid that – as a twenty-nine-year-old, surrounded by gay guys since I was fourteen and was basically adopted by Quatre's folks – I haven't figured out yet that I could be attracted to a guy." He reached for the bill that the waiter had placed on the table in silence, but Hilde's hand met his.

"I'm not saying you're stupid," she insisted. "I'm saying Heero might be special."

"…" He wanted to say something clever to prove her wrong, but all words died in his throat.

"Duo, you _are_ the open-minded, evolved guy. I definitely think it's possible for you to fall for an individual, as opposed to a gender. You probably have a very strong preference for women, which is why no other guy ever struck your fancy, but Heero could be the exception to your heterosexuality."

Duo frowned at her. She seemed to have given the issue quite a bit of thought. "How long have you been thinking about this?"

She smiled, recognizing he was no longer being blindly defensive. "Remember your twenty-seventh birthday? At the Moroccan restaurant?"

"Yeah."

"You had invited Heero, because you wanted the two of you to be friends, not just roommates. You spent the entire evening watching the door, but he didn't show. You were really disappointed."

"Well, yeah… but-…" He stopped himself. He couldn't come up with a 'but'.

"You wanted to be closer to him. I think it was the start of a crush manifesting itself. You talk about him a lot too, you probably don't even realize it. I feel like I know the guy, even though I've only met him once in passing-"

"Yeah, because he's too cool to be my friend and meet my friends," he groused.

"See, right there," Hilde exclaimed, "That bitterness. You sound like a woman scorned."

He blinked at her. It was such an unexpected turn of events. "Why are you telling me all this now?"

"Because of what you said. Before, you used to look for 'more' with the women you were dating, but the past few years you've only been looking for 'more' with Heero." She made a sympathetic face, understanding that this was coming out of nowhere for him. "I had to say something."

He leaned back in his seat and looked around himself, a little dazed. He looked at a threesome of beautiful women seated one table over, leaning in to share a secret and laugh, with their pretty small hands covering their red and bright pink lips. Then he looked past them, at the waiter who had previously – politely inconspicuous – brought the check to his table; handsome, with black hair slicked back and wiry forearms. The waiter was no Heero Yuy, but could anyone really be so special that they could awake a completely novel and untapped side of someone's sexuality, after nearly thirty years?

 _Maybe_ , Duo thought to himself. The same way you could be dating your entire life and then suddenly run into _the one_ , unlocking a new depth of feelings. There was that one special person out there for everyone, it was just a little jarring to have it pointed out to you that you were looking in the wrong direction. It was like he had been trying to solve a math problem his entire life only to have the teacher point out to him that he had been mistaking a 1 for a 7.

He felt self-conscious. He'd always boasted being a man of the twenty-first century – in touch with his emotions and unafraid of them – but he might have spent the last four years looking for something that was right in front of him. The way Heero could look for his keys while he was holding them in his hand, when he was about to leave for a date and he was nervous. Duo frowned. Why did he know that? Why did he see that?

He looked across the table, at his only straight friend. There was a gentle smile on her face as she could see her message hit home.

"This is weird."

"I know."

"I'm not entirely convinced you're right…"

"But?"

He chuckled sheepishly.

"I think I should pay this time," Hilde said and she produced her wallet from her purse.

"Yeah, I think that's only fair."

They parted ways in front of the restaurant. He would have asked her to come see a movie with him, but after she truth-bombed him, he had a lot to think about.

* * *

X

* * *

Duo did think about it and he came to the conclusion that Hilde was wrong. He understood she meant well and he could see where she was coming from, but she had misunderstood his desire for 'more' with Heero. Yes, he did want 'more'; he wanted them to be friends, genuine friends, to go out and show up at each other's fucking birthday parties, that was all. None of his interest in Heero was fueled by sexual desire. He accepted that what she said was possible, that people weren't necessarily fully straight or fully gay and that there could be exceptions to the rules of attraction. He actually liked the idea of humans being so evolved that sexual and romantic interest could be about the qualities of the individual, not their biological make-up; and in a way, he wished that was the case for him, since it would open up a whole new realm of possibility for his love life. But he decided she was wrong about him.

So what if he had long hair, gay friends, and didn't mind going shopping and drinking Frappuccino's? He was also a muscular motorcycle enthusiast, making a living getting his hands dirty as a mechanic and drank beer like water. And he liked women. He liked the curved shape of their bodies, their soft breasts, their painted lips and their small hands. He just couldn't stand the thought of settling down with any of them for the past four years – it was purely coincidental that that timeframe coincided with him moving in with Heero. Maybe Hilde's first guess was correct. His detachment and disinterest in long-term relationships probably had to do with him approaching the big 3-0. He was getting older, reaching that age when you're supposed to be honing in on a lifelong mate and he was just rebelling; he just had some more wild oats to sow. He was still too young for marriage and babies.

"Hey, what are you doing here?"

His colleague had caught him off guard and Duo nearly flung the wrench he had been swinging back and forth across the shop.

"I thought you took the week off," Jamie dug his blackened hands into the pockets of his blue overalls and eyed him with a quirked eyebrow. "Weren't you here yesterday as well?"

"Yeah…" He cleared his throat. "Yeah, I just figured I'd use the time to work on my baby." He nodded at his black motorcycle that was parked in the corner. The owner of the shop let Duo store his bike there, since his building didn't have a secured parking facility, and he was free to use the resources of the shop to give her a tune-up.

"Okay, but if you came down here to work on your bike, why are you just standing there playing with a wrench and looking at thin air?" He challenged with a chuckle.

"Just thinking. I- I have some stuff on my mind."

"Oh." Jamie immediately got uncomfortable. He was one of those 'fully straight' guys who got intimidated by the thought of an intimate conversation, especially with another man. "That's cool. I'll leave you to it."

Duo waved him off with the wrench he was holding. He leaned back against the stripped body of a 1979 Alfa Romeo Spider, and cast a guilty look to his bike in the corner that he hadn't even laid a single hand on since he walked into the classic auto repair shop over two hours ago. The truth was, he needed to get out of the apartment for a little while.

Wrong as she may have been, Hilde's remark still threw him for a loop. He didn't want people to think he was in love with his roommate when he clearly wasn't. He thought about all of his dates in the past four years and how many of them he had ended up introducing to Heero. Did all of them check out of the short-lived relationship, pitying him because they thought he was secretly in love with his roommate as well? It was one thing for people to mistakenly think he was gay, but it was another for them to think there was a specific – male – individual he was interested in. He imagined all the women of the city coming together in weekly clandestine meetings and spreading the word: go on a couple of dates with Duo Maxwell – he takes you out to a nice restaurant, holds doors for you like a gentleman, and is fairly generous in the bedroom – but bear in mind that he is in love with Heero Yuy.

The scary thing was, whenever an awkward silence fell over his date, he filled that void with talk of his roommate. It was an effortless topic to talk about. He'd tell the women about the indie movies Heero worked on as an editor, the amazing meals he cooked them, and the silly movies they watched together. It was just a way for him to fill the silence; he couldn't stand the quiet. The only silence that didn't make his hands itch was the silence between him and Heero, and he probably told his dates that incriminating fact too…

Scarier still was that his pseudo "bromance" might've given Heero the wrong impression of him as well. Was that why the Japanese man didn't want to be friends with him?

Anyway, his planned vacation couldn't have come at a worse time: right at the same time as Heero's. Whatever was at the root of his interest in his roommate, it wasn't helping his chances at finding a woman who believed him when he said he wasn't gay; it wasn't helping his dating life. He needed to take a step back.

 _Heero doesn't want to be friends? That's cool,_ he told himself and rearranged his drawer of tools for the fifth time. _It's not like I'm obsessed with the guy. I have better things to do than watch movies with him._ But he didn't, not really. Which was why he was wasting his much-needed vacation hiding out in the shop.

A long whistle echoed through the mostly quiet shop – it was a slow day – the kind of whistle shameless men do when they see a woman they like, but this sounded sarcastic, like a mockery. Duo felt the steel pliers he was holding slip down in his grip as his palm got sweaty.

Heero spotted him and made a beeline towards him, ignoring the mocking catcall of a primitive coworker. His black jeans were so tight they looked painted onto his skin. The black, flowy blouse with high collar he had probably found in the women's section of the store fell nicely off his narrow, angular shoulders. He had the front of it tucked into his jeans – the jeans that left little to the imagination. The shoes he wore were his favorite pair: black booties with a heel. All stuff Duo wasn't supposed to know and wasn't supposed to notice. But he did and he enjoyed the sight of his slender figure in the off-beat, androgynous fashion.

"Hey, you got a minute?" His roommate asked, coming to stand in front of him, his steel gaze fixed on him.

"Uhm… Yup. Yeah. Sure." He put the pliers in their rightful spot and wiped his hands on his work-jeans. He made an effort to focus his gaze on Heero's face once he noticed the fabric of the blouse was semi-transparent.

"I don't know if you know, but my birthday is next week-"

"I remember when your birthday is, Heero," he interjected with a light chuckle.

"Okay. Anyway, usually I just have dinner with a couple of friends, but Quatre insists on throwing me this big 'birthday bash'," he rolled his eyes at the idea. "Something about how he was 'robbed' of organizing a party for my twenty-fifth, and that we should make the best of the date falling on a Saturday."

Duo chuckled. Quatre's enthusiasm could be tiresome sometimes, but he had the hosting skills to back it up.

"Since he's your friend too and it's gonna be at his place, I thought maybe you'd want to come?" He shrugged.

"You're inviting me to your birthday party?" The mechanic was stunned. Thanks to his unsettling conversation with Hilde, he briefly thought back to his own, horrible birthday, when he had extended a casual invitation to his roommate but he never showed. He had never invited him since, to spare himself the disappointment, and Heero had never invited him to any of his birthday celebrations to begin with.

"If you want," he said casually. "Quatre is inviting so many people, I don't even know most of them… If you need to think about it-"

"No! Not at all. I'd love to come to your party." He frowned at his own unbridled excitement, like he was a teenager invited to sit with the cool kids.

"Alright. I'll have the 'hostess with the mostest' put you on the guest-list," the Japanese man flashed a smile. "You should probably bring a date. I don't think there will be many other straight people."

"I'll bring Hilde," he rushed to say. He wasn't going to ruin the evening by bringing a date who couldn't sustain his interest. "I'll finally get to properly introduce you two."

Heero nodded, he didn't appear particularly thrilled.

"But… did you come all the way down here just to invite me? You could have told me this tonight."

"Oh, right," he shook his head as he remembered the main reason for stopping by. "I have a date tonight. I'm gonna cook for him so, I was wondering if you could-"

Duo grinned. "I'll make myself scarce."

"Thanks. He's coming over at eight."

"No problem. I'm gonna stick around here, work out later, and I was thinking about having dinner at Quatre's anyway. Should I ask him to have one of the guest bedrooms prepared?"

"Oh no, he's not spending the night."

"So, you're gonna cook for him, huh? That means you really like him." _Something else I'm not supposed to notice, as a non-friend?_

In spite of his sour mood, a smile appeared on his face and he tucked a lock of his wild brown hair behind his ear. "I guess that's true."

"How long have you been seeing him?"

"Little over a month."

"That's great! When do I get to meet the fella?"

Heero chuckled sheepishly. Duo's interest in his love-life always made him uncomfortable; he wasn't used to a straight guy being so casual with regards to 'the gay-thing'. "I suppose you'll meet him at the birthday party."

"Great! Can't wait!" Duo didn't know why he felt the need to act so overly excited about the prospect. "Have fun tonight."

"I'll see you later."

"Yeah. Later." He waved halfheartedly. He watched the movements of Heero's hips as he walked away until he rounded a corner and disappeared from sight. Sure, he looked, but there was nothing sexual about that. Right?

Duo soon ditched the workshop and drove his motorcycle out to Quatre's mansion in the countryside, where the rich heir to a multi-million-dollar company – currently still run by his father, leaving the blond too much spare time – was preparing the birthday celebration. He stayed for dinner and listened to Quatre as he described everything he had planned for the party: decorative lampoons in the garden, an open bar, the formal sitting room would be cleared for dancing, and he had already hired the professional DJ – some kid from Amsterdam, a supposed up-and-comer. Duo shared looks with a characteristically quiet Trowa across the dinner table. The tall, lean, former athlete just smiled.

He left the mansion at ten o'clock. Quatre wanted him to be home before dark; he said Duo riding that 'crotch-rocket' made him nervous. The long-haired man put on his helmet and promised he was going straight home, since a little white lie never hurt anybody. He took the scenic route, to give Heero the privacy in their apartment that he was expecting. Duo followed the winding roads through the countryside and patches of forest for about an hour and a half before stopping at a gas station, and then turning back towards the city. He parked his motorcycle at the shop, using the key he had been entrusted with, and rode his second-hand ten-speed bike back to the apartment.

Still in his greasy work-jeans and protective leather jacket, he arrived home at a little after midnight. The apartment smelled of food, wine and dish soap; Heero was still cleaning up.

"Hey," Duo greeted, nearly tripping over himself as he tried to rid himself of his clunky boots.

"Hey."

"If you cook a guy a romantic dinner, shouldn't he at least stay and help you clean up?" He walked into the kitchen, grabbed a dishtowel and started drying off the plates and wineglasses that Heero had washed.

"You don't have to do that."

"It's fine. Seriously, why didn't he help?" He looked his way and, beyond his control, his gaze dipped down to the nipples that were visible through his black blouse. He blinked and forced himself to look up.

"He had to leave early. I didn't want us to waste any time doing dishes."

"Hm." Duo nodded in understanding.

"Thanks for the help. There are some rice dumplings left, if you want."

"I'm happy to help. And I'll be happy to eat those rice dumplings."

They stood shoulder to shoulder and finished with the last of the pans. Heero drained the sink and Duo put away the cutlery.

Out of curiosity the shorter man asked: "Did Quatre show any restraint in planning my party?"

Duo laughed. "Nope. He's even flying in some DJ from Amsterdam."

Heero snorted in response. "Oh God."

"Thanks for inviting me."

"Oh, yeah. I just thought it would be weird for you if your best friend was going to be busy all week planning a party that you weren't invited to."

"Hn." _A pity-invite. Great._ "What do you want for your birthday?"

Heero leaned back against the counter. "You don't have to get me anything."

"Of course I do. I can't show up to the party empty-handed; Quatre would kill me – it's not 'proper'."

"Well, if it's just to save yourself from Quatre's wrath, anything is fine." He glanced at the clock on the oven, thanked Duo again for his help with the dishes, and then announced he was going to bed.

Duo didn't feel tired yet; he felt warm and his heart was racing, probably still the rush of adrenaline from his motorcycle ride. He got two rice dumplings from the fridge, along with a bottle of beer, and settled himself on the couch. The thought of coming up with a present to give Heero was daunting. What was he supposed to give? It couldn't be anything too nice, he really had to stop giving off the wrong impression. But it couldn't be anything stupid either; he cared about Heero – as a platonic, non-friend roommate – and he wanted to be invited again next year, _really_ invited. At some point, he fished his phone out of his pocket and literally googled:

 _Birthday presents for a guy that don't make you seem gay._

The internet wasn't always as helpful as he needed it to be.

* * *

 **How do you feel about the weekly updates? :)**

 **See you next Sunday!**

* * *

 _ **Chapter Two – Waiting For The Other Sock To Drop**_ **will post on 01/15/2017**


	2. Chapter 2

**CaseyCuervo: I'm glad you liked the first chapter :) Spoiler: no WuFei. I guess I could have worked him into the story, but I don't like using GW characters just for the sake of it.**

 **Ckhushrenada: Thanks for reading and reviewing! I hope you will enjoy this update and share your thoughts with me. As you have no doubt seen, "Dirty Job" was updated this week.**

 **Guest: Thank you, I hope you will continue reading.**

 **Duaimei: I hope you'll like it just as much as "Pride" :)**

 **VioletYuy: I hope you'll like this new chapter :) I'm doing my best to keep the fandom alive.**

 **Jodez02: Thank you for giving this story a chance! Let me know what you think of this chapter :)**

 **Hikaru Itsuko: Thanks for reading and taking the time to leave a review! I hope you will enjoy this chapter.**

* * *

 **Author's note:**

 **Here it is! Told ya ;)**

* * *

 **READ THE GENERAL WARNINGS FOR THIS STORY AT THE START OF THE FIRST CHAPTER.**

* * *

 **Beta: Shima Yi**

* * *

 **The Neon Spectrum**

 _Not limited to black and white._

 _Not dulled to shades of gray._

 _The spectrum is neon._

 **Chapter TWO - Waiting For the Other Sock To Drop**

It was the night of the party and Heero was already there. As the guest of honor, Quatre insisted that he be there early to greet every guest. Duo went a little later; first, he had to pick up Hilde so they could share the cab fare – it was like a sixty-dollar ride, because she absolutely did not want to go on the back of his motorcycle.

The Uber waited in front of her apartment building, five minutes after the exact time they had agreed on. Duo had his cellphone to his ear, waiting for her to pick-up, but there was no answer. "I'm sure she'll be down any minute," he told the driver, who refused to pause the meter as they waited. The American felt his face get hot at the thought of being stood up by his only straight friend, being left to face the party alone. Relief washed over him when the front door of the building opened and Hilde appeared. He scooted over so she could get in on the backseat from the door at the curb.

He pocketed his phone and remarked: "Wow, that is a very sparkly dress." Hilde was wearing a champagne colored, fully sequined mini dress, with sheer, sparkly fabric covering the chest up to the collarbone, creating barely-there sleeves.

"Honey, it's a gay birthday party – sparkles were invented for this."

"Alright, but why did have to be so short?" Duo countered, his gaze distracted by the sight of her creamy thighs. "Pretty much every guy there will be gay."

"Hence, I have to work extra hard to make them look," she replied smugly, and then prodded his side with her elbow, causing him to laugh. "If any of those guys even have a tiny smidge of straight in them, I'm going to bring it out."

"Then you shouldn't have worn the sparkles," he deadpanned. "It's not sexy; it's _fabulous_."

She stuck her tongue out between her plum-colored lips, then she nodded at the small, wrapped gift box in his lap. "What did you get him? Something I can get in on?"

Duo made a face. "Trust me, you don't want to be in on this."

"Why not? Is it that bad?"

"It's socks."

She let out a sudden laugh but then quieted herself. "Sorry… I guess I was wrong. I guess you really are completely straight."

Duo forced on a smile but then quickly looked out the window. He didn't tell her that he had made a last-minute switch. Hidden under his bed, in an elegant box from Tom Ford, was a wine-colored cashmere scarf that he first wanted to give him, but decided against it. It had been the only thing in the entire store he could afford, and even then, it was far too expensive to give as a gift to a guy who only invited him to his birthday out of pity and duty.

The driver made up for lost time, and they arrived at the party precisely on schedule: fashionably late, just as planned. The butler let them in and Quatre was the first to greet them.

"Oh my God – Hilde, you look fabulous!" He exclaimed and he excitedly kissed her on the cheek.

"Told you so," Duo muttered, suppressing a chuckle.

"Quatre wasn't really my target audience," she retorted.

The blond in question wondered innocently: "What are you talking about?"

"Nothing," the two friends said in unison and exchanged a mischievous look.

"Where's the birthday boy? I thought greeting guests was his duty?" Duo asked.

"Heero is at the bar… he's a little drunk." Quatre couldn't have looked more displeased, which implied Heero was more than a _little_ drunk.

"Already?" Duo checked his watch. "It's like nine-thirty."

"He got an early start." The host dropped the attitude and shared in a soft tone: "His boyfriend broke up with him today."

"On his fucking birthday?!" Duo erupted.

"Duo!" Quatre shushed him. "Don't make a big deal about it. He doesn't want to talk about it. So just go in, give him your present and have fun; drink, dance, please. I've had three sleepless nights over planning this party; at least one of my best friends should get to enjoy it." He was called over by the kitchen staff and left Duo and Hilde standing alone in the hallway.

"What a fucking asshole!" Duo bellowed, not caring that the guests within earshot were giving him looks.

"Give him a break; Quatre means well."

"I'm not talking about Quatre," he snapped. When he looked at her face, he could tell she had only been trying to make a joke to calm him down. "What a fucking piece of shit," Duo carried on. "Who does that? Who breaks up with someone on their birthday?"

"An asshole," Hilde conceded.

Duo looked down at his gift – his lame, cheap gift – and growled at himself. "And I'm standing here with a fucking dumb birthday present to boot."

"Duo, it's not your job to save his birthday. Let's just go in, okay?"

They headed into the crowd of people, drinking and laughing and dancing to the muffled beat of the DJ's music from a few rooms over. Soon he spotted Trowa – the man was taller than anyone else – and he waved him over.

"Can you point us to the bar?" Duo asked.

"It's in the grand dining room."

"You go," Hilde said. "Go check on Heero. I'm going to dance with this tall glass of water." Her way of giving him privacy with his non-friend. Trowa smirked and gladly guided her to the dance floor.

Duo's heart was a brick at the bottom of his gut as he headed for the dining room. He slowed his steps, stalling to give himself more time to rehearse what he was going to say…but there was nothing clever he _could_ say. It frustrated him that he didn't know Heero well enough to know how to offer him comfort, except get him a gallon of ice cream. Arriving in the dining room, he didn't see his roommate. A handsome man tended to the temporary bar set-up in the dining room, but none of the people he was serving drinks were Heero. He leaned over the bar and flagged down the bartender.

"What can I get you, sir?"

"Supposedly there was a guy sitting at the bar all this time?" Duo wondered. "Short, messy brown hair, blue eyes but Asian face?" It felt a little wrong to use race to describe someone, but he knew Heero was unforgettable and unmistakable with that combination of features; if he wanted to find him, he had to be specific, or else he would be pointed to any number of guys with stylishly carefree hair, and blue eyes that were dull in comparison to Heero's.

"Oh yeah, he took his drink upstairs with a friend. You just missed him."

"Thanks." Duo wasn't sure if he should follow Heero up there. If he was with a friend, he might interrupt a personal conversation. But it was important to him to show Heero his support; he didn't feel like joining the party without Heero, and without his straight wing-woman, with the way some of the guys were ogling him. _It's the damn braid_ , he thought to himself.

Knowing his way around the house – like he figured Heero did too – he went up to the second floor using the out-of-the-way staircase in the kitchen. It led him up to a long hallway of doors – all guest bedrooms and bathrooms. All the doors were closed except one, which was left ajar. He adjusted his grip on his present; it was a pathetic, stupid present, but perhaps it stood a chance at bringing a smile to his face. At least he knew Heero well enough to know how to make him smile – laugh even – or so he liked to believe.

He straightened his jacket – as if it mattered – and walked up to the second guest bedroom to the right. He was about to softly knock on the door to announce his presence, when the bed appeared in his line of sight – he froze in the doorway.

Heero lay down on the bed, clothes still on his body but in complete disarray. On top of him – and between his spread legs – was his attentive "friend," with his hands all over the lithe body of Duo's roommate, non-friend and non-crush. They kissed deeply and hungrily; the "friend" thrust his pelvis against Heero's, in that rhythm everyone instinctually knows. They moaned loudly at the friction created by their dry-humping. It was obvious both were drunk and completely uninhibited; Duo never saw Heero like that.

It wasn't so much the sight that stopped Duo dead in his tracks; he had accidentally walked in on similar scenes – or worse – before. It was the thought that popped into his head:

 _Well, if that's what he needed to feel better, I could_ _'ve_ _done that too._ It was supposed to be a quiet, sarcastic joke to himself, like he could make a joke about anything. But it wasn't a joke – that much was evident in the way his pants got tight in the front.

The shame of his voyeurism finally caused Duo to softly step back until he was out of earshot. He then hurried back down the stairs, into the noisy kitchen where staff was frantically trying to get the next batch of h'ordeuvres ready on time. He bumped into a waitress that appeared out of nowhere and was mortified that she might've felt his erection. He apologized profusely and got the Hell out of there.

Hilde had made her way to the bar and was flirting with the bartender. She found the one guy that wasn't just partly straight; he was wholly straight and he was loving her short, tight dress and dark lips. Duo walked up to her, grabbed her arm and yanked her to a relatively quiet corner.

"Hey!"

"You were right," He blurted, exasperated.

"About what, honey?"

"I want… 'more' with Heero."

She flashed him a bright smile. "Well that's great, and pretty good timing too. Go get 'em."

"I can't; he's dry-humping with some other guy."

She snickered. "Right now?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, not so good timing."

"I walked in on them and I was watching them and… I got hard. And I think I just accidentally molested a waitress…"

"Sounds like you've had quite the night," she joked with a gentle chuckle. Recognizing his distress, she suggested they should just head back home.

They had an Uber pick them up; the car dropped off Hilde first and then Duo, but he didn't want to be alone in the apartment. He walked around the streets aimlessly for an hour before deciding to make good use of his moping around, and headed for a 24/7 grocery store a few blocks from the apartment. He went home to the dark apartment, but when he flicked on the lights, the unexpected figure seated on the couch scared the shit out of him. He flinched and nearly dropped one of the two bags.

"It was my turn to do groceries this weekend," Heero said flatly.

"I know, but I figured-" He didn't finish his sentence.

"I didn't see you at the party."

He had trouble not making a snide comment about Heero slinking off to be manhandled by one of his friends in the guest bedroom, on the night he was dumped. He knew Heero had a routine in between boyfriends to satisfy his sexual urges; he just didn't know it was quite so efficient. "I was there, but-" Another unfinished sentence.

"You heard, huh?"

"About your break-up, yeah." Duo walked the groceries to the kitchen and put the bags on the counter. "I'm sorry. That was a really shitty thing of him to do."

Heero nodded. "I didn't even see it coming. Usually I see it coming – I get my ice cream and I prepare for it… I don't know why I didn't see it coming," he rambled.

Duo smiled; he dug deep into one of the grocery bags and produced a big tub of ice cream. His roommate's eyes widened at the surprise.

"It's Rocky Road, I hope that's not too much on the nose." Duo got a bowl from the cabinet and scooped up a large serving of ice cream.

"Thank you," Heero said as he gratefully accepted the treat.

"It was only fair. I finished the Chocolate Marshmallow." He put the tub in the freezer, then grabbed a beer for himself and joined Heero on the couch. "So, what did the asshole say?"

"He said we were 'too different,' and that I wasn't _mature_ enough for him – that I'm too 'all over the place'."

Duo quirked an eyebrow.

"I cooked for him. I _cooked_ for him." Heero snorted. "I'm fucking twenty-six years old. I'm not just mature – I'm _old_."

"Hold up, I don't accept that," Duo argued. "I can't concede that you're old at twenty-six. At twenty-nine, what does that make me?"

"Let's hope wiser, then at least I still have something to look forward to," The Japanese man muttered into his bowl.

 _Wiser? Like only just now figuring out: hey, guys are hot too?_ "Nope, sorry."

Heero glared at him. "Thanks… is that your idea of a birthday present: crushing my last remaining hope?"

"Actually, I got you present." Duo regretted it as soon as he said it.

The other straightened up, a child-like excitement in his hazy eyes. "You did?"

With an I'm-nearly-thirty-groan, Duo bounced up from the couch and retrieved the present that he had tucked into one of the grocery bags. He could feel the warmth on his face as he handed his roommate the gift and sat back down. Heero put aside the bowl, adding to Duo's guilt. He pulled the bow apart and ripped open the package paper where the ends were taped together. The cardboard box was opened and Heero appraised his gift: socks. Not just any socks – novelty socks.

"I'm sorry," Duo said preemptively.

"'I'm old'…" Heero read aloud the text that was embroidered into the wool items. "… 'life socks.'"

Duo was about to apologize again, feeling mortified. On the evening when he came to terms with the possibility that he had a unique crush on his same-sex roommate, he gave said-crush the worst birthday present ever. But then Heero erupted in laughter. It was mostly thanks to his inebriated state, but Duo felt relieved nevertheless.

"You're so fucking straight," Heero said, once his giggles had subsided.

 _Oh, the irony_. "I'm sorry. It's just a stupid joke. Obviously, you're not _old_."

"No, no, of course not. Because if I'm old that'd make you-"

"Ancient," he supplied, making Heero laugh again. "So, what did you tell the Asshole," Heero had been dating the guy for over a month, but Duo didn't even know his name; he supposed it didn't matter anymore – he was just "the Asshole" now, "after he broke up with you on your birthday?"

"I punched him."

Duo's mouth dropped; in response to his disbelief, Heero showed him his right fist: the knuckles were a little red. "You punched him."

"There was no point in being 'mature' about it." Heero reached for the bowl and finished his ice cream.

"Heero, as your friend, I must tell you: physical violence is never the answer."

"You're not my friend," the other informed him, without even looking at him.

To be dismissed in such an off-hand manner stung, but Duo tried to stay lighthearted. "Alright, then as your non-friend I'll say: good for you."

The Japanese man smirked.

Maybe he should have let it slide – like he had done so many times before over the past four years – but he couldn't, not anymore. "Heero, why aren't we friends?" He decided to rephrase: "Why don't you want to be friends?"

"You're straight," Heero said, as if that answered Duo's question; the American was only confused. "I don't befriend straight guys. It doesn't work."

Duo scoffed at his surprisingly ignorant viewpoint. Leaving the issue of him being 'straight' or not out of it for the moment, he countered: "What are you talking about? I've been best friends with Quatre since I was a teenager."

"Maybe your friendship with Quatre is the exception to the rule."

"And what about us? We've been roommates for four years, and we get along great."

"Yeah," he readily agreed, his tone a little impatient, "let's keep it that way."

"I think that's bullshit."

"Well, maybe you are an exception to _the_ rule, but you are not an exception to _my_ rule. Straight guys make me uncomfortable."

Duo let out a bitter laugh. "You do get how twisted that is, right? Haven't we, as a species, evolved to a point where gay guys don't make straight guys uncomfortable and vice versa? We're all the same."

Heero straightened up as he took offense to Duo's remark. Heatedly, he argued: "Oh, you are so fucking naïve, Duo. You think because you have pretty long hair and hang out with a lot of gay guys, you know what it's like to actually _be_ gay?"

Duo shrugged; he wanted to say yes, even though that hadn't been his point, but Heero's tone scared him. Heero never raised his voice at him like that before.

"You don't know shit, Duo. If a guy on the street makes a shit comment about your _faggy hair_ and your _faggy friends_ _,_ you get to laugh at him because he's wrong and it never hits home. But when – for example – your coworker at the shop mock-catcalls me and simulates a blowjob by pressing his tongue into his cheek, and his friend makes this 'gross' face, to which he says: 'What? That's all they're good for,' _I_ get to go about the rest of my day feeling like a degraded piece of ass!"

Duo swallowed; he had heard Jamie whistle at him, but he was unaware of the rest of the exchange. "But… things are better now, and they're getting better every day." They were getting way off-track.

Heero made a face. "That whole ordeal about getting the right to marry has only put a target on our backs. People are still assholes, Duo, and you have no fucking clue."

"But I'm not like that! I'm not an asshole." _Right?_

"It's just my rule, okay? Drop it." He shot up from the couch and stormed off. Seconds later, Duo heard his bedroom door slam shut.

 _Well shit._ If Heero didn't even want to be friends with someone who had been straight all his life, regardless of recent epiphanies, it was safe to assume he wouldn't be open to "more" than friendship either.

* * *

X

* * *

The next morning Duo was a wreck. He hadn't gotten much sleep; every time he closed his eyes, he saw Heero laying sprawled on that guest bed, but the man on top of him was Duo himself. He waited by the coffee machine as it brewed a pot of much needed strong caffeine, dressed in his boxers and a t-shirt. His disheveled braid was draped over his shoulder. He imagined dark circles underneath his eyes.

Heero didn't look much better when he stepped into the kitchen. "Mind if I get in on that?" He nodded at the coffee pot.

"When it's done brewing, there will be plenty to share." Duo's tone was petulant. The more he thought about it, the more Heero's attitude from the previous night irked him. Why should he be brushed off because other straight guys had been assholes to Heero in the past? He wasn't responsible for other people's narrowmindedness, so he shouldn't be punished for it, and he also shouldn't be punished for Heero's narrowmindedness.

"I'm sorry I was such a cunt last night," Heero said.

The apology was completely unexpected, but welcome. Still, Duo contained his smile and replied gruffly, watching the pot like a hawk: "You got _dumped_ on your birthday; I think there is some leeway allowed." He used that harsh word – dumped – on purpose. He was being really childish.

"I'm not sorry about the point I was making," Heero clarified, "but I should have expressed myself differently. I was drunk and… 'cunty'. It's just my rule."

"I get it."

"No please, let me try to explain this the right way, without the cunty-ness." Heero took a step towards him, and for the first time since they started living together, Duo felt that the kitchen was too small for the two of them. Heero was too close – too close!

He crossed his arms in front of his chest defensively. "Okay."

"I didn't mean to make you feel like I hate you, because you're straight. I _like_ you and you're right: we do get along well."

Duo's foolish heart fluttered at the kind words.

"I like spending time with you in the apartment, but I don't want us to be friends," his roommate continued, "because I don't want to go out to a movie together, or have drinks and have people stare at us and make comments and not have a wingman – a _gay_ wingman, someone who really understands. I know it would make me feel very alone, and I know that's not on you – that's my issue. A while ago, you talked about people having a certain idea of you and wanting to prove them wrong?"

Duo nodded.

"Well, growing up as an army brat, I was surrounded by a lot of macho-ignorance; and when I got older and _things_ started being obvious-" He gestured down at himself and Duo assumed that the "things" he was talking about were his slender frame and his unorthodox, effeminate fashion – like the incredibly short boy-shorts he slept it – "… let's just say it wasn't fun. I got this idea about the world, about those macho straight men, and they haven't proven me wrong. I mean, sometimes they do, but then someone else comes along that proves me right again. I've gotten hurt so many times, I just want to do whatever I can to protect myself – hence, my rule." He looked up at him, his ocean-deep blue eyes begging for understanding.

 _I guess I really don't have a clue_ , Duo admitted to himself, but only to himself. If he admitted to Heero that he had no idea what kind of hurt and bad experiences were behind his reasoning, he'd undermine his right to be angry. He still very much believed he had the right to be angry, although he also knew he would quickly feel guilty about it. Maybe telling Heero that he might not be as "straight" as they believed could have made a difference, but it wasn't the right time. It felt insincere to say in that moment, like he would only be saying it to get something out of it. He started nodding slowly, as a token of his understanding, and then wordlessly offered to pour him a cup of coffee.

"Yes, thank you." Heero watched him pour a big mug and accepted it gratefully.

Duo served himself a cup as well, and still felt self-conscious with how close Heero was to him. He couldn't stop stealing glances at his tanned legs, the way his hands cupped the mug, the way he pursed his lips as he enjoyed the taste and warmth of the morning coffee, the beauty mark about half an inch below the outer corner of his right eye, and the length and thickness of his eyelashes. He was beautiful, tousled hair and dark circles and all. These were the same things he had noticed every other morning, but this was the first morning that he knew _why_. It was a little unsettling because it changed everything, and he didn't quite know how to act around him anymore, now that he realized he couldn't stop staring at those lips because he wanted to kiss them.

"I didn't sleep much last night," Heero said, when they were both about halfway through their coffee.

"Because of your boyfriend? Or ex, I should say?"

"No, because of you," he said and then deadpanned: "But thanks for reminding me."

"Because of me?"

"You're not like other straight guys –"

 _You have no idea._

"– and I really think we could be friends if not for my stupid rule and… and I _know_ it's stupid, I do." He chuckled sheepishly. "So I was up all night thinking: maybe you are my exception."

Duo blinked at the words, spoken so softy.

"If you still want to be, that is."

Then he couldn't contain his smile any longer. He had no idea what kind of thought process had gone into Heero's change of heart, but he was grateful and excited. The corners of his mouth curled upward and the mug suddenly felt cold in his hands in comparison to the heat that radiated from his core. "I'd love to be your exception." It was only fair; Heero was his exception, after all.

"Cool. Okay." Heero hid behind his coffee mug as he took another sip.

"So how about we go see that movie we were talking about?"

Heero looked a little intimidated by the idea of them jumping headfirst into this "friendship-thing." "I'm pretty sure it's no longer in theatres – that was over a month ago."

"Right, shit. I really wanted to see that movie."

"You didn't take Quatre?"

"No, he hates blood-and-gore. He likes romantic stuff with subtitles."

Heero nodded, with a small smile.

"A different movie then. Let's see what's playing." Duo bypassed him and grabbed his phone that was on the dinner table. He went to the website for the local movie theatre.

"Wow, okay, you're really not wasting any time."

Duo looked up from the webpage. "I'm sorry. Did you have plans already for tonight?"

"I did, yeah, but then my boyfriend dumped me on my birthday, so…" Heero shrugged.

"You don't feel like going out," the American concluded.

"No, a movie is good. But nothing romantic!"

"Horror or action?" Duo wondered as he scrolled through the choices.

"Can you be more specific?" Heero hopped up onto the counter and gestured with his mug, prompting Duo to pour him another cup from the pot.

As he distractedly poured them both a second serving of coffee, Duo read the plot summaries aloud: "Action: a new kind of terrorist is having the New York police force fight against the clock, and Agent Dan Kane is the only one who can solve the riddle in time to save the city and his fiancé." He looked up at Heero and laughed at the face he was making. "I'm assuming that's a 'no'."

"You assumed correct, sir."

"Oka~y…" He scrolled further down the list, past more clichéd action flicks and a lot of romcoms. "Horror: Tuesday Hush – played by actress Jennifer -"

"Wait, horror or porn? ' _Tuesday Hush_ '?"

"Horror. But she'll probably have a sex-scene and get killed off shortly after," he deadpanned. "Tuesday Hush – played by actress Jennifer Gold, known from 'Hell Hath No Fury 2' – returns to her hometown to celebrate her birthday with her meddling family, but when a presumed dead uncle shows up to join the celebration, Tuesday only has one wish to make: to live through the night."

"That one."

Duo frowned. "You wanna see this piece of shit? Seriously? I might have to rethink if I still want to be friends with you."

"Come on. I really need to see someone have a worse birthday than the one I had."

The braided man snickered and conceded.

That evening they headed out together to the theatre, but Duo convinced Heero to go with him to the Chinese place around the corner for a cheap and greasy meal first. Dinner and a movie – the classic date. Of course it wasn't really a date, but about halfway through their chow mein and shared foursome of eggrolls, Duo wished it was a date, so he could have placed his hands on Heero's when he noticed the other was anxious. Instead, he had to make do pretending to listen to Heero as he rambled on about the over-the-top décor of the take-out restaurant that perpetuated a racial stereotype.

Heero usually got political when he was nervous, and Duo quietly wondered what it would be like to touch his hand and feel the hairs on his lower arm, or sit next to him, put his arm around his small waist and kiss him, knowing the twenty-six-year-old hadn't shaved for a while. He wondered what the barely-there stubbles on his upper lip and chin would feel like against his clean-shaven jaw, and he tried to imagine what kind of kisser Heero was – what kissing any guy would feel like. Would they fight for dominance? Would he be more aggressive or greedy?

It felt like a violation to think of Heero that way, since he had only agreed to a friendship and not the "more" that Duo secretly wanted, but he couldn't stop his thoughts from wandering.

They laughed throughout the entire movie; they were the only ones in the theatre. Between them was a big bag of popcorn, and whenever Duo noticed Heero reaching for it from the corner of his eye, he reached his hand into the carton as well, "accidentally" touching Heero's hand with his. It was juvenile yet titillating; it was a kind of excitement he hadn't experienced in a long time and it solidified his suspicion – or rather, Hilde's suspicion. Although he had identified as heterosexual his entire life, and the thought of being with just any guy didn't arouse him in the least, his feelings for Heero were of a romantic nature. Since they had been set free from the secret, hidden compartment in his heart, they roamed all over his body and occupied his mind, and thrilled his most private parts as well.

That posed a problem. It took four years to convince Heero to give him a shot as a friend and with the way his emotions were running rampant, he didn't want to have to wait much longer to satisfy his craving for 'more'. But how could he convince the man, who had gone through several ice-cream-worthy break-ups – one as recent as the day before – to give the most unlikely, most uncertain and most challenging romantic relationship a chance?

* * *

X

* * *

Only a few weeks short of thirty years old, Duo decided that he was too old to be playing games. Now that he was finally honest with himself, he ought to be honest with Heero as well. They had been doing the "friends" thing for three weeks. Duo wasn't planning to push matters, respecting Heero's need to adjust to the new friendship – that he had resisted for so long – and get over his breakup with the mysterious fool whose name Duo still did not know, but he _knew_ was a fool for letting a guy like Heero go. But then, Heero went out with "rough-night" Logan again. It wasn't so much a sign that the young man was getting over his heartbreak as it was insufferable for Duo to be witness to; that is, his roommate and crush coming home in the dead of night, with the smell of _Logan_ all over him. Frankly, they didn't have time for games anymore. Soon Heero would start dating the next guy – Logan was always his "goodbye-fuck" to singledom – and Duo needed to be that guy.

It was rushed and risky, but he had to do it.

"Sit down for a second, will you?" Duo tried to keep his voice from wavering with nerves. He patted the empty seat on the couch next to him.

"I thought you wanted to go to the movies?"

 _I do, but I want to make out with you at the movies_ _,_ _so first_ _,_ _we have to do this._ "Later; I need to tell you something first."

Heero straightened up, leaving the shoelaces of his Timberlands untied. "That sounds serious."

Duo tried to laugh it off. "It's just something I need to tell you. Something I need your opinion on."

"That shirt?" Heero deadpanned, eying the faded plaid shirt over a black tank top.

"No."

"The jeans?"

"No! – Wait, what the fuck is wrong with my jeans?" Duo looked down at himself.

His roommate chuckled. "As your friend, it is my obligation to tell you that you can't do the ripped-jeans look after your thirtieth."

Smugly, Duo retorted: "So then I guess you'll be seeing a lot of them the next four weeks." He patted the cushion again. "Come on. Seriously."

Heero walked over, mindful not to trip over the loose laces. He sat down with a suspicious look on his face. He tried to lighten the atmosphere with an awkward joke. "Is this about _my_ jeans?"

Duo glanced down at the light-wash, skintight jeans he was wearing. There was absolutely nothing wrong with those jeans. Duo loved those jeans, and he especially loved how extra skinny his legs looked paired with those clunky Timberlands. He decided to cut to the chase and not respond to the joke with pseudo-witty banter that would only postpone the inevitable. "I've been having a really great time with you the past couple of weeks."

"Are you breaking up with me?" Heero joked again.

Duo smiled. Heero had the same kind of trigger-happy humor as he did and, just like him, it was a spree-killing whenever he was anxious. "I think I like you," he blurted, and then had to swallow his heart back down into his gut.

Heero knew damn well what he was getting at, but still he tried to brush it off with a joke. "And I've developed a mild fondness for you as well."

"Heero…" His voice died down to a whisper and he did the one thing he had yearned to do for three weeks: he reached between them and took hold of Heero's hand. The skin was rougher and the palm was bigger than what he was used to. It felt wonderful. His heart leaped up into his throat again and his voice came out distorted as he reiterated: "I really like you."

"…" Heero swallowed audibly. "… oh shit."

The American blinked. " 'Oh shit'?"

Heero retreated his hand and stuffed both between his thighs, pressing his legs together so Duo couldn't grab either hand again. "So you're gay now?"

"I'm not gay, but I'm not straight either," he explained calmly.

"Then what are you?" Heero snapped.

"In love with you."

Heero stared at him for a moment, then chuckled uncomfortably. "Duo, come on…"

"What?"

"You're just confused."

Duo frowned. He was hurt and agitated by Heero denying his feelings. "I'm not confused. I know what I'm feeling," he pressed. "Sexuality isn't black and white, you know?"

"Oh, I suppose it's 'fifty shades of grey'?"

Duo smiled. "I made the exact same joke! See, we're perfect together!" When he leaned in closer, Heero scooted further away.

"Yeah and a few weeks ago I made the exact same joke as Quatre. It doesn't mean wedding bells ought to be ringing; it just means we have the same stupid sense of humor. Which is why we are _friends_."

"We could be more than friends."

Heero scoffed.

"We could try!" Duo was starting to sound really pathetic – he acknowledged that – but things weren't playing out as they had in his mind and it scared him. He hadn't put his heart on the line in a really long time, and it was quite shocking to be reminded of how badly it could hurt.

"I don't want to be your little sexual experiment, Duo. Whichever way it turns out, it won't turn out well for me."

He frowned at that. "What do you mean?"

Heero sighed at having to explain it to him, but answered: "Most likely you'll figure out that you've confused a 'bromance' for something real and you'll realize you're _straight_. Or maybe you'll realize you are _gay_ and everything would be nice for a while, until some other guy catches your attention and you'll want to relive your youth fucking around, 'playing the field'. Whatever the case, things will end badly between us."

Duo shook his head. "What if I realize – even more than I already do – that I'm not straight nor gay but just into _you_. And I won't ever be interested in women or other men because I'll have you and you'll have me."

"I don't believe it works that way."

"Give me a chance to prove you wrong," he begged.

For a split-second it seemed like he was getting through to him, but then Heero replied stubbornly: "I don't date straight guys."

"Jesus!" Duo exclaimed, getting bitter as it became more and more apparent that Heero wasn't going to take away the aching pain in his chest. "Another rule? What is this? Like a two-tiered regulatory system to segregate 'the gays' and 'the straights'?"

"Maybe I just don't want to hold some guy's hand while he gives his first blowjob! I have enough to deal with!"

"Why won't you give me a chance? You fuck everyone else!" Duo was as startled by his own words as Heero was. They both stared at each other wide-eyed for several heartbeats. "I- I didn't- … I didn't mean t-that," Duo stammered helplessly. "I didn't-… Shit. _Shit!_ " He was panicking; his hands started to tremble.

Heero got up from the couch slowly without a word. He walked a few steps away but then nearly tripped over his untied laces – the stumble set him off. He kicked off his shoes – one hit the wall and the other hit a chair at the dinner table – and then he turned around with his jaw clenched and his eyes narrowed. "You're right! You're _so_ right!" He shouted and his broken tone cut right through Duo. "I do sleep around. I sleep around because I look for love in all the wrong places…I should stop doing that. So I should definitely not try to look for love with _you_. No place could be more wrong than a guy who just wants to _fuck_ me to satisfy his curiosity!"

"It's not like that. It's not like that at all," he muttered, but he knew it was hopeless.

Heero scoffed bitterly. "We should have just gone to the fucking movies…" He walked away and slammed his bedroom door shut.

There it was… Duo's first heartbreak in years, and it was the worst he had ever experienced.

* * *

X

* * *

"Tell me what you did," Quatre ordered as they meandered through the store.

"Hm?" Duo looked up from a black leather jacket that he had been ogling inconspicuously, trying to get a look at the price-tag without alerting one of the store clerks. It was probably beyond his budget and he didn't want to embarrass himself. "Sorry, what?"

"Tell me what you did."

He shrugged. "I don't know. What did I do? You seem to know more about whatever it is we're talking about than me."

"Heero."

"Oh," slipped right by his lips.

"Oh?" Quatre mirrored.

"Did Heero tell you something happened?"

"I haven't talked to Heero in weeks," Quatre informed him, emerging from behind a rack of designer jeans to come stand in front of him with his hands on his hips. "But we've been in this store for an hour and a half and you haven't said a single thing, not even about those hideous shorts I pointed out, so something has to be wrong. Hence, my question."

"Why do you assume it has anything to do with Heero?" He scrunched up his face. "Wait, why do you assume it's something _I_ did?"

Quatre tapped his foot impatiently.

"Alright, fine. It _is_ about Heero and it _is_ something I did."

"So?"

"So… I don't want to talk about it." Duo circled back to the leather jacket but still pretended not to be interested.

"Well, that's a first: you not wanting to talk about Heero. Normally I couldn't even stop you if I tried."

He snorted. "I don't talk about him that much."

"Yes, you do. You even tell me things about Heero that _I_ told _you_ about Heero first."

He shrugged. "I guess that's just because he's something we have in common, so it's a logical subject for us to talk about."

Quatre sighed. "Will you please tell me what's going on?"

"Fine," Duo snapped, getting irrationally upset even though he knew his friend had the best intentions. "I told Heero that I'm in love with him and then I basically called him a whore." He winced at his own words, but that was the gist of it.

"What?! You called him a…?" He looked around himself and didn't want to finish his question.

"That's the only part of what I said that shocks you?"

"I must admit: I didn't think you were gay. But that's because the whole metrosexual-thing you have going on is confusing as Hell. But in hindsight, it makes sense."

"I'm not gay," Duo insisted in a low tone, confused that Quatre would even draw that conclusion so offhandedly.

Quatre frowned. "But you said you're in love with Heero?"

"So?"

"Alright, 'bi' then. But I have to honest: 'bi' is just the rest stop on the way to gay."

He stared at his friend incredulously. "I don't believe this. Why do you and Heero both want to pigeonhole sexuality like that? The human experience is such a complicated thing, and yet you honestly believe that everyone fits into one of two boxes?"

"I can tell you have done some reading."

"I have. And you and Heero should too," he bit. "Honestly – maybe this is my own bias speaking – but I thought my two gay friends would be more understanding with regards to the complexity of sexuality."

Quatre cast his gaze down at his shoes, realizing his mistake. "I'm sorry. I guess-…" He paused to consider his words carefully. "I guess, as a gay guy, we just become so used to having defend our sexuality that… we've started to fight against the gray-area, because everyone is always trying to _push_ us into that gray area." He put on a different tone of voice and said sardonically: " _You just haven't met the right girl yet. You're just confused. If you try harder to like girls, you will. Just because you like that one boy, doesn't mean…_ " He let his sentence trail off and looked away guiltily. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be standing here making excuses."

Duo shook his head and reached out to touch his friend's arm. "No, it's fine. I get it. I hadn't thought it about like that. But, I'd appreciate your understanding."

"I'm trying."

The American offered him a smile. "Thanks."

"Welcome to the island of misfit toys," Quatre said with a bitter chuckle. "You'll be asking for understanding and defending your sexuality for the rest of your life…"

Duo's smile faltered as he realized that was true. He always knew that he had it easy "when he was straight" – when he thought he was straight. Sometimes people would assume he was gay, based on his looks, and being able to deny that prejudiced assumption had always felt like a small victory – one that made him feel guilty in hindsight. When ignorant strangers insulted him with gay slurs, it never hit home for him because he thought they were wrong. As soon as he convinced people that he was straight, everything was easier, and he had never been met with any unwavering lack of acceptance or respect. That would change. It was intimidating.

"So," Quatre started, as he resumed meandering throughout the store with Duo on his heels, "you and Heero, huh?"

"No. There is no me-and-Heero. And I think that might be my problem."

"I think calling him a- a-… 'whore'," Quatre whispered the word, "is your problem."

" _Basically_ ," Duo reminded him. "I didn't say the actual thing, but… I might as well have."

Quatre quirked an eyebrow. "What _did_ you say?"

"Something like…" He searched his memory and didn't like what he found. " _You might as well give it a shot with me, you fuck everyone else._ "

Quatre made a telling face.

"I know." He sighed in defeat.

"Why would you even say that?"

"Things got heated. He was upsetting me, with the same black-and-white, gay-versus-straight stuff that you said. I wanted him to give me chance but he shot me down, and I felt like he only did that because I'm _different_ : not gay and not straight."

Quatre looked at him sympathetically, thoughtlessly touching the sleeve of a suede jacket. "Maybe I shouldn't say this – I'm afraid of saying all the wrong things and betraying a trust… But… Heero has been down this road before, with men who said a lot of the same things that you are saying," he stopped to chew on the inside of his cheek, "it didn't work out and… it got bad. Some of those guys really hurt him. So he has rules about that now, to protect himself."

 _The rules._ Duo felt a stinging pain in his chest; he hated the thought of Heero getting hurt by anyone.

"It was before you guys moved in together," Quatre helpfully supplied.

"I feel bad about that, but just because some other guy fucked up doesn't mean I will. And I'm serious about this. It's not about experimenting or living out a dirty fetish – I am _in love_ with him," he stressed.

"You sound very sure," the other remarked.

Duo raised his eyebrows at the implied questioning of his certainty. "I am."

"When did that happen?" There was no malice in his tone, only genuine curiosity and Duo felt more at ease.

"Hilde said some shit… but I guess the big epiphany was at his birthday party. I walked in on him with someone and-" He gestured wildly around himself, trying to provide a visual aid to the clutter of thoughts and feelings that had hit him in that moment. "And it put everything in a new perspective."

"His birthday party?" Blonde eyebrows knitted together. "He was with someone at his birthday party? He just got dumped that same day!" He let out a little laugh and commented, red-faced: "Boy does get around."

"With everyone but me," Duo said bitterly.

Quatre pulled out the suede jacket to inspect it more closely, but he seemed lost in thought.

"This is the point in the movie where the gay best friend gives the most amazing advice that sets up the third act and eventually leads to the happy ending."

He put the jacket away and smiled up at Duo – an apologetic smile. "Sorry Duo; I didn't get my copy of the script – this is all improv," he snapped his fingers comically, "and I suck at it."

"At least you're pretty."

Quatre stuck his tongue out at him.

"So, Mister Improv, do you think it could work? Me and Heero?"

The shorter man made another face, scrunching up his features. It displeased Duo.

"Wow, that bad…" He looked away self-consciously.

Quatre tried to explain: "It's just that you guys don't even know each other that well. Heero is going through things that you don't know about." He clenched his jaw shut and pressed his mouth into a thin line before he could say any more.

Duo realized it was the truth, that he didn't know many personal things about Heero, but only because Heero had purposefully kept him at arm's length. Duo wanted to know about all the things he was going through and he wanted to help, but instead, Heero just put up a front with him, because of the damn rules.

"I mean… Do you even know him well enough to say – with such resolve – that you're in love with him?" Before Duo could get the wrong impression, he clarified: "I'm not doubting your sexual epiphany, but I'm - _cautiously_ \- " he raised his finger, "questioning your definition of 'being in love'."

With only a quirk of his eyebrow he got his friend to continue.

"It could just be a crush. A lot of people crush on Heero." One corner of his mouth pulled down and something guilty flickered in his eyes.

"You-…?"

"Ehhh…" The drawn out sound developed into an awkward chuckle. "Me. Trowa. Straight guys. The Gingerbread Man… We've all been there."

He let out a short laugh at the preposterous idea of either Trowa or Quatre being with anyone other than each other. But the laughter died down as jealousy settled over him. "Did you guys-…?" He found it hard to finish his sentences with regards to this subject.

"I didn't," he said hastily.

"But Trowa-…" Another incomplete sentence.

"For a bit, yeah. In high school."

To get a sudden, unwelcome image of a young Heero and a young Trowa exploring their sexuality together out of his head he joked: "And the Gingerbread Man?"

Quatre laughed. "Probably."

"So you think it's just a crush? What I'm feeling?"

"I think-… I think you should give it some more thought, before you can honestly decide what it is or what it isn't. And before you act and fuck up your housing-situation with Heero, because while I love you," he eyed him sweetly, "you are not moving in with me and Trowa."

"You have like seventeen guest bedrooms. I could move in there and odds are we'd never run into each other!"

"Honey, trust me. It's an old house, thin walls, and I'm way too vocal."

"Oh God," he laughed again. "Never mind."

They continued shopping and their innocent banter, but in the quiet, as Quatre disappeared into one of the dressing rooms to try on a silk blouse that cost a month's worth of rent, Duo couldn't help but get lost in his own head. He could barely remember being in love, it didn't happen to him often. Once, it was in college, with a Dutch girl named-… _Oh shit_ , he thought to himself as her name completely eluded him. She was blond, with blue eyes and almost as tall as him. She played volleyball, cursed like a sailor and drank beer like a German man – _Ingrid! That was her name!_ They dated during his last few months in Amsterdam, and he had almost stayed in The Netherlands because of her. There was nothing delicate about her, and he was drawn to how unapologetically herself she was. But what he had felt for her was different from how he felt about Heero. Did that comparison mean that he didn't love him after all, or did it mean he never loved Ingrid the way he thought he did?

Even though Ingrid was a tomboy and he fell for her the hardest, it wasn't like she was his type. He didn't really have a type. He also dated pretty, soft-spoken girls, who shyly checked their make-up with their camera phone, and blushed when he noticed they were doing it. He always felt like he couldn't decide between the two. Heero was a little bit of both. Obviously, he had a masculine side to him and he could be blunt and unapologetic, just like Ingrid; but he also had a feminine side – a sensitivity and a softness. Both sides – or rather, the combination of two – attracted Duo, like the negative and positive side of a magnet working together to create a pull.

Quatre must've noticed that Duo wasn't fully present. He cut their day short with a lame excuse and sent him home.

* * *

X

* * *

Being at home was like being in the middle of minefield. Duo was scared to move, scared to set off a sequence of events that would ultimately be apocalyptic in proportion. They hadn't spoken about their fight from last week – they barely exchanged words at all. Apparently, they had wordlessly agreed to forget about it, but Duo couldn't remember when or why that happened. The tense atmosphere was unbearable.

He was on the couch, having a beer and watching a movie, when Heero came home without saying hello. The other man went into the kitchen to fix himself something to eat, even though – as far as Duo was able to decipher from what little context clues he had to go by – the Japanese man had just returned from a dinner date. He flinched at every sound: at the scraping of a plate being pulled from the top of the stack; the metallic clangs as Heero rummaged through the cutlery drawer; the sharp bang when he shut the drawer with a pop of his hip; the shrill beep of the microwave. Every little disturbance of the silence had him on edge.

 _I can't let it go on like this_ , he thought to himself, wringing his hands together anxiously. He rubbed his sweaty palms on his denim pants legs as he worked on mustering up the courage to speak, knowing he didn't have a lot of time since Heero would be taking his dinner into his room, the way he had all week.

His roommate walked past him, holding his plate of instant noodles in one hand and a tall drink in the other, without ever even glancing his way.

Duo blurted: "I'm sorry." It seemed like the best way to start.

Heero stopped. He was already beyond the couch, out of Duo's field of vision.

The American waited a heartbeat and then twisted in his seat, looking over the back of the couch at the other, who was staring back at him. "What I said-"

"Was an asshole thing to say," Heero supplied curtly.

"Yeah, it was."

Heero pursed his lips, like he didn't like that Duo agreed with him so easily. He was still looking to start a fight, but how do you fight someone who admits defeat? Duo could tell he was trying to work that out.

"Can we try to be friends again?"

"We were never friends, Duo."

Knowing that submission was his best strategy, he concurred again and rephrased: "Can we try again to be friends?"

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Heero, I'm sorry I insulted you. I should have never said-"

Heero cut him off again. "Not because of _that_."

Duo waited.

"Because of that other thing you said."

His expression was one of confusion, but only for a split second, before realization dawned on him. "The 'I'm in love with you' thing."

"Yeah, the 'I'm in love you' thing," Heero mirrored dryly.

"I'm not sorry about saying that," Duo said, steeling his gaze. "I'm not going to take it back, and I'm not going to apologize either."

"Then we can't be friends," he concluded.

"Why?"

"Because I don't want you to get more confused and get any ideas. Like… read into stuff."

Duo snorted. Some of his bravery returned to him. "You get to make a lot of decisions, huh?"

"Excuse me?"

"You get to decide that my feelings are just me being confused. _And_ you get to decide that I can't be around you and keep my dick in my pants?"

Heero was taken aback by the snappy comment.

"Look, if you honestly think that the 'I'm in love with you' thing is just me being confused, what do you have to worry about if we start hanging out again? Or at least being civil with each other? If it's just confusion, wouldn't it resolve itself?"

"You're not that quick of a learner."

Duo smiled because he noticed the change in Heero's tone as it went from venomous to cheeky – the way he remembered it from their playful banter from before. "Please?"

"We can be civil," Heero concurred. "As roommates. But I am not your friend." Without any further ado he took his meal into his bedroom and shut the door behind him.

Duo considered the exchange a small victory and felt a little more at ease.

* * *

X

* * *

It took a while for them to get back to normal – to being the roommates that they once were – but they managed and, on the surface, it seemed that life had returned to normal.

Only it hadn't.

If the intense relief and delirious happiness at being able to interact with his 'roommate' again was any indication, Duo was definitely not confused about his feelings.

It was difficult not to stare whenever he had the chance: when Heero came into the kitchen in the early morning, in boy-shorts style undies and a shirt that fell off one shoulder; when he watched TV and the glow from the screen illuminated the perfect profile of his straight nose and full lips; when he laughed heartedly at one of Duo's superficial jokes; when he checked his reflection in the mirror by the door before heading out, making a pouty face at himself and almost always adjusting a lock of hair and smoothing over whatever odd – and oddly good-looking – clothes he was wearing.

As time went by, the distance that Heero insisted on keeping between them became increasingly aggravating. Conversations were cut short, before it could get too personal, and Heero always sat so far away from him whenever they ended up on the couch after dinner. Duo wished they could turn off the TV and talk quietly about their pasts, before they knew each other, their ideas for the future, what made them tick, what they loved and what they hated. He wanted to hear about what had been troubling Heero lately, like Quatre said, and help him as best as he could. He ached to put his hand on one of those slim thighs, or the back of his neck and feel the short hairs at the nape; to kiss those lips and get to taste what kind of flavor his chapstick was; to touch his fingers to his jawline on those rare occasions when he neglected to shave, and feel the scratch of the short, dark stubble; to cup the bulge in the front of those tight jeans, and feel it swell under the weight of his big hand. His toes curled in his shoes whenever he thought about it.

It wasn't getting better; it was getting worse. He was not allowed to act on it, but he wasn't sure how much longer he could control himself.

Duo was in trouble.

* * *

 **Let me know what you think :)**

* * *

 ** _Chapter Three - Plus One [working title]_ will post on 01/22/2017**


	3. Chapter 3

**CaseyCuervo: We loves the drama :P I hope you'll like this update.**

 **Jodez02: I hope you can handle it :P Thank you for the review :)**

 **Duaimei: Let me know what you think :)**

 **TanithNight: Well, it's good that you're on Duo's side, because you're more or less supposed to be :P The entire story will be told from Duo's perspective, however. Through dialogue you do get to know more about Heero's motivations. I hope you'll like this new chapter, please let me know :)**

 **Chibichocopaws: Thanks for sharing your thoughts! It means a lot to me :) I hope you'll enjoy this update.**

 **Violetyuy: Thank you! I hope this chapter will be worthy of your praises as well :P**

* * *

 **Author's note:**

 **Right on schedule: chapter three! Your healthy dose of non-hetero, non-conformist romance in a "Trump World".**

* * *

 **READ THE GENERAL WARNINGS FOR THIS STORY AT THE START OF THE FIRST CHAPTER.**

* * *

 **Beta: Shima Yi**

* * *

 **The Neon Spectrum**

 _Not limited to black and white._

 _Not dulled to shades of gray._

 _The spectrum is neon._

 **Chapter THREE –** **Plus One**

"So what fabulous place did Quatre fly off to this time? Bermuda? Bora Bora? Fiji?" Hilde joked as they decided on a table in the back of the restaurant.

"He's at home." Duo took a seat and routinely rearranged the clutter of a candle, the menus, the salt and pepper shakers and the condiments on the table. He looked up in time to see her quirk an eyebrow at him.

"Quatre is in town yet you called me?" She mused with a mocking tone. "Did you guys have a fight or something?"

He shook his head; before he could explain, the waiter appeared at their table to take their drink order. Once he scurried off to wait on other guests, Duo said: "We're fine, but I have some stuff going on that he doesn't seem to want to be a part of."

"Meddling-Quatre doesn't want to be a part of something? Is it something _illegal_?" Hilde joked.

"Not illegal, but forbidden."

"Heero," she surmised, having heard the brief version of the story before.

"Yeah."

"So what's Quatre's deal?"

Duo shrugged. "He doesn't want to get caught in the middle – conflict of interest and all. Heero is his friend too. I also suspect that he's keeping a secret on Heero's behalf, and he's afraid it might burst out of him if he gets involved. Like, he wants to tell me – to help me understand – but he can't betray his trust."

"You think it might be a dark and dirty secret?"

"I don't know; maybe I'm blowing it out of proportion, but I can't stop thinking about it and Quatre keeps avoiding my questions."

"Hm…" Hilde accepted her coffee from the waiter who appeared at their table again, and stirred Sweet 'n Low into it thoughtfully.

"I'm sorry." Duo took the first sip of his Frappuccino. "You also didn't ask to be dragged into this."

Hilde waved her spoon dismissively. "Please, secrets and intrigue? That's my jam." She comically sang: "Tell me more, tell me more."

"I don't know, but it has to be something big," he said, scratching at his chin in thought. "He said I didn't know Heero well enough to know how I feel about him, and then he said that Heero's been dealing with some things… The way he put it made it seem like if I knew this secret, I would feel differently about Heero."

"And how _do_ you feel about Heero? Exactly?"

"I'm fucking in love with him," he blurted and stared at her, waiting for a similarly doubtful reaction like he had received from Quatre and Heero.

Hilde just smiled. "I love being right."

Duo snorted. "Yeah, this is great," he said sarcastically. "If you just hadn't opened your damn mouth-"

"We'd be sitting here still talking about that sock you lost."

He let out a laugh but then whined pathetically: "Everything is so complicated now. What am I supposed to do? Heero and I are finally on good terms again, but this is all based on him thinking that I'm falling _out_ of love with him. If I try to act on my feelings, our ceasefire will be over and everything will go to shit." He buried his hands in his hair. "Him and his goddamn rules."

Hilde put aside her coffee cup and leaned in close across the table, sporting a mischievous grin. "You know Duo, you _are_ a pretty lovable guy."

"Thanks, Hil, but it's too late for us now," he deadpanned.

She rolled her eyes at his dry humor. "I'm saying that, maybe, if you play your cards right, you could get Heero to bend the rules for you."

He shook his head at the idea. "Yeah, I'm sure getting him to fall in love with me is super easy."

"You are an easy guy to love, Duo," she argued in all seriousness. "And pretty much impossible to hate; a fact, I think, Heero has already discovered. You practically called him a whore and he's forgiven you, for God's sake."

Duo flinched. "Please don't remind me of that."

Hilde continued: "You said that Heero thought you were gay when you first met and that he was interested, right?"

"Yes," he answered with a blush.

"Now he _knows_ that you are interested in him, so the seed has already been planted." Hilde let her voice dip, like she was sharing a devilish master-plan with him.

Duo simply laughed again at her antics. "You're crazy…"

"Duo, you are _hot_ and sweet and funny," she insisted. It was weird for her to be complimenting him so much; usually, they playfully insulted each other. "Heero isn't blind, nor is he stupid."

"Well, he's been living with this hot, sweet and funny guy for four years and nothing has happened."

"Because he thought you were straight; because you both thought you were straight! You were unavailable to him in the past, but not anymore. I bet he's looked back on the past four years differently now, remembering all the nice things you've done for him, remembering all your dinners together. The context is different now."

Duo chuckled impishly.

"Don't laugh!" She chastised him. "Remember the last time we were sitting in this very restaurant?" She looked at him smugly. "I _told_ you something about your relationship with Heero that put everything in a new perspective for you, and made you become aware of feelings you never even knew you had. You might have done the same to Heero."

"You're awfully optimistic," he observed. "And I want to believe you, I _really_ do…" He shot a desperate look up at her. "But I'm afraid I can't afford that kind of optimism."

She tilted her head sympathetically.

"It's been a while since I've been in a position where I can get hurt…" He paused to chew on the inside of his cheek. He sat back and with a sigh he admitted: "I guess I can't even blame Heero for his rules, because it sucks being in a place where you're vulnerable. I can understand wanting to avoid that, wanting to protect yourself."

"But Duo, how does anybody live life without putting themselves in that place? None of us know what's up ahead, and who or what is going to hurt us, but we all have to take chances if we want to find the people and the things that will make us happy." She reached out for his hand. "And if you ask me, ruling out an entire group of people to protect yourself seems like a poor strategy because there is no guarantee that he won't get hurt again; there is only the guarantee that he is missing out." She squeezed his hand for emphasis and finished: "Something great."

"Thanks." Duo cleared his throat, being overwhelmed with emotions. "Thank you, for being such a great friend."

"Sure thing." Hilde sat back and snatched the menu off the table. With a grin, she wondered absentmindedly as she regarded the options: "You're paying again this time, right?"

He smiled and reached for the other menu on the table. He deadpanned: "Yeah, I guess you've earned it."

"Damn right I did." They placed their orders and as they waited for their lunch to be served, Hilde inquired: "So what are the plans for your B-day?"

Duo made a face. He didn't want to have to think about his birthday celebration – Quatre kept pestering him about it too, although maybe just as a means-to-an-end, to distract him from the situation with Heero. He didn't have any previous qualms with getting older, but as the date drew nearer, and with his life a hopeless mess, he realized he was not looking forward to it. As a kid, he used to believe he'd be a fully functioning adult at age twenty, with his life in order and everything figured out – about himself, about the world. He quickly learned those expectations were false, and throughout his twenties, he hoped that thirty would be the age by which time everything had fallen into place. It was scary to admit that those hopes were in vain; in fact, he felt less in charge of own life and less aware of his own identity than he did at twenty-five, even if he might have been completely misled by the last of youthful naiveté at that age.

He shrugged his shoulder noncommittally and asked: "I don't know. Are you free?"

"Of course I am. Isn't Quatre organizing something?"

"I fear a surprise party might be brewing."

"You sound thrilled."

"I don't feel like celebrating. What's special about being a year older anyway? 'Yay! You didn't die this year! Congratulations on looking both ways before crossing the street, and well done not getting a lethal disease, even though you have no control over that'…" he mocked bitterly.

"Wow… Mister President of the Pity-Party Committee over here…" She laughed at her own joke. "Does your reluctance have anything to do with worrying about whether Heero will show up this year?"

He glared at her. "No, I didn't even think of that, but now I will. Thanks."

Hilde innocently batted her eyelashes at him, and then squealed in delight when the waiter arrived with their lunch.

* * *

X

* * *

Quatre gave him his birthday present two days early – the leather jacket Duo had been eying at the store during one of their shopping trips – making it plainly clear that a surprise party was happening, even though his birthday was on a Thursday. Supposedly he would just be going out to dinner with Quatre, Trowa and Hilde, but Quatre was way too giddy giving him that amazing leather jacket, and suggesting that it would be a great look for his birthday.

Duo did as instructed: he paired the jacket with a grey, plaid button-up and black jeans, and his fanciest pair of shoes – another birthday gift from his friend a few years earlier. He headed into the bathroom to spray on some cologne, but Heero was already standing at the sink in the small space, fussing over his hair. His roommate had casually congratulated him that morning and that had been it, leading Duo to believe that he wasn't coming to this party Quatre was obviously throwing him. It was clear that the Japanese man was getting ready for something. Duo watched from the doorway and let his eyes trail up from his favorite pair of booties, along the slender legs dressed in black skinny jeans – tight enough to be confused for leggings – to the oversized, grey, cowl neck sweater that was long enough to be a short dress. He had on a lot of rings and his fingernails were painted black.

Duo went rigid as he was caught staring and made eye contact with Heero in the mirror. Heero's hands stilled by his face as he had been rearranging his bangs. Unable to deny that he had been appraising his looks, Duo owned up to it and said mildly: "You look nice." It was such an understatement it was practically offensive.

Heero's smile was shy and sweet. "Thanks." He brushed a lock of hair out of his eyes and dropped his hands to his sides.

"Where are you headed?" He grinned.

"I have a date."

His smile faltered but he managed to fake enthusiasm. "Oh, that's great. Anyone special?"

"Maybe. I've known him for a while, but we've only gone out a couple of times." Heero shrugged. "It seems promising."

"That's good," he said dumbly and his upper lip curled in disgust at his own awkwardness.

"Did you need something?" Heero asked as Duo kept idling in the doorway.

"Oh, yeah, can I-… just-…" He stepped into the small space and maneuvered around the other to reach into one of the cabinets. He grabbed the bottle of cologne from his assigned shelf – the top shelf because Heero was too short to reach that shelf anyway.

He was about to spritz the cologne on his neck when Heero exclaimed: "Ew! Please do that somewhere else. I don't want to smell like you all night."

Duo's feelings would have been hurt if not for the disarming smile that he caught sight of in the mirror. He smirked back at him. "Sorry." He stepped out into the hallway to apply the cologne, and then went in to put it back, cheekily brushing by his roommate in the cramped bathroom. "Have fun tonight."

"You too. At your ' _dinner_ '."

The American laughed. "Yeah, Quatre is really Captain Obvious. He couldn't even resist giving me my present early so I could wear it to the party." He smoothed his hands over the front of the stylish jacket.

"It's nice though. It looks good on you."

Duo's eyes sparkled at the compliment, and at having Heero's gaze slowly roll up and down the length of his body. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. Just suck in that beer-gut." Heero barely managed to finish his sentence before he burst out laughing.

Duo confidently patted his flat, toned stomach. "I'll try to remember." He lingered in the doorway again; he should go but he didn't want to, quite content watching his roommate glow in the bright overhead lights of the bathroom. He shook his head at himself. "Bye. I'll see you later."

"Later." Heero waved halfheartedly, no longer even paying attention to him. He leaned into his reflection and applied lip balm with the tip of his ring finger, his features pinched together in focus.

Duo dragged his heavy feet downstairs and took an Uber to Quatre's mansion. If the jacket and his friend's nervousness weren't already enough of a hint, the fact that Quatre suggested they meet at his house – when it was completely out of the way and isolated in its location – would have been a dead give-away anyway. He climbed out of the car and approached the front door of the sprawling estate, putting on a brave face before ringing the doorbell. He practiced his surprise in the pause between the elegant chimes of bells echoing through the foyer and the door being opened; it took a while.

Quatre pulled the front door open, looking flustered; he sounded a little out of breath as he playfully accused Duo of being early. The tall man grinned, bemused by the thought of Quatre panicking at the sound of the bell and urging everyone to hide and be quiet.

"Come in." Quatre stepped aside to let him in.

"Shouldn't we just head out?" He acted, throwing a thumb over his shoulder.

"Well, you're early, so-… I'm not ready yet," Quatre struggled to say. "You can wait in the living room." He gestured towards the archway in the opposite wall leading into the main living space, which was – inexplicably – cloaked in total darkness. Quatre's eyebrow twitched when, from the darkness, a stifled laugh sounded.

"Oh, I don't mind waiting in the hallway," Duo said to stress out his friend.

"For God's sake Duo, just take a seat on the damn couch," the shorter, blond man demanded and he pushed Duo towards the black archway.

"Okay, okay." He raised his hands in surrender and stepped into the darkness of the living room. He could hear people breathing; he could see a cluster of party balloons by the window that was outlined by the white moonlight; and he could feel the tension in the air.

Suddenly the lights were switched on and a crowd of people, mostly unknown to the birthday boy, bellowed: "Happy Birthday!"

He dutifully acted out his surprise and excitement before he was rushed by Hilde who gave him a tight hug and whispered in his ear: "And the Oscar goes to…" She pulled away with a smirk.

Next to embrace him was Quatre. "Are you surprised?"

"Utterly," Duo lied.

"Really?"

"Wholly."

Quatre punched his shoulder. "Oh, you fucking liar!" But he laughed and stepped aside so Trowa could hug and congratulate him.

Duo felt a little anxious as he was swarmed by the crowd. Everyone shook his hand and patted his shoulder, and some leaned in for an uncomfortable hug, even though he had no idea who they were. He recognized some casual friends, acquaintances and co-workers – like Jamie – but he could count the number of familiar faces on his hands. Everyone else was filler: people from Quatre's extensive social circle, who were always down for a party and free drinks.

Duo mingled for as long as he could stand it, and for as long as he knew that Quatre's eyes were trained on him, making sure he was fulfilling his part. At the earliest opportunity, he snuck away before being cornered by a group of Quatre's colleagues, and went to look for Hilde; he swiftly found her exactly where he expected her to be: at the bar.

The bartender prepared him a fancy cocktail at his request, putting up a show with the shaker, and dramatically popping in a tiny umbrella and a piece of fruit at the end.

"I didn't see Heero," Hilde remarked; she had to raise her voice to be heard over the music that just started playing.

"No," Duo tried not to let his disappointment be too obvious. "He's on a date."

"He's seeing someone?"

"Apparently."

She looked into her half-empty drink. "I'm sorry."

"Me too." Duo downed his drink in three big gulps and waved the bartender over again. He finished the second drink just as quickly, ignoring Hilde's concerned stare.

Before he could order his third – and instruct the bartender to make it stronger – Hilde tugged on his arm and pleaded: "Come dance with me."

He looked around the room. " _No one_ is dancing."

"So? They would if I asked them. I'm pretty irresistible." She pouted her lips and put her hands on her hips, drawing attention to how snugly her little black dress fit her.

"Yeah, you are," he concurred with a laugh, and then accepted the hand she offered him. He followed her to a small open space in front of the DJ's set-up and shamelessly danced with her, since it was the perfect excuse to not have to talk to anybody else.

After a few songs, more people joined them, Quatre and Trowa being the first; before long, the living room became an actual dance floor and the crowd swallowed them up. Duo and Hilde skipped two or three songs to get another drink at the bar, but went back to the dance floor shortly afterward. The music was like a continuous melody as each track blended seamlessly from one to the next.

They danced closer and closer together, until eventually Duo's hands were on Hilde's waist and her arms were around his neck. She felt tiny in his hold and smelled sweet, not just of her perfume, but also of the sugary drink she kept requesting. He regretted not falling in love with her, at Coachella or at any given time in the past six years. His life would have looked so different at his thirtieth birthday if he had. It would have been so much easier.

He leaned in and kissed her. Because it was easy. Her dark lipstick would stain his lips but he wasn't really thinking. He deepened the kiss.

She let him. Because it was easy. He moved his hands up to cup her face and he felt her short hair at her ears and at the nape of her neck. He couldn't resist digging his fingers into the hair, imagining it to be chocolate brown and wild.

He didn't _want_ easy. He wanted the thrill of the unknown and the unpredictable. He wanted Heero – his capricious attitude, his softness and his hardness, without ever knowing in advance what you were going to get.

As soon as he realized what he was doing, he ended the kiss and retreated his hands. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that," he said, hoping she could read his lips because his voice was definitely too weak to be heard over the powerful beat of the dance track that was playing.

"It's okay," she mouthed, and he was relieved to see her smile before she pulled him in for a hug.

Decidedly drunk and appropriately miserable, Duo made his way back to the bar, with Hilde on his heels, but then she excused herself to go to the bathroom and left him standing there by himself. He wasn't alone for long, not even long enough to miss her – barely long enough for him to even acknowledge she was gone.

It was Quatre who appeared by his side, coming to stand closer to him than he normally would, and leaned heavily on the hand he placed on his shoulder. He was tipsy; his smile was not his own – it was a silly caricature of himself, too wide and too toothy. "Look who's he~re," he drawled.

On cue Heero appeared; his beautiful face was such a welcome sight. Drunk as he was, Duo couldn't decide if he wanted to hug him or merely weep.

He did neither – through sheer willpower he stood still and greeted him with a calculated "Hi." Another word, or a longer word, and his voice would have cracked. He wondered if it had been Quatre and Heero's approach that made Hilde clear the field – she was facing the direction from where they came. If that were the case, he resented her for not giving him a head's up.

"I see you are enjoying your party," Heero commented, raising his voice slightly to be heard over the music. His smile was knowing.

Duo felt his face go red – did he get there in time to see him kiss Hilde? He scrutinized the smile and the flush spread down his neck to his chest. _He saw me kiss Hilde._ He was about to deflect by asking if Heero had fun on his date, when he became aware of the big hand that rested on Heero's shoulder – it had been there the entire time, but he had been too distracted by Heero's face. He looked up at the man towering over Heero, and couldn't even remember the last time he had to look _up_ at anyone.

The man must have been between six-foot-three and six-foot-five. He was broadly built, although not overly muscular. His blonde hair was long and wavy at the top of his head and buzzed on the sides. His mouth looked a little too small in proportion to his strong jawline and prominent chin, dusted with a scruff of golden hairs. His hooded, blue eyes were friendly. He held his right hand out to Duo and Duo had no choice but to shake it, even though he really didn't want to. He felt his knees go weak when strong fingers latched around his hand for a confident squeeze and a single up-and-down motion of their hand.

"Happy birthday, Duo," the man said. His voice was a sultry baritone that could be heard in spite of the music; it was so deep it nearly provided a bass line to the dance track.

 _He knows my name. Heero mentioned me._ That was the only glimmer of hope.

"I'm Logan."

 _Yes, you are_ , Duo thought to himself at the sound of the overtly masculine name that fit him well. Then it hit him. _Logan. 'Rough-night Logan'. Heero's go-to fuck-buddy._ _They're dating now?_

"Hi, I'm Duo." _Stupid! He knows that already._

Logan smiled.

With jealous eyes, Duo watched Logan switch his left hand to Heero's other shoulder, so he wasn't just resting his hand on him, but actually had his arm around him. His roommate looked so tiny standing next to him: shorter, thinner, yet somehow, content – like he enjoyed it.

"I didn't think Logan would want to come," Heero said, pulling Duo out of his thoughts, "But when I mentioned it was your birthday he said that we could stop by if I wanted to."

"And you wanted to?" Duo blurted.

The smile he received was the best birthday gift in thirty years. "I wanted to. But I didn't get you a present, I'm sorry."

 _Yes, you did_. Duo could not contain his giddy smile. "That's okay. Would you like a drink?"

"Actually," Logan interjected, leaning in closer to Heero and sharing a look with him. "We would like to dance. Right?" He winked at his date.

"Nnnn, yes." Heero let himself get dragged away from the bar and into the crowd of dancing people, managing only a halfhearted wave goodbye.

Duo's heart ached.

"I saw you kiss Hilde," Quatre spoke up, prodding him between his ribs to get his attention.

"Oh."

"Oh?"

"Did Heero see?"

"Yeah," he replied; it sounded like 'duh!'.

"Shit."

"What's going on between you and Hilde?" The host probed.

"Nothing!" Duo turned around to face the bar to try to get the bartender to fix him another drink. "I was feeling sorry for myself." After a moment, he wondered: "What was Heero's reaction? When he saw us?"

"Honestly?"

Duo's stomach dropped. He had the feeling he didn't want Quatre's honesty – not that night, not on his birthday – but he said: "Yeah."

"He looked relieved."

 _Fuck_. He gritted his teeth. Heero must have misunderstood it to mean that he had been right about Duo just having been confused, about his feelings not meaning anything, and now he was relieved that he wouldn't have to deal with it anymore.

"Duo, I love you," Quatre said, his tongue rolling from the alcohol, making his voice sound different, "I want you to be happy. But I want Heero to be happy too. With the way things are, I don't think you could be happy _together_. It's too complicated."

Duo snapped his neck to stare at him. He wanted to ask him what that meant – what he was saying, exactly! – but he bit down on his lower lip. Quatre was so drunk; if Duo had asked him the question that burned through his heart like the steady drip of sulfuric acid, he would probably spill Heero's secret before even realizing it. Duo didn't want to put his best friend in that position.

The bartender brought him his drink, and he gratefully put the glass to his mouth and tilted it up. His throat worked to down the drink in a single effort, to reinvigorate his earlier buzz.

Trowa appeared to guide Quatre away from the bar, and probably to bed so the lightweight could sleep off the effects of the alcohol he had consumed. Hilde returned from the bathroom to replace Quatre at his side.

"Did you talk to Heero?"

"Sort of."

She nodded. "I think it's a good sign that he's here."

Duo turned around to face the crowd – undulating like a body of water to the beat of the music – and he made a face when he spotted his roommate and his date amidst them. They were dancing sensually to a different beat, one that only they could hear. Heero had his back to Logan, but kept his neck twisted to look up at him. Logan had his spine curled, leaning over Heero's shoulder so their faces were close together. They weren't talking, they weren't kissing; they were merely looking into each other's eyes, but that seemed more intimate than anything, even more intimate than their hips grinding together.

Hilde followed his gaze and spotted the couple as well. She repeated, although sounding less sure of herself: "It's a good sign that he's here."

Duo continued drinking, demanding most of the bartender's attention. The crowd was dissipating. Only a few stopped by the bar to come say goodbye to him – and most regretted it instantly when they realized just how drunk he was. Hilde left at some point too, but he couldn't remember when.

At two in the morning the bartender started to purposefully ignore him. He tended to a few other guests before he stoically started cleaning glasses and rearranging the bottles of liquor, pretending not to hear Duo call for him. The American was about to get really aggravated when a hand gripped his shoulder and squeezed; it was like all the anger and energy was squeezed out of him, like water from a mop, and he felt himself slouch against the bar with his eyelids at half-mast.

"The party is over, birthday boy," said Trowa. His deep, smooth voice made Duo shiver.

Duo turned around and was surprised to see almost everyone had gone home. A few people were seated on the couch, barely holding onto consciousness, waiting for cabs to come pick them up. He scanned the faces; Heero and Logan weren't there. He groaned and his stomach turned at the thought of them at home – at _their apartment_ – for that Logan-brand 'good ol' rough sex'.

"Can I crash here?"

Trowa nodded and helped him upstairs. Duo passed out as soon as his body hit the bed.

* * *

X

* * *

Duo woke up to sound of heavy, hollow footsteps on the hardwood floor; then the curtains were ripped open and bright sunlight flooded the guest bedroom, blinding him as he cracked one eye open.

"Wake up, Mister Maxwell," said the maid who had come to disturb his sleep. She was a stocky, older lady with her hair in a bun so tight that it looked painful. Looking at it would have been enough to give him a headache, if it wasn't for the fact that his head was already throbbing from the hangover. "Mister Barton says you've slept enough."

 _Fucking Trowa_ … He let out a drawn-out groan and tried to move but none of his limbs cooperated. "Five more minutes, _M_ _om_ ," he croaked.

"No," she said firmly, not even fazed by his attitude. "Lunch is almost ready and you need to eat and drink."

 _Lunch?_ He supposed he should be grateful Trowa let him sleep for as long as he did. "What I need is an aspirin."

"You can have your aspirin with lunch." Unabashedly she pulled the sheets off his body – he didn't even remember properly tucking into bed.

Duo curled up as the chill of the air hit him, and then he realized he was only wearing his underwear and his plaid button-up. Trowa must have helped him out of his shoes, jeans and jacket. He looked around and saw his clothes neatly folded on a chair by the window. Slowly, he sat up. He swallowed several times; it was painful because his mouth was dry but he felt like if he stopped swallowing, bile would rise up in his throat. He could feel the veins in his forehead pulsing, and rather than blood, it felt like poison was being pumped into his brain.

"Take a shower first," said the maid. "There is a change of clean clothes in the bathroom for you."

"Thank you," he said insincerely; his voice was gravelly.

The maid left and Duo shuffled over to the bathroom to empty his bladder, take a shower and brush his teeth, using the brand-new toothbrush that had been provided. The clothes that were prepared for him were Trowa's; the two of them were about the same height and size, so the jeans, T-shirt and hoodie fit him well enough. Back in the bedroom, he stepped into his shoes, gathered his clothes from last night into his arms, and then trotted downstairs via the narrow service staircase leading directly into the kitchen.

A chef and a butler were working on lunch and both greeted him dutifully. Without even asking, the butler prepared him a cup of coffee and handed it to him as he slowly made his way around the cooking island, and to the sunroom where he knew breakfast and lunch were always served.

"He lives," said Trowa without even looking up from his tablet on which he was reading a news article.

Quatre sat across from him looking bright and cheery, like he hadn't been wasted last night as well. Apparently, the lightweight recovered quickly from a hangover. He patted the chair next to his and nodded at the glass of orange juice, the glass of water and two aspirin that were already waiting for him.

Duo took a seat and put aside his coffee only long enough to take the pills with half of the glass of water. Cradling the mug in his hands again, and holding it under his nose so he could breathe in the strong smell that helped wake him up, he thanked them for their hospitality: the party and letting him sleep over.

"That's what friends are fo~r," Quatre sang.

"God, how can you be so bubbly?"

"I did drink too much, yes," the blonde conceded, "but not as much as you."

"I told the bartender to cut you off after a while," remarked Trowa as he scrolled through the newsfeed. "But I should have done so sooner."

"You were too busy taking care of me," Quatre said sweetly; that was when Trowa looked up for the first time and the two shared a mischievous look.

"Oh, gross, can you please not? I can't handle your madly-in-love routine on an empty stomach."

The two of them chuckled.

Duo was presented with a hearty lunch; he didn't even realize how hungry he was until the smell hit him and he wolfed down the food. It helped tremendously with his hangover too, soaking up the last of the alcohol in his system. After finishing his coffee, he drank the orange juice and the rest of the water as well.

"When did Heero leave?" He wondered and hoped he didn't sound too pathetic. "I didn't even get to say goodbye and thank him for coming."

"Around midnight, I think," Quatre said and then hid behind his cup of tea.

"There was a bit of a spat," Trowa added, not aware that Quatre had intended to keep the rest of the story a secret. When his lover glared at him he looked apologetic.

"A spat? What- What does that mean?" Duo hated himself for hoping that Heero and Logan got into an argument that would doom their relationship.

Quatre wasn't going to say anything, but Trowa couldn't help himself. "It means your friend Jamie is an asshole when he's drunk."

"Trowa!"

He rolled his eyes at Quatre.

Duo commented: "Jamie is always an asshole, that's why he's not my friend. You guys are the ones that decided to invite him. What happened, what did he do?" He remembered what Heero had told him about what happened at the shop that one time.

"He made a homophobic remark," Trowa spat.

"Something about Heero's sweater looking like a dress," Quatre supplied, his voice soft. "And… some other stuff."

"I don't know the whole story," the green-eyed man continued, "I just know that if I hadn't walked by in that moment, Logan would have decked him."

Duo clenched his fists. His anger worsened his headache, but he didn't care. He regretted that Heero had been subjected to that and that he hadn't been around to prove to him that he would protect him from that kind of ignorant bullying.

"I sent Jamie home, but Heero and Logan didn't want to stay after that either," Trowa finished.

Noticing how upset Duo was getting, Quatre placed a hand on his arm and assured him: "It really wasn't that big of a deal. You have to understand – we're used to that sort of stuff happening once in a while."

Duo knuckles turned white. He _hated_ that gay people simply got used to being treated that way.

"And Logan had his back."

He was glad Logan stood up for Heero, but jealous at the same time because it wasn't him. Moments like this were perfect examples why Heero mentioned that didn't want straight friends: because he'd feel alone in the face of such hatred. But Duo wanted to prove – even though he wasn't fully straight – that Heero wouldn't be alone; that such remarks affected him too, and that he would equally take it to heart.

After lunch, Quatre drove him home. The ride was silent until Quatre asked: "You at least had a little bit of fun, right?"

Duo nodded unenthusiastically. "Yeah, of course."

"I'm starting to feel like the worst birthday-bash-host ever. First Heero's birthday, now yours."

"We both really appreciate it. The timing of our birthdays was just wrong."

They fell silent again. When the car stopped in front of the apartment building, Duo thanked Quatre one more time and then headed upstairs.

The apartment was empty; Heero was at work. Thankfully, Duo had arranged to take the day off, predicting that the surprise party would last into the wee hours of the night. He stripped out of Trowa's clothes and put on sweatpants and one of his own hoodies. He popped the hood over his head and stuffed his hands into the front pocket, and tucked himself into a corner of the couch. Before long he fell asleep.

* * *

X

* * *

Duo was rudely awoken again by the sound of pots and pans. He cracked his eyes open. The window that he was facing was a black square in the wall; it was nighttime. A handful of soft lamps lit the apartment, but none of the brighter, overhead lights were switched on. He straightened up at the sound of a breathless curse and turned in his seat to peer into the kitchen.

Heero was crouched on the floor, gathering up the stack of three different sized frying pans that he had let drop to the floor. Their eyes met and Heero sheepishly apologized.

"That's okay," Duo assured him.

"I was trying to let you sleep."

"I think I've slept enough," he said with a chuckle.

"I'm making dinner; are you hungry?"

He smiled. "Yeah, I could eat. What are you making?"

"Frittatas."

Duo made a low, appreciative sound. "What time is it?"

"Eight thirty."

"Oh… Little late for dinner, isn't it?"

"I got caught up at work. I knew that if I didn't finish I'd have to come in tomorrow, but this girl needs her weekend," Heero said sassily, pointing at himself, but then his eyebrow twitched and his mouth became a thin line. He seemed desperate to distract himself with retrieving the ingredients for dinner, poking his head deep into the refrigerator and taking a long time, as if he needed to hide for a moment. He put the eggs, potatoes, zucchini, paprika, mushrooms and leftovers – like feta cheese and sausage – on the counter. He turned on the stove and waited for the two skillets to heat up.

"I heard Jamie was an asshole to you last night," Duo started after some deliberation about whether he should even bring it up.

"Who?" Heero's neatly plucked and perfectly arched eyebrows pinched together.

"That guy from the auto shop."

"Oh. Yeah."

"I'm sorry. Quatre shouldn't have even invited him, but he couldn't have known. He was just trying to beef up the guest list."

"It's fine," Heero said with strained voice.

"Quatre said he made a dumb remark about the way you were dressed."

"It's fine, Duo," Heero insisted, staring intently at the melting butter. He was getting agitated and Duo knew it would probably be better if he would just drop it, but there were things he felt he had to say.

"Whatever he said, he's an idiot. You looked really beautiful."

"I'm not a chick, Duo," his roommate snapped. "You don't have to tell me that I look 'beautiful'." His eyes were dark and pained; there was an anger in his gaze but Duo got the impression he was angrier at himself than angry at him – he just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.

"But you did, so I have to tell you that you looked beautiful," he explained simply.

Heero snorted and returned his attention to cooking. He poured the egg mixture into the skillets and tossed in the chopped-up ingredients one by one. Duo wisely didn't say anything else. Heero kept the skillets on the stove for a few minutes before popping them both into the pre-heated oven. With a flick of his wrist, he set the timer and announced he'd be taking a quick shower in the meantime.

"Sure, yeah… I'll keep an eye out and set the table."

To fill the silence, Duo turned on the television and spent a few minutes trying to find something interesting to watch. He settled on a nature documentary that he trusted not to get gross, and then got up to set the table, first peering into the oven to make sure nothing was burning.

Just in time, Heero returned freshly showered. His hair was still damp, darkening the color, and his white T-shirt clung to him as he had rushed through drying off. The smell of his shampoo and body wash was comfortably familiar – the entire bathroom would smell of it every time he took a shower, and Duo couldn't deny that he liked finding excuses to spend time in the bathroom afterwards, to immerse himself in that smell and the humidity.

Heero took the skillets out of the oven and slid the frittatas onto two plates on the table at their usual seats, leaving one empty chair between them.

"Smells _ah-mazing_ ," Duo complimented, not really referring to the food, although that smelled great too.

"Hn. I think I made them too big."

"Not at all. I'm starving."

Duo easily ate his whole frittata, while Heero had trouble making his way through three-quarters of it. Duo ended up snatching bits off Heero's plate until the other just pushed it towards him and let him finish what was left.

"Wow, you weren't kidding," his roommate commented as he watched Duo eat the second plate clean. His expression was a mixture of awe and disgust.

"Yeah, I'm a hungry girl."

Heero looked at him oddly at the colloquial use of the word 'girl' – that he used on purpose because Heero had earlier – but he didn't say anything. He just stared for a moment and then got up from his seat.

Once Duo was done with his meal, he helped Heero with the dishes; then, while Heero went to bed early, he spent the evening – and most of the night – in front of the TV, not tired since he slept too much during the day.

* * *

X

* * *

It was Saturday, and Duo had to work to make up for his day off. He dreaded going into work on weekends; the most tedious chores always lined up at the shop, and most of his time was spent doing routine oil changes and replacing windshield wipers. He worried about having to interact with Jamie, but luckily it seemed the lanky, younger man was just as set on avoiding him as was the case vice versa. Maybe he should have confronted him about how he treated Heero at his birthday party, but he didn't want to cause trouble at work. Most of the time, he really loved his job and he didn't want to cause drama with a coworker and potentially jeopardize that.

The day winded down and the shop owner let him leave half an hour early, saying that Duo still looked tired. That was probably true – he had fucked up his own sleeping rhythm by sleeping through most of Friday, and then staying up in front of the TV, unable to fall asleep again.

When he arrived home, the apartment smelled sweet, like a bakery. The kitchen table was a mess of strewn flour, powdered sugar, scraped empty bowls of batter and icing, and used appliances. "Hey, uh, what's going on?" He couldn't see into the kitchen from where he stood at the door, but he heard Heero moving about.

"Sorry! I'll clean up the mess, I swear!"

Duo chuckled and shut the door behind him. "No, it's fine. It's your apartment too; do whatever you want." Duo was definitely the messier one of the two anyway. He shook off his coat and toed off his work boots before stepping further into the apartment. He poked his head around the corner to peek into the kitchen. Heero had his back turned to him. "What are you baking?"

Heero turned around in his spot, hiding something behind him. He looked cute in the navy-blue striped apron, dusted with flour in the vague shape of hands, and sporting a secretive smile. "Your birthday present."

"You _baked_ me a birthday present?" A smile crept up to Duo's lips.

His roommate grabbed the platter he was hiding behind him from the counter and presented it to him. "A belated birthday cake. There wasn't any cake at the party. Who throws a birthday party without birthday cake?"

"Mister Wheat-and-Gluten-Free, that's who," Duo joked and he came closer to appreciate his birthday cake. It was just a standard round cake with vanilla frosting, and the numbers 3 and 0 were written on top in an arrangement of M&M's. "That's so cute, thank you!" He was touched that Heero had spent such time and effort on him – it was completely unexpected, but exciting.

Heero looked pleased at the reaction and put the cake on the counter, commenting on it being heavy.

"What flavor is it?"

"Chocolate, with a layer of fudge filling in the center – I added some cut-up pieces of KitKat and M&M's too."

Duo's mouth started to water. "Woah, I can't wait."

"Would you like to try a piece?"

" _Like_? I would _love_ to try a piece, but only if you'll eat with me."

Heero smirked. "We'll just make it a small slice and call it an appetizer," he said since it was almost dinner time. He fetched two plates and two forks, and cut them each a small slice – too small for Duo's liking, but he didn't want to be greedy.

They cleared some space at the kitchen table and sat down. Duo took his first bite and moaned. The cake was moist and still warm; the fudge filling was smooth and rich, the crunch of the KitKats and M&M's added texture, and the vanilla icing added a light aftertaste to the full flavors.

"This is amazing! Where did you get the idea?"

"My mom used to make me cakes like these for my birthday."

"That's sweet." Duo felt uncomfortable knowing that Heero wasn't on the best of terms with his parents anymore since coming out. He didn't know much about their relationship – Heero never volunteered any information. He just knew that they lived far away and, in the four years that they have shared an apartment together, Heero never visited them. The situation with his own parents wasn't better; he had never met his dad, and his mom abandoned him in his early teens, leaving him to live with the Winners.

Rather than getting lost to those memories, Duo focused on the cake and how happy it made him that Heero did this just for him. "Thanks," he said, "I love my present."

"Better than socks?"

He let out a startled laugh. "Definitely." Heero smirked and took his next bite. "So, uhm… You and Logan, huh?"

"Hmhm," he replied with a mouthful.

"I didn't know. I thought he was your-…" Duo scrunched up his face at his own ineloquence. For shock value, he asked: "So how does that work: going from fuck-buddies to boyfriends?"

Heero was unfazed by the question. "I just asked him out for coffee. The sex has always been so great; he is so… _in tune_ with me. He knows me, and when I'm with him… _I_ know me. Does that make any sense?" Before Duo could even answer the question, Heero made a dismissive gesture and shrugged. "I figured we should give it a try."

"Aren't you worried about ruining what you had going with him?"

"No. Are you worried about ruining your friendship with Hilde?"

Duo coughed as cake crumbs got stuck in his throat. "Wha-what?"

"You and Hilde? I saw you two kiss at your party. It looked intense," Heero regarded him mirthfully.

"I shouldn't have done that. It was a mistake."

"Oh?"

"I don't feel that way about her."

Heero started to get uncomfortable as he recognized where the conversation was headed. He stuffed his mouth with a big bite of cake and looked away.

"I'm not going to prove you right," Duo asserted. "I'm not confused. I'm just not gay either."

"Whatever." Heero didn't look at him again.

"You know, I get it that you don't feel the same way about me. It hurts, but…" He shrugged. "Maybe you still want to think that we aren't friends, but I think we are and I'd really like it if I could talk to you about this stuff. I feel like you would understand and could help _me_ understand. Help me understand why I feel so strongly that 'not being gay' and 'being in love with you' are not mutually exclusive."

Heero narrowed his eyes at him and reacted bitten, although Duo didn't think he had said anything that was offensive. "Why me? Don't you have Quatre for this sort of shit?"

"I do. But I'd also like to talk to you."

"Well, I don't want to get dragged into your fucking gray area," he snapped.

Duo tried calmly: "I don't understand why you are getting so offended. I feel like you're misunderstanding me. I'm not saying that I'm in love with you because I think of you as less of a man. I know you're a man, but I also _know_ I'm not gay. I'm not saying that because I think being gay is a bad thing-"

"Can we please not do this? Things have been going so well between us lately," Heero pleaded.

"I don't want to be dishonest with you and pretend like my feelings are going away because they aren't. I'm not going to act on them," Duo tried to assure him. "You're not interested, I-… I get it," he swallowed his aching heart back down. "And you're with Logan now, I respect that."

"I'm sorry, Duo."

The American nodded, although he wasn't sure what Heero was apologizing for exactly.

"Can we just… stop bringing this up and pretend everything is normal?"

Duo weakly agreed, only because he knew that if he didn't, he could lose Heero forever; he could move out to escape the awkwardness and – since they "weren't friends" – Duo would never see him again.

* * *

X

* * *

Logan was a great guy.

 _Fuck._

Duo tried to ignore it, tried to pretend that Logan was no good for Heero, but as the weeks went by and their relationship became more serious – and Duo saw more and more of the tall blonde – he could no longer deny it. He wanted to hate him, but he couldn't.

Logan must have known Duo didn't like him much at first, but he never let it get to him, and he was always patient and nice. He had a quirky sense of humor; he'd put on silly voices and make a lot of funny sounds, comical faces and made-up words. It was endearing how he laughed at his own jokes, but nothing made him laugh more than Heero's sassiness. He was very open and unfiltered, and went red-faced whenever he realized he was sharing something embarrassing that other people would probably keep secret, but he'd tell the stories anyway. He could be a little ditzy at times, but he wasn't self-conscious about it and he didn't accept any bullshit about it either. He was really passionate about sports – the Celtics especially – and he was also athletic himself.

He stared at Heero as much as Duo did, alternating his gaze between the brilliant eyes and the glossy lips. They had cute little inside jokes too, like pretending to nod off when the other was pausing too long between words in search of what to say – sometimes nodding off in perfect unison, and then laughing hard at their synchronization.

Duo considered what Hilde had said – that Heero could fall in love with him, now that the context of their relationship was different. She had implied that he ought to make a subtle effort to get Heero to fall for him, but it felt wrong getting between him and Logan. Not only because Logan was such a genuinely great guy, but also because it was readily apparent that he made Heero happy. Duo didn't even realize how unhappy Heero had been before, until he noticed how much and how hard his roommate laughed lately; he felt guilty for not being sensitive to his cheerless demeanor from before. Heero was more open and more relaxed, even around Duo. It seemed that whatever troubles Quatre said he had been dealing with, Logan was helping him resolve them, or at least forget about them, if that constant bright smile was any indication.

Duo just wanted Heero to be happy, whether that was with him or with someone else. More evidence of how much he loved his roommate. It hurt beyond compare.

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 **Give a genderqueer angel their wings by leaving a review :P**

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 _ **Chapter FOUR – Dirty Little Secret**_ **will post on 01/29/2017**


	4. Chapter 4

**CaseyCuervo: My lips are sealed. You'll get more hints along the way, but the official reveal isn't until chapter seven (sorry). Hope you like this update :)**

 **Duaimei: Thank you for reading and reviewing :)**

 **TanithNight: Thanks for taking the time to review :) I hope you will like this new chapter.**

 **Guest: I hope you will keep reading to find out :)**

 **Chibichocopaws: Thanks you reviewing again :) I hope you will like this update, please share your thoughts with me :)**

* * *

 **Author's note:**

 **I'm a little sad that the story isn't "doing very well". Maybe it's the writing, maybe it's the dying fandom, maybe it's the weekly updates, maybe it's the (genderqueer) subject, maybe it's Maybeline… I dunno. It makes me rethink future projects.**

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 **READ THE GENERAL WARNINGS FOR THIS STORY AT THE START OF THE FIRST CHAPTER.**

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 **Beta: Shima Yi**

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 **The Neon Spectrum**

 _Not limited to black and white._

 _Not dulled to shades of gray._

 _The spectrum is neon._

 **Chapter FOUR – Dirty Little Secret**

Another day, another shopping trip with Quatre, this time in preparation for his and Trowa's trip to Southeast Asia. They would be traveling from country to country, and would be away for six weeks. Quatre purchased a lot of sensible clothes for the trip: breathy, thin materials that dried quickly and didn't need to be ironed. The couple had money like water, but they were going back to basics for this journey. Of course, back to basics for Quatre Winner also meant picking out a new pair of designer sunglasses.

Duo tried on the most preposterous frames he could find, and ignored the sales guy who kept exclaiming he looked "Great!" while he knew for a fact he looked ridiculous. His friend seemed to be trying on the same pair every time, until he pointed out the very – _very_ – subtle differences between the sunglasses.

"Well, they all look the same to me."

"But do they look good?" Quatre put on another pair.

"Yeah, they suit you."

"Hm…" He inspected the handful of frames and narrowed it down to two options; he kept alternating them and appraising his own reflection.

"You know what I always wonder?" Duo started, as he looked over Quatre's shoulder at his reflection – at the way his brow furrowed and disappeared behind the big sunglasses. "Why do you always ask me to go shopping with you? Why do you never go shopping with Heero? He's the one with actual fashion sense."

His friend switched glasses again. "His taste is very different."

Duo snorted. "As if our taste in clothes isn't different. You're preppy-chic like… United Colors of Benetton, and I'm-…" He looked down at himself, at his dark jeans and forest green plaid shirt – he wore a lot of plaid shirts. "United Colors of Lumberjack."

"Yeah, which is why you know better than to ever try to give me fashion advice. Heero would be a lot more outspoken, I think. Honestly, I just bring you along to carry my bags and tell me I look good in everything," Quatre flashed a smile.

"I'm honored." Duo maneuvered around him and leaned against the wall, waiting as Quatre still couldn't decide between the two nearly identical frames. "Maybe I should go shopping with Heero once," he mused aloud.

Quatre took off the pair of glasses to stare at him like he had said something stupid.

"What?"

"You think you could rock the crop-tops and super-skinny jeans?"

"No." Duo laughed at the provoked mental image of himself in the described outfit. "I think Heero is the only guy who can pull that look off."

Quatre chuckled at that, but there was something secretive in his eyes. The light color always reminded Duo of shallow, tropical seas – very unlike the deep, dark depths of Heero's oceanic pools – but in moments like this, he was reminded that he should not be fooled; there was more underneath the surface of those aquamarine eyes.

After a moment of contemplation, his blond friend tentatively said: "I wouldn't ask him to go shopping with you, though." It was clear he didn't want to get into the subject, but felt compelled to warn his friend.

"Oh?"

Quatre shrugged innocently. "I'm just saying… I don't think the added stress would be good for you guys, right now."

Duo was confused and let it show with a comical quirk of his eyebrow. "What added stress? I _like_ shopping," he reminded him, "even though I'm technically not even buying anything. And I know damn well Heero likes shopping too; he insisted on having the bedroom with the big closet, and still I hear him complain that it isn't big enough. And Quatre, let me tell you, it really is a _big_ fucking closet."

"He just prefers to go shopping by himself. And he does most of his shopping online nowadays anyway."

"He does? I've never noticed anything being delivered…"

"He has it delivered to my place."

"Why?"

"Because there is always someone at the house to accept the delivery."

 _Oh, that makes sense, I guess,_ Duo thought to himself.

"You really like it though? How he dresses?" Quatre wondered; it was a transparent attempt to stop the third-degree interrogation.

"I do. It's very… _him_."

Quatre smiled brightly. "That's nice. You're right, it is very him."

Going doe-eyed thinking about his secret love, Duo continued reverently: "I really admire him for it too. Considering the kind of ignorant shits that are still out there, I think it's really brave that he dares to be himself so openly. He knows who he is and he's not afraid to express it."

"Uhhh… yeah!" Quatre squeaked. He put away one of the pairs and hastily declared: "This is the one! Want to go get coffee?"

"Wait, hold up." Duo followed his friend as he hurried towards the cash register. "What was that all about?" He knew damn well it was about Heero's secret – the big secret everyone was hiding from him.

"Nothing," the blond lied and then made a point of starting up conversation with the overzealous salesman from before. The shopaholic never handed over his credit card more slowly, to stall for time. The salesman put the 600-dollar glasses in a fancy case, then put that in a box with golden letters, then put that in a gift bag, and then put golden ribbons on the gift bag at Quatre's request. All the while Duo was impatiently tapping his fingers on the glossy, white counter, keeping his glare fixed on his shorter friend.

 _He was not going to ramble or charm his way out of this one_ , Duo was determined. He held off until they exited the store, then demanded: "What was that little squeak about?"

Quatre made an innocent face. "Nothing."

"Quatre, you are the worst liar. Tell me what's going on!" Duo grabbed his wrist, stopping him in his tracks, and forced him to look at him. "I'm sick of this!"

"I can't tell you! I'm saying too much as it is!" Quatre made an angry face. "People really need to stop telling me secrets!" He stomped his foot. "And you need to stop asking me, because you know damn well it's going to burst out of me otherwise, and that's not fair to Heero! It's not my place to say!"

"But not knowing is driving me crazy! Is it something I should be worried about? Is he okay? Is there anything I can do?"

"It doesn't concern you at all, so drop it."

"Maybe I could help him if you tell me!" Duo felt horrible for pressing the issue. He didn't really want to force or manipulate Quatre into betraying Heero's trust, but the curiosity and the concern was killing him!

"He made me promise not to tell anyone, especially you!" Quatre burst, and then his eyes widened at his own words.

Duo's eyes, in turn, narrowed. "So, it does have something to do with me?"

"No! Nonono, not at all. You're misunderstanding."

Duo frowned at his friend. "Why else would he explicitly instruct you not to tell _me_?"

Quatre regarded him with pleading eyes. "Duo, I beg of you, please drop it. It has nothing to do with you, I promise you."

"Then why would he tell you to not tell me, _specifically_?" He realized he was shouting when he noticed other shoppers looking at them.

"You're reading way too much into this – he told me not to tell _anyone_."

"But especially me!" He threw the words back in his face. "Does it have something to do with my feelings for him?" His voice cracked. "Does he think I'm being a coward, because I told him that I'm in love with him but I deny being gay? Does he hate closeted people and think I'm like that?"

"God!" Quatre exclaimed. "You could not be further off the mark! Like I keep telling you: it's not about you. Please, stop it. Stop it!"

Duo deflated when he saw his friend's eyes well up with tears and become red-rimmed. "I'm sorry."

Quatre wiped at his eyes before any of the tears could spill.

"You have to understand, Quatre, it's driving me _crazy_." He emphasized the last word by dramatically stabbing a pointed finger at his forehead. " _You_ don't want to talk about anything, and _Heero_ doesn't want to talk about anything, and it's fucking me up in the head!"

"I know and I'm sorry about that, I truly am," Quatre sympathized. "I hate keeping secrets from you – you have no idea! Really, I-… I want to tell you what's going on so badly because I hate seeing you upset like this," his voice was raw with emotions, "but I owe it to Heero to keep my damn mouth shut about this. He told me something very personal, in confidence. It's not my place to say… I wish he would just tell you, but I understand why he isn't ready for that yet. I hope you can understand that too."

Duo's heart felt like it was shrinking in on itself, shriveling into a small jagged thing that made each heartbeat feel like a stab in his chest. "I worry about him…" His voice was so soft he was surprised Quatre had even heard him over the indistinct murmur of the crowd that passed around them, like a river navigating around a rock.

Quatre offered him a small smile. "Don't. I promise he'll be fine."

"He's not sick or anything, right?" All kinds of scenarios were playing through his head at that point.

The other shook his head in response.

"I want to help. Whatever it is, I want to help."

Quatre reached out and rubbed his upper arm soothingly. "And you will, when he's ready to tell you. Until then, he has me and Trowa, and his girlfriends, who know what's going on; I promise you that we will help him in every way."

Duo nodded and took a deep breath as he tried to compose himself. "You think he _will_ tell me someday, though?"

"I think so, yeah. It's not a secret he can keep forever. It's not a secret he should keep forever."

"But he's okay, right?" Duo asked, needing the reassurance once more.

"He's-… He will be fine." Quatre smiled again, but his eyes were definitely not calm, shallow seas.

Duo didn't know what to think. He didn't feel much better about any of it, but he knew he had to stop pressing. If he continued to demand to know what was going on, it would put an irreparable strain on his friendship with Quatre; he didn't want to lose his best friend.

"Do you want to go get coffee?" The shorter man offered, trying to act normal.

Duo shook his head. He was exhausted and his head felt heavy, like he could barely keep it upright. His mind was too clouded. "I think-… I'm gonna go home." He forced on a smile and joked: "I feel like I need a nap."

"Okay." Quatre's concern was evident but he didn't say anything.

The American handed his friend the shopping bags he had been carrying for him, and told him he'd just take the bus when Quatre offered to give him a ride home. He left the short blonde to continue his shopping spree and arrived at the bus stop just in time to hop on the bus that would take him within two blocks of the apartment building. A slight drizzle of rain didn't exactly help his mood. He popped the collar of his jacket and ducked his head between his shoulders, tucking his chin against his chest. He kept his hands warm in his pocket.

Inside the apartment, it was warm and music was playing in Heero's bedroom – some nineties pop song with powerful female vocals that wasn't really Duo's style, but Heero's taste in music was eclectic and all-encompassing.

He called out once, then again, to announce his presence. The music was cut off.

"Hello?" Heero called, uncertain.

"Hey, it's me!" Duo responded. He hung his jacket on the doorknob of the front door so the water could drip down on the mat, rather than hanging the item on the coatrack and wetting everything else. He headed into the kitchen to fix himself some instant hot chocolate. It wasn't really that cold outside, but he felt like treating himself to the sweet drink; it always reminded him of happy memories from his childhood with the Winners, when life was fairly uncomplicated. He stirred the powder through the scalding hot water and stood at the counter, browsing through the social media on his phone as he waited for his drink to cool to a point where it wouldn't burn his tongue on the first sip.

After a few minutes, Heero appeared. "Hey, you're home early," he said by way of greeting. His lips formed a self-conscious smile and he wiped his palms on the legs of his black skinny jeans. "I thought you'd be gone all day."

"Yeah, I- uh, I was kinda done with shopping," Duo replied with a shrug. He looked at his roommate apologetically when he realized Heero had counted on having the apartment to himself all day. "Sorry, is-… is Logan here?"

"What? No." Heero shook his head fervently, as if Duo's conclusion was preposterous.

"Oh. Well, don't mind me. You can turn the music back on, it's fine." He took his first sip and was relieved when the liquid was comfortably hot, not too hot. He felt it go down his throat and settle in his stomach, where it provided some comfort and smothered the uneasy feeling that had been bothering him. "That's a nice sweater; is it new?"

Heero looked down at the bright pink, cashmere sweater he was wearing – the hem of it skimmed the top of his thighs. "It is, thanks."

"It looks expensive," Duo remarked without judgment. He yearned to reach out and touch the soft fabric and feel the warmth of Heero's skin underneath.

"It's Yves Saint Laurent." Heero cocked his chin up with a smirk.

Duo still didn't understand why Heero and Quatre didn't go shopping together – they both had expensive tastes. "Pink's a good color on you," Duo noted. It was the truth; it made the golden tone of his skin even warmer, and he was practically glowing.

"It's not pink, it's magenta."

Duo snorted and mocked: "It's not a dog, it's a Golden Retriever!"

Heero scowled. "You're talking nonsense."

"Exactly." He laughed and then offered to make Heero hot chocolate as well, but his roommate declined. "Is the sweater for a special occasion? Is Logan taking you somewhere nice?"

"I'm not going out with Logan tonight," Heero said and again, he said it with that perplexed tone, like it was supposed to be obvious that they wouldn't be going out.

But nothing was obvious to Duo. _There is so much I don't know!_ "But it's Saturday. Aren't Saturdays the quintessential date nights?"

"Maybe, I don't know. But we're not going out tonight."

"Everything okay between you two?" Duo inquired before he could filter his thoughts. Maybe that was a question he shouldn't have asked, as a "non-friend". However, his curiosity could not be contained.

"We're fine. We don't need to see each other every waking minute. We have our own lives and some things are better left mysterious."

The American raised his hands at the defensive tone. "No, yeah, totally." _You are all about mystery, aren't you?_

"Is it okay if we order in tonight? I don't feel like cooking."

The thought of guilty-pleasure food elevated Duo's mood. Excitedly, he exclaimed: "Pizza?"

Heero chuckled. "If you want, sure."

"My day just got so much better," he muttered into his mug before taking another drink.

"Why? Was it bad before?" Heero navigated around him to get water from the fridge.

"Uhm… No," he lied. He couldn't tell Heero about the argument he had with Quatre in the middle of the shopping center; that would mean admitting that he knew of the existence of 'the secret' and had been trying to force Quatre to spill the tea. "It just got exponentially _better_ ," he reiterated.

"Yeah, pizza is goo~d," Heero drawled in agreement and flashed a smile.

They each killed some time in the privacy of their own bedroom until it was dinner time. They ordered a pizza each – Duo got a supersize with practically everything on it. Their order arrived quickly; the pizza place was only three blocks away, and the delivery boys always knew they could count on a generous tip if they made their apartment the first stop of the night.

Duo sat on the couch, with the box on his lap and a tall glass of coke balanced on the armrest. Heero seated himself cross-legged on the floor at the coffee table, facing away from him and toward the television, where a mature cartoon with crass humor was playing. When Duo opened his box, he was hit with steam and the mouth-watering smell. He was momentarily distracted from his meal when he heard Heero giggle at himself; he looked over to see him struggle to bite off the extended string of cheese that connected his mouth to the slice of pizza he held. It was then that Duo noticed the sparkling, midnight-blue nail polish on his roommate's nails.

He wondered if maybe Heero was supposed to go on a date with Logan that night, and the man perhaps cancelled on him last-minute. It did seem like the Japanese man got all dolled up for some occasion. Heero always put effort in his appearance, but the added touch of the nail polish was something new and rare – Duo assumed it had to mean something. He knew better than to ask, though, and instead, attacked his food.

When Heero was done with his pizza, he joined Duo on the couch, albeit sitting at the very far end of it. But the point was that he stuck around after dinner, voluntarily spending time with him, watching three more of the half-hour-long episodes in his company. They laughed in unison at the jokes and were both shocked by the same foul remarks the cartoon characters made.

Duo felt grateful for the time Heero spent with him; it relieved him of some of the concerns that had been plaguing him, especially since his discussion with Quatre earlier that day. Maybe the whole "secret-thing" was being blown out of proportion by his own curiosity. Heero seemed fine, curled up on the couch with his feet tucked under him, laughing carelessly at the vulgar puns. He seemed happy and it warmed Duo's heart. Seeing him so radiant made Duo fall that much more in love with him… but he had to remind himself that Heero was with Logan, and that Logan was the source of this happiness, not Duo.

* * *

X

* * *

It was disconcerting that Duo hadn't seen Logan for nearly two weeks straight – following that Saturday – when he used to be a regular sight for sore eyes at the apartment before: appearing almost every night to pick Heero up for a date; or sheepishly coming into the kitchen in the morning, asking Duo permission to make himself coffee and grab something to eat from the fridge. Heero hadn't left the apartment to meet up with him either, staying cooped up in his room.

When Duo asked about it, his roommate assured him that everything was fine in the relationship and for the first few days. Duo believed him, because Heero himself believed it too as he said it. After two weeks, though, neither were no longer convinced, but Heero kept lying to him and Duo kept accepting the lie, not wanting to overstep boundaries.

He was concerned, but he didn't want to ask any questions, too afraid of being accused of butting in. However, he became involved without his own volition, when the third Logan-less Saturday rolled around.

Heero was out of the house – two of his friends spontaneously showed up and practically demanded that he join them for lunch – so Duo was alone when the phone rang. He froze on the couch at the unfamiliar sound; his first instinct was to check his cellphone, even though he knew damn well that his ringtone was entirely different from the classic, sharp tone he was hearing. The screen of his phone was black and when he pressed the home-button, his background-of-the-week simply appeared, not even a missed text message or tweet. Only then did it hit him: it was the landline.

Quizzically, he looked at the phone mounted on the wall by the intercom for the downstairs front door. In the four years they had lived in the apartment, no one had ever called them on the landline. Not even sales people.

Duo shot up as he realized that a ringing phone needed to be answered. "Hello?" He rolled his eyes at his tone; he sounded like he was starring in a horror-movie.

"Hey, Duo."

He recognized Logan's deep voice instantly, even as it was slightly distorted over the phone line. "Logan, hi. Uhm, Heero isn't home."

"I know. Lunch with the girlfriends, he told me."

"… Okay."

"I wanted to talk to you, but I figured showing up at the door would be a little too in-your-face. Though, you have no idea how long it took me to find this number."

Duo chuckled. "Actually, I can imagine. But…" He scratched the back of his neck. "Why do you want to talk to me?"

"I wanted to talk to you about Heero."

His throat constricted. "I- I shouldn't get involved."

"Please?"

"Look, whatever is going on… I don't know anything." That was the truth. "I can't help."

Logan ignored his words and started: "Heero's been weird the past two weeks. He's been ignoring me. I mean, sort of… No, 'ignoring' is the wrong word. I guess: 'avoiding'? He replies to my texts and answers my calls and stuff, but he keeps finding excuses not to meet up. I was wondering if something happened? Or did he say something? Did I do something wrong?" He sounded desperate.

"Like I said, I don't know anything," Duo stressed. It was interesting to know that Heero had been responsible for the distance between him and Logan; Duo assumed it was the other way around. Heero was madly in love with the tall, blond man – why wouldn't he want to see him?

"I miss him," Logan said softly and Duo felt conflicted; he cared about Logan – he was a good guy – but he still, selfishly, continued to love Heero and wish for him to be his.

"I'm sorry. If-… For what it's worth, it seems Heero misses you too." He frowned at himself. _But that doesn't make any sense!_

"That doesn't make any sense."

 _My thoughts exactly!_

"If he misses me, why does he keep avoiding me?"

"I don't know, man," Duo whined. "I don't pretend to understand Heero."

Logan chuckled at that, in spite of the situation. "Yeah, he's hard to read and so unpredictable – keeps people guessing."

"I'm sorry, I wish I had the answers for you." _And for myself_. "But I'm sure everything will be fine, if he's still texting and calling."

"You think so?" Without waiting for a reply, Logan asked again: "Are you sure he didn't say something? About me? About-…?" He stopped himself.

Duo quirked an eyebrow. Instantly, his warm and fuzzy feelings for the other man turned cold, and the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end. "What are you asking? Did you do something?"

"Woah- okay, I wasn't going to say anything if Heero hadn't mentioned it to you, but now I feel like I have to tell you because you are clearly drawing the wrong conclusions," Logan said in defense.

"What did you do?" Duo demanded.

"It's nothing like-… Jesus, okay." Logan struggled to put his thoughts in order and explain himself. "The last time I saw him, two and a half weeks ago, we were at my place and we were…"

Duo made a face, regretting having to hear the story.

"You know? Making out!" He eventually blurted in true Logan-fashion. "We were in bed, things were getting heated… We were both having a good time – at least I thought so – so I wanted to make it even better. I became more forward with my touches, to move it along, and Heero was just giving me conflicting messages."

"What kind of messages?"

"He was definitely giving consent, okay? He was into it. But every time I tried to work my hands into the front of his jeans, he'd readjust my hand to his hip or his ass."

"That seems like a pretty clear message to me," Duo seethed.

"But he was touching me! All I wanted to do was to return the favor. Heero and I have had sex a lot over the past few years – we have it down pat."

 _I don't want to know._ But this was Logan, Duo knew; Logan shares everything. He was actually being uncharacteristically filtered.

"I tried it again. I just wanted to make him feel good – he was rutting against my leg! – and then he was just _over_ it. He asked if we could cuddle. I- I didn't mean to be an asshole – I don't think I was. All I did was ask him why he didn't want me to jerk him off, and that's when he got out of bed and left. He kept saying everything was fine, but obviously…" Logan let his sentence trail off, and then waited with baited breath for Duo's input.

Duo was somewhat put at ease. If that was the whole story, then it certainly wasn't as bad as he feared a minute ago, but he didn't know what to say. He had no clever insight into Heero whatsoever; he knew he was already getting more involved, and being told more personal details, than his roommate would want him to. The thought of Logan confessing to Heero that he had called Duo for advice, and told him about that night – regardless of the fact that he couldn't really make any sense of what happened – made him antsy.

"You're just going to have to talk to Heero about this," he stated firmly.

Logan released a sigh. "Yeah, okay." After a pause, he added: "I'm sorry for dragging you into this."

"Me too," Duo muttered under his breath.

"What?"

"It's cool," he amended. "Good luck."

"Yeah… thanks." The line was promptly disconnected.

Duo listened to the dial tone for a few seconds, trying to gather his thoughts. He felt sorry for Logan – the man sounded genuinely upset and confused. He couldn't figure out why Heero was acting the way he was, when the two of them were so great together. Maybe Logan didn't tell the whole story? He shook his head at himself, Logan was a good guy and he believed him.

Heero came home two hours later. Duo turned in his seat on the couch at the ruckus as his roommate came through the front door, and he blinked in surprise at the two big shopping bags that Heero struggled with as he toed off his boots and took off his long, grey wool coat.

 _So much for preferring to shop by himself_ , Duo thought bitterly, wondering if Quatre had been lying to him or if Heero had been lying to Quatre. "Had a good time with the girls?"

"Yeah. We went shopping after lunch."

"I-…" He stared pointedly at the bags, "I can see that."

Heero smiled sheepishly. "Peer pressure, I guess. I'll probably return most of it."

Duo raised his hands. "Hey, no judgment here."

"No, the judgment will come in the mail at the end of the month," Heero deadpanned, referring to the credit card statement he'd receive in the mail.

"Need my fashion advice on anything?"

The Japanese man snorted. "If I'm ever stumped for the perfect plaid shirt, I'll know where to find you."

Duo smirked, enjoying the banter. Heero carried the bags into his bedroom and was gone for only a few minutes before returning to the kitchen to make himself coffee. He held up a second mug in a wordless question.

"Please, thank you."

Heero put the two mugs under the machine and refilled the water in the tank, then waited for the machine to heat up the water in preparation. Meanwhile, Duo fidgeted with the loose fabric of his sweatpants, pinching the material between his thumb and forefinger and pulling out the fabric as far as he could, before releasing it and watching the hollow mountain of fabric slump back down to his thigh. He needed to tell Heero about Logan calling before Logan inevitably confessed to the odd exchange. Otherwise, it would seem like Duo was trying to hide it from him. Even though Duo was supposed to accept Heero keeping secrets from him, he knew he would not be allowed the same leeway.

Heero walked over and handed him the steaming mug. He nodded over his shoulder at his bedroom and said: "I'm going to wallow in buyer's remorse." He started to walk away.

"Logan called."

The shorter man stopped in his tracks and turned around with a confused expression. "I left my phone here?" He patted the pockets of his jeans and then pulled his cellphone out of his back pocket, answering his own question.

"He called on the landline."

" _Why?_ "

Duo swallowed. "He wanted to talk to me."

"About…?"

"You."

Heero pursed his lips; his lowered eyebrows cast dark shadows on his eyes.

"He told me what happened that Wednesday, when you guys were last together. Sort of… he didn't get into details," Duo rushed to say, but Heero's expression became increasingly dangerous. "He's worried about you – about the two of you. He hoped I could tell him anything."

"And what did you tell him?" Heero snapped.

"Nothing! What _could_ I have told him? I don't know anything!" He practically shouted in his own defense. "Really, all I said was that I thought you missed him too – that's it."

"And what did _he_ say?"

"That he was worried that he had done something wrong. Heero," Duo changed his tone, softening his voice, "did he do something wrong?"

Heero's nostrils flared. "That's none of your business."

"Maybe… But you're my roommate, and I lo-" he stopped himself and amended: "I care about you. If he _did_ anything, I'd want to know, so I could protect you from him."

The other snorted. "I don't need you to protect me. Nothing happened, Logan isn't like that."

"Okay, if you say so, I believe you." He awkwardly traced the rim of the coffee mug with his finger and stared deeply into the dark liquid that was cooling down. "I wasn't trying to meddle," he added weakly, "but he called me and he got me all worked-up. I told him I didn't want to get involved – that you wouldn't want me to get involved – but you know Logan… he just starts saying shit."

Heero's anger deflated. "Yeah, I know." A small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.

"You really love him, don't you?" Duo hoped he hid his pain well enough.

Heero nodded slowly, thoughtfully. "I think I do. He makes me feel good about myself."

Duo played idly with the ear of the mug and chewed on the inside of his cheek. "But, if that's the case, why have you been avoiding him?"

The Japanese man stared at him with uncertain eyes as he was trying to decide whether he could trust him or not. "There's something he doesn't know about me," he started.

Duo's heart skipped a beat, then leaped up into his throat.

"Something-… Something-…" Heero made a vague gesture with his free hand and then nervously rubbed his index finger against his bottom lip. "It's too soon for him to know. I don't want to scare him off. I don't want to ruin things between us."

"You're afraid he won't love you anymore if he knew?" As Duo asked his question, he thought back to the conversation he had with Quatre months ago, when his friend implied the same thing to him: that Duo's romantic feelings for Heero might change if he _really_ knew him.

Heero nodded. It was all he could do.

Trying to console him, Duo offered: "I'm sure that's not-"

"Please don't," Heero interrupted him. "I know you just want to make me feel better, but you can't say that; you don't know that."

"Can I say something and you promise you won't freak out?"

Heero stared at him apprehensively and eventually conceded.

Duo put the coffee mug away – the drink was cold now anyway. He regarded his roommate with a poignant gaze. "As someone who is also very much in love with you-"

"Duo…" the other breathed.

But Duo didn't allow himself to be interrupted. "- just like Logan – I can assure you that loving you is a pretty powerful thing. I don't see anything getting in the way of that. You are odd, ever-changing, unpredictable, exciting… Logan knows this, as much as I do, and he loves you, not in spite of it, but _because_ of it – as much as I do. Don't tell your secret if you aren't ready yet, but don't assume we can't handle another 'surprise'; we know you are full of surprises and, personally, I love it."

Heero smiled, but it was a sad smile and his eyes were empty, void of all sparkle. "This isn't some cute little quirk, Duo."

"Give us a chance to surprise _you_. Give us a chance to prove you wrong. But only when you're ready," he stressed.

The other released a sigh. "Thanks… I guess."

Duo got up from the couch; he grabbed his coffee mug off the table and took Heero's mug from him as well. "Let me make us a new cup of coffee," he said with an impish smile and set to work. Standing in the kitchen, he called out, in an attempt to lighten the atmosphere: "How about I cook tonight? What are you in the mood for?"

Heero rounded the corner and leaned his hip against the counter. With his arms crossed in front of his chest, he watched the machine pour fresh, hot coffee into the rinsed-out mugs. "… Pizza?"

Duo chuckled. It was for the best; he was a horrible cook. "Good choice."

* * *

X

* * *

It took four more days, but Heero and Logan went out again and the relationship picked up right where it left off, as if nothing had happened. Duo supposed that both were eager to pretend that was the case, even though they both knew, deep down, that something was off. In spite of his burning curiosity, Duo stayed out of it, and his established friendship with Quatre, as well as his blossoming friendship with Heero – although his roommate would still fervently deny them being 'friends' – benefited.

Watching episodes of that boorish cartoon together became a staple, as did Saturday-night pizza.

When Quatre and Trowa left for their six-week-long trek through Southeast Asia, Heero and Duo became even closer, spending more time together, with their favorite blonde and his stoic – but lovable – emerald-eyed boyfriend unavailable to them. Logan was around a lot too, but the man never made Duo feel like the third wheel. It seemed like Heero hadn't told the tall, broad man of the feelings Duo cherished for his roommate; the situation would have certainly been awkward otherwise, and Duo was grateful for that. It was leveling, knowing that he, too, had a "dirty little secret" that needed to be kept. It put everything in a new perspective, and he was finally able to let go. He decided to trust Quatre when he said he had nothing to worry about, and he would patiently wait for Heero to tell him eventually.

In spite of his feelings for Heero, Duo wanted to start dating again – he couldn't pine after his roommate forever. However, he wanted to try something new. He had been so focused on Heero and "the secret" that he had neglected to figure himself out in the wake of the revelation that he was capable of falling in love with other men. Although it was tempting to label himself as part heterosexual, part "Heero-sexual" and just be done with it, it was naïve – and possibly destructive – to his sexual identity to truly believe the Japanese man could be the only exception to his standard attraction. Was he bisexual, but with a clear preference; or perhaps pansexual? As he got into researching the subject again, he found few answers because, after being fooled by his own attraction for nearly thirty years, he didn't really trust himself to identify as anything based on the parameters described on Wikipedia. Attraction wasn't analyzed, it was experienced.

So, one of Quatre's first duties as a friend, once he returned from his trip, was to take Duo to a gay club. The blonde was not exactly thrilled, and neither was his longtime boyfriend, who went along as chaperone.

The club of Quatre's choosing was much like any club Duo had ever been to. The music was so loud it was a reduced to a pounding bass that spread across the dancefloor in pulses, and made the heart vibrate in the chest; an overhead lightshow enhanced the beat, and flashed colors across sweaty faces and there was a constant tug-of-war at the bar. The only real, discernible difference was that there were no women, which meant a lot more naked, sweaty torsos on the dance floor. In spite of not being new to bars and clubs, Duo was overwhelmed and intimidated; he was grateful to have his friends with him, especially when the first drunk man plastered himself against him and was angling for a kiss. Duo excused himself as politely as he could, and shot a desperate look to Quatre and Trowa, who ushered him through the crowd and up a metal staircase to a mezzanine with tables and seats overlooking the dance floor. The music was too loud for conversation and most of the benches were occupied by couples of men feverishly making out. Trowa headed back down to the bar to get them drinks.

Duo looked lost, so Quatre took the initiative and picked a free table for them to sit at. The blonde just watched him as he took in his surroundings.

Trowa returned with drinks – colorful cocktails – and shot Duo a smirk when the man reminded him: "But I had asked for a beer!"

"What?!" Trowa shot back.

Duo shook his head. _I know damn well you heard me._ He tried his first sip and found the drink to be too sweet – he could even feel the added granulated sugar on his tongue – but it was to mask the strong taste of the large quantity of alcohol. Needing a little help to loosen up, he took another drink from the glass.

"So, what now?" Quatre asked, leaning in so he could be heard.

Duo shrugged. "I don't know!"

"What do you mean you don't know? You dragged us all the way here! I assumed you'd have a plan!"

"No plan!" He realized how silly he sounded. "Just wanted to… _see_!"

"What the Hell did you expect to see: some Eyes Wide Shut kind of bullshit? It's just a club, Duo! Like any other club! But with more penises!"

"And definitely some ' _cunts'_ too!" Trowa added and he grinned at his lover who shot him a sideways glance.

"Does Heero ever come to this place?" Duo asked, after what he deemed to have been an appropriate length of time to not bring up Heero.

Quatre fixed a glare on him. "I thought this was about getting over Heero?"

"Maybe. I don't know yet." Realizing he had to keep shouting to be heard over the music, he continued more loudly: "I can't force myself to fall in love with someone else!"

"At least stop thinking about him for one Goddamn night!"

Duo nodded. That was probably a good idea.

They finished their drinks and then went down to the dancefloor where they made their way to the center and let loose on the music. Duo had a lot of fun dancing with his friends; it wasn't something they had ever done before, but he hoped they would do it more often from then on. Trowa was more of a "grinder", with exaggerated hip movements and standing bent at the knee so he wouldn't tower over everyone else like he usually did. Quatre pretty much stuck to "vogueing", moving his hands and arms in elegant shapes, framing his face as he put on fierce expressions. Both were amusing to behold. Duo mostly just jumped to the beat, bobbed his head and threw his arms up. He wasn't much of a dancer and he never needed to be; his dates were always happy to dance around him and all he ever needed to do was keep them close.

Trowa got them drinks two more times before he said it was Duo's turn to go to the bar. His intentions were clear as he fixed a hungry gaze on his shorter lover. Duo was quick to leave the two alone and braved a visit to the restrooms. It was readily apparent that two men were having sex in one of the stalls, but Duo was mostly amused by how nobody paid any attention to the groans and the way the partition between the stalls shook. It was the most normal thing in the world – in _their_ world, at least.

Next, he went to the bar and squeezed himself between two occupying the stools on either side of him. His arm brushed against a man's sweaty shoulder but it elicited no reaction. He waved over the bartender and was acknowledged, but with a look that clearly communicated "I'll be right with you". When the bartender finally got around to him, he was stumped for the order – he didn't know what those cocktails were called, so he ended up describing the drink to the bartender, hoping to see a flicker of recognition in his dark eyes.

The man smiled at him and nodded. "Coming right up." He left for the other end of the bar to fix the three drinks, and in the meantime Duo fished some cash out of his back pocket. When the bartender returned and put the drink in front of him, Duo held out the twenty dollar bill to him, but the man shook his head. "I'm sorry, sir, that's not enough."

Duo blinked him.

With a smirk, he said: "It's going to cost you your phone number."

A silly smile spread across Duo's lips and he was certain a blush spread down from his cheeks to his chest. "Uhh, why?"

"You're cute and I love your hair."

"And it's that simple, huh?"

The bartender beamed a smile and nodded.

Duo stared at him: at his dark curly hair, cute dimple, broad shoulders and thick, toned arms. He looked great in that black muscle shirt. He was attractive, for sure, but Duo wasn't attracted to him. He didn't know if it was because of the limitations of his sexuality, or because he was too hung up on Heero. Maybe a little bit of both? "I'm sorry, but I'm-…" He shook his head and offered a smile. "There is someone," he said vaguely.

The bartender's smile never wavered. "That's cool. Worth a shot." With a wink, he accepted the twenty-dollar bill.

The American awkwardly gathered the three drinks and maneuvered through the writhing mass of bodies to see his friends dancing together in a way that he didn't want to interrupt. He left them to basically dry-hump on the dancefloor and went back upstairs where he found an empty table in the corner. He seated himself with his back to the space and put the three drinks in front of him.

As he started on the first, he produced his phone from his pocket. Emboldened by the three strong cocktails he had prior, and while enjoying the fourth, he texted Heero, who he knew was spending the night at Logan's.

 **Guess where i am**

A mere heartbeat after sending the message, the notification read that Heero had opened it.

" _Just my roommate is typing…_ " appeared for no longer than a few seconds.

 _ **In the Land of Oz, on ur way to get a brain?**_

Duo chuckled. **No**

 _ **Shame**_

 **Guess again**

 _ **Are u drunk?**_

He finished his drink and took a sip from the next before texting back: **Drunk is not a place**. Then he answered dishonestly: **No, not yet**

 _ **I bet ur making a dapper effort tho**_

His mouth formed a sloppy grin. **Guess!** He reminded him.

 _ **A bar…**_

 **What kind of bar?** Then immediately after he typed: **Ill give u a hint: lets start a war, a nuclear war…** He added music notes to his message before pressing send.

 _ **At the gay bar?**_

 **Bingo!**

 _ **Hold on, are you at the gay bar or at bingo?**_ After a brief pause, Duo received a follow-up message: _**jk**_

 **Wanna come join me?**

 _Just my roommate is typing…_

Duo stared at the screen and waited. It was taking a long time and he was about to jokingly ask him if he was writing the next great American novel, when an oddly short message popped up.

 _ **No.**_

He wondered why it had taken him so long to send the message – what was left on the cutting room floor? The period at the end was also very definitive. He had always been taught to actively avoid the use of a full stop at the end of a text message.

He typed back: **But im lonely…**

 _ **Then ur doing sumthing wrong**_

He laughed – he could imagine Heero saying that, with a flat tone and a raised eyebrow. **I brought Q + T as my wingmen, but it backfired**

 _ **U don't bring a couple as ur wingmen, idiot**_

 **Save me, come dance with me** , he typed and, against better judgment, he pressed send. Tomorrow he'd blame it on the alcohol.

 _Just my roommate is typing…_

 _Just my roommate is typing…_

 _Just my roommate is typing…_

 _ **Im with Logan.**_

Duo made a face and valiantly tried: **U can bring him 2**

 _ **No, Duo. im with Logan**_ , Heero repeated and Duo understood what he meant. He wasn't just with Logan at that moment; he was _with_ Logan, and he had caught on that Duo was being cheeky and flirtatious, and he was calling him out on it.

 **Im sorry**. Duo added: **i think i am drunk now**. Without even realizing it, he had finished the three drinks. The message was delivered but as he waited and waited, he didn't get a notification that Heero had read his text; after four songs, it was clear that he had checked out of the conversation. He was with Logan after all. Duo pouted at the empty glasses in front of him as he imagined the two of them on the couch in Logan's apartment. He had never been to Logan's apartment, so his mind supplied the image of their own couch, in their shared living room – making the mental picture that much worse. He pictured them kissing and touching – Logan absolutely dwarfing Heero and practically smothering him with his big body as he pressed his boyfriend down onto the cushions.

Not thinking about Heero – even for one "Goddamn night", as Quatre had put it – was impossible. He was in love with him, the kind of all-consuming love that only got more obsessive when it goes unrequited. Duo admitted that his feelings for Heero might be naïve. They spent so much time together and all Duo knew was that his roommate made him laugh; that he had cute little dimples whenever he smiled; that he has a kind, warm heart that he compensated for with a dry, sassy attitude; that he's a good cook, that he likes fashion; and that he has _rules_ about allowing straight men into his life. But he didn't _know_ Heero the way he should to be able to say he loved him, or so one would expect.

It went beyond _the secret_ ; the secret had been pushed to the back of his thoughts. No, it was more than that. He didn't even know if Heero had any siblings, what college he went to, if he had a driver's license, if he had ever broken a bone… He didn't even know if any of that mattered, but – increasingly intoxicated as he was – his train of thought wasn't very linear, and his mind supplied all kinds of weird questions about his roommate.

Quatre and Trowa eventually came upstairs to find him sulking and mumbling incoherently, so they made the executive decision to arrange an Uber and head home. The three of them crammed into the back seat of the car after the driver had made it clear he didn't want any of them sitting in the front with him – he could expect a poor rating. Quatre was in the middle because he was the shortest, and both Trowa and Duo leaned against him – Trowa because he just wanted to be close to him, and Duo because he simply couldn't keep himself seated upright as the car made sharp turns on the way to his apartment building.

"Are you okay?" Quatre asked as Duo stumbled out of the car upon arriving at the first destination.

"I'm… fi~ne." He even went so far as to give him a thumbs-up.

The blond smiled awkwardly in return. "Not the most successful introduction to the gay-club life, huh?"

"I had fun!" Duo argued, gesturing wildly and then tripped over his own feet.

"Okay." Quatre was unconvinced. "Goodnight, Duo. Remember to take an aspirin and drink a glass of water before you hit the sack."

"Yes, Mother." He waved them off and then headed inside. The apartment was dark and quiet.

"I'm _with_ Logan," Duo said to himself bitterly, remembering the text clearly in spite of the haze in his head caused by his drunken state. He didn't heed Quatre's advice – he forgot the useful tip, unlike that damn text – and dropped face first onto his mattress, not bothering to take off his clothes, shoes, or even to shut his bedroom door.

Heero was with Logan anyway, so it didn't matter.

* * *

 ** _Chapter FIVE – Closer_ will post on 02/05/2017**


	5. Chapter 5

**Guest: Thank you so much for your review! I hope the notification for this update made you equally as enthusiastic :)**

 **Jodez02: I think the pace is starting to pick up from here on out and you'll get more clues in this chapter, but you'll have to wait just a tiny bit longer for the official reveal :) Thank you for reading and reviewing!**

 **Keiko: Thank you so much for reading my stories and for taking the time to leave a review; your support means a lot to me. I hope you will enjoy this update :)**

 **TanithNight: I hope you will keep reading to find out what the secret really is and whether or not Duo will be put off by it ;)**

 **Zippersbefun: Thank you for reading! I'm very grateful to hear you are enjoying the story :)**

 **AngelStarlight: I always get down on myself after posting anything, but usually the response helps reassure me that, in spite of my insecurities, people are at least enjoying the read; with this story getting fewer views and even less comments, I had to wonder if it was worth the stress I put myself to under :\ But I'm very thankful for the response to my author's note, so I'll soldier on for as long as I can. I hope you will continue to read and that you will enjoy this update :)**

 **Morningglory: Thank you so much for leaving a review, I'm glad to hear you are enjoying the angst :)**

 **Big Fan: Thank you so much, that is very kind! I'm glad you are enjoying my work :)**

 **CaseyCuervo: You have to wait until chapter seven to find out, but the next two chapters give more clues along the way. I'm very thankful for how many readers have taken the time to show their support after the last author's note, but I'm being embarrassingly honest when I say I can't keep doing this (posting stories) if I feel like it's not worth the stress and insecurities that it puts me through :/**

 **Freakg0d3ss: Thank you, I am very happy to hear (read) that :) Good faith doesn't fight insecurities like mine, but I'll keep posting as long as the fun outweighs the stress.**

 **Chibichocopaws: I'm very happy to read that you are enjoying it. The subject matter definitely had me worried, after a reader of one of my other stories proved themselves to not be as openminded as I always assumed my readers to be (this is gay porn, basically, after all). I hope to get back to work on "Dirty Job" sometime this week :)**

 **Blueashlee1: I think the same goes for many people and I get that, it's just hard to keep going when it seems like only a handful of people are enjoying your efforts. I'll try to keep my chin up, I want to keep writing for this fandom. I hope you will enjoy this update :)**

 **Konpeitou: It means a lot to me that you are enjoying the story so far :) I hope you'll keep in mind what I said in the warnings at the start of the first chapter; that none of these characters are written to be representative of a entire demographic and that I mean no offense with the characterization that I have chosen.**

 **Tula Fate: Thank you much for your kind words, it means a lot to me :)**

 **Mikagirl: Thank you so much :)**

 **Violetyuy: It's going to get a little hotter in this chapter and it will only get worse/better from here on :P I'm happy to spice up your Sunday.**

 **Duaimei: I hope you will keep reading to find out; the official reveal is going to take a little longer, but you'll get more clues until then :) Thank you for your support, I hope we can keep this fandom alive a little longer.**

 **Hikaru Itsuko: Thank you for reading and for taking the time to review :)**

 **Raign: Thank you for your review and your understanding. Of course, I write the stories for myself, but I post them for you guys, when that starts to be more stressful than fun, I have to reconsider if it's worth it, but I hope the fandom can stay alive a little while longer; it has been such a huge part of my life, I wouldn't want to miss it so "soon". I hope you will enjoy this new chapter :)**

* * *

 **Author's note:**

 **I'm so overwhelmed by the response to the previous chapter and my author's note (which I didn't even expect anyone to read); it was incredibly uplifting. I am very grateful for the show of support, it truly means a lot to me. I wish I was the kind of person that didn't need feedback, but I guess I'm just not that confidant and if there is little or no feedback, I feel like quitting because at least I'd spare myself the stress that comes with posting something as personal as these stories. That's really needy and embarrassing, but I lack the security to post something and be okay with it without reassurance. That's another point of personal growth on my behalf to work on for 2017. But anyway, I can't overstate how thankful I am that more people are enjoying this story than I thought and the show of support in response to my author's note has definitely reinvigorated me.**

* * *

 **READ THE GENERAL WARNINGS FOR THIS STORY AT THE START OF THE FIRST CHAPTER.**

* * *

 **Beta: Shima Yi (thankyouthankyouthankyou)**

* * *

 **The Neon Spectrum**

 _Not limited to black and white._

 _Not dulled to shades of gray._

 _The spectrum is neon._

 **Chapter FIVE – Closer**

When Duo woke up, his mouth was dry and a vein running across his temple was throbbing – with each pulse, a wave of pain spread through his head. He opened his eyes to a dark room and stared at nothing for a minute, until he redirected his gaze to the alarm clock on his night stand. The red, glowing digits were distorted; he couldn't read them. He blinked, then blinked again. There was nothing wrong with his eyesight; a tall glass of water obstructed his view of the clock. Tentatively, he reached out a hand and brushed his knuckles against it. It was still cold and his knuckles were wet from the fresh condensation.

 _Heero._

He stretched his arm out to reach the light switch and squinted as the orange glow filled the room. On a little dish, right by the glass, were two aspirin.

 _Bless him._

With a groan, he sat upright to take the pills and down the entire glass of water. He looked down his body and wiggled his toes; he was no longer wearing his shoes, and he was covered by a blanket that wasn't his. He glanced at the clock again; it told him it was eleven AM. His fuzzy mind beckoned him to go back to sleep, to catch up and sleep off the hangover, but the faintest sound coming from the TV in the living room had Duo ignoring his exhaustion, and swinging his legs over the edge of the bed.

He opened his bedroom door and was blinded by the sunlight that bathed the living room. It took a second before he could focus on the back of Heero's head sticking out over the back of the couch. The channel that the TV was set to was playing a music video to some new, poppy song, but the volume was so low Duo doubted that Heero was really into the music.

"Good morning," he croaked.

Heero twisted his neck to look back at him. "Hey. Morning."

"Thanks for the water. And the shoes… And the blanket." He scratched the back of his neck.

"Sure."

Duo headed into the kitchen to get himself a bottle of water from the fridge, since hydration was key. He held up a second bottle in a wordless question, but it took a second for Heero to look his way and take notice.

"Oh, no thank you." After barely a pause, Heero requested: "Actually, do you mind getting me a glass of orange juice?"

Without a word, Duo got a glass from the cabinet and poured him the drink. He walked over to the couch and held the glass out to him. As Heero accepted it, their fingers brushed; in that moment, they both shot each other a look before averting their gazes.

The American walked to the other end of the couch where he sat down. The next music video started playing, an older, soft-rock song. "When did you get home?"

"Nine-ish."

"That's early."

"Logan was called-in to work. He said I could stay at his place but…-"

"We have a better TV?" Duo supplied jokingly.

"No, I…-" Heero didn't finish his sentence again, and he wasn't going to try.

 _Did he come home to take care of me?_ Duo screwed the cap open and downed half the bottle before coming up for air. He wasn't going to say anything and didn't expect Heero to either, with the way he was intently staring at the screen, even though commercials were playing now.

"Which bar did you guys go to?"

Duo shot his roommate a look, not knowing what to make of the inquiry. "Key Hole."

"That's a club, not a bar."

"Well, the song goes 'at the gay bar'," Duo deadpanned in response, trying to be funny.

"You should have gone to Milk Man, that's a _bar_. The crowd is usually friendly too."

"Friendly or _friendly_?" He asked with a smirk.

"Both. You're as likely to get a free beer as you are to get a blowjob in the restrooms." Heero spoke matter-of-factly.

"I don't think that's what I want," Duo said after giving it some thought. "I mean, I like a BJ as much as the next guy, but I don't-… I don't want that."

"What do you want, Duo?" Heero shot in return, suddenly fixing his gaze on him again. He was unreadable as only Heero could be.

"I don't know," he admitted, his headache acting up. "But I don't think I'm interested in that sort of stuff. I'm not into guys in general…" He paused and looked back at his roommate. "It'd take someone special. I guess it was naïve to think I could just go to a bar – sorry, a club – and expect to run into someone like that but…" Duo had no intention of finishing that sentence, trusting that there was no need.

"You're still not 'out of love' with me?" Heero asked, his tone impatient.

"Nope."

Heero pursed his lips and looked at the screen again.

"I'm trying," Duo clarified miserably. "At this point, I don't want this any more than you do… The bartender hit on me; I wish I was interested, but I wasn't. He was cute, I could _see_ that, but I wasn't drawn to him the way I am to you."

"What makes me special? Why am I the exception?" For the first time, Heero's voice wasn't sharp, like he was using words to slash at him; there was a vulnerability to his tone as he struggled to understand.

Duo shrugged. He didn't have an answer to that; he didn't have _any_ answers, not for Heero and not to the many questions he had been asking himself. He was at the point of realizing that he really didn't need any answers or explanations, or find a paragraph in a book somewhere that identified him and _what_ he was: his genus, his species. He was just Duo, in love with Heero. He couldn't explain that any better than he could explain why he fell in love with Ingrid, or why he fell in love with Hilde; all he could really say about it was that the three of them were amazing, interesting _people_ , who captivated him and made his heart do things in his chest – that were both painful and euphoric – whenever they looked at him.

Recognizing his question would go unanswered, Heero cast his gaze down to his hands that rested in his lap. "I'm sorry," he muttered eventually. "I just don't feel the same way."

Duo took a second to absorb the impact those words had on him – like a freight train hitting him head-on. The admission was not shocking, however. It was apparent his affection was unrequited and it had been from the start. He shook his head. "No, you don't need to apologize. You have Logan."

"But I didn't," Heero hurried to say. "I didn't when you first told me."

"Did you have feelings for me before Logan?"

"No." The word was spoken softly. "But maybe I should have given you a chance. I used to like you. Really _like_ you."

Duo snapped his head up to stare at him. Even though it didn't change anything about their current situation, his heart beat faster at hearing him say that. He noticed the blush on that golden face, and the way his roommate was wringing his hands together with embarrassment. It prompted a small smile to appear on Duo's lips.

"In the beginning, you know? When we first moved in together."

The American's eyebrows knitted together; that made no sense to him. "You barely talked to me the whole first year. You were avoiding me."

"I was avoiding you with good reason," Heero supplied, keeping his gaze fixed on his fingers playing with the ring on his left thumb. "I knew I shouldn't fall in love with my _roommate_."

"Another rule?" Duo intended the question as a joke, but his voice was a little strained and it sounded like a jab.

"When the roommate is _straight_ , yeah." Heero gestured vaguely, indicating confusion and amended: "Or thinks he's straight, or-… whatever."

"Right."

"I wasn't-…" He hesitated for a moment, but then started anew: "I wasn't entirely honest when I said I didn't want to be your friend because of a rule I have about straight guys, because I need a gay wingman to face the heat with. I mean, what I said was the truth, but it wasn't all of it."

Duo waited and didn't interrupt. Quatre had already given away that there was more to it, but he wanted to hear the whole story from Heero.

Heero chuckled bitterly at himself before continuing. "I've fallen in love with straight guys on occasion, and every time it just ended up completely fucked up, you know?" He finally looked up at Duo again and his eyes were begging for understanding.

All Duo could do was swallow and nod in response.

"I had been attracted to you before, so I knew I couldn't risk becoming friends with you – like I did with those other guys, thinking it would all be innocent and platonic – and end up in the same place where I've been before. I don't like that place."

"What place?"

Heero let out a sigh and looked at his hands again. "The place where I hate myself… because they're everything I want, and I'm not what _they_ want, not even when they try." His voice pitched; he pursed his lips to regain control over his emotions.

Duo locked his hands between his clenched thighs; it was all he could do to stop himself from reaching out for Heero when he realized the smaller man was close to tears.

"Lately though –" Heero stopped himself and brought up a hand to angrily wipe at his face as the first tear fell. "– I'm starting to think I'm never what _any_ of them want. I'm trying to be what Logan wants, but –…"

Duo's hand escaped the clutch of his thighs on instinct, and with a mind of its own, it placed itself on Heero's shoulder in an attempt to offer comfort.

The Japanese man let out a sad chuckle at the gesture, and wiped some more at his eyes. "I'm probably not what you'd want either, but maybe I should have given you a chance."

Duo tried desperately to understand where all of that was coming from all of a sudden, but he didn't. His confusion was evident.

"It seems like you like me for _me_ , and you don't want me to _be_ anything."

Heero's explanation hardly clarified anything for Duo, but he nodded along fervently anyway. He hoped he could at least offer him comfort and make him feel better, but the blue eyes that stared back at him were immensely sad; the sight of them was enough to make Duo's heart shatter audibly.

"But I'm probably not what you'd want either," Heero repeated, and then looked back at his hands and started twisting the gold ring around his thumb again, over and over.

"And what about Logan? What does he 'want you to be'?"

Heero's mouth tightened. "Logan wants me to be the same thing I want me to be. But the problem is I'm not and I can't change that."

The vague answer didn't leave Duo any less confused, but he was afraid of asking the wrong questions – feeling like this related to "the secret" – and he didn't want to put Heero off by making it seem like he was prying.

"I don't want to lose him, but neither of us can pretend any longer."

"Did you tell him? About –… The thing?" Duo didn't know how else to put it; honestly, if Heero would just tell him more details, he could be more helpful and give better advice. He felt like a shitty friend who didn't know what was what, but that was because Heero had engineered it that way.

"Sort of."

"He didn't take it well?"

"He pretends that it doesn't bother him, but it does and I can't pretend not to notice. He looks at me different now, and being with him doesn't make me feel good anymore, like it used to." Heero stopped himself and didn't continue.

"If he can't accept you for who you are, he's an asshole," Duo said in an attempt to come to his defense.

Heero looked at him sharply and narrowed his eyes at the insult. "Don't talk about him like that! None of this is his fault – he's not to blame!"

The American reeled back at the outburst. "I'm sorry…" He muttered, but then pointed out: "Don't get mad at me! I'm just trying to help, without even knowing what's going on."

"You're right," Heero grumbled. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you all of this." He moved to get up from the couch, but Duo reached out and grabbed his wrist; he pulled him back down into the seat, causing Heero to look offended.

With a soft tone, Duo explained himself. "I don't mean 'talk to me less because I don't understand anyway'; I mean: talk to me _more_ , help me understand so I can help _you_. You said that maybe you should have given me a chance before; give me _this_ chance now. Give me the chance to prove that I can be your friend – I'm a damn good friend, ask Quatre. I'm not a bad guy."

"And neither is Logan!" Heero pulled his arm free – Duo hadn't even realized he still had his fingers locked around Heero's wrist – and jumped up from the couch. "It's not about that! I don't want another person to look at me like I'm a freak! Least of all you!"

Duo blinked and shot up from the couch himself. "What do you mean 'least of all me'?" He demanded.

Heero let out a pathetic little squeak and paused before he managed to answer: "Because we live together!"

He shook his head. "That's not what you meant." His heart was racing. He took a step closer to Heero, acting on an instinct that he decided not to question, but maybe he should have because he was only pushed back.

"I like it, okay?" His roommate admitted, while his face was red with embarrassment. "I like the way you look at me. It makes me feel like I could still be good enough. I don't want to change that!"

"It won't change," Duo tried to reassure him and he reached out for him again, only to have his hands swatted away.

"I'm sorry, Duo. I shouldn't be telling you these things. I don't want to lead you on. I'm just being selfish."

"I know," he said with a nod. "And it still won't change."

Heero let out a bitter chuckle. "My secret is a lot worse than me being a selfish attention-whore."

"I know. And it still wouldn't change."

He took in a shaking breath. "You can't say that… You don't know…"

"You don't know for sure any more than I do, yet you believe you are right. One of us, however, is wrong. And I think it's you."

Tears were streaming down Heero's face and Duo's heart ached for him. He looked so lost and so small. Heero was short, sure, but he never looked small to Duo before – his personality was too big for that.

"Let me prove you wrong," he said again, as he had so many times before, hoping – at one point – Heero would let him. He offered him a little smile and then warned: "I'm going to hug you now. As a friend." Before waiting for either permission or rejection, he stepped forward and it seemed Heero was too frozen to react anyway. Duo wrapped his arms around his thin frame, feeling him vibrate with fear and anxiety. Heero kept his arms stiffly at his sides; it didn't appear like he was going to react to the embrace, until he slightly turned his head and nuzzled his nose against Duo's chest, tucking his wild head of hair under Duo's chin. The tall man let his hands caress the trembling back, feeling him slowly relax. A smile appeared on his lips; he was relieved to at least have been of some help.

"I'm sorry about this," Heero mumbled against him; his warm breath traveled through the material of Duo's shirt, and the heat of it spread through his entire chest. "You probably have a splitting headache from last night and I stood there yelling at you."

Duo let out a breathy chuckle. "I'm fine. I can handle it."

Then Heero moved, but not to escape the embrace. He brought his arms up to encircle Duo's body, and pressed himself tightly against his taller roommate – his taller _friend_.

* * *

X

* * *

The relationship between Heero and Logan ended a few days later. The Japanese man didn't tell Duo much; he just knocked on his bedroom door one night – a little after midnight – and asked to come in and then, in the same breath, if he could join him in the bed. Wordlessly, Duo pulled the sheets back to let him in; Heero toed off his shoes and laid in bed with him, his cheek resting on Duo's shoulder. He was afraid to move; he only to give Heero whatever closeness the other needed; he didn't want to push anything and make him uncomfortable. After a while, Heero grabbed his arm, hugged it to his chest, and shared whatever he was comfortable with sharing – not much. From what Duo was able to piece together, Heero was the one to have made the final decision; Logan didn't fight to change his mind. Duo didn't say anything – he just listened to whatever Heero was willing to tell him. He didn't want to make the same mistake of saying the wrong things in an attempt to reassure him.

Heero slept in his bed that night and in the morning Duo was late for work.

A few days later, while Heero was out with Quatre and Trowa – _probably doing something secretive, revolving "The Secret" and the resulting break-up with Logan,_ Duo imagined – the house phone rang and Duo knew exactly who it was. Duo answered the call with: "Logan."

"Is he doing okay?"

Duo's mouth tightened to stop himself from asking all the questions he shouldn't; Logan didn't have the right to answer them, yet he might and they would both be in the wrong if he did. "He'll be fine," he answered curtly.

"I'm not an asshole," Logan said.

"I know, Heero told me you're not."

Duo's answer caused a relieved sigh from the other end of the line. "We just weren't compatible."

"That happens." He chewed on the inside of his cheek in the silence that followed. "Why are you calling me?"

"I just wanted to make sure that he's alright, and that you're taking care of him."

"Hn."

"… Did he tell you?"

Knowing exactly what he meant with the nondescript question, Duo answered: "No."

"He's afraid…" Logan sighed again – deeper – definitely no longer relieved, "especially after my reaction."

"Hn." There was nothing else Duo could say without the conversation getting into details that he wasn't supposed to know.

"I could tell you, if you want. If you need," Logan offered. "If it'll help you make sure he's alright."

Duo fervently shook his head. "No!" He rushed to answer before Logan could say anything that he shouldn't. "No, don't. If you tell me, we'd both be assholes and that's not what Heero needs."

"Yeah, you're right. You're a good friend, Duo. I'm glad he has you."

"He only sees me as a roommate," The American let slip in a childish, petulant tone.

"That's not true," Logan responded; he sounded so damn sure that Duo's heart soared. "He likes to keep people at arm's length, but he has short arms so he can't stop people from reaching over," he said with a bittersweet chuckle. "You're closer to him than you think. You have a bigger impact than you think – than he _lets_ you think."

Duo absorbed the words and was put at ease by them. "Thanks, Logan."

"I still really love the part of him that I've always known – the part of him that I thought was all of him," Logan spoke morosely. "But there's more to him and I can't- Maybe I'm too gay, maybe I'm not gay enough! I-"

"Stop! You're saying too much."

"Sorry."

"You already said enough: you guys were incompatible. It happens. It doesn't make you an asshole."

"Thanks, Duo." He exhaled into the receiver. "Take care of him."

"I will."

The line was disconnected without either of them saying proper goodbyes. Duo never heard from Logan again, and neither did Heero.

* * *

X

* * *

Time passed and Heero returned to his routine of casual dating, and establishing a steady sex-only relationship with someone he met through a mutual friend. Duo dated a client for a while, who brought her dad's Mustang to the shop and idled around as she waited for Duo to do the regular check-up. She was cute and funny, and Duo realized that he shouldn't not give her chance because she's a woman. Just because he had come to the realization that he could be attracted to other men, didn't mean he should start dating men exclusively all of a sudden. However, his remaining affection for Heero eventually caused the young, budding relationship to wilt. When she pointed out to him on a date that he talked about his roommate "an awful lot", he recognized he was being unfair to her, and called it quits before he lost another sock.

He was closer to Heero than he had ever been. It didn't matter much to him that Heero's motivations were likely selfish; he only allowed the closeness because he liked how Duo looked at him – still as love-struck as ever, undeterred by anything that had transgressed – and he needed that at the moment. The fact that Heero apparently liked him ogling him gave Duo hope. And now that an appropriate length of time had passed since the relationship with Logan came to an end, Duo had ulterior motives behind the friendship as well.

If Heero wanted their relationship to remain purely platonic, that would be fine, but first Duo was going to make it damn hard for him. Little things, like making it a habit to walk around shirtless once the warmer months arrived; draping his arm across the back of the couch while they were watching that silly cartoon that had been the staple of their friendship – he pretended not to notice that the entire length of his arm rested against Heero's shoulders; closely pushing past him in the narrow hallway, cramped bathroom or tiny kitchen – in combination with the first strategy of being shirtless a lot; and, last but not least, shamelessly staring at him the way Heero had admitted he liked.

It was mostly innocent and could be brushed off as incidental if Heero ever accused him of trying anything, but his roommate never made objections. Eventually, Duo got a taste of what Heero must've felt like to be ogled once Heero started to _look_ right back at him. He let his gaze dip down for a brief glance at Duo's broad chest and defined abs; or follow the length of his thick arm when Duo reached around him in the kitchen to grab coffee, a bottle of water, a cracker, or anything else that he didn't really need – it just happened to be in the cabinet Heero was standing in front of.

Heero never made any objections, and Duo suspected that he enjoyed the attention.

It was thrilling, even though the reaction to all of his teasing was minimal. The temptation was a two-way street – although, the closeness might have been more torturous for Duo than it was for the intended victim. Duo got to soak up Heero's body heat whenever he sat close to him on the couch; got to feel his smooth skin when he let his hand brush by Heero's arm; got to appreciate all the beautiful shades of blue as he stared into Heero's eyes over dinner; and got to smell that scent of vanilla and orange blossom, and something even more delicious that wasn't even an ingredient in one of Heero's skin- and haircare products, when he cramped himself into the bathroom alongside him.

Quatre was as bemused as he was concerned. He found Duo's attempts to prompt Heero into falling in love with him endearing and humorous; but at the same time, he recognized that – as long as it wasn't working – it wouldn't do him any good. Duo was only setting himself up for a potentially worse heartbreak; Hilde also advised caution.

But they didn't see the look in Heero's eyes when his gaze first trailed down to Duo's tattoo right by the V-line, above the hem of his low-riding jeans – a tattoo he got when he was eighteen, before he even had those V-lines by his hips. Duo caught him staring, but didn't call him out on it and let him watch as long as he pleased; he stood in the kitchen – half naked – for a prolonged period of time, pretending to struggle with opening a plastic container of frozen fruits for his smoothie.

Heero's face went red when his own mind finally alerted him to the fact that he had been staring; he covered it up cleverly by remarking: "I've seen it before, yet still, I cannot – for the life of me – figure out what that little tattoo is supposed to be."

Duo smirked at him before looking down at himself. Truthfully, the tattoo was poorly done, faded, and had become distorted by the new shape of his body; he wasn't this fit when the image was inked into his skin. "It's a wing."

"Like a pigeon's wing?"

"Like an angel's wing, you dick."

Heero snorted and the blush on his cheeks started to fade as he gained control of himself. He continued making his morning coffee. "Why?"

"Because I was young and stupid, and I thought it would make me look hot."

"It doesn't."

"No," Duo smirked again. "That's what these are for, now." He lowered his hands, and let his index fingers dip into both prominent lines and trail up to his sides.

The blush returned in full force to Heero's golden face, but he tried to shrug it off. "Eh, they're alright."

"Yeah? What about these?" Duo raised his arms and flexed his biceps, making sure to tighten his abs as well. "Do these do the trick?"

Heero didn't allow himself to stare for too long; he turned around and poured the coffee into his awaiting mug. "You're obscene."

"What? Don't tell me… Don't the gay boys like these as much as the straight girls?" Duo asked teasingly.

"To each their own…"

Duo chuckled and dropped his arms back down to his sides. He knew very well Heero had a preference for big, well-built guys, always dating – or just fucking – someone taller and broader than him.

"Wha- uh...what do you like?" Heero inquired innocently, knowing full-well that Duo could see straight through the indifference to his physique. He was still facing away from him, stirring milk and sugar into his coffee, perhaps afraid to be caught staring again.

"I don't really have a type," Duo answered; it was the truth. That was the one major thing he figured out about himself in the past few months: he liked everything, but he liked Heero most of all.

Heero was slender, bordering on thin, and skinnier than he was when they first moved in together; as far as Duo was able to glean – having never seen his roommate in a state of undress – Heero had a tight body. Even though he didn't look like he worked out much, aside from his cardio-routine and daily squats, his unusual sense of fashion – the cropped shirts, the skinny jeans and the oversized sweaters that would hang off one shoulder – showed off a taut stomach and jutting hipbones, long legs, a shapely behind, wiry arms and sharply defined collar bones.

"I like _you_ ," he finally added boldly. Heero's shoulders tensed. "I can say that, right?"

"I guess."

Duo smiled at Heero's light, joking tone; he was relieved that his boldness hadn't gotten him in trouble. In silence, he prepared his smoothie, while Heero stood there at the counter, keeping his back towards him, lost in his own thoughts.

 _Thinking about me, I hope_. Duo grinned, quite pleased with himself. He stayed in the kitchen with Heero for as long as he could, enjoying his presence, even though they weren't talking or even facing each other.

When it was time to head to work, he rinsed out the blender and set it aside to clean later tonight, then hurried to throw on his work shirt. By the time he was ready to go, Heero still stood rooted in his spot, wearing nothing but briefs and the shirt he slept in, his hair ever the mess. "Aren't you gonna be late for work?"

The question snapped his roommate out of his trance. He blinked and put away the cup of coffee that was still full. "Shit, right." He glanced at the clock on the microwave as he passed it and quickened his steps towards his bedroom.

Duo laughed – he enjoyed seeing the results of his hard work. He'd been teasing Heero for weeks, and it was finally paying off. "I'll see you later! Count me out for dinner; I'm gonna stay at the shop and work on my bike!" He called.

"Sure, yeah!" Heero sounded out of breath and then cursed when he knocked something over in his rush.

"Don't hurt yourself!" Duo laughed and then left the apartment.

When he arrived at the shop, he was greeted by Jamie who was reading up on some paperwork at the front desk. Duo blatantly ignored the homophobic bully – he had been ever since learning how his colleague treated Heero at the surprise birthday party – and headed straight for his workspace at the back of the building.

The stripped Citroën DS 19 that had been his main task for the past two weeks was waiting for him. His bike was in the corner, covered by the protective tarp. Expectantly, he checked the workbench; a package was supposed to have been delivered to the shop yesterday, his day off: new stator-, clutch- and crank-covers, custom made according to his specifications. He had been looking forward to working late and installing them, but there was no box waiting for him.

A coworker walked by and Duo called out to him: "Hey, Matt – you didn't happen to see a big box with my name on it somewhere? Was supposed to be delivered yesterday."

Matt shrugged and only said: "Ask Jamie; he was here yesterday."

 _Well, fuck._ Grumbling, Duo headed back to the front desk where Jamie was still idling – probably waiting for the attractive receptionist that made a habit of being late, but would never be fired because she was "thick where it counted", or so he heard as others objectified her.

"Jamie!" he barked. "I was expecting a package yesterday. Matt said you were here?"

Jamie shrugged. "Only the standard shipment was delivered with parts for the shop." Jamie used to be friendly to Duo, but nowadays he was curt and less than helpful, knowing the long-haired man was giving him the cold shoulder for what he said to Heero at the birthday celebration. He threw his thumb over his shoulder and said: "I stacked everything in the back; you're free to check, but not on the boss' time."

The American narrowed his eyes at the jab. "And you're not supposed to be checking out the receptionist on the boss' time."

Jamie turned his head to show him a lopsided smirk. "Everyone else does it – everyone but _you_."

"Whatever." Before the conversation went any further South, Duo walked away. He worked diligently on the rare Citroën, knowing he had a deadline to meet, and then spent his entire lunch hour searching through the storage space in the back, checking the label on every box to make sure his custom parts hadn't been mistakenly added to the shop's regular stock. When the lunch hour ended, he went back to work, his stomach rumbling in protest at being ignored.

During his coffee-break later in the afternoon, Duo hastily ate the sandwiches he had packed for lunch, while holding his cellphone to his ear as he waited for customer service to help locate his undelivered package. As it turned out, the deliveryman stopped by after business hours, and the package had been diverted to the post office; Duo could pick it up there whenever it was convenient. He'd have to ask Quatre if he could borrow his car some time to go pick it up; the box was too big to go fetch on his motorcycle.

Relieved that his expensive parts hadn't been lost, Duo felt better getting back to work, and found it easier to focus on his job than earlier that day. However, he was disappointed that he wouldn't get to fit his "baby" with the new covers and take her out for a spin. The upside was getting to head home early and have dinner with Heero, his other "baby", if you will – _ha, if only!_ – after all. He was eager to continue putting the screws on him, now that it was apparent that Heero was starting to crack under the pressure.

At the end of the workday, he said his goodbye to Matt, the owner, and the girl at the reception, ignoring Jamie who was lingering around her. He walked briskly, hoping Heero hadn't started on dinner for himself yet since it was still early. He hoped they could make it a pizza-night – that would give him more time to put the moves on him.

Duo opened the front door to the apartment and was about to announce his presence, when he noticed a jacket sprawled on the living room floor. He wasn't sure if it was Heero's jacket or not; he had never seen it before, but Heero had so many clothes, he could never be sure. There was a shoe lying at the mouth of the hallway too – that was definitely Heero's: one of his favorite, black booties.

Duo opened his mouth to speak – to send a confused "Hello?" into the silent space – when a drawn out, gravelly moan hit his ears and then hit him in other parts of his body too. His mouth remained open, his jaw slack. His fingers tightened on the doorknob. He wished he could stop his heart from beating so furiously because it seemed like it would drown out all other sounds, but then he heard it again, loud and clear.

"Ahhh! … Yesss…" The word was hissed.

The American cast his gaze down at the jacket. Was it Heero's? Was it someone else's? Did he get Heero so worked-up that morning, that he brought some random guy home after work for relief? Duo's throat constricted at the thought of someone else getting the opportunity to alleviate Heero's tension – tension that _he_ caused.

About to lose himself in the throes of self-loathing, he took a step back. He had every intention of shutting the door and running out of the building, but then he heard another strangled moan. A name. His name.

" _Duo_ …"

Duo's entire body went rigid and he looked around skittishly. _Does he know I'm here?_ He was about to panic, thinking he had been caught, but then the moans continued and he realized what was going on.

"Ohh, Duo, fuck-! Fuck me…" Followed by a high pitched, delighted squeak. "Ah- Ah! You feel so good!" Heero's voice was strained with pleasure.

 _Holy shit, he is masturbating to the thought of me,_ Duo's mind supplied before shutting down; he just stood there in the doorway, nailed to the threshold.

The moans continued to pour into the living room for him to hear; it was apparent Heero's bedroom door was wide open. He heard Heero masturbate and have sex before, but the sounds were always muffled and barely audible – the apartment had good, tick walls and doors. He could hear him crisply now, almost like he was on the couch right in front of him – displayed for him to see – not in his bedroom around the corner, out of sight.

Duo had no problem letting his imagination run wild. He envisioned Heero on his back, spread out on top of the sheets, tossing his head, further messing up his hair; and arching his back into his own touches. His skinny jeans and underwear still caught around one ankle; his shirt pushed up to his collarbone. He had never seen Heero naked – he hadn't seen many men naked, in fact, let alone aroused – but it wasn't his first time fantasizing about his roommate. He imagined him stroking his erection with one hand while the other was pushed further between his legs, touching himself even more intimately.

His curiosity – the not knowing but _yearning_ to find out – added to Duo's own arousal. He wondered what it would be like to drink those deep moans straight from Heero's mouth. He wondered what it would be like to kiss the flat chest and suck on the small nipples. He wondered what it would be like to hold another man's needy erection, feeling the new weight and the new shape.

"Ah! Ah!" Heero's moans became more high pitched and urgent, and soon he reached his orgasm, moaning Duo's name in the most sensual way he had ever heard.

 _He wants me._ The thought struck Duo like lightning. He took a step further into the apartment, only to stop himself. _Not now, not like this_ , he told himself. He didn't want to risk embarrassing Heero, or upsetting him at having his privacy invaded. He was supposed to have the apartment for himself that evening; Duo told him he'd be working until late at the shop. It would be wrong to abuse the situation. _If Heero wants me, he has to be honest about it_ _–_ _I want him to admit it. I don't want it to be a secret – another goddamned secret – that I just happened to find out about._

Duo steeled his resolved and backed out of the apartment, closing the door behind him as softly as he could, and trotted down the hallway and down the stairs. He idled in the lobby by the mailboxes, waiting for the problem in his pants to take the hint and solve itself, before he headed out and decided to kill time doing some groceries – and shamelessly stocking up on condoms and lube in anticipation.

He came home again twenty-five minutes later and hoped he could keep his cool, even though his face went red the moment he laid eyes on Heero. The jacket and the shoes had been cleared away, and his roommate stood in the kitchen at the stove, preparing a stir-fry of vegetables and chicken for himself. He was wearing sweatpants and a black t-shirt, and his hair was dark and damp from a quick shower he must have taken.

"Hey, you're home early," Heero noted before Duo could speak, never taking his eyes off the meal he was preparing.

Duo grinned sheepishly. _Earlier than you think_. "Yeah. My order didn't get delivered, so I couldn't work on my baby like I planned. So, I uh-" He held up the bag of groceries rather than finish his sentence. "I got us microwave mac-and-cheese, but I guess you're set." He walked into the kitchen, put the bag on the counter and started unpacking.

"Yeah. Sorry, if I had known you'd be home earlier, I would've made more – save you from that awful mac-and-cheese…"

"Hey! I happen to love this shit. The cheese on these is so good," Duo said with a gratuitous moan as he retrieved the packaged meals from the plastic bag.

Heero scrunched up his face. "That cheese is one molecule removed from being plastic."

"And I happen to like it," he argued. "So, uh, did you just get home, or-…?" He inconspicuously set aside the plastic bag that contained the two boxes of condoms and bottle of lube, placing it on the floor by the mouth of the hallway to take into his room later.

"No, half an hour ago." After answering, he bothered to actually check his watch and amended: "A little over."

"Took a nice, long shower?"

"Hmhm."

Duo came to stand beside him, leaning the small of his back against the counter. He crossed his arms in front of his chest and watched Heero's long fingers handle the spatula, twisting and turning it as he stirred sauce through his vegetables. _Those fingers would look good wrapped around a dick_ , his dirty mind supplied, his own or Heero's; either was fine.

"So, you must be pretty pissed about that delivery not coming in."

It took Duo a moment to gather his thoughts – get them out of the gutter. "Yeah. She's so close to being done; I was looking forward to it."

Heero scoffed. "Close to being done? You've been saying that for as long as I know you. You always keep replacing parts."

"Well, that's because they keep upgrading and I want my baby to have the best of the best. We all have our vices." He leaned forward and nudged Heero with his shoulder. "Miss Shopaholic."

His roommate blinked at him, the steady, circular movement of the spatula coming to a halt. It seemed like he was trying to determine if Duo was insulting him or just teasing. Recognizing the comment as the latter, his mouth formed a little smirk and he mock-gasped. "Oh, my God, _drag me_."

Duo laughed at the slang term. "I'm just kidding," he felt the need to say. "I love that you're so into fashion."

"Speaking of clothes," Heero eyed his dirty work-shirt pointedly. "Go change into something clean and I'll pop your disgusting mac-and-cheese into the microwave."

Duo's eyes lit up at Heero making sure they'd have dinner together, even though they wouldn't be eating the same meal. He pushed off the counter with a "yes, ma'am" and headed into his bedroom, remembering to pick up the bag along the way. He changed into sweatpants and a T-shirt, much like Heero, and took a moment to re-braid his hair since it had become a mess after a long day at work. He would have to shower and wash his hair after dinner – he was already dreading it.

He returned to the kitchen right as the microwave beeped, and Heero was just plating up his meal. Duo ate his mac-and-cheese right out of the plastic container – "like an animal", his roommate would always scold him – so he grabbed it with the tips of his fingers, taking care not to burn himself and shuttled it over to the dinner table.

"Wanna pop open a bottle of wine?" He inquired, already scouring their modest wine-rack tucked away in the corner of the counter.

"It's a school-night," Heero shot back, but he made no other objections.

Duo picked out one of the nicer bottles and then seated himself next to Heero, bringing along two wine glasses.

"Are we celebrating something?" Heero asked as he eyed the fancier label while Duo poured him a drink.

"Isn't there always a reason to celebrate?" Duo smiled secretively to himself.

"Su~re, Mister Hallmark," Heero drawled, but cocked one eyebrow, demanding to have a more satisfying answer to his question.

"I just got really stressed-out this morning when it seemed like my package had gotten lost in the mail. I've been craving wine all day. At this point, only the good stuff will do."

Heero accepted that explanation and raised his glass for a toast, clinking it against Duo's, before taking the first sip and digging into his dinner.

As Duo sat next to his roommate, he made sure their chairs were close enough together so he could surreptitiously bump his right elbow against Heero whenever he moved his fork through his mac-and-cheese. And, when he leaned over to top off Heero's glass of wine again, he made sure their shoulders touched. It delighted him that Heero didn't shy away from the touches. The Japanese man didn't even seem to register how close they had gotten, but rather than irk him, it warmed Duo's heart; Heero was so comfortable with their closeness that it no longer surprised him – it was just part of their "friendship'. Duo felt victorious; there was definitely cause for celebratory wine – everything was working out the way he had hoped. Heero allowed him into his life, into his personal space, and – if the erotic scene he \ overheard earlier was any indication – he was ready to welcome him in his bed soon as well. The wine only added to his warm and fuzzy feelings, and fueled the stupid grin he sported.

Too bad he had to wash his damn hair, or it would have been a perfect evening.

* * *

X

* * *

It was the next Saturday and Duo had been looking forward to pizza-night ever since walking in on Heero on Tuesday; he was disappointed by the news that his roommate planned to spend the day with his girlfriends, and go out to dinner with them. He had been anticipating sharing the couch with the smaller man, now that he knew he could be bolder in his approach. Instead, he ordered a single pizza for himself and popped open another bottle of wine. He was skipping through channels – bypassing the raunchy cartoon they normally watched together – and taking a bite from his first slice – spilling stringy cheese into his lap – when the front door opened and Heero appeared unannounced.

"Hey!" Duo greeted with a mouthful and nearly spat out the hot bite of pizza – too hot. He fanned his hand in front of his face and quickly swallowed the chunk of pizza because he couldn't stand the heat on his tongue any longer.

Heero shook his head at him and grinned, bemused by his awkwardness. He closed the door with a pop of his hip, then placed the single shopping bag he brought in on the floor. His hands free, he undid the clasps of his chunky, military-styled boots and kicked them off.

"Did you have a nice time with the girls? I thought you were going out for dinner as well?" Duo further cooled his mouth with a big drink from his wine glass – probably not the best idea.

"Yeah, it was fun, but I decided to skip on dinner. I love hanging out with them, but some days it's just too much."

"I can imagine." Duo never formally met any of Heero's friends, but he had been around Hilde and a group of her girlfriends; the thought alone of spending a day surrounded by their incessant chattering was exhausting. "Want pizza?"

Heero quirked an eyebrow. "I know you, Duo; half a pizza is not enough for you, and – honestly – it's not enough for me either right now. Two words for you: _Hun. Gry_." He patted his stomach to emphasize his point.

"We'll order another and we can share this one until the second gets here."

"Oh." Heero didn't need long to consider the offer. "Okay." He started for the couch.

"Wait, grab an extra glass of wine."

He nodded, spun around and went into the kitchen to do as advised.

On his way back, Duo asked: "What did you buy?" He nodded at the bag, abandoned on the floor.

Heero smirked; he put the glass down on the coffee table and gestured for the American to pour him a drink before he went to fetch it. Walking over to the couch, he said with a teasing tone: "You'd be proud. Or at least, I hope it bears your approval."

"Oh?" Duo had an inkling, but his curiosity was piqued either way. Heero to dramatically reveal his purchase, slowly producing it from the bag and holding it up to his frame; he artfully cocked his hips and shoulders in a pose. It was a classic red and black plaid shirt with subtle white striping. "Aww, baby's first lumberjack shirt!" Duo cooed in a jesting manner. "It's nice!" Heero probably paid way too much for the shirt, considering the brand name that was on the side of the bag; most of Duo's plaid shirts were from Old Navy.

Heero smile was beaming at the banter. "So I did good?"

He nodded. "I bet it looks great on you."

"It does," Heero agreed with a wink. He folded the shirt against his body, and set it on armrest of the couch. As he claimed his seat next to Duo, he picked up a slice of pizza.

As Duo went for his second slice, he inquired: "So, what made you come over to the dark side of Lumberjack-fashion?"

Heero shrugged. "Just felt like it. I was in the mood for something masc."

"Mask?"

" _Masc._ Masculine," he clarified offhandedly.

Masculine wasn't really a word Duo would ever use to describe Heero, let alone his fashion sense, although sometimes he did just pair his trademark skinny jeans with a simple shirt or hoodie; but on those days, it always felt like Heero wasn't himself. Duo was much more used to seeing him in form-fitted tops, stylish button-ups of silk or with a floral pattern; or bright cashmere sweaters, like that _magenta_ one. Then again, Heero did always look very comfortable and at ease on those days; he liked a lot of different things when it came to clothes, which – in part – explained why he had so many.

Duo waited for Heero to finish placing the order at their usual pizza delivery place before he offered: "You could have just borrowed one of mine." The thought of Heero wearing his clothes was arousing, mostly because he fantasized about taking the article of clothing back from him – slipping it right off his shoulders – and hanging it back in his closet, letting it smell like that scent of vanilla, orange blossom and _him_.

"Maybe, if I like this one, I can try some of yours in different colors?"

Duo smiled at having his offer accepted so casually. "Yeah, sure. Any time."

"Cool." Heero reached over and grabbed a second slice.

"Anything I could try on from your closet? Make it like a foreign exchange program?" Duo flashed him a grin.

Heero's lips tightened, and he stopped chewing on the mouthful of pizza, clenching his jaw shut instead.

Realizing he said something wrong, Duo quickly backtracked. "Never mind!" He tried laughing it off. "Probably not my style. Wouldn't fit me anyway."

A smile appeared on Heero's lips, but Duo couldn't be sure if it was genuine or rehearsed. "It's just that my clothes are pretty expensive, and you're not really mindful of whatever you're wearing." He pointedly looked down at the greasy stain in the front of Duo's grey sweatpants, thanks to the glob of molten cheese that fell on his lap earlier.

Duo scratched the back of his neck sheepishly. "Point taken. I get it." He did, but he had a feeling there was more to it. He had never been allowed access into Heero's room; it just seemed like he wasn't ready to change that to let him look in his overflowing closet.

He dropped the subject since he had a much more important objective in mind. Heero might be unwilling to let him enter his bedroom to look at his closet, but if he played his cards right, Duo hoped he would soon be allowed entry into his bedroom for other reasons. When the pizza delivery guy arrived, he used the opportunity to get up and answer the door, then – rather than return to the same spot – he seated himself closer to Heero, lining his right leg up with Heero's left, and balancing the warm pizza box on their knees, supposedly for easy sharing.

"You did _not_ ask them to put pineapple on it," Duo said, dead-serious, when he spotted the pieces of fruit on top of the pizza.

"Sorry! I told them to only put pineapple on one half," the Japanese man explained, but a mistake had been made as pineapple littered the entire meal.

Duo got a slice from the box and made a face as he picked off the pieces of warm fruit. He couldn't really be pissed about it, not when Heero's rumbling laughter filled his ears and his heart. "Think that's funny, huh? Fucking fruit on a pizza."

"Tomato is a fruit."

The bigger man eyed him sideways. "Tomato is a vegetable."

Heero tilted his head and looked at him with an 'are you serious?' expression. "It's a fruit," he insisted.

"Really?"

Heero let out a short, incredulous laugh. "…Yeah."

"Wow…" Duo shook his head and blinked up ahead. "Am I… _stupid_?"

Heero's rumbling laughter filled Duo's ears and his heart, making him mostly forget about his embarrassment. "Possibly."

"Are you absolutely certain it's a fruit?"

"Honey," Heero said colloquially, a cheeky tone to his voice. He pointed at himself and continued: "Tomato is as much a fruit as I am."

Duo didn't doubt him, but for whatever reason, he always thought of tomatoes as vegetables; maybe because they were used in savory dishes as opposed to sweet fruits. A short Google search on his phone and more self-deprecating comments later, he continued eating the pizza, picking off the pineapple as he went.

When they finished the second pizza, Duo put away the box and equally divided the remaining contents of the wine bottle between their two glasses. He sat back down and handed Heero his glass, letting their fingers meet on the stem during the exchange. Then he draped his arm over the back of the couch again, as he had done before. His bicep rested against Heero's left shoulder and his wrist touched the right shoulder. The black sweater the younger man was wearing was fuzzy – soft but also ticklish. Their legs were still lined up, touching from hip to knee.

"We're so fucking old," Heero commented after a while, biting back a chuckle.

"Huh?"

"Sitting on the couch, watching TV on a Saturday night. A fucking gameshow of all things." He gestured at the television.

Duo raised his eyebrows. "Did you want to go out?" He wasn't opposed to the idea – it might have been exciting – but he preferred to be alone with him.

Heero thought for a moment. "Nah." He tilted his head back to drink the last drop of wine from his glass.

"Want more?"

"Yes, please," he said sweetly.

Duo didn't want to get up, but he aimed to please. With a groan, he straightened up and then playfully jostled Heero's foot when the younger one teased " _you_ are old". He walked into the kitchen and fetched another bottle of wine at random. He filled both their glasses with an obscene amount – they both had to take care not to spill the red liquid over the rim – then positioned himself on the couch exactly as he had before. The second bottle of wine didn't last long, and the gameshow made way for a talent show, whose embarrassing contestants had them giggling. Duo had shifted his arm so the full weight of it rested around Heero's neck, and Heero pretty much used Duo's leg as an arm rest, laying his wrist on it and putting his wine glass on his knee, holding it lightly by the foot to keep it balanced.

As Heero chuckled whenever a contestant made a fool of himself in front of the unforgiving judges, his body shook against Duo's. Duo found himself unable to resist the temptation to tighten his hold on Heero's shoulders, eventually hooking his arm around his neck, letting his hand dangle to where his fingertips grazed the soft fuzz of the sweater over his chest. His roommate was securely tucked under his armpit, and made no objections.

The talent show came to an end and, tired from his long day with his friends and the alcohol, Heero leaned his head against Duo and closed his eyes. Duo's heart swelled and the tips of his fingers became more purposeful; he lightly rubbed them up and down on Heero's chest, only about an inch above his nipple. A pleasant sigh escaped the younger man, and his head became heavier on Duo's shoulder as he fully relaxed and surrendered to the touch. Duo turned his head, nuzzling his nose into the wild hair, and then placed the most tentative kiss on his temple. His heart was beating a mile a minute; if Heero didn't hear it, then he must have at least felt it, because Duo was certain his entire ribcage rattled with the force of it.

He exhaled a hot breath into Heero's ear. "I wanna see you in that plaid shirt," he whispered. " _Only_ in that plaid shirt…" He watched as Heero pulled his bottom lip into his mouth with his front teeth, biting on it absentmindedly, before letting the plump lip fall back into place – wet and glistening – leaving his mouth slightly open to suck in a shuddering breath.

Then, suddenly, his blue eyes flew open and he straightened up in his seat, letting cold air rush the side of Duo's body that he had kept warm. He kept his face turned away as he muttered to no one in particular: "Too much…" He stood up, put down his wine, and smoothed a hand over his clothes.

"Wait… No…" Duo whined and he reached out, grabbing Heero's hand.

Heero looked at him over his shoulder, then down at their joint hands. He chuckled nervously. "We're not doing this, Duo," he warned; his voice was strained but not angry, giving Duo hope that he was denying them _both_ what they wanted, and the disappointment wasn't just one-sided.

The American let his hand drop down into his lap and used it to adjust himself in his sweat – his erection was positioned uncomfortably in his underwear. The intimate moment on the couch had been unbelievably arousing, and controlling his libido wasn't made easier by the fact that he hadn't invited anyone to help him tend to his sexual needs in a while – "saving himself" for that anticipated moment with Heero. "Why not? We both want this," he asserted, feeling confident.

Heero didn't deny that he, indeed, wanted it as well. He grabbed the new shirt off the armrest and stuffed it back in the bag. "I'm not going to ruin another good thing in my life, Duo. We've been over this: I like what we have; I don't want to wreck it, like how I wrecked what I had going with Logan. He was my fuckbuddy and that _worked_. I shouldn't have tried to make it more than it was. You are my roommate and-…." He let out an exasperated sigh, "and my friend, I guess. It's not meant to be more." He finally looked at Duo again and his gaze was quick to notice the erection tenting the front of the sweatpants. He stared for as long as two heartbeats before forcing himself to look away, but not without biting on that delicious-looking lip again.

"It's not fair," Duo groused.

The other chuckled at his childlike demeanor in the face of another rejection. "I'm sorry."

"What am I supposed to do with this?" Duo pointed at the problem standing at attention in his lap.

"Jerk off." Heero shrugged. "I know I'm going to." Without any further ado, he spun on his heels and sauntered into his bedroom, closing the door behind him with a definitive click.

 _Holy shit._ Rather than seeking the privacy of his own bedroom, Duo slipped his hand under the waistband of his sweats, and worked his hand into his briefs to envelop himself. There was an urgency that could not be denied.

He was loud, he didn't hold back. He knew Heero would be able to hear him, if only faintly across the distance of the hallway and through the closed door. But knowing that he _would_ hear him, and knowing that he was also masturbating, eliminated the need of having to exaggerate his moans – they spontaneously poured from his lips in a loud volume. When he was quiet long enough, he caught the sound of a high-pitched, needy cry coming from his roommate's bedroom; it was the last thing he needed to tumble over the edge and come in his pants, his hand furiously pumping up and down to milk himself.

"Ohhh, fuck…" He let his head fall back on the back of the couch and stupidly grinned up at the ceiling. "Baby steps, Maxwell. Baby steps."

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think "the secret" is.**

 **For those in the USA: enjoy the SuperBowl!**

* * *

 ** _Chapter SIX – Selfish_ will post on 02/12/17**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hikaru Itsuko: Thanks for reading and reviewing :) Just a little while longer and then you'll know his secret.**

 **Ckhushrenada: Thank you so much! :)**

 **Duaimei: Haha, it was actually in reference to the fact that Heero is so much shorter than Duo and Logan, so his arms aren't disproprionally short, they're just a lot shorter than Duo's and Logan's long arms (because they are tall). Please don't ever make me think of Heero with tiny little T-rex arms again :'D**

 **Luxolis: Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot to me that this story has opened your mind a bit and I think it's great that you don't shy away from expanding your horizon. I hope you will continue to read this story, although I'll understand if it goes to far for you, but perhaps in a few years your "comfort zone" will no longer know limits :)**

 **Batman: Haha, thanks for the encouragement. "Grounded" has halted to a stop at this point, but I still have time to get the momentum going again.**

 **Chibichocopaws: Things are definitely happening from now on :) I don't think ignorance is necessarily bad, as long as it is accompanied by openmindedness and willingness to learn. The only ignorance that deserves to be hated is the kind that people cling to in favor of knowing better, regardless of how much their ignorance hurts others.**

 **Snowdragonct: I hope you will continue to read to find out :)**

 **Zippersbefun: Sorry, weekly updates is the best I can do, I need to give both myself and my beta time to proofread each chapter before they post. I'm glad you are enjoying the story, I wonder what you'll think of the reveal of the secret (but it's not happening quite yet). Thank you for your review :)**

 **Em: Thanks! I'm a diehard 2x1 girl myself (obviously)**

 **TanithNight: I don't want to spoil anything, but I think the warnings at the start of the first chapter say quite a lot ;P I hope you will enjoy this chapter.**

 **Konpeitou: I hope you will continue to enjoy the story :)**

 **Mikagirl: There is a lot more steaminess in this chapter!**

 **Blueashlee1: Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts with me :) I hope you will continue to read to find out what the secret is.**

* * *

 **Author's note:**

 **Happy Neon Sunday! :P**

* * *

 **READ THE GENERAL WARNINGS AT THE START OF THE FIRST CHAPTER!**

* * *

 **Beta: Shima Yi**

* * *

 **The Neon Spectrum**

 _Not limited to black and white._

 _Not dulled to shades of gray._

 _The spectrum is neon._

 **Chapter SIX – Selfish**

The teasing continued and it wasn't just one-sided anymore, in spite of how adamant Heero made himself seem to be. Duo first realized this when he watched Heero slowly eat a banana for breakfast, standing in the kitchen in the new plaid shirt, unbuttoned, showing a vertical line of skin from his long neck down to the hem of his jeans. Whether he had any intention of ever following through, or simply enjoyed playing the game that Duo had introduced, the American couldn't yet decipher. Duo enjoyed playing the game with him, trying constantly to think of ways to up the ante and he was having fun, but his patience was wearing thin. The curiosity of what it would be like to lick his Adam's apple, and grind their erections together, was killing him.

He raised the ante further when he invited Heero to skip pizza night, and go to the gay club that he had been to with Quatre and Trowa before. Heero agreed reluctantly, but only under the guise of trying to help him find a guy to unleash his new sexual desires on.

Duo never spent as much time mulling in front of his closet as he did in preparation for that night, to the point of actually taking a seat on the carpeted floor, crossing his legs underneath him. He didn't even have that many clothes to choose from, but the pressure made it quite the task. He wondered how Heero managed to get dressed, with a veritable clothing's store available to him. He decided on a pair of black, ripped jeans that he hadn't worn in six years – and maybe shouldn't have ever worn again, considering he was a lot more muscular than he was at twenty-four, and the fit was obscenely tight. He tucked his manhood up and to the left; the outline was clearly visible as he went to appraise himself in the mirror. But with a flush to his cheeks and chest, he remembered the hungry look Heero cast down into his lap when they came pretty close to crossing the barrier of "friendship" on the couch that one night, three weeks earlier. He wanted Heero to look at him like that again, and this time, not be able to control his lust.

Faithful to the "throwback" look he was creating with the ripped jeans from his punk-rock era, he slipped into an old T-shirt with the faded logo of a band that was popular enough to be recognized, but not mainstream – that made him feel very cool at the time. Honestly, it was just a nicely thin shirt with an awesome graphic design. The sleeves were short to show off his arms, and the front hem was short enough to put himself on display if he raised his arms above his head in dance.

As pleased with himself as he was ever going to be, he stepped into his regular, black boots – one of only three pairs of shoes he owned – and headed into the living room where Heero made him wait for another twenty minutes. He paced back and forth. Scenarios already started playing in his head: fantasies of how the night could go. He knew he had to curb his enthusiasm; his high expectations exposed him to disappointment.

Finally, Heero's bedroom door opened, only far enough for the slender man to slip out into the hallway. Duo appreciated the tight fit of the light denim jeans. The ends were rolled up to show about an inch of ankle above those black booties that he liked to wear so much. The white, silk shirt he wore cascaded down from his shoulders – the supple movements of the fabric were mesmerizing. He had it buttoned all the way to the top; it looked constricting and too formal for club-attire, but Duo never questioned Heero's fashion choices, feeling like it would be sacrilegious to do so, and definitely get him in trouble. He never examined that instinct, he just went with it.

"You look nice," was what Duo said and he meant it, although Heero looked more dressed for dinner than a night of dancing, surrounded by sweaty bodies.

"Thank you." Blue eyes scrutinized him, and turned a few shades darker in the shadow of long, black lashes. "You look great."

Duo chuckled impishly. "You'd tell me if I was too old for this shit, right?" Heero once told him that he'd be too old for ripped jeans after his thirtieth, but the lusty look in the blue eyes suggested he had changed his mind about that expiration date.

"Too old to look hot?"

He smiled. "Thanks."

They took an Uber to Key Hole, and as they stepped into the venue, Heero made an offhand comment about not having been there in "ages". He muttered something else as he took in the sights, but the music was too loud for Duo to overhear. He led him through the crowd and halfway across the dance floor he turned around and asked: "Drink?" He formed his hand as if he was holding a glass, and tipped it against his lips to help Heero understand his question – he couldn't even hear himself over the beat of the popular summer track.

The Japanese man nodded in response and followed him the rest of the way to the bar. Together they squeezed in-between two buff men – one of them half-naked and wearing a leather harness with buckles – to stand at the bar. Two bartenders serviced customers, but were both too busy to pay them any attention.

"Is one of them the bartender that hit on you before?" Heero asked, practically shouting to make himself understood.

Duo blinked; he hadn't even thought of that. He studied both men but had a hard time identifying either as the bartender who hit on him that other time. He couldn't picture the man clearly, and was only left with a vague memory of dark, curly hair and dark eyes. One of the current bartenders did fit that general description, but the sight of his face didn't jostle a memory. "No, I don't think so."

"You don't _think_ so?"

He shrugged. "I don't really remember."

"Were you really that drunk?"

"No." He shook his head and looked at his friend poignantly. "It just didn't mean anything, so it didn't stick."

"Hm." Although Heero was short and of a tiny built, he had no trouble getting the undivided attention of _both_ bartenders once he decided he had been kept waiting long enough. He pushed himself up, leaned over the bar and mused out loud: "Whose cock do I have to suck to get a drink over here?"

Dark-tall-and-handsome tapped a beer for Duo, and the blonde bartender mixed a cocktail for Heero, their eyes sparkling whenever they looked up at the Japanese man during their task.

"On the house, for making you wait so long, beautiful," the blonde said with a wink and then he and his co-worker got back to work.

Duo laughed and raised his glass in a toast. "Impressive. You shade them," he chuckled at himself for using the term, "and get rewarded with a free drink and a compliment."

"I have my ways with the boys, _honey_." Heero hid his smug grin behind his glass.

"Yes. You do."

Heero blushed and couldn't think of any other distraction than another sip from his cocktail. "So, see anyone you fancy?"

"Hmhm." Duo never let his gaze wander away from Heero.

" _Other_ than me."

"No, but we just got here."

"Well, maybe you should start looking. Staring at me all night isn't going to get you anywhere."

A sly smile tugged at one corner of his mouth. After consuming some more liquid-courage, he teased: "Didn't you like me looking at you?"

"Love it," Heero quipped. "But with me, you only ever get to look. You didn't come all the way here for just a _look_ , right?"

Going along with it, Duo turned around and scanned the crowd. Most men on the dance floor had discarded their shirts and their sweaty shoulders shone, reflecting the color of whatever light-effect was happening overhead. The mass of bodies writhed together, producing a heat and primal smell that filled the space. Their faces all blended together, none of them stood out to Duo. None of them had those beautiful cobalt eyes, perfectly shaped lips, or those entirely too cute dimples with every smile.

Rather than committing to anyone quite yet, Duo shot back: "See anyone _you_ like?"

"Maybe," Heero replied mysteriously.

Duo shot him a sideway glance, hoping to find the younger man looking at him, but he wasn't. The American finished his beer, and urged his roommate to take the last drink from his cocktail. "Let's dance!" Although the swarm of bodies wasn't enticing Duo to become part of it, he knew there would be benefits to them dancing together in the crowd, forced to be close together in the limited space they'd be able to conquer on the dance floor.

Heero put his empty glass on the bar. "No touching! Don't get handsy with me."

Duo nodded at the warning. "But I can look, right?"

He smirked. "Yeah, you can look."

Being the taller and broader one of the two, Duo pushed off the bar first and led the way, creating a path for Heero to follow. The bodies were more packed closer to the bar and Duo didn't enjoy the thought of strangers rubbing against him, so he navigated further, closer to the stage at the far end that was not in use at that moment by anyone, other than a few brave exhibitionists who gyrated their hips for everyone to see. There, they had some space to dance and _breathe_ ; he spun around and crooked his finger at Heero, beckoning him closer but heeding the instructions of "no touching".

Duo put on a good show for his dance partner. He'd checked his inhibitions at the door – at his _closet_ door, when he picked the outfit that he had. He stayed mostly rooted in one spot, since there wasn't ample space to move around, but his hips followed the rhythm of the music. He raised his hands over his head, exposing the front of his jeans and an inch of bare skin above the hem, shamelessly showing off the dark trail of hairs coming down from his belly button, and the shape of himself underneath the denim fabric. Heero noticed and pretended to be unaffected, averting his gaze to the men around them, searching for anything to latch his gaze onto. His dance movements started subdued and uncertain, but didn't stay that way for long.

Duo made several trips back to the bar, for two rounds of shots and more cocktails, losing count after a while. Every time he returned to their spot on the dance floor he had to give another man who had flocked to Heero's side his most dangerous glare to get him to back off. His roommate didn't make any objections to his noticeable possessiveness.

As the night progressed, they gravitated closer and closer together, but never did they touch, even though Duo was aching to. The shape in the front of his jeans was more pronounced as he got half hard, thinking about how he wanted to grind their pelvises together, and let his hands wander over Heero's body, feeling the silkiness of the shirt and the body underneath. He was sweating – he felt it on his temples and in his armpits, the smell blending with that of the crowd. Heero's golden face was glossy with a sheen of sweat as well. His mouth was parted as he breathed more heavily from the night-long exertion.

Duo didn't remember when, but at some point during the night, the cobalt blue eyes stopped meeting his, and all Heero looked at was his broad chest in front of him, like he was studying the intricate logo art, but Duo knew better. Seeing as nearly everyone else who occupied the dancefloor was half-naked, he didn't hesitate to peel off the black shirt – it was a relief in more ways than one to bare his torso. He tucked one end of the shirt into the back pocket of his jeans, so he wouldn't have to hold it or lose it either.

The way Heero looked at him was a rush unlike any other. The shorter man had seen him half-undressed many times in the past couple of weeks, but this was different; context mattered.

"Aren't you hot?" Duo asked, his eyes shone with mischief.

"Very," Heero agreed. The word just blurted out of him.

"Take off your shirt," he encouraged.

Heero shook his head, a flicker of panic passing through his eyes before he explained: "It's a _blouse_ , and it's _Chanel_. One does not simply take off Chanel and put it in their back pocket."

Duo chuckled at him, even though the sound was too soft to be heard. "Maybe you shouldn't have worn Chanel to a sweaty club."

Heero looked down at himself and smoothed a hand down the front of the blouse. "You hate it."

He shook his head. He really didn't; it was a beautiful blouse and he bet the fabric would feel delicious, letting his hands slide over it before slipping underneath. "No! You look beautiful in everything and nothing," he assured him with a smirk. "But I've seen you in everything, and now I'm curious about the nothing." He inched closer – as close as he could go while still abiding by the rules – dipped his head, and breathed into the crook of Heero's neck. He was so close that chocolate brown hairs tickled his cheek, but that didn't count as "touching" in his book. "You said it was okay to look, but how can I be satisfied with looking when you won't let me _see_ you." He straightened up and watched Heero bite his lips.

The shorter man opened his mouth to speak, probably to remind him once again that nothing was going to happen between them – Duo couldn't deny that the wait and the tease excited him – but someone cut him off, inserting himself into the conversation.

A broad, muscular guy with platinum blonde hair, but nearly black eyebrows and beard, leaned in – too close for comfort – and shouted in Heero's face: "Stop being such a fucking cock-tease! Either let him have it or cut him loose so someone else can make a move!"

Duo was sure Heero could defend himself perfectly fine against guys like that, but the Japanese man didn't get the chance to say anything before Duo burst in response: "Get the fuck away from him right now! He's _my_ 'cock-tease' and I happen to like it." He prodded an angry, pointed finger into the bulky chest, forcing him back.

The guy muttered some choice curse words and warned Duo not to touch him again with vain threats, but he soon made his retreat and disappeared into the crowd.

"What a goddamn asshole," Duo seethed.

"I could've handled it."

"I know, but I wanted to. He pissed me off."

Heero grinned. "Yes, I could tell. So, I'm 'your' cock-tease, huh?"

"Yeah, you are." Duo grabbed the bulge between his legs, pleased that Heero's gaze followed the movement of his hand. He was fully hard now; the surge of rage had only added to his primal arousal. He stared as Heero's throat worked visibly to swallow the saliva that flooded his mouth.

"I-" Heero tore his gaze away and looked up. "I need to go to the bathroom." And he was already starting in that direction.

Duo was right beside him. "Me too."

"That's not what I meant, Duo. It's not an invitation."

"It's a public restroom," Duo leered, "And when you gotta go, you gotta go."

They pushed their way through the crowd to the restrooms in the back, where the music was nothing but a distant drone. The once-white tiles had been painted black, but people had scratched words and crude drawings into it. There was a long wall of urinals, and even more stalls, yet not nearly enough sinks. A group of men huddled in front of the mirrors, pretty much blocking anyone who actually wanted to wash their hands. They stared at their own reflection, and fussed over their hair and readjusted their clothes. Loud moans echoed off the walls, coming from the stalls. Three of the men standing at the urinals weren't peeing, but instead getting jerked off by strangers that came up behind them.

It was disgusting and seedy, but made Duo's cock pulse regardless.

Seeing as the urinals left one open for molestation, Heero decided on an empty stall in the back. Duo was right on his heels and, when Heero was about to close the door to separate them, Duo stopped him. They both held onto the panel, neither pushing nor pulling; the battle was fought by their gazes as they met. Duo would have let Heero close the door on him if he believed that was what he truly wanted, but as he stared into those clouded blue eyes, he knew better.

The golden hand slipped from the door and Heero stepped back, allowing Duo to join him in the stall.

Duo locked the door behind them and kept his back against the door as they engaged in round two of a stare-down battle. After what seemed too long, Duo stepped forward; that single step was all it took to shrink the space between them down to an inch. Heero backed up against the wall, but Duo followed his movements, staying close enough to feel the heat radiate from his body, but never so close that they were touching. He wanted Heero to give him permission for that first. He put his hands on the wall, on either side of Heero's head, trapping him with his arms. A feral growl escaped him as Heero let his gaze rake down his body. Duo's hands, which were splayed on the painted tiles before, clenched into fists; it was the best he could do to keep himself from grabbing those slim hips, so he could hold him in place as he rocked his pelvis against him.

In the stall next to theirs, the occupants didn't match their patience. They basically crashed through the door and soon erupted into moans. This wasn't the kind of place Duo had envisioned to be the scene of their first kiss, or the first whatever-Heero-was-willing-to-give-him, but his need was too dire to be ignored in favor of a more romantic setting.

"I want to touch you," he whispered, and then groaned at the neediness evident in the low tone of his voice. "God, there are so many things I want to do to you."

"You're not allowed," Heero reminded him.

"That just makes me want it all the more…" he whined and dropped his head down. "But I won't do anything without your permission." "Permission" – it sounded so the sensual the way he said it just now. His erection throbbed in the confines of his jeans.

"Is that why you want this, Duo? Do you want it only because you can't have it? Do you want it only because of the taboo?"

"I want this because I want _you_ ," he grunted. "I want you so bad... I want to feel your hair. I want to feel your lips. I want to feel your cock." He was sweating even more than he had on the dancefloor. His body felt impossibly hot – overheated, even. He knew without seeing that his face and chest were flushed red. He squeezed his eyes shut; he was so desperate, he felt like he could weep if he let himself. "And I want to make you feel so good, baby."

Heero whimpered at the pet name. "It's never going to be easy, having a relationship with another guy. And it especially won't be easy with me. I'm not a good role model."

"I don't need you to be my role model. I just need you to be mine."

"… _Fuck_ …" Heero was squirming against the wall.

"Please… Please…" Duo begged senselessly, rocking his head from left to right, like an animal pacing back and forth in a cage. At any moment, his control was going to snap and he was going to attack that beautiful, slim neck. Left or right. Left or right. Left or right.

"I'm scared of wrecking another good thing in my life."

"You _are_ wrecking something good in your life if you deny us both this," he argued. "You're missing out on the possibility of something great."

"Cocky," Heero deadpanned.

"I'm serious." He bit back a groan. He was so hard and his jeans were _so_ tight. "Let me show you. Let me, please. _Unleash me_ ," he ground out. The veins in his forearms were as prominent as the tendons in his neck must have been. His entire body was tense, like a strung bow, and he was ready to snap. He never felt such an intense desire for anyone, giving true meaning to the word "yearning".

Heero mewled pathetically. His control was faltering.

"I'm not yet allowed to touch you but you can touch me," Duo spoke, watching blue eyes widen at him. "If you want."

There was a delay – a moment of hesitation – before Heero reached up and slipped his hands around Duo's wrists, then pushed them up the toned arms, up to the shoulders, before dragging them back to the wrists, reveling in the bulging biceps; he scratched his nails through the hairs on the forearms.

Duo let out a shaky moan. The touch set his skin alight. He closed his eyes and bit down on his bottom lip.

The small hands returned to his shoulders, and fingers delved into the hair at the nape of his neck, where he was damp with sweat. Then the palms moved down his chest, slowly, grazing hard nipples and the fingers fell into and explored every dip they encountered: his collarbone, his abs, the lines at his hips. The exploration stopped at the waistband of his jeans. He thought Heero might be too shy to continue, and he was about to offer words of encouragement – or simply beg, rather – when Heero showed him that he wasn't shy at all. The index finger of the left hand hooked into his jeans, not doing anything other than anchoring the hand in place, while the right hand firmly cupped him through his jeans.

The moan that poured out of Duo's mouth didn't even sound like him, so whiny and greedy. He knew himself as more of a "giving" lover, taking control and overwhelming his partners, doing all the work. He thought it was what he liked – and he did – but being at Heero's mercy made him fantasize about Heero treating him to more pleasure, and letting it all wash over him.

The hand rubbed against him and fingers traced the outline of his erection, pointing up to his left hip. He moaned Heero's name in appreciation. His knuckles were turning white as he kept his fists pressed against the wall on either side of Heero's head. He swallowed, and the shorter man gave into the temptation to lick his Adam's apple; Duo's entire body shuddered in response.

The finger in the waistband of his jeans pulled, testing the stretch of the fabric. He couldn't even pull it an inch away from the skin – the jeans were too tight. Realizing either that he couldn't or shouldn't work that hand into Duo's pants, he brought the hand up and pawed at Duo's chest and shoulders. A kiss landed on his breastbone.

"Heero…" He moaned. Without thought he rocked his hips against the hand fondling him, searching for more friction. He opened his eyes to the sight of wild, brown hair as Heero kept placing kisses on his chest. The touch of his lips was too light and too chaste; he wanted to cup Heero's face in his hands and connect their mouths, so he could ravage him with his tongue. But he wasn't going to do anything without permission – he didn't want to spook Heero.

The kisses stopped, but at the same time the hand at the front of his jeans became more purposeful; it was almost as painful as it was pleasurable, but he was close to orgasm regardless. He could tell Heero's demeanor had changed as he worked to get him to reach his climax, like it was a mission he just needed to get over with. Duo was already at a point of no return – he couldn't have made Heero stop to level with him, and ask what was wrong when the situation had seemed so promising before; he couldn't think clearly, let alone coherently express his concerns.

"Please," he begged through gritted teeth, "don't make me come in these tight fucking jeans."

Almost immediately the pressure was released; Heero popped the button and dragged down the zipper, then tugged down his underwear. That small hand wrapped around the base of his arousal and pulled up, twisting at the wrist when he reached the tip, rubbing the palm into the pre-come that had gathered. The simple action was repeated a few more times; Duo's cock nearly leaped out of Heero's hand a couple of times with new surges of blood and endorphins and all other hormones that were a spice to life. Then the hand stilled, wrapped firmly around the shaft, just underneath the crown, and the thumb pressed and rubbed into the slit and ghosted over the very tip.

Duo choked on a breathless gasp. His arms started to quiver. "I'm close… Please…" Whether he was warning him not to continue or begging him to finish him off, Duo didn't even know, but he repeated the plea over and over as a mantra as the hand pumped up and down his length again, until he released with a grunt, spilling his semen into Heero's awaiting left hand.

The younger man eased him through his orgasm, pumping a tight fist up and down the shaft a few more times, but knowing exactly when to lighten his grip and when to let go of the over-sensitized member completely. There was something clinical and distant in the way he simply reached for some toilet paper to wipe his hand clean, then disposed of the soiled bundle of tissue in the toilet.

Duo's mind was foggy and his body felt like it wasn't his. He couldn't stop himself from shaking. His fists had unclenched and he splayed his hands against the wall again as he leaned his weight forward. If he hadn't been braced against the wall, he would have toppled over.

Heero ducked under Duo's arm, keeping his head bowed, and exited the stall.

"W-wait!" Duo stammered. He struggled to balance himself on his feet and stuffed himself back into his briefs before stumbling out of the stall. "Wait, Heero!" He saw the Japanese man bypass others on his way out of the restrooms; Duo intended to follow him, but his way was blocked by a man even taller and broader than he was.

"Are you bothering him?" The man questioned with judgmental eyes.

"Stay out of it. He's my friend," Duo snarled and pushed past him in an attempt to catch up to Heero, but he couldn't even see him anymore. He elbowed his way across the dance floor to the front door, hoping to find Heero outside. Now that he was himself again and in charge of his mind and body, he needed to talk to Heero. He needed to understand what went wrong – what he did wrong. He thought he had been behaving exactly the way Heero wanted him to, and he thought it had been going well as Heero was about to give in to their mutual desire, but then everything changed.

Outside was still warm and humid, in spite of the fact that it was long past midnight. A group of smokers idled by the entry; Duo could taste the foul nicotine in his mouth as he passed through the grey smoke that one of the men teasingly blew out at him.

"Heero!" He called before he even paused to search his surroundings for the shorter man. He was nowhere to be seen. He turned back to the smokers. "Did you see someone come out the door right before me?"

" _Hunty_ , it's a door. Lots of people coming and going," one of them answered most unhelpfully; he made a "see-I-told-you-so" face when the door opened again and a threesome of young men emerged from the club, giggling and stumbling over their own feet.

Duo tried again: "A short guy with a white blouse? Dark brown hair?"

The only two that were still paying him any attention shrugged, and then turned back to their conversation and cigarettes.

"Thanks," he spat. With his hands in his hair he walked down the street and checked the first street on the right. He spotted more smokers and two men exchanging hand jobs; people were coming and going through a door clearly marked "NO ENTRY. EMERGENCY USE ONLY".

 _Fuck_. He followed Heero to the wrong exit, which had allowed him to get away from him.

Duo knew there was no point combing the streets for him. He'd wasted too much time, and Heero could have gone in any direction. His best bet was to head home, although he had a sinking feeling that his roommate wouldn't be there. He called an Uber and half an hour later, he was back at the apartment. He was alone.

 _Shit._

Panic washed over him. He paced back and forth in the living room, wearing a trench into the rug by the coffee table. He thought about getting a beer from the fridge, knowing that more alcohol would help him calm down, but it wouldn't benefit the situation if Heero came home and Duo was pissing drunk – even more drunk than he already was. So, he made himself a cup of coffee instead, then later another, even though he acknowledged it would make him jittery and restless.

After an hour of waiting, he assumed Heero was not coming home for the night. He wanted to text Quatre and ask him if his roommate was with him, but if Heero had gone to one of his girlfriends instead, he didn't want to wake the blonde and needlessly stress him out. Duo took a shower, letting the water beat down on his back, and then he went to bed in nothing but his underwear. He lay on top of the sheets, tossing and turning, unable to find sleep, and kept replaying the evening in his head, wondering where he had lost him.

* * *

X

* * *

At three AM, there was a knock on Duo's bedroom door. Just one, then the door opened. Duo blinked at the beam of light cutting across the ceiling; he propped himself up on his elbows and stared down his body at the square of light that was the open doorway, and the black silhouette that occupied it.

"Hey," the American croaked. His throat ached and his eyes burned. He hadn't been able to sleep at all.

Heero stepped into the room and closed the door behind him, shutting out the bright light from the hallway. He didn't say a word.

Duo sat up and listened to the soft footfalls on the carpet as his roommate approached the edge of his bed. His eyes adjusted to the darkness again and he watched his approach with baited breath. Once Heero came to stand by the bed, the younger man stilled and seemed to be waiting for Duo to make the next move. So, Duo scooted to the edge and swung his legs over. He was seated right in front of Heero; if he reached out he could touch him, but he wasn't going to.

"I'm sorry," was the first thing he said, although he still hadn't been able to figure out what he had done wrong. He knew he had pushed him, but Heero didn't push back, nor did he pull away; he _touched_ him and seemed eager to. "Where have you been? I've been worried about you. I couldn't find you. I thought we were playing a game. I never meant to upset you," Duo rambled.

Heero remained silent. He stared down at him but his eyes were unreadable in the low light. His body language was relaxed, with his arms hanging at his sides and his hips tilted forward, but Duo wasn't sure if he could trust that, since he had misread him earlier that night. Duo swallowed audibly in the silence and parted his lips to release a trembling breath. The atmosphere in the bedroom made the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end, but it wasn't a bad kind of tension. The air was electrified with anticipation.

He watched, enthralled, as slim hands moved and started to unbutton the silk, white blouse. The fabric slid off of Heero's shoulders and gathered at his elbows; he slipped out one arm and the shirt cascaded down to the wrist of the other. Once it was off his body, he folded it over once and carefully draped it over the empty surface of the nightstand. When he looked at Duo again, a small, shy smile graced his perfect lips, and Duo understood.

 _It's Chanel._

He examined the half-undressed body in front of him, regretting the lack of light. He could see sharp shoulders, wiry arms, dark nipples, an incredibly slim waist, and shadows licking at hipbones. As Heero breathed calmly, his lower ribs showed through the skin. He was very thin, but not unhealthily so. His frame made him appear both boyish and feminine at the same time – a paradox, but one that fit him well. His neck was so long. His bangs fell over his eyes as he dipped his head down.

Duo swallowed again, his mouth going dry. His fingernails dug into his own thighs and would leave crescent shaped marks. They hurt but they were a necessary distraction.

Finally, Heero whispered: "Touch me, Duo."

Duo's breath hitched in his throat. He reached out reverently and placed his hands on the hips in front of him. His hands looked enormous gripping the slim hips. He moaned and pulled the other one step closer, so he was standing between Duo's knees. He leaned forward and placed a kiss low on his abdomen, midway between the belly button and the waistband of his jeans. Heero's stomach tightened in response, and his fingers delved into Duo's hair. Duo kissed the skin again, and then blew hot air on the wet mark he'd left.

"Nnnn…" The fingers raked through his hair.

After worshiping the exposed skin in front of him, Duo guided Heero to sit on his lap, straddling his thighs. He sucked a nipple into his mouth and lapped at it briefly before trailing his lips further up – too impatient for the time being. He nipped at Heero's collarbone and jawline along the way, before pressing their mouths together in a kiss that communicated desperation coming from the both of them. Heero's lips were so soft and pliant, soon parting for him so their tongues could meet. One minute, Heero was a docile kisser, letting Duo explore his mouth as he pleased; and the next, he fought him for dominance. Duo moaned into the kiss.

His big hands moved up Heero's sides, and hooked under his armpits to hoist him forward in his lap so they could grind their pelvises together. He felt the hard length in Heero's jeans; it was the first time he felt another man's arousal. It was a heady rush. For a moment, the kiss became sloppy, but he soon regained control of himself and the kiss, cupping one hand on the back of Heero's head to angle his face as he needed. The other hand settled on the small of his back, until a drawn-out moan coming from the younger man encouraged Duo to paw at his ass, his fingers digging into the round cheek, and pressing Heero's lower body even more tightly to his.

"Thank you. Thank you…" Duo mumbled against those perfect lips.

"Don't. This is just me being selfish," Heero breathed in response. Duo wasn't sure what that meant, but he didn't want to ask any questions because he worried he wouldn't like the answers. Suddenly he was pushed down onto the mattress and Heero abandoned his mouth in favor of raining kisses on his chest. He bit into Duo's pec, startling the bigger man, and then soothed over it with his tongue. He also left a hickey or two.

The American panicked when the other crawled off of him to stand by the bed. He sat up and reached for his hips again. "Don't go."

"I'm just going to my bedroom to get some things."

"I have condoms and stuff," he spoke hurriedly to stop Heero from trying to free himself from his grip.

"Stuff?"

"Lube."

"What kind? Not the cheap stuff, right? Or some stupid scented shit."

Duo chuckled, unsurprised that Heero had preferences for lube. He nodded at the nightstand and released him.

Heero flicked on the light on the bedside table, and opened the drawer and pulled out the new box of condoms and the tube of lube that Duo had already used a couple of times while masturbating. "This'll due," he concluded and tossed them onto the bed, near the pillows.

The orange light that washed over his body finally revealed him to Duo's eyes and highlighted his glow. His skin was perfect and smooth; he wanted to kiss every square inch of it. The jeans were starting to bother him though.

"You're overdressed," Duo pointed out.

The Japanese man nodded. He undid his jeans and pushed them down his legs – he was already barefoot. He folded them and threw them over a nearby chair.

Duo was left staring again. His legs were skinny but shapely, and he could see the tone of muscles in his thighs. "You're beautiful," he whispered in admiration – "handsome" felt inappropriate – and ran his knuckles down one inner thigh, noting the skin was hairless and soft. "Do you shave?"

"I wax… Is that bad?"

Duo didn't answer him; instead, he placed a kiss on the thigh, and then continued to let his eyes feast on the sight of him. Heero's cock was swollen and the head peeked out over the top hem of his black briefs; when Heero realized what part of him Duo was staring at, he covered himself with his hands. Before Duo could assure him that he needn't be self-conscious about his male-anatomy for his sake – he was turned on by it, in fact – Heero bent over and flicked off the light; it took a while for Duo's eyes to adjust to darkness again.

Heero instructed him to move further up the bed, and Duo did what he was told, lying down prone on his back in the center of the mattress. Soon, Heero was plastered to his side, one leg thrown over his, his erection prominent on Duo's hip – he had taken a moment in the dark to step out of his underwear. Heero's mouth demanded his full attention as he sealed their lips in another kiss. The American raised his hips off the bed and pushed down his underwear, and Heero assisted him in getting rid of it, tossing it across the room. Slim fingers wrapped around his arousal, now that it was free to touch, and Duo bucked. He wanted to feel Heero's manhood in his own hand, but he was too uncertain to dare to ask.

The hand disappeared and Heero grabbed the tube of lube. He worked one-handed; since his right arm supported his upper body, he poured the clear liquid into a shadowy dip created by Duo's tense abdominal muscles, then ran his fingers through the slippery substance, coating his digits. Once satisfied that his fingers were slick, the smaller man reached behind himself, angling his pelvis and drawing his left leg up. His hand was out of Duo's line of sight, but he didn't need to see to know what he was doing; he was turned on even more by the thought.

Heero placed openmouthed kisses along Duo's jawline, and worried his earlobe between his teeth. His breaths were sharp pants, hot in Duo's ear. His hips rutted against his partner, the head of his erection – leaking pre-come – felt wet against Duo's side. The younger man whined and whimpered as his body succumbed to pleasure. He placed his lips against a sensitive spot on Duo's throat, but he was too distracted to do much.

Shaking his self-doubt, Duo offered: "Do you want me to do that? Prep you?" Obviously Heero was handling it, but he offered for selfish purposes, wanting it to be his fingers that made Heero feel good; wanting to explore him and find the sweet spot that prompted such delicious sounds to tumble from his lips.

"No, I want to get myself ready and wet for you."

"I wouldn't mind," he tried. "Actually, I'd-…"

"It's fine, Duo. At least I know what I'm doing."

Duo chuckled. "Okay. But next time, you could teach me."

"I'm not interested in being your teacher," Heero grunted.

To prevent them from arguing, Duo sealed Heero's lips with his. The kiss was angry at first, but the rage quickly melted into passion again.

Heero brought his hand around and dipped his fingers into the puddle of lube on Duo's stomach, scooping up the last of it, and rubbed it between his ass cheeks. Duo groaned at how hot those fingers were against his skin – hot enough to burn him, it felt like.

The warm body that had been pressed against his side rolled away. Heero positioned himself face down on the empty stretch of bed to Duo's left, and angled his pelvis up to expose his ass in a wordless invitation.

Duo opened the box of condoms, spilling both strips of aluminum packages on the sheets. He tore one packet off and then swept the mess off the bed. He applied the condom on himself, noting that his hands were shaking with excitement and nervousness. "I've had anal sex before," he disclosed, "but not a lot."

Heero twisted his head to look up at him. "You'll be fine."

He chuckled sheepishly. "I was hoping to be a little more than 'fine'." He was relieved to see Heero smile at his joke. He climbed on top of him and rested most of his weight on one elbow. With his available hand, he grabbed hold of his cock and aimed it at the opening. He dropped his head down and placed a kiss on the back of his partner's neck. "I don't want to hurt you. Talk me through it, tell me what you want, tell me what feels good."

"Put it in me, please… Just go slow."

He nodded and pushed his hips forward. He looked down in concentration, watching the head of his erection press against Heero, but not being allowed past the ring of muscle until he pushed harder. Their moans blended together and became one, just as they did. Duo covered Heero's body with his; no amount of contact felt like it could ever be enough. He dipped his face into the crook of Heero's neck, and latched his mouth onto his shoulder to silence his own, needy cries. The channel contracted and relaxed around him as Heero needed a moment to adjust to his size. The Japanese man had his face buried in the pillow, muffling his groans.

"Fuck, Heero… Was that too fast?"

"No," he mewled. "It's good. Fuck me, please."

Duo raised himself up again, his hands on either side of Heero sinking into the mattress as his arms supported his weight. He slowly built up the rhythm, always listening for sounds of discomfort, but Heero only moaned favorably, encouraging him to become more rough. He enjoyed the sight of the expanse of golden skin that was Heero's back; it glowed with a sheen of sweat. His hair was starting to get dark and damp at the nape of his neck. He had reared himself on his elbows, his head hung down. His shoulders were tense. Every thrust wrought a deep, satisfied moan out of him and after a while, those moans evolved into cries.

Duo stilled, taking a moment to appreciate the heat and tightness that enveloped him, without the added overwhelming friction. He leaned down and rained kisses on the sharp shoulder blades. "You feel so good," he whispered.

The other grunted in response: "You too."

He licked a trail up the spine and then sucked on the bump of the vertebrae at the base of the neck. "I want to see your face. I want to see your eyes…" He'd drown in them for sure, but that was what he wanted: to disappear forever in the mysterious, blue depth that was Heero.

"No." When Heero shook his head, his hair danced. "I want to be on all fours."

Disappointment made way for a new wave of excitement. Duo maneuvered himself up on his knees, pulling Heero's hips up with him, positioning his partner on his hands and knees. The view didn't change much, but the symphony of pleasurable sounds did. Duo figured the new angle was more satisfying for Heero. The position change also gave Heero more mobility, and he enthusiastically rocked his hips back to meet every thrust.

Usually, his stamina was something to be proud of – many women had complimented him for it – but Duo knew that he wasn't going to last long during this go-round. He dug his fingers into Heero's sides as he held onto his tiny waist. He released one hand and moved it down to Heero's abdomen, feeling the tense muscles contract with every harsh breath. His hands trailed up to his chest, dragging his fingers along the sternum, and with Heero's every moan, he could feel the vibrations in the ribcage. His hands traveled South again, ghosting over the plains of his stomach, stopping when he felt the dip of his belly button.

"Can I touch you?" He asked. "I want to feel you in my hand."

"Nnn. You- You don't have to do that, Duo."

"I _want_ to," he reiterated. He leaned forward and nosed along Heero's spine. He quietly admitted to the dirty thoughts that clouded his mind: "I want to feel you pulse in my hand, and I want to fucking milk the come out of you when you orgasm."

"Jesus fuck!" Heero lowered his chest back down onto the mattress, crossing his arms underneath himself – Duo regretted the loss of contact between his chest and Heero's back, and the way their sweaty skin rubbed together. Without Heero's body to lean on Duo straightened up to ease the toll on his back. He waited patiently for Heero to give him permission to jerk him off, although he didn't understand his partner's hesitation; he thought he made it very clear to Heero that he had no objections with touching his cock. It was novel for him; the fact that it was all new and unknown made it all the more exciting.

After a long delay, Heero answered: "Yeah. Yeah, okay."

Duo slowed down their rhythm so he could focus, and hold off his own climax for as long as he could. He delicately traced the shape of Heero's erection with his fingers first, exploring the length and thickness of the shaft, the ridge of the crown and the smooth, slick surface of the tip and slit at the underside of the head. The cynical part of him still expected him to freak out – or, to a lesser extent, "lose his cool" – the moment he touched another man's arousal after a lifetime of only worshipping the female body, but he only became hot and bothered in all the right ways. He wrapped his fist around him, feeling him throb and twitch, and he listened to the moans that accompanied his ministrations.

Duo knew he was addicted; he felt powerful and, for the first time since they started, he knew what he was doing. He knew exactly what would feel good and how to get Heero to make even better sounds. Who knew all those years of masturbation would actually come in handy? – Excuse the pun. Before long, he had Heero unraveled – learning and adjusting to the slight difference in the way he liked to be touched – and his lover was keening his name.

"I'm close," Duo managed to say through gritted teeth.

Heero nodded fervently, mewling and moaning incessantly, leaving him unable to speak.

"I'm definitely-… Gonna _come_!" A loud cry erupted from him and he took his hand off Heero's cock for fear of grasping him to tightly. He wasn't just gently nudged over the edge, but _propelled_. During the freefall, the erratic thrusts slowed more and more. Duo thought he had gone blind, but he simply squeezed his eyes shut without even being aware of it. He blinked his eyes open and sucked in a desperate breath like he had just resurfaced after being held under water for too long.

With his senses and bodily control returning to him, he quickly encircled Heero's erection with his hand again and finished him off. When the younger man came, it wasn't with a loud wail or deep groan. As vocal as he had been the entire time, his orgasm overcame him with a soft whimper, and a breath that hitched in the back of his throat. Duo almost missed that it had happened, but soon felt the warm semen spill onto his hand. He worked his tight fist down the length of the shaft a few more times, milking him as he said he would.

He knew he had to get out and rid himself of the condom before he went soft, so with regret, he detached himself from his lover and pulled out carefully. As soon as the connection between their bodies was lost, Heero collapsed onto the mattress, like the power plug had been pulled out of him. Duo took off the condom and stood beside the bed on shaky legs.

He waited for his Jello-knees to solidify before he dared to take the first step towards the door. "I'll be right back, gonna get something to clean us up." In the bathroom, he trashed the used condom and quickly washed himself with a wet washcloth, before taking another washcloth and a small towel back into his bedroom.

Heero had rolled onto his side, and lay with his legs drawn up and his arms bonelessly draped in front of him. His eyes were closed, his mouth was open; he still hadn't caught his breath. Duo kneeled next to him and gently wiped him clean, met with no resistance. Once his responsibilities were done, he lay down beside him, facing him, but with two feet of distance between them. He listened to Heero's breathing as it evened out and he knew he was falling asleep; he was exhausted and probably still a little drunk, like Duo was.

Heero was lying on top of the sheets and Duo didn't want to disturb him, so he got up again and fetched the fuzzy blanket that they kept on the couch to snuggle into on cold TV-nights. It was summer now, but Duo didn't want to risk him getting cold. He draped the blanket over him, then laid down closely behind him so they could share its warmth.

A restlessness settled in his gut – a twisting coil of concerns and questions – but he soon fell asleep regardless and in his dream, he relived the night.

* * *

X

* * *

Duo awoke to the smell of orange blossom, sweat and _sex_. Waking up next to Heero the morning after was an _experience_ , even while he still had his eyes closed. He took in a deep, greedy breath, the smell getting stronger as he slid his head forward on the pillow it rested on, and the tip of his nose encountered the back of his lover's neck. He smiled and curled the arm that had been draped over Heero's waist, pulling him back against him in a hug. The smaller man slept like a log, his breaths soundless but deep and slow. The blanket was somewhere down at their legs. Cuddling up together had proven to be warm enough.

Duo swallowed, feeling the dryness of his throat and his stomach growled in need. His hangover wasn't as bad – staying up late and drinking coffee as he waited for Heero to come home had taken the edge off. The headache was barely noticeable, and he knew he would feel almost as good as new if he just had some water, an Advil, and a nice breakfast with coffee. Expecting Heero to soon wake up to the same basic needs, he forced himself to get out of bed, slowly rolling over so he wouldn't wake the other. Without the body heat radiating behind him, he could get chilly, so Duo covered him with the blanket. He then retrieved clean underwear, a pair of sweatpants and a shirt from his closet. Even the soft rustle of the clothes as he stepped into them had him wincing and checking the sleeping figure on the bed.

Heero continued to sleep.

Duo went into the bathroom to relieve himself and took a moment to re-braid his hair, smiling as he reminisced about how it had gotten all messed up. He shivered, remembering Heero's fingers on his scalp.

In the kitchen, he got to work making waffles for the both of them, and washing the fresh strawberries that he had bought with the intention of making a smoothie, but he had a different craving that morning. He swallowed two Advil, just to be sure, and drank an entire glass of water. Meanwhile, the coffee machine brewed a double morning fix. He was as quiet as possible, romanticizing the idea of breakfast in bed.

They had trays that they used for TV dinners and Duo made thankful use of one, loading up both plates of waffles with strawberries and whipped cream – he felt like spoiling them both – two cups of coffee, and a glass of water with two Advil for Heero. He walked back into the bedroom and knelt by the edge of the bed, putting the tray down on the mattress. He smiled as he took in the sight of his roommate, his friend, his _lover_. Heero's small hands had gathered up the hem of the blanket and hugged the bundle of fabric to his chest. His expression was peaceful, his skin glowed, and his hair was even more tousled than usual. Duo was pleased to have been the cause of it all.

He reached out and covered one hand with his, giving a gentle squeeze. "Heero…"

The dark, perfectly arched eyebrows furrowed together. The touch, the sound of his name and the smell of the food woke him from his sleep. Heero opened his eyes, revealing their magnificent shade of blue; in combination with the warm tone of his skin, his eyes were like sapphires set into a golden jewel. There was a moment of confusion as he took in the scene he had awoken to, his frown deepening, but then his features relaxed and he offered Duo a timid smile.

He pulled the blanket up to under his chin. "Good morning."

"Good morning, beautiful."

Heero's eyes lit up and he giggled lightly.

In that moment, Duo fell even more in love with him. "I made breakfast."

"That's nice."

"Can I come back in bed and share it with you?"

"It's your bed."

Duo took that as permission and climbed on, taking care to bypass the tray of food and drinks. He settled next to Heero, who sat up straight and wrapped the blanket around his shoulders to keep himself covered and warm.

"Want these first?" Duo held up the glass of water and the pills.

"Yes, thank you." Heero adjusted the blanket so it was over one shoulder and under the other armpit, freeing that one arm. He popped the pills into his mouth and then accepted the glass of water, emptying it.

Duo put the tray between them. He didn't like the distance it created, but he figured it would be what Heero preferred, and it was the easiest way for them to both have access to their breakfast. He started with his coffee, drinking it black, and watched Heero sweeten his coffee with sugar and milk before taking his first sip. Heero then dipped a strawberry into the dollop of whipped cream on his waffle and brought it to his lips. He smiled as he caught Duo staring. When he took a bite of the red fruit, it left some whipped cream on his top lip; he put the second half of the strawberry into his mouth and chewed it, before he thumbed the cream off his lip and licked his thumb.

They locked eyes and both chuckled.

They were halfway through their breakfast when Duo spoke again. "We should probably talk about last night."

"Probably." Heero was less than enthusiastic.

"Do you regret it?" The question hurt, but it had to be asked.

Heero shook his head. "I don't. But I should."

Duo decided to focus on the silver lining: _he doesn't regret it._ "Why?"

"Why don't I regret it, or why do I think I should?" Duo shrugged. "I don't regret it because I wanted it and it was good. But I should regret it because it was selfish. It was inconsiderate towards your feelings for me."

"Why?" Duo felt stupid for repeating the same question, but he wasn't very eloquent as he tried to process everything. His headache was getting worse again.

"You're in love with me, but I'm not in love with you." He forgot about the headache when he was hit with the heartache. "I care so much about you," Heero elaborated. "I love that we're friends now. I'm attracted to you, of course, but I'm not in love… I've been-… I've been lonely, after Logan."

"What are you talking about – you've been with lots of guys since Logan," Duo snapped, bitter at how things weren't turning out the way he had hoped.

Heero glared at him. "Really? You're going to accuse me of being a slut again?"

Duo shook his head miserably and buried his face in his hands. "No. No, I'm sorry. I'm just… hurting."

"I have been with a lot of guys after Logan," Heero concurred, "like I've been with a lot of guys before Logan. But it's different, because I've started to realize _it_ might never happen for me; it might never work. So, I haven't really _been_ with anyone. I'm too much of a man for the 'straight' boys, and I'm not man enough for the gay boys. But the way you looked at me last night, the way you wanted me, made me feel just right and I wanted to have that, even for just one night."

The American raised his head and stared at him, noting his forlorn expression. He didn't fully understand what he was saying, or why he was saying it, but his earlier resentment at the rejection made way for sympathy. "You are more than 'just right' to me – you are _perfect_."

Those lips that Duo finally knew intimately formed a sad smile. Heero continued: "I walked away in the club… because I knew it wasn't fair to you, and in the long run it wouldn't get me what I wanted either. But when I came home, I hated the thought of sleeping alone in my bed-…" Suddenly he burst out in sobs, startling Duo because the Japanese man had seemed so composed. His body shook as he cried, and he used the one free hand to cover as much of his face as he could.

Duo moved the tray away, and scooted against him and rubbed circles on his back, wanting to console him.

"I'm sorry. I'm such an awful person. You're such a wonderful guy and I'm-…"

"You're not an awful person." Duo kissed the bare shoulder. "I wouldn't be in love with an awful person – I have good taste," he said, trying to lighten the atmosphere. He was grateful for the small chuckle his joke elicited. "You're amazing, and caring, and funny, and _strong_ ; you've been dealing with this – whatever – and I can tell it's a struggle, but you're doing it and you still smile."

"I've been a wreck!" Heero argued with a self-deprecating laugh.

"I think you're handling it with grace."

Heero faced him, a pensive look in his eyes. "You always say the nicest things."

"That's because I'm a good roommate, I'm a good friend, I'm a good lover-"

"Eh, you'll get there," Heero deadpanned.

Duo's eyes widened at the joke, but he continued undeterred: "And I'd be a good boyfriend too. I know you're not in love with me, _yet_ ," he emphasized, "but when two people start dating, they don't have to be in love right off the bat. You say you like me and that you're attracted to me; isn't that enough to give me a chance and see what will come?" Duo suspected Heero was much closer to falling in love with him than he was willing to admit, to either of them.

The blue eyes turned sad; a sudden storm of emotion clouded them. "I don't deserve you, Duo."

He leaned in close, wanting to kiss those lips and make him forget about whatever it was that made him look so heartbroken and discontent with himself. "Maybe you should let me be the judge of that…"

Heero inched closer, drawn to him. Their lips were nearly touching and Duo could feel the electricity between them, the sparks tingled on his lips. Duo felt Heero's breath on him as he whispered: "Can we please just stay friends?"

He swallowed the lump in his throat – either his heart or his stomach – and all else he could do was nod.

* * *

X

* * *

No more than two days later, they wound up in bed together again. The details of how it all started were fuzzy in Duo's mind; most of what was happening wasn't registering. They met in the bathroom. Of all things, Heero had been plucking his eyebrows and Duo watched for a minute, self-consciously tracing a finger along his own bushy brows – he always kind of liked their unkempt appearance; they looked masculine, and as long as he didn't have a unibrow, he figured he should leave them as they were.

He asked if it was okay to take a quick shower, and Heero offhandedly reminded him that they'd seen each other naked – and up close – at that point, so he wasn't bothered. Duo stripped on the spot, pretending not to notice that Heero's gaze darted back and forth between their reflections in the mirror. When Duo emerged from the shower stall – wet, steamy and unabashedly naked – his roommate was in the process of applying lip balm, swirling his ring finger in the small, metal container and dabbing it onto his lip. His hand froze mid-task as Duo came to stand behind him.

Next thing Duo knew, they were in the narrow hallway, meaning to go in opposite directions, but as their bodies brushed by each other, they both halted. Then he had Heero pressed against the wall and rutted against him while he attacked his lips, tasting the subtle, cherry flavor of the balm. He carried the smaller man into his bedroom, the towel around his waist had dropped along the way.

Heero was on all fours again – he had insisted – and seemed more than content to let Duo ram into him, but Duo wasn't satisfied. Following the last time, he did some preemptive Googling – in preparation of them losing control around each other again – and informed himself on the most favorable sex positions for the receiving partner, with regard to prostate stimulation. He just wanted to make sure it was the best possible experience for Heero; he'd feel selfish otherwise.

"Is this, like…good for the prostate?" Heero let out a breathy chuckle but didn't answer him – although maybe the chuckle should've been taken as an answer in its own right. "I'm serious – I want to make you feel good."

"It _is_ good, don't worry about it."

"But…" Duo chewed on his lips. "What's the best way to hit your prostate?" Google already told him the answer, but he wanted Heero to tell him; maybe it was different for him.

He gasped and stilled the movement of his hips when Heero gripped his muscles tightly around him; Heero threw a look over his shoulder and growled: "This isn't a fucking class at the learning annex."

"I just want to experience giving you that pleasure."

"Duo, you're fucking _thick_ ; you've been stimulating my prostate the entire time." Heero sounded impatient and squeezed his muscles around him, this time in an attempt to prompt him to start moving again.

"But there are better positions, right?" Duo understood that he might be overthinking it and ruining the mood with all of his questions, but he didn't know why Heero was being so resistant. Then a thought occurred to him. "Is on your back the best position?" That had been the consensus on that one forum he spent way too much time on.

"Jesus… Duo."

"Why don't you want to be on your back? Why won't you let me see you?"

"Fuck." Heero straightened up, arching his back so his shoulders rested against Duo's chest. He reached an arm back and grabbed the base of Duo's braid, pulling his head forward so they were cheek to cheek. "It's usually good like this. Pull out nearly all the way and push back in, _hard_." He sounded irritable.

Duo followed his instructions to a T and as he slammed back in, Heero clenched his jaw shut and threw his head back on Duo's shoulder. Finally, he could see his face – if only one side of it – and the myriad of emotions and sensations expressed by the most minute changes of his features were mesmerizing. He repeated the action a few more times, watching Heero's reactions closely and feeling him tighten around him; he soon figured out exactly where the sweet spot was located, and how to angle both their pelvises and thrust into him for the strongest effect.

"Uhh… Nnnn. Stop-… Stop staring at me."

Duo didn't know how Heero even knew he had been gawking at him – those blue eyes were squeezed shut the entire time. Cheekily, he responded: "You said it was okay to _look_. You liked it, remember? Open your eyes, see how I'm looking at you right now."

Heero cracked his eyes open and peered at him distrusting, but Duo knew he would see nothing but lust, love and admiration. He closed his eyes again and opened his mouth to moan.

"You're perfect," Duo whispered in his ear. He let his hands play with the pert nipples and massage the tight stomach, before reaching down and grabbing Heero's neglected erection; the blue eyes flew open again and there was a flicker of panic. "It's okay," Duo assured him, kissing the shell of his ear. "I love feeling you in my hand – so hot, so hard…"

Heero's eyebrows pinched into a frown and for a moment his expression was one of confusion, as if he had to figure out whether or not he enjoyed Duo's fist pumping up and down his length and thumbing the sensitive head. Eventually his features relaxed, and he surrendered to the sensations he was subjected to, both inside and out.

Duo stroked one hand up and down his erection, and the other hand up and down his stomach, feeling the muscles flutter under his touch. He kissed his neck and his cheek, wishing to kiss his lips but he couldn't reach further than the corner of his mouth. He was lightheaded; he was in a state of euphoria that he normally couldn't achieve until after his orgasm. "I've never felt this way before…"

"Don't," Heero warned him not to get too sappy on him. "Ahh! Hold my hips and fuck me hard. Make it deep and hard!"

Duo did as he was told, adjusting his grip on Heero's body and thrusting into him powerfully. They were both getting close to their climax, but Heero wasn't touching himself, making Duo wonder if he could come without direct stimulation. "Shouldn't you jerk yourself off?" He asked through gritted teeth.

"I want you to come first."

He promptly did – he slammed his pelvis against Heero, burying himself to the hilt. His body went rigid with the force of his climax. The small, intimate gesture of Heero covering his hands on his hips with his own added to Duo's high. He sunk his teeth into the shoulder in front of him as he rode out his orgasm. Once he was starting to relax, he smoothed over the imprint of his teeth with his tongue.

Heero brought himself to completion quickly, more like an afterthought, before Duo's spent manhood would go soft and he'd have to pull away to get rid of the condom. He came with another whimper, catching his come in his palm. When he noticed that Duo had been looking down at him pleasuring himself over his shoulder, he became tense and irritable. "Get out, before you lose that condom inside me."

Duo didn't know why, but the magic had definitely gone.

* * *

 **Time to place your bets on what you think "the secret" is! Last chance! ;)**

* * *

 _ **Chapter SEVEN – Her**_ **will post on 02/19/2017**


	7. Chapter 7

**CaseyCuervo: Afterthis chapter you'll finally know :P**

 **Mikagirl: There will definitely be more steaminess later on in the story! I hope you'll keep reading and reviewing. Thanks! :)**

 **Wu the Stoic: I'm kind of worried you (and everyone else) might be disappointed in the secret because I don't think it's a big shocker but it seems like every reader is expecting it to be… I hope you'll like it. Let me know what you think of this chapter and the reveal.**

 **Violetyuy: The wait is finally over :)**

 **Guest: thanks!**

 **Duaimei: In a nutshell: yeah :P**

 **Hikaru Itsuko: At least you didn't have to wait long :P**

* * *

 **Author's note:**

 **After this chapter, "the secret" is no secret anymore. Although, technically, you could have known even before the start of the first chapter; it's literally in the warnings :P Let me know what you think.**

* * *

 **READ THE GENERAL WARNINGS AT THE START OF THE FIRST CHAPTER.**

* * *

 **Beta: Shima Yi**

* * *

 **The Neon Spectrum**

 _Not limited to black and white._

 _Not dulled to shades of gray._

 _The spectrum is neon._

 **Chapter SEVEN - Her**

They didn't have sex again and nothing changed about their friendship. Maybe he should have been grateful that nothing had been damaged, but Duo resented the lack of change. Heero acted like nothing had happened. The American thought they were making progress, but even after two tousles in the sack, he had still been friend-zoned all the same.

He couldn't help but feel like he failed an audition, but he didn't know what he did wrong. All he wanted was to be an attentive lover; naturally, that meant having some questions. Was Heero really upset about him asking how to stimulate his prostate better? It would be a silly thing to be upset about, in Duo's opinion, especially considering the favorable results once they did change their position.

He wished he could talk to Heero about it, but he didn't want to come across as the clueless idiot that his friend already took him for, and further irk him with his lack of experience. He considered taking his problems to Quatre, but decided against it. He couldn't trust the blond not to interfere – since he was caught between two camps – and he'd probably just tell Duo what a huge mistake he was making, and remind of that damn secret that was supposed to be such a big deal but no one would tell him about.

He turned to the only other person he could think of: Hilde.

She looked agitated seated across from him at the same lunch room as ever, listening to him talk about what had transpired between him and Heero. Honestly, she had no right to give him attitude about this – _this_ being all her fault after all. If she had kept her smart mouth shut, Duo could have continued to live in a blissful state of ignorance.

"Maybe you should just take the hint," she surmised before he even finished telling the story. She had her arms crossed and hadn't even touched her salmon linguine yet.

"The hint?"

She rolled her eyes. "Come on, Duo. You had sex; you gave it the good ol' college try. It didn't work. He's not into you."

"But he is! He wanted me, I saw that, with my own two goddamn eyes," he burst, not caring about the stares he was getting from the old ladies seated one table over. "He's holding back for some reason."

"If that's true," Hilde interjected, " _If_ he really is interested, but decided not to act on that, then the hint is still the same: forget about it." She stabbed her fork into her pasta, but then changed her mind and drank from her wine instead.

Duo frowned at her. She wasn't herself. "What's gotten into you?"

"Duo, I've listened to you whine about Heero for over half a year now. There's nothing left to say."

"You _told_ me to go for it!"

"Yeah! And you did. You made a good effort, kudos. But it's just not happening. At a certain point, a good friend – which I am – has to stop supporting these useless endeavors and give you a reality check. This is it."

"Wow…" Duo stared down into his glass of wine. "If I had known you'd be like this, I might as well have gone to Quatre…" he muttered bitterly.

"Sorry, Duo, but I'm not your on-call Doctor Feel-Good." She took a bite of her pasta only to make a face at the fact that it had gone cold. She put the fork down again and seemed torn about whether or not she wanted to continue the discussion. She leaned forward, putting her elbows on the table and asked him: "When was the last time you've even asked me how I was doing?"

Duo blinked up at her and immediately felt extremely guilty; he couldn't remember when they last talked about her life.

"I've hardly seen you since Heero's birthday. And whenever we meet up, he's all you ever want to talk about. I've always been fine with being your Plan B whenever you can't hang out with Quat – or don't want to, apparently – but the least you could do is not ignore me."

"You're right. God, you're so right."

"You've always been obsessed with him, but this is new level."

He nodded in agreement. "Totally. I get it. I'm sorry; I didn't mean to make you feel ignored. I'll be a better friend from now on; if not, you are free to kick me under the table."

"Okay. I will." Hilde took another bite of her pasta and made the same face; it was still cold.

Duo readjusted in his seat and leaned forward to give her his undivided attention. "So… What's new with you? Tell me everything."

Hilde shrugged and finished her wine. "Nothing to say really."

"Come on! I'm not just asking; I really want to know. I care about you!"

"Sure, how could you not?" She flashed him a smirk. "But really, there's nothing to say."

Duo laughed. If she had nothing to share, couldn't she have let him rant on about Heero for a little longer? "No new beau?"

She made a noncommittal, little sound. "Not quite."

"What does that mean?"

"It means I'm working on it."

"Meow," he purred at her sassy turn. "Go get 'im, girl."

She laughed uncomfortably and brought the wine glass to her mouth again, tilting it against her lips to drink the very few last drops.

They were supposed to go to the movie theater after lunch, but once Duo flagged down a waiter to tell him to rush with the check or else they wouldn't catch the movie on time, Hilde told him that she forgot about other plans she had for the afternoon, and needed to skip out on the movie. Duo didn't even get the chance to question her lame and vague excuse; she wished him a nice day, grabbed her purse and walked away in a hurry.

He assumed he had a lot of making up to do for his neglectful behavior of the past few months.

* * *

X

* * *

It was a Saturday and Duo had to work at the shop. They had been restoring a vintage Ford for a photoshoot, but the paint job had been botched, and the redo delayed their reassembly of the car. With the photoshoot on Monday, and the car still in bits and pieces in the shop, it was all-hands on deck. At least it was better than the usual, Saturday morning oil changes.

Just as he was getting ready to leave the apartment, Heero emerged from his bedroom and headed straight for the coffee machine.

"Good morning, doll," Duo quipped.

"Good morning, loverboy," Heero teased right back. The way he rolled his R was incredibly sexy.

"Busy day ahead?"

"Hm. Oh, yeah, su~per busy," he deadpanned as it was clear he had a well-deserved day of doing nothing ahead of him. "You?"

"The Ford."

"Aw, Miss Splotchy getting ready for her close-up."

Duo chuckled. "They redid the paint job; she'll look flawless once she's all put together. Mark will be watching us like a hawk to make sure we don't scratch her."

Heero mock-gasped. "But what if she likes it a little rough?"

Duo happily played along. He knew Heero still wanted him – it was obvious in the way he kept playing with him – but he didn't understand why Heero didn't just _take_ him; after all, he had been presenting himself on a silver platter. "Nah, classy lady like her likes it smooth and loving."

"You don't know her. Don't judge a book by its cover." Heero's tone became more serious, which caught Duo off-guard; then he shrugged and cradled his coffee mug in his hands, taking the first, grateful sip to wake him up.

The American closed the lid on the plastic container in his hands, sealing in his lunch. He looked at his fingers; they were clean now, but they would be greasy by the end of the day – he enjoyed the thought of that. His hands were big, and roughened by ten years of manual labor. They were nothing like Heero's hands, which were slender and soft, with manicured and painted nails. His gaze drifted from his own hands to Heero's, and goosebumps appeared on his skin as he remembered the feel of those long fingers delving into his hair and caressing down his arms, even though their second and last time was nearly two weeks ago.

"Pizza night tonight or do you have plans?" Duo asked, clearing his throat first but his voice still sounded strained.

Heero hardly ever made plans for Saturday evenings anymore; Duo suspected it was because he enjoyed their nights on the couch together as much as he did. "I'm all yours." He smiled sheepishly and pretended it was a slip of the tongue, but his seductive tone suggested it was anything but accidental. "I mean: I don't have any plans."

Duo met his gaze, submerging in those pools of blue. A shiver passed through him. "Cool." He glanced down at his watch and realized he was running late. "I have to go, shit! I guess I'll be home around six? Six thirty?"

His roommate quirked an eyebrow at him. "Don't ask me, I don't know."

"Right." He shook his head at how awkward he was being. "Probably closer to six thirty."

"Hmhm," Heero agreed. "Beauty takes time."

"What?"

"The car."

"Oh, right. I'll see you tonight." With big steps, Duo walked towards the door.

"See ya."

He waved goodbye halfheartedly and then left the apartment, breaking out into a jog to make up for some of the lost time. When he arrived at the shop, Jamie was out front, standing in the pretty clerk's personal space. Duo intended to ignore his homophobic colleague, but as he walked past the counter to the door in the back, Jamie commented on his tardiness.

"You're late."

Duo halted and checked his watch. " _Three_ minutes."

"Late is late, Maxwell." Jamie sounded victorious, like an annoying little brother who was going to tell mommy on you.

"I'm sure Mark will forgive me. I see you're hard at work," he deadpanned.

"I just needed Alicia to print me a new copy of my work schedule."

"He keeps losing his worksheets," the pretty girl supplied.

"I'm sure he does." Duo walked away and took a second to calm himself by his work stations, before going into the main work area of the shop where two of his colleagues and his supervisor were already at work assembling the Ford.

"Sorry I'm late, Mark."

The older man made a dismissive gesture. "It's fine, I'm just relieved you could come in on short notice."

"No problem, got to get her ready for her close-up with Mister DeMille."

Mark frowned, the reference went right over his head. "Mister DeMille?"

"Yeah. Sunset Boulevard? It's a classic movie."

Mark laughed it off. "The only classics I know are on four wheels, Maxwell."

"Yeah," Jamie interjected himself into the exchange as he walked in. "Me too. But you know Maxwell, Mark. He's more 'sensitive' than us."

Mark didn't catch the jab and simply went to work, clapping his hands and urging his employees to work quickly but carefully. Duo, however, did take note of the insult, but he wasn't going to let Jamie bait him. He wished Quatre had never extended the younger guy a pity invite to his birthday. Not only did Jamie behave like the total asshole he was to Heero, it seemed he had formed some interesting opinions about his coworker since meeting his gay best friend and his gay roommate. Duo knew damn well what kind of assumptions Jamie made, and he was fine with them. He didn't mind anyone thinking that he was gay, even if it wasn't the whole story; guys like Jamie weren't entitled to the whole story anyway. Getting harassed about his supposed sexuality wasn't anything new to Duo either, but it did hit him harder than it used to.

Heero had been right: it was harder to ignore the hate when it didn't hit home anyway; now that he knew the truth about himself, he felt more attacked when someone questioned his masculinity. Not because he ever doubted his masculinity, but because no one had the right to assume he was any less of a man because he could also be attracted to other man. More importantly, no one had the right to imply that being a less masculine man – like being more "sensitive" – was a bad thing. Quatre and Heero definitely weren't masculine, but considering that they have been dealing with this kind of homophobic bullshit their entire lives, and still braved the world as their authentic, non-masculine selves; they were bigger and stronger men than weasels like Jamie.

During the morning, Mark berated Duo a couple of times for manhandling parts and not being mindful enough of his tools. He hadn't caused any damage, but he wasn't being as careful as he should have been, losing himself to angry thoughts. He didn't know why that day was different, and why Jamie had been able to worm his way under his skin all of a sudden, after being able to deflect his attempts at starting a conflict for months now. But he had an inkling suspicion it had something to do with his frustration at how things were going between him and Heero.

Their friendship was better than ever, but Duo had gotten a taste of something even more perfect, and as a result, the friendship he had craved ever since moving in with the Japanese man was no longer enough. He wanted more, and Heero wanted more too, but the man refused to let them have it.

Jamie became a lightning rod for pent-up frustration.

During lunch break, it went wrong.

Duo retreated to his own little workstation, away from the rest of the guys, and played a silly game on his phone to keep anyone from talking to him. The Game-Over screen had flashed something like six times by the time Jamie poked his head into Duo's private area. He looked up from his phone briefly, to confirm it wasn't Mark needing him for anything. Seeing Jamie's stupid grin, he quickly redirected his attention to the game and took a big bite from his sandwich, hoping his unwelcome coworker would take the hint.

No such luck. "I think you might have dented the back bumper."

Duo's brows pinched together. He was pretty sure he hadn't, but his heart still skipped a beat and his palms became sweaty at the possibility. "No, I didn't," he argued with a mouth full, but he didn't even sound sure of himself.

"Yeah, man. There's totally a dent in the rear bumper, and you were the one who attached it, right?"

Duo grumbled under his breath; he put aside his lunch and phone, then got up from his stool. He pushed past Jamie – who didn't step aside to make room for him in the doorway – and walked onto the main floor. The other guys were lounging around, not paying the two any attention, since they were on their hard-earned break. He walked around the car and looked down at the chrome bumper. He couldn't see any flaws in the surface; still, he kneeled down to examine the shiny surface more closely. That was when he noticed a small dent to the right of where the license plate would be. Mortified, he ran his thumb by it, feeling the dip in the metal. He searched his memory, but if he had been too rough when he mounted it, he would have – at most – scratched it as he put it in place. He had done nothing that could have caused a single, so sharply defined dent.

"I didn't do that," Duo objected; his voice was a little squeakier than intended.

"It's cool man. I get it. You're used to handling the rear bumper a little roughly," Jamie quipped with a smirk.

Duo sprang upright and stepped close, making sure to remind Jamie how much taller and bigger he was – feeling the need to, all of a sudden. There was definitely a spike of testosterone in his blood. "I didn't do that!" He bellowed.

The other three men looked up from their lunch.

" _You_ put it on there," Jamie pointed out.

"I didn't cause that random-ass dent, Jamie!" He poked his finger into the other's chest.

Mark rose from his seat and rushed over. He crouched by the rear fender and traced around the dent with his fingers. His panicked expression transitioned into relief. "It's okay, Duo, it's clean. We can punch and polish it out."

"I didn't do it!" He insisted. He fixed a dangerous glare on Jamie. "You set me up!"

"What the fuck?"

"You made that dent on purpose!" Duo accused. "Why? Just so you could make that lame rear-bumper-joke? What is your fucking deal?"

Jaimie raised his hands and looked to the others for support. "I didn't do shit, man. Calm the fuck down."

"Rather than bickering, you two should just get to work on getting this chrome smoothed out again," Mark tried, physically inserting himself between the men.

"Boss, this is bullshit! Jamie is trying to fuck with me!"

The younger man scrunched up his face. "You _wish_. Goddamn drama queen."

Duo's arm snaked out with lightning speed, right by Mark's shoulder which was unable to block him. His fingers twisted into the fabric of Jamie's grey overalls, and he ripped the other man off his balance and towards him, not even mindful of the fact that Jamie crashed into their boss as Duo pulled the bully to him. "Go ahead, say it!" _Please call me a Faggot so I can punch your lights out._ He wanted to punch Jamie in his smug face ever since Heero told him what Jamie had done and said the last time he came to the workshop.

Strong fingers grabbed his wrist. Not Jamie's, but Mark's. "Duo," the older man warned, "let go of him right now." His tone left no room for argument.

Duo unclenched his fist; once he was free, Jamie took a step back. Duo kept his dangerous glare fixed on him until his boss spoke again.

"You're done for today."

He blinked at Mark. "What?"

"You damn well heard me, Maxwell. You're _done_. Get your ass out of my shop and don't come back until you've sorted out whatever it is that needs sorting out."

"I'm fine!"

Mark simply shook his head and that was the end of the discussion.

The sudden rage left him with a racing heartbeat and labored breath. After a moment of silence and shock, Duo retreated, ducking his head between his shoulders. With every passing second, he understood his own anger less and less. He grabbed his phone and what was left of his lunch, and he headed out.

"Hey, Duo. Punching out early?" Alicia asked. It wasn't like him to leave before the workday was over. He didn't respond. He pushed the door open and left.

He thought he could handle it. He thought he had been handling it. But clearly, he had been mistaken.

The secrets, the unrequited affection, the confusion, the sexual tension, the arguments with Quatre and Hilde and constantly worrying about Heero… It was too much. He hadn't realized how thin he was spread, like too little butter on too much bread, until Jamie took a bite. Hilde was right: he was too obsessed and it wasn't healthy and it wasn't doing anyone any good. Something had to change, because he hadn't been himself lately and he liked being himself. Either Heero had to get past himself and give Duo another chance, or the teasing and the confusing "platonic" closeness had to stop; it wasn't just playing with his heart anymore, it was fucking with his mind.

To ensure that he wouldn't blow up again during his confrontation with Heero, Duo took a detour through the park and planted himself on a bench for half an hour, taking a breather. He tried to figure out how to approach it best.

"Just tell me your secret and let me decide if I can handle it or not. I don't need you to protect me," he rehearsed as he started on his way home. He talked disjointedly to himself: "Give me a chance... I'll prove you wrong… I know you want this too… Why don't you trust me?"

He felt conflicted about him dumping his feelings on Heero on his day off. It seemed like he had really been looking forward to spending a quiet day by himself, but he couldn't keep everything bottled up any longer. He couldn't go home and pretend like he hadn't wanted to choke the life out of someone.

Standing in front of the door to their apartment, Duo took one last, deep breath and it came out trembling. He was scared about presenting Heero with an ultimatum; he feared Heero had already given him an answer and – right or wrong – wasn't going to budge. But he had to try. He had to make one last effort, and if he had to let it go, then maybe now he would finally be able to.

He could already hear the music on the other side of the door: a pop song from the nineties. When he opened the door, the music became louder instantly.

"Heero?" Duo called out, but at that volume, he knew it was useless. He closed the door behind him and walked further into the apartment, looking left and right to confirm that Heero wasn't in the living room or in the kitchen. He stood at the mouth of the hallway and looked down at the door at the very end.

The door was open, which never happened. Heero kept his bedroom private. In four years, Duo had never been allowed to step foot in his room and had only caught glimpses when he happened to be in the hallway while Heero slipped in or out of it It was one of those weird things that his roommate did to keep him at arm's length.

He felt guilty, like he was doing something forbidden – and he probably was – but hey, the door _was_ open. He paused and studied the part of the bedroom that he could look into. He saw a modern, white dresser and part of the bed; a black, iron frame, white, satin sheets and a fluffy, sheepskin rug underneath. Tossed into the corner were a ton of throw pillows, and the floor was littered with discarded clothes.

 _I presume that's not Chanel on the floor_ , Duo thought to himself, bemused. "Heero?" It was hopeless with the way the female vocalist was belting and riffing for her life. He headed down the hallway and two voices whispered in either ear.

 _Don't do it, you're not allowed. The door might be open_ _,_ _but he wasn't expecting you to be home_.

 _Go for it. It's another one of his stupid rules. Besides, it's better to ask for forgiveness than permission._

Before he could even give either thought the consideration that it deserved, he was already standing in the doorway although he couldn't even remember taking the last three steps down the hallway.

The bedroom was simple – sparsely, yet elegantly, decorated. The double doors of the big closet were swung open and clothes poured out. The curtains on the window were drawn.

Directly to the right of the door was a well-lit, white vanity, the surface cluttered with small items that didn't immediately register with Duo. His gaze concluded the room-tour settling on his roommate, seated in front of the mirror.

His eyes widened; Duo's presence going unnoticed by Heero couldn't have lasted longer than two seconds, but it was enough for Duo to see everything that he wasn't supposed to see.

Heero sat with both feet planted on the floor, fit into black pumps with an impossibly high heel that forced his feet to arch. He was dressed – barely dressed – in thigh-high stockings with a lace trim, black, lace panties and a matching bralette top that fell shapelessly down his flat chest. His bangs were pinned back with a sparkling hair clip. He looked at his own reflection with absolute concentration, applying an oxblood lipstick to complement the dark, smoky eye make-up.

 _He's a woman_ , Duo's mind supplied, with disregard for the oxymoron.

Heero's hand, holding the tube of lipstick, stilled and panic flashed in his eyes before he even took his eyes off his own reflection. He looked up at Duo. Time slowed down further, and the one observation that occurred to Duo was how his blue eyes looked even more beautiful framed by the black eyeliner, and contrasted with warm shades of brown and copper eyeshadow. That was entirely unhelpful. He stared, wide-eyed and shocked, not able to form his expression into something appropriate in the split second in which it all happened.

The poppy track stopped playing.

Heero slammed the lipstick down on the surface of the vanity, smearing the white with oxblood red. He covered himself with his hands as Duo kept staring. He placed one arm across his chest and lay the other hand down over his crotch. "Duo!" His voice was hoarse.

The next song started, blasting from the speakers, drowning out all sound, but there was no mistaking what Heero was saying as he screamed at Duo and tears streamed down his face. "GET OUT! GET OUT!"

Duo was frozen. He wasn't helping the situation by standing there, but he didn't want to just walk away. He wanted to say something comforting and reassuring, but his brain was drawing a blank and he lingered in the doorway as he struggled for words.

"GET OUT!" Heero doubled over to further shield himself and drew his knees up. Curled in on himself, he cried, letting out the most heart wrenching wails. With his groin out of sight thanks to his legs, he used that hand to hide his face.

There were no words. There was nothing Duo could offer him. He stepped out of the bedroom and then ran out of the apartment.

* * *

X

* * *

His feet took him to the park and he sat down on the same bench that he had occupied only fifteen minutes earlier. He would have laughed at himself if he felt like laughing. _As if taking a breather in the damn park was going to help anything!_

A small flock of ducks climbed out of the water and tentatively approached him, assuming he would be feeding them, like some old lady. Duo stomped his feet and waved his arms to chase them away, and they scattered back into the water.

Feeling lightheaded, he leaned forward and put his head between his knees. He took slow breaths to encourage the initial shock to wear off. All the things Heero said to Duo over the past couple of months, that didn't make much sense at the time, rushed back, pushing and pulling to be at the forefront of his thoughts. Everything fell into place – the reluctance to let Duo touch his penis during sex wasn't to spare his fragile I'm-new-to-all-of-this mind; it was because Heero was uncomfortable with it! Logan had encountered the same problem.

" _I'm too much of a man for the 'straight' boys and I'm not man enough for the gay boys,"_ Heero told him.

Even his day-to-day fashion had been part of the puzzle: he tried to dress himself more masculine from time to time, but mostly he just wanted to look as feminine as he could without resorting to cross-dressing in public – that he did in the privacy of his room. Finally, Duo also understood why – for four years – he wasn't allowed to even see into Heero's room; because his roommate didn't want him to see the make-up and the clothes and the shoes.

Not to mention all the little mannerisms that seemed much more women-like than something a man would do; little gestures that Duo had always brushed off as an expression of him being gay.

Heero was transgender…or transsexual? Duo would have to do more reading to figure out the distinction. His knowledge on the grey area of gender-identity was embarrassingly limited. He felt selfish for having spent so much time and effort exploring his own grey area – that of sexual attraction – without ever bothering to look beyond himself and really educate himself. Maybe if he had, he would have noticed sooner.

In hindsight – as the storm in his mind calmed – what shocked Duo most was how he had missed the signs. They seemed so obvious in retrospect. He resented himself for not having been more sensitive to the clues, then it wouldn't have caught him off guard and he wouldn't have reacted like such an idiot.

He groaned into his palms, visualizing what he must have looked like just _standing_ there, staring at him, with his eyes wide and his mouth probably open too. He couldn't remember if his mouth had been agape; all he could remember was the wrecked expression on Heero's face as he knew his secret had been uncovered. His eyes had spoken volumes. Shame. Panic. Regret. Self-loathing. Things he must have been feeling for a long time, and then his roommate barges in and doesn't help matters by just staring at him like he was some kind of oddity.

Duo didn't know how long he stayed on that park bench, but he was drawing attention to himself. He relocated to a coffee shop where he found a poorly lit booth in the back so he could be alone with his thoughts. He ordered coffee, but didn't drink from the mug; he only ever really liked the coffee at home anyway. The taste of the coffee from their own coffee machine was the taste of home, and nothing could compete with that.

Cocooned in the cozy coffee shop he spent several more hours alone with his thoughts. Most of it was spent trying to imagine what Heero's life must have been like, and wondering when the Japanese man started to realize how different he was from others. Duo couldn't deny that he pitied him – that, in and of itself, made him feel even more guilty and self-conscious of his own privilege. Only one thing was apparent to him right away: he wasn't bothered by the thought of Heero being transgender or transsexual – damn, he'd really have to spent some quality time with Google to figure out what the right term would be. In fact, he wondered if that was the exact reason why he was attracted to Heero in the first place; maybe Heero was the exception to his heterosexuality because Heero wasn't really a man? But then again, he got really aroused being aware of Heero being a man when they had sex, and he enjoyed touching his body; enveloping his erection with his hand had given him a rush.

It was almost eleven at night when Duo knew he couldn't hide out at the coffee shop forever; the barista alerted him that the shop would be closing soon. Duo considered calling Quatre so he could spend the night at his place – to give Heero more space – but he didn't want his roommate to think that he was avoiding him because he was disgusted. He wanted to do the right thing, but he didn't know what that was. He decided to take the honest approach and _ask_.

He reached for his phone and typed to "Just my roommate": i **want to come home. But if u need time or space, i can stay at Quatre's.**

He pressed "send" and waited. There was a delay as he imagined Heero might be avoiding his texts, but then the other answered in rapid succession:

 _ **Are u at Quatre's?**_

 _ **Did u talk to him?**_

 _ **Did he say anything?**_

Duo didn't understand his concern. The secret was out; there was nothing left for Quatre to spill and Heero had to know that. He replied: **No, i'm at a coffee shop. What i meant is i could go spend the night at Q's, if that's what u want.**

" _Just my roommate is typing…"_

Then nothing.

The barista ushered him out of the shop so he could close up. Duo walked aimlessly through the streets, staring down at his phone.

" _Just my roommate is typing…"_

 _ **It's fine. It's your apartment too.**_

He was relieved by the response, taking it as a positive sign, although Heero was obviously less than enthusiastic.

 _ **i don't want to talk**_ , Heero added.

 **OK** , he typed, **i'm coming home.**

The apartment was dark and dead quiet. Walking down the hallway to his bedroom halfway, he saw the sliver of light under Heero's door, giving away that he was still up. Duo respected his request and didn't try to talk to him, even though he was dying to offer some words of reassurance, regardless of how hard he might fail to actually provide any comfort, given the situation. He changed out of his clothes and lay in bed. The pillow still smelled like Heero; Duo changed the sheets after they had sex in his bed, but he didn't change the pillow cases. He enjoyed the scent too much. He regretted that it was fading. Maybe it didn't even smell like Heero at all anymore, and it was just in his head.

Restless, he stared up at the ceiling, then decided to send one more text for the evening.

 **i know.**

Two minutes later, Quatre replied: _**Come over 1st thing tomorrow**_.

* * *

X

* * *

Against expectation, Duo managed to get some sleep, drifting off somewhere around four AM; the next time he looked at the clock, it was nine o'clock in the morning. He looked and felt like a mess. He took a long shower and made himself breakfast and coffee. Heero was still hiding in his room. Duo could hear him quietly moving around, but it was obvious he didn't want to come out and run into Duo. Knowing he'd have to go to the bathroom and get himself food and something to drink, he knew it was a good thing he was going to meet Quatre. Heero needed some more space and time before any sort of confrontation could happen.

Duo was still in his sweats and a T-shirt, but he didn't bother getting dressed. He penned a quick note and stuck it to the refrigerator door.

 _I won't be back until the afternoon, I promise. And I'll text before I come home. I know you need me to not be around right now. Please let me know when you want to talk. I want to talk. I still love you, Heero._

He stepped into his shoes and left, making sure to close the door behind him loudly, so Heero would know he was gone. He didn't have to wait long for an Uber to come pick him up and take him to Quatre's house. He felt some trepidation as he stood on the doorstep and rang the bell. He wondered what Quare was going to tell him: was he going to help him understand, or was he going to rub his face in the fact that he shouldn't have gotten so involved before knowing "The Secret"?

The door was opened by Trowa; he didn't greet him, but with a little smile he simply said: "You look exactly the way I expected you to."

Duo's hair was still damp and disheveled, pulled back in a messy ponytail; his clothes were wrinkled; he knew he had bags under his eyes, so big the term "totes" came to mind as he appraised himself in the mirror earlier that morning. "Thanks."

"Come in." Trowa stepped aside to make room for him.

"Breakfast room?"

Trowa nodded.

Duo strode across the foyer, through the living room and navigated around the staff in the kitchen – nodding in response to their polite greetings. He found his blond friend where he knew he would be: seated at the table in the breakfast nook, looking a little less put together than normal. He must have had a restless night too, after receiving Duo's message.

"Hey," Duo said to announce his presence.

Quatre looked up from the croissant that he hadn't touched. "Duo, hey. Sit down." He gestured to the seat at the head of the table.

In a split second, Duo felt like a kid being called to the principal's office. He sat down with a nervous chuckle.

"So you know?" Quatre verified.

He released a sigh. "I sure do."

"How? Did he tell you?" His tone was skeptical.

"No." Duo frowned. "I assumed he would have called you…"

"I haven't heard from him. Why?"

"He was really upset." A thought occurred to him. "Or… _she_?"

Quatre's face was unreadable, offering him no clarity, making him doubt the pronoun all the more. "Why? What happened?"

"I walked in on him – her –… him. I- I don't want to sound insensitive, but I don't know," he rambled.

"But you said you _know_."

"I meant I know he's transsexual. Because I saw it."

Quatre's blond eyebrows pinched together. "Heero isn't transsexual."

"Transgender?" Duo tried. He didn't want to insult anyone – least of all Heero – by using the wrong terms, but he just didn't know any better.

Quatre shook his head. In that moment, Trowa appeared in the archway of the breakfast room; Quatre looked to him for guidance.

"What, exactly, do you think you know?" The tall man asked. He folded his arms and leaned his shoulder against the wooden frame of the arch.

"I came home early, unexpectedly. I got into a fight with Jamie at work –" At seeing their raised eyebrows he made a dismissive gesture, "– that's not important. It just meant I got sent home after lunch; Heero wasn't expecting me to be home until six. His bedroom door was open. I- I wasn't thinking! Or maybe I was. I don't know!"

"What did you see?" Trowa pressed.

"Her!" Duo shouted and, from the sudden silence in the kitchen, it was clear that he startled the staff with his outburst. "I saw _her_." It felt wrong to refer to Heero as "him" when speaking of the moment, even though both Trowa and Quatre nearly flinched at him using the female pronoun. "I saw Heero wearing panties, and stockings, and pumps, and lipstick, and eyeshadow!"

Quatre's eyes widened and he turned to his partner again for help.

Trowa was the epitome of calm, as he could always be counted on being. "Okay."

" _Okay_?" Duo mirrored. "Excuse me for not being cool as a cucumber right now. But I just found out that the man I am in love with is a woman. It is _not_ okay – not because I'm not okay with him, but because of the look on his face. Heero was _not okay_."

Trowa gestured for him to calm down and he seated himself at the table. "Heero is not a woman," he started.

Quatre put a hand on his arm, stopping him before he could continue. "Do you really think it's our place to tell him?"

Trowa covered the small hand with his. "Do you think Heero wants to have this conversation with him right now? Duo needs to have a better understanding of the situation before he talks with Heero again."

There was some hesitation on Quatre's behalf – understandable, considering how long they had been protecting Heero's secret – but he nodded and let Trowa elaborate.

The man fixed an amicable, emerald green gaze on Duo and restated: "Heero is not a woman." Before Duo could argue against what he thought was unexpected narrowmindedness, Trowa continued: "Heero is gender fluid. He is neither male nor female, or both," he shrugged casually. "He hasn't figured it all out yet."

"Uhm… I'm confused."

"Gender fluidity? Non-binary gender identity?" Trowa tried.

"I've heard the terms, but…" Duo made a pathetic confused gesture.

"Well, as Quatre and I understand it – based on some reading that we've done, and how Heero has tried to explain it to us – gender isn't one or the other, in the same way that sexuality isn't one or the other, which is commonly accepted nowadays. Just like you are mostly straight – generally attracted to women – but you aren't completely straight, Heero is mostly male, but not completely. It's a spectrum."

"So… Okay…" Duo tried to wrap his brain around it. He put his hands on the table, about two feet apart. "Let's say this is the spectrum of sexuality," he said, looking pointedly at the space between his hands. "If this is gay," he wiggled his left hand, "and this is straight," he indicated with his right hand, "I'm like…. Here." He moved his left hand to point to a spot only a few inches left of his right hand. He put both hands back into position and then announced: "Now, if this is the spectrum of gender, and this is male," _right_ , "and this is female," _left_ , "where would Heero be?" He looked at Trowa and Quatre expectantly.

The two partners shared a look. "It doesn't really work the same," Quatre replied. "Heero isn't on a fixed point. I-" He stopped himself and looked back at Trowa. "I feel uncomfortable telling him this. It feels wrong."

"It's fine," Trowa assured him. "We've tried to help Heero by keeping his secret; now the best way to help him is to give Duo some perspective, so Heero doesn't have to stress about trying to explain this himself. I don't think Duo going in blind and asking him all kinds of questions is going to make matters better. We can ease the way."

The blond nodded, convinced by his partner's logic and he turned his attention back to Duo to finish what he had been saying. "Heero isn't at a fixed point on the spectrum. He told us he's mostly here," he reached out and tapped the table about three quarters of the way to Duo's right hand, indicating that he mostly felt like an effeminate male. "But sometimes he's closer to this end." He dragged his finger towards Duo's left hand until it was very close to it. "This is where he said he was last time I asked. He told me that he's been slipping back and forth from the middle to this end of the spectrum for the past two or three weeks."

"Oh," Duo remarked dumbly.

"I didn't think that meant dressing in lacy underwear, but I do know he's been trying new things – trying new ways to express himself when he's on this end of the spectrum. He's been ordering some women's clothing online. He has it delivered here."

Duo nodded; Quatre did tell him that Heero had his online orders delivered to the Winner-Barton household. He said it was because it was convenient, but now Duo understood it was because Heero didn't want him to even see the packages, being self-conscious about what was inside.

"He says dressing according to the way he's feeling helps put him at ease. It makes him feel more settled when he acknowledges it as something real. It wasn't always like that; he tried denying it for a very long time, but it was eating him up inside."

Duo took a deep breath and sat back. He let his hands slip from the table and cradled them in his lap. "Is it a recent thing?"

"The realization, yes. But I think it's the same as sexuality: you are born with it, but when you come to terms with it is different for everyone. The more complicated and confusing your identity is, the longer it takes, I think."

"You can sympathize with that," Trowa added.

Duo nodded. It took him a long time too because it wasn't as clear-cut as everyone had always told him it was supposed to be. "I don't understand though," he pointedly looked at Quatre, "when I told you that I had feelings for Heero, you got irked because I didn't want to identify myself as gay or straight, or even bi. Obviously, you're aware of the whole spectrum-thing – why did you try to fit me in a box?"

Quatre sighed. "I know…I'm sorry. Honestly, I've been a box-kind-of-guy all my life. I didn't know about Heero for very long, and I was still trying to grasp it. I guess I just _wanted_ you to fit in a box to make it easier on me. It's been quite a roller coaster trying to help Heero through this, with all three of us not really knowing anything about it. It was unfair of me and I'm sorry."

Duo nodded again, accepting the explanation and the apology. He didn't feel like getting upset about it anyway; this wasn't about him. With furrowed eyebrows he wondered: "You keep referring to Heero as 'him'… but shouldn't it be…? I don't know… Is that right?"

"It's what he said he wanted," Trowa answered. "Since he isn't a woman either, he said he didn't like 'she' and 'her', and he especially doesn't like 'they' and 'them'. Regardless of where he's at on the spectrum, he's always been comfortable with 'he' – it's familiar, and he said he doesn't want people to overthink it."

"But when he's dressed like that," the image of Heero in the lingerie flashed before Duo's eyes, "doesn't it feel wrong to say 'he'?"

"We wouldn't really know; we've never seen him fully dressed in feminine attire," Quatre said. "But he told us that he doesn't find 'he' offensive."

"Oh." Another eloquent response.

"Does your head feel like exploding yet?" Trowa joked with an understanding smile.

"Yeah…"

"It's really not as all-changing as it seems right now," he told Duo. "No matter where Heero is on the spectrum, he is still himself. It hasn't affected our friendship with him. He's always just… Heero."

"But I'd understand if it's a little different for you," Quatre interjected. "Since you also… had romantic feelings for him."

"I still do," Duo stated matter-of-factly.

"You do?"

"It's like you said: he's still himself. I'm in love with Heero. I'm not in love with a man, or a woman; I'm in love with _Heero_."

"That's… very progressive and open-minded of you, Duo," Quatre looked hesitant, "but now that you appreciate how complicated matters are, wouldn't you agree that it'd be better – for both you and Heero – if you didn't make things… more complicated? I don't see it working."

"Maybe… but I'm not afraid, and I don't think Heero should have to be either."

With an uncomfortable expression, Quatre admitted: "Well, I told Heero that I didn't think it was a good idea, and he agreed."

"You talked to him about me?" Duo couldn't exactly be offended, since he oftentimes discussed the topic of Heero with Quatre.

"I told him that he really should figure himself out first, before piling on the pressure of another relationship."

"But he was really happy with Logan; he could be happy like that with me! I want to make him happy."

"I know you do – and I'm really impressed with how well you're taking all of this – but don't just jump into anything with the best intentions; I don't want Heero to get disappointed and heartbroken again. At least promise me that you'll think long and hard before you cross a line that can't be uncrossed."

Duo pulled down one corner of his mouth in a sheepishly guilty expression. "Like have sex, you mean?"

Both Quatre's and Trowa's eyes widened and they exclaimed in unison: "You had sex?"

"Twice…"

"Twice?!" They repeated as one.

"… Oops? I guess Heero keeps secrets from everyone."

"When?"

"Two weeks ago."

The partners shared a look, then Quatre said: "Wow… but wasn't he…?"

Duo nodded, knowing what he was referring to. He put his hand on the table in the spot that Quatre had indicated earlier, far into the feminine side of the spectrum. "He didn't really like me looking at him and touching…that. But… it was good." He couldn't stop the silly smirk. "It was great."

"Oh boy…"

Morosely Duo added: "I guess your 'advice' caused him to change his mind though."

"I'm sorry, but maybe that's for the better."

Duo chewed on the inside of his cheek. "Maybe…"

He stayed for lunch, and Quatre steered the conversation toward the mundane, to create an illusion of normalcy after the tense and _intense_ discussion of that morning. Then he sent his longhaired friend home with a comforting hug and whispered, "Give it time – maybe someday," in his ear.

In the backseat of the car, Duo sent his roommate a text message to warn him that he was headed home – like he promised he would – and express hope that Heero would be there. In the meantime he also received a text message from Trowa:

 _ **i told him that we explained everything to u as best we could. He thanked us.**_

He was relieved Heero wasn't angry with his friends for filling in the blanks for him. He didn't want his stupid mistake to cause any more problems than it already had. He hoped that, now that he had some background information, Heero would be willing to talk with him. But when he returned, the apartment was quiet. Duo stood outside Heero's bedroom door, listening for signs that his roommate was home, but there was nothing to be heard.

 _He isn't here. He still doesn't want to see me._

* * *

X

* * *

Heero came home three days later, while Duo was back at work again for the first time. It had been an awkward and tense day, apologizing to Mark and side-stepping Jamie. When Duo arrived home, he knew it wasn't going to be a relaxing evening either. He knew he was coming home to someone as he stood on the other side of the front door; he heard muffled voices and identified the conversation as coming from the television. Silly as it felt, he made sure to rattle his keys, to alert his roommate that he would be coming in. He opened the door and stepped into his own home cautiously.

Heero was seated on the couch, with his knees drawn up to his chest. Balanced on one knee, held steady by his hands, was a cup of coffee. He looked at Duo with uncertain eyes, and then took a sip, stalling for time.

"Hey." Duo breathed a sigh of relief at the sight of the other; the fact that he wasn't sprinting out of the room to avoid him was a good sign. "I'm glad to see you back here." He spoke carefully, mindful of the risk of saying the wrong things.

"Hn."

"Where have you been?"

"Drew's."

Duo nodded; he was grateful that Heero had his girlfriends to turn to – now more than ever. He toed off his work boots. "Can we talk?"

"I think Trowa and Quatre told you everything you need to know."

He tried not to wince at the cold and distant tone. "I'd like to talk to you…if that's okay."

Heero stared at him for a while, his gaze turning defiant. "I don't want to talk."

"Then will you at least listen? I want to apologize." Duo approached the couch but felt compelled to stop midway – Heero's glare was anything but inviting. "I shouldn't have looked into your room uninvited. And I shouldn't have just stood there like a sack of shit," he spoke with self-loathing. "I'm sorry about that. I was surprised, but I wasn't-"

"You don't have to lie to me, Duo," Heero interrupted and he turned his attention back to the news program.

"Lie?"

"Don't lie and say that you weren't horrified… and _disgusted_. I saw the look in your eyes," he spat, refusing to look at Duo again. "And I saw the look in your eyes just now. Pity and fear."

Duo shook his head at Heero misreading him. "No, that's not-"

"Don't lie to me!" Heero snapped and wild eyes regarded him again. "I know how you used to look at me and that's _gone_! I know what I'm seeing now! It's what I always see!" His voice cracked.

Maybe there was some truth to the accusation that Duo wasn't looking at him like he used to before. His gaze used to be lusty as he hungered for his roommate, but at the moment he was too preoccupied with his concerns. However, what Heero failed to realize was that both looks came from the same source: they were both based on his love for him.

"I don't feel differently about you, Heero," Duo promised, even though he knew Heero wasn't in the mindset to believe him. "I still love you."

"Oh, how gracious of you," Heero groused sarcastically.

"I know you're angry with me, and you deserve to be angry with me, so I'm going to let you," Duo said. It took all of his willpower, but he remained calm; he somehow managed to suppress the urge to fall to his knees in front of Heero, and weep all of the emotions that he kept bottled up that day so he could work at the shop. His heart hurt for him, as it had started to dawn on him these past few days how difficult Heero's life must have been; how torn and lost he must have felt. He needed Heero to believe that he still loved him, because he deserved to feel loved. "Nothing has changed for me. Maybe that's naïve, but fuck: I like girls, I like guys, and I love you. You are still perfect to me." He left Heero with that, knowing he needed more time to be able to accept it as truth.

* * *

 **Are you still on board for this story?**

* * *

 ** _Chapter EIGHT – Never A Dull Moment_ will post on 02/26/2017**


	8. Chapter 8

**AngelStarlight: Glad you're still on board, but weekly is the best I can do :P**

 **Hikaru Itsuko: Thanks for your review, I hope you'll keep reading.**

 **Batman: Glad you're enjoying the story :)**

 **Wu the Stoic: Now I'm curious about your more radical guess, will you tell me?**

 **TanithNight: The ending wasn't really a cliffhanger, though, right? I think I've been pretty fair with where I decided to end the chapters, trust me, it could have been a lot worse :P**

 **CircleKV12: Thanks for reading and reviewing! They definitely talk this chapter :)**

 **Guest: Good to hear (read) :)**

 **Duaimei: Thanks for taking the time to review again, I hope you will like this new chapter :)**

 **Chibichocopaws: Thanks for reading and taking the time to leave a review :) Let me know what you think of this chapter.**

 **Author's note:**

 **Not gonna lie, I almost forgot to post today. I work so much now, it's hard to keep track of the days and I didn't even realize it was Sunday today. But I remembered, so here it is!**

* * *

 **READ THE GENERAL WARNINGS AT THE START OF THE FIRST CHAPTER.**

* * *

 **Beta: Shima Yi**

* * *

 **The Neon Spectrum**

 _Not limited to black and white._

 _Not dulled to shades of gray._

 _The spectrum is neon._

 **Chapter EIGHT – Never A Dull Moment**

The only other thing Heero ever said about it was that he didn't want to talk about it again, and Duo respected that. He didn't feel as antsy having to wait to get closer to Heero again – the way he was so obsessive and anxious before - because he knew now what Heero was dealing with; he understood that it'd take time, and he couldn't offer him anything to aid in the process, except exactly what Heero needed him to be: patient and normal. Duo didn't even make a comment or give a look when his roommate emerged from his bedroom wearing jeans, clunky boots and that red plaid shirt – he assumed it meant that Heero transitioned to a different point on the spectrum – because he knew he shouldn't make a big deal about it. Neither of them said anything as they shared the kitchen to drink their morning coffees and prepare their breakfast and lunch.

It took a while, but eventually they started having dinner together again. No discussion or formal invitation preceded it.

One morning, Heero asked in passing: "Is Thai good for you tonight?"

Duo replied, without even glancing up at him: " _Love_ Thai." Nothing about his tone betrayed the accelerated heartbeat.

That evening, Heero came home from work a little late and brought Thai food from their favorite place down the street. They ate, did the dishes together and then disappeared into their own rooms. It didn't seem like much, but Duo recognized it as a huge leap forward and he treasured it.

They had dinner together every night since then.

He had to wait a little longer for their "pizza night" to make its comeback. Heero made it tacitly clear he wasn't ready to spend the evening on the couch together by purposefully arranging something other than pizza on Saturdays; but it, too, eventually returned. The first night they shared the couch again, Duo's control slipped and his gaze shifted from the screen to the younger man, folded in on himself, at the other end of the couch. Heero caught his stare and they made brief eye contact. Duo smiled impishly, since there was no use in pretending that he wasn't looking. A heartbeat later, Heero smiled back at him, and Duo felt ecstatic for the rest of the week.

When Heero started to change his clothing style again, Duo took notice. He was more in-tune with it now that he knew it meant something; he used to brush it off as a casual fluctuation in his roommate's eclectic style. He caught himself wondering about what point of the spectrum Heero was on at any given time, having only the clothes and slight change in mannerisms to go by. He knew trying to figure him out wasn't really helping anything, but as long as he did it subtly, it wouldn't cause any harm either. He tried not to let it affect his behavior; he was focused on treating Heero the same way he always did. He wasn't going to change anything until Heero expressed that he needed him to – and when he did, Duo would be more than willing: whatever would help, whatever he would be comfortable with, whatever would accommodate him.

Some days, Duo wished he could just ask; maybe he could put up a whiteboard in the kitchen and draw a line as the spectrum, so Heero could mark the point he was at any given day. Even if it was inconsequential, the curiosity was intense. Like not remembering an actor's name when it's on the tip of your tongue: it doesn't really matter what the actor's name is, but you want to know regardless, and you crave the release of that "oh, that's right!" moment. However, Duo suspected that even if he was stupid enough to ask such an insensitive question, Heero wouldn't be able to answer him anyway. He worried that Heero's gender identity was as much of a mystery to him as it was to Duo. He couldn't even imagine how confusing and exhausting it would be to live like that.

He tried not to, but he stared as Heero walked into the kitchen wearing black, low-riding skinny jeans, paired with his favorite boots, a white, cropped turtleneck – showing everything from his midriff to his hipbones at the waistband of the jeans – and a weathered denim jacket. Duo wasn't thinking about the spectrum or where he would place an outfit like that; he only thought of the memory of his own hand, pressed flat against that taut stomach, feeling every sharp intake of breath and quiver of pleasure. Nearly two months had passed since that afternoon – when they had sex the second and, unfortunately, last time – and Duo didn't think much about it ever since discovering "The Secret"; he wouldn't let his mind go there because even just entertaining the memories in the forefront of his mind felt like crossing the boundaries Heero had set. But there was no pausing or erasing the images that flashed before him now, and his palm and the tips of his fingers tingled, almost painfully; he soothed his skin by wrapping his hands around his mug of steaming, hot coffee.

Heero's blush was one of discomfort, but something small and hopeful twinkled in his eyes as he recognized Duo's look; it was same look he used to give him, before he knew. "Good morning."

"Good morning. You look nice." The compliment was too much, Duo knew it the moment he saw Heero's lips twist into a grimace. He wasn't ready yet, and Duo regretted his slip-up. He tried to move past it by asking him about his plans for the day.

"Wedding dress shopping with Nicole, Annessa and Drew."

' _The Girls'_. "Oh? Who's getting married?"

"Nicole."

Nicole was the only one of the three Duo had ever met, but all they did was exchange names, he had no idea she was even in a long-term relationship. "When?"

"A week before Christmas. It's going to be winter-wonderland themed."

Duo nodded and remarked excitedly, only to be polite: "That sounds cool."

Heero offered him a smile as a reward for his effort. "What about you? What are you up to today?"

"Work. I still have a lot to make up for with Mark, so when he needed an extra hand today, I volunteered as tribute," he said lightly, even though he absolutely hated having to work on Saturdays. He told Heero the cliff-notes version of his confrontation with Jamie. "So, wedding dress shopping… How long does that take? Are we still on for pizza night?"

His roommate pulled one corner of his mouth up in an apologetic smile. "No, I'm having dinner with the girls and we're having girl's night at Drew's." He tightened his lips at the term "girl's night", clearly not having meant to put it like that.

"That's too bad. Guess it's just me and the couch tonight," Duo said with a sheepish smile. "Have fun," he said, before grabbing his things and heading out the door, reading on Heero's face that he was still uncomfortable after oversharing. Duo didn't even know what "girl's night" meant, exactly. He was actually pretty sure Heero had referred to spending time with his girlfriends as "girl's night" before. _Before_. But that was different, of course. That he could brush off as a colloquialism. _After_ , the term had a lot more meaning – more than he was willing to share with Duo at that point.

The work day was a quiet and simple grind, as it always was on Saturdays – with that one, notable exception. Duo found himself innocently musing about "girl's night" as he changed oil filters and replaced a rusty exhaust pipe. Maybe even thinking about it was an invasion of Heero's privacy – Duo did feel a twinge of guilt – but he couldn't help himself. All he had as a reference were scenes from chick flicks he had seen. He found it endearing, imaging Heero taking part in those tropes: polishing toenails and having pillow fights.

After work, he went by the grocery store to pick of a six pack of beer, and called the pizzeria to place his order as soon as he arrived home. "No pineapple," he stressed before hanging up. With fifteen minutes to spare he took a quick shower, avoiding getting his long braid of hair wet, then changed into loose fitting slacks, a T-shirt and a hoodie.

He stuffed himself with more pizza than he should have – he ordered an extra-large and was somehow compelled to finish it. He flipped through channels until he fell asleep, stretched out on the couch, half covered by the fluffy blanket.

A song woke him up. Distant and tinny. Duo cracked his eyes open. The living room was dark except for the light coming from the TV, the presumed source of the music. He noticed it was his current, favorite song, but he was too drowsy to get excited by it. He lazily lolled his head to the side and frowned at the TV screen. He expected the accompanying music video, but instead commercials were on. The volume was low but he could hear the clichéd jingle. The chorus of the song stopped and was then repeated – that was when he remembered he set the track as his ringtone. He stupidly patted himself down. He didn't have his phone with him, he should have known: the sound was coming from far away. The phone was in the pocket of his jeans, on the floor of his bedroom.

He didn't feel like getting up. _It's probably Quatre anyway, 'checking in' for the millionth time, ever since our talk about Heero._

The chorus stopped and repeated _again_.

Duo frowned. Surely Quatre would have gotten the hint by now?

Stop. Repeat. Everyone knows that anyone who lets a phone ring for that long is in dire need of talking to the person they are trying to reach.

When Duo finally realized that in his tired state, he leapt up from the couch and sprinted to the bedroom. "Don't stop ringing now. Don't stop ringing now," he commanded, as if he had any say in the matter. He searched his jeans for the phone, cursing as he found it in the _third_ pocket he checked.

He blinked at the Caller ID: _Just my roommate._

He took a moment to check the time at the top of the screen: _1:45 AM._

"Heero?" He answered. His voice sounded concerned, and he was out of breath from running across the apartment.

"… Duo?" A long silence followed. "I-I'm sorry."

Duo's stomach got all knotted up. His roommate sounded intoxicated but also upset. "Heero, what-"

"I shouldn't have called. It's late."

"No, I'm glad you called," he said, as it was clear Heero needed help. "Are the girls with you?"

"No." He sounded miserable and so small. He was on the verge of tears.

It was obvious that he shouldn't be alone right now, so Duo said: "Where are you? I'm gonna come pick you up."

"I'm sorry. It's late," Heero repeated.

"It's fine. I was still up, watching TV," Duo lied.

"… I-… I need you to come get me."

Duo nodded fervently. "Yes, I will come get you. Where are you?"

"At a bus stop… But I missed the last one by half an hour," he whined.

"That's okay. I'm coming for you. Which bus stop?"

"On-…" He paused to check. "South Church Street and Lexington Court." He paused again, but that time to hide his sniffles. "I would have called an Uber, but… I don't want anyone to see me."

Duo didn't know why he wasn't at Drew's, but that didn't matter. "That's okay. That's fine." He tried to sound calm, like his heart wasn't beating a mile a minute.

"I want you to come get me," Heero admitted softly and vulnerably. "I don't want anyone to see me."

"I'm coming. I'm coming for you, Heero. It's gonna be okay," Duo rambled; he already made his way to the front door and was stepping into his shoes. "I'm going to have to come get you on my bike, is that okay?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. Stay right there. I'll be there soon."

"… I'm scared."

Duo's heart clenched at the whispered words. Once he found the right key chain with his emergency keys for the work shop, he stepped out the front door and ran down the hallway. "Are you okay? Are you safe?"

"Just come get me, please!" Heero suddenly burst out crying.

"I'm coming. I swear, baby, I'll be right there." He didn't even think about the pet name, it just slipped out in his overprotective state and it felt right. He had to suppress his panic when the line was disconnected. Rather than trying to call him back, Duo pocketed the phone and made haste: running to the shop as fast as his legs could carry him. With the way he kept tinkering with his motorcycle, it was by mere luck that it was in any state to be driven. He thanked the Lord for his good fortune. He used the emergency keys to open the back garage door and navigated the dark space to his own work station, where his bike was parked. He ripped off the protective tarp and rolled the bike outside, not caring that he clipped the new, polished chrome hand break against the steel doorpost.

Even in his frantic state of mind, Duo remembered to pull the garage door down behind him and reattach the heavy-duty padlock, leaving the work shop secure. He climbed onto his chopper, leaving his helmet over the sissy bar where it was secure, since Heero would be the one wearing it soon anyway. He started the engine and the chopper roared to life. He took a moment to get his bearings and calm his anxiety, otherwise risk skidding off the road. Firmly planted in the leather seat, he slowly twisted the throttle and, once he was free from the alleyway behind the work shop, he sped off.

He knew where to find Heero because he was familiar with Lexington Court – that was where all the bars were – and South Church Street was named after the big Catholic Church at the end of the street, a little bit removed from the bars that had otherwise overtaken the area.

Even though it was still the end of summer, the wind going into his hooded vest felt cold against his skin. It was a seven-minute ride – breaking all the speed limits, and further pushing the throttle to make it across intersections before the lights turned from orange to red. He slowed down as he passed the bars; it was mostly quiet in the streets. The first right was South Church Street; the church was lit up by yellow lights from underneath, making the structure look like a tall, strong fortress – a safe haven in the night.

Duo slowed down further as he neared the bus stops on either side of the street. There was only one person, seated on the bench of the bus stop on the right side. The person didn't look like Heero – not dressed in black jeans, a white shirt and a denim jacket. Duo rolled to a stop and squinted his eyes at the lone individual. It was a girl, that much he could see. She sat with her legs drawn up, her arms wrapped around herself and her face pressed into her knees.

He sucked in a sharp breath when he recognized the unmistakable mess of chocolate brown hair. The girl was Heero.

Thoughts and questions about what had transgressed that evening for Heero to end up at the bus stop – dressed like that – cluttered his mind. Yet, he waited patiently; he knew Heero heard him coming a mile away with the amount of noise his motorcycle produced. He let the engine run idle, as a constant reminder for the other that he was right there and waiting to take him home whenever he was ready, but did nothing to pressure him.

Eventually, Heero uncurled himself and got up from the seat. He kept his arms around himself and his face cast down to the ground as he crossed the streets towards Duo. The American's heart thundered at the sight of the other; Heero was dressed in all black: suede boots, with tall heels that clicked hypnotically on the ground with each step; a short, peplum skirt that created the illusion of wider, flared hips; a tightly fitted, long sleeved turtleneck that slimmed his arms and shoulders, and hid the telltale Adam's apple; and a burgundy scarf draped artfully down from his neck to hide and add volume to his flat chest. His hair fell down, covering his face as he kept his head tilted towards the ground.

"Just grab the helmet and hop on," Duo said lightly; he purposefully turned his head away so Heero didn't have to worry about him staring. Without a word Heero put on the helmet. After a moment of hesitation, he hiked up his skirt and climbed onto the back of bike, straddling the small, uncomfortable seat. Duo kept the bike steady with his feet planted firmly on the ground as Heero climbed on. "You ready? Hold on tight." A smile tugged at his lips when Heero put his hands on his waist and twisted his fingers into the material of the hoodie.

Duo slowly took off, aware of the fact that Heero had never been on the back of his chopper before. He used the entire width of the two-way street to make a U-turn and headed back. The journey took twice as long with how careful Duo was being, slowing down even further to take corners and smoothly accelerating on the straight stretches. Still, Heero moved his arms, wrapping them tightly around Duo's torso and pressing his body against his back.

Duo didn't think about anything other than getting Heero home. He was completely focused on protecting him from whatever harm had come to him that night that caused him to reach out to his roommate in such distress.

As soon as he came to a stop in front of their apartment building, Heero hopped off, stumbling as he did. With his back turned to Duo, he took off the helmet and put it back over the sissy bar, then he walked into the building with quickened steps. Duo took the opportunity to roll his motorcycle into their lock box, even though they weren't technically allowed to store anything gas-powered in the small space. With his bike secured, he followed Heero upstairs.

The apartment was still as dark as he left it in his haste. The TV was still on, flickering different colors across the shape of the couch and the white walls. The only other source of light was coming from the bathroom, the door of which was left ajar. Duo stood in the hallway and listened to running water and then a gasp of pain. He had to stop himself from simply throwing the door further open and looking inside. He knew now that an open door wasn't really an invitation.

"Heero, are you okay?" He waited. "Heero, can I come in?"

There was no response.

"I'm worried about you, so I'm coming in, okay?" He waited another heartbeat, noting the silence on the other side of the door. "I'm coming in." He gave his roommate ample opportunity to deny him access. Duo had no choice but to take his silence as tacit compliance; his protectiveness didn't allow him to turn away without checking on Heero's well-being first.

Duo slowly pushed the door open, again giving Heero time to tell him to piss off, if that was what he really needed of him. He stood in the doorway and looked at his friend.

Heero looked beautiful and tall in his womanly clothes and boots, but his face was distraught. Black, erratic trails ran down his cheeks from tears that had dissolved his dark eye-make-up. His eyes were narrowed, with tears welling up. He looked both scared and angry, but he wasn't angry with Duo – he hadn't even looked at him once. He was staring at his own reflection. He held a wet washcloth to his mouth, hiding the lower part of his face.

"Are you okay?" Duo asked in a hushed tone.

There was a delay, but Heero nodded in response to his question and then cast his gaze down, unable to look at himself any longer.

"What's that for?" He pointed at the washcloth; Heero sighed. "Are you hurt?"

In defeat, he turned to face Duo and removed the washcloth from his face, revealing the bright red of a pretty lipstick and the dark red of blood. Duo gasped at the sight of his swollen bottom lip and the nasty cut. The lipstick was smeared and blood that had oozed from the wound stained his chin. Instinctively, he stepped closer, wanting to take care of him, but stopped himself as he met Heero's gaze. His eyes were wild and frightened; Duo hoped his own stare, in return, was warm and assuring, communicating his good intentions and lack of judgment.

Without an exchange of words, Duo felt he was allowed to come closer. He took the last step, into Heero's personal space. He put his index finger underneath Heero's chin, barely touching him, and had him tilt his face towards the light to inspect the cut. Of course, he wasn't a doctor, but he was a rowdy boy growing up and worked his entire adult life in fields of rough, manual labor; he had seen some cuts in his lifetime. The cut on Heero's lip was minor. Like with all wounds to the face, it looked worse than it was because there was always a lot of bleeding, swelling and bruising.

"I want to clean this. Is that okay?"

Heero nodded.

He instructed Heero to hop up onto the counter, next to the sink, putting him at the right height and facing the light – not to mention, sitting down could help him relax. Heero took a seat and watched Duo fetch the first aid kit from the cupboard under the sink.

Duo tore open the seal and noted lightly: "First time we've needed this." He got hurt plenty of times over the past few years, working with sharp materials and power tools, but since it always happened at work, he disinfected and bandaged his wounds there. "A miracle, really, with the way we can fight like cats and dogs," he tried to joke to lighten the atmosphere.

Heero was unresponsive; his expression had gone blank and his gaze was unfocused.

Duo positioned himself in front of his roommate, standing between his parted knees. He worked gently, patting the wound with cotton swabs dipped in the disinfectant, and cleaning the blood off his chin. He wished he could wipe away the trails his blackened tears left down his cheeks, and the smear of lipstick to the left of his lips, but he didn't know how, and he didn't want to make an even worse mess attempting to clean him up with mere water.

"Stay right here, don't move." Duo left him momentarily to get a glass from the kitchen. Once he was back in the bathroom, he resumed his spot – standing closely in front of Heero – and filled the glass with water. He grabbed Heero's hand and curled the fingers around the glass, but noted his grip was weak; he kept the hand covered with his own, securing Heero's hold on the glass, and brought it to his mouth.

The other winced when the glass connected with his sore lip. "I know. I'm sorry," Duo whispered, "but you should have some water. It looks like you had a lot to drink." He tilted the glass and encouraged him to drink, and didn't put the glass down until he drank over half of it. Then he set the glass aside and tidied up the things from the first aid kit, keeping his close proximity to Heero, although maybe Duo himself needed it more than Heero did. Sharing the heat that radiated from both their bodies comforted him.

Heero caught him off guard when he suddenly spoke softly: "Can you get my make-up wipes from my room?"

The American blinked at him. "Sure."

"It's a silver packet, with a black label."

"Okay. So… I can go into your room?" Duo verified.

"Yeah."

He nodded. He touched his hand to Heero's knee for a moment, feeling the smoothness of thin pantyhose over shaved – no, _waxed_ , he remembered – legs. Then he excused himself and headed to Heero's bedroom.

Stepping through that door was odd to him and his palms went clammy as he remembered that one Saturday afternoon. He flicked on the lights and turned to the vanity where he expected to find what he was looking for. Arranged on the desk were countless containers of make-up and brushes of all shapes and sizes, each with pearlescent handles. Stuck to one corner of the mirror was a picture of " _The Girls_ ", Heero being one of them. That was when Duo caught his first glance of Drew: someone who was definitely physically male, but didn't dress like it, even wearing what looked like a wig. Duo looked away; he was given permission to get something, not snoop. He easily found the make-up wipes, sitting on the top left corner of the vanity.

 _Silver packet, black label._ He read the white text to confirm. _MAC wipes_. "This should be it," he mumbled to himself. Duo had no idea about this sort of stuff. He assumed Nicole, Annessa and Drew taught Heero everything he knew.

He walked back into the bathroom and handed Heero the silver packet, then watched as he opened the top lid and pulled out a wipe. Heero used it and one more to remove the make-up from his face, twisting in his seat on the counter to check his progress in the mirror from time to time. It was apparent that Heero felt even more vulnerable without his make-up, even though it had been ruined anyway. When he was done with the wipes, he set the packet aside and tugged at the hem of his short skirt, trying to cover more of his thighs. He refused to meet Duo's gaze.

"Can I ask you what happened?" Duo chose his words thoughtfully.

Heero shrugged. Realizing he couldn't stretch the skirt to cover more of his legs, he started picking at the red polish on his nails; it flaked off in pieces.

"You were supposed to be at Drew's. For Girls Night," Duo said, trying to prompt Heero into explaining the course of the evening to him.

"We were at Drew's," he started. "We had some wine. Drew asked me if I wanted to wear some of her clothes… We were just playing dress-up."

Duo listened attentively and nodded along.

"We had some _more_ wine. Then… I don't even remember which one of us suggested to go out. Maybe it was me." He shrugged again. "They said I looked good – that I could _pass_. And I- I felt good. I didn't intend to lead anyone on; I just wanted to try it." He finally looked up at Duo, with a look that could break Duo's heart.

"That's okay." Duo put his hands on both of Heero's knees and his thumbs rubbed circles on top of his thighs. Heero tensed up at first, but quickly relaxed. "So, the four of you went to a bar?"

The other nodded meekly. "To a gay bar first…to get a feel for it and relax…and drink more. Drew stayed there, but Nicole and Annessa wanted to take me to a regular bar, and I wanted to go as well. I was really scared at first – I thought everyone could tell that I didn't 'belong' there, but no one noticed."

Duo smiled at the hint of pride and happiness in his voice, albeit distant and overshadowed by guilt and regret. He wasn't surprised that no one noticed. Heero was unlike Drew in the sense that his features weren't manly to begin with: he had a small face and delicate, soft features. The make-up enhanced his femininity, drawing attention to his large, almond shaped eyes and full, shapely lips. The clothes he wore cleverly transformed his slender frame into an hourglass shape; no one would have been able to tell he had no breasts under that draped scarf, especially not in the dim lighting of your run-of-the-mill bar.

"Annessa quickly hooked up with some guy and, when Nicole and I were sitting at the bar, these two men joined us and started flirting with us." He ducked his head between his shoulders and admitted apologetically: "It was really nice. To be treated…" he didn't finish that sentence, but Duo knew what he meant and he sympathized. "Annessa got sick in the bathroom, so Nicole took her home. I told them I was leaving too, but I didn't. He was being so nice to me…" His voice pitched as he got emotional. He covered his mouth with his hand and took a second to compose himself.

"It's okay…"

"He kissed me and I shouldn't have let him," he continued with a shaky voice. "I knew it wasn't fair to him. I told him I had to go home, but I realized I didn't have any money on me. That's when he offered to drive me home. I knew it was dangerous, but he had been such a gentlemen and I was _drunk_." His gaze flitted up at Duo to confirm he was still interested in hearing the story, then he went on: "We went out back, to the parking lot, where his car was parked. There was no one else there. He held my hand and – for some stupid reason – I wasn't scared. We were standing by his car and suddenly he started kissing me again, and I got caught up in it. I was so caught up in it that I _forgot_ that I'm-" he gestured down at himself with his features screwed into a disgusted expression. "I forgot. And you have no idea how good that felt… to forget."

Duo nodded even though Heero was right; he would never understand, but he wanted to.

"I had tucked myself but as I got aroused, it came apart. I was… hard," he spat, "and he noticed when he grabbed my ass and pulled me against him."

Duo had trouble keeping his breathing under control as his heartrate sped up.

"When he pushed me away, I hadn't even realized yet what went wrong. But then-… But then he hit me," Heero let out a sob and touched his fingers to his split lip. "He hit me and I knew. I remembered."

"Did he hurt you anywhere else?" Duo thought to ask, mentally berating himself for not asking that sooner. Horrific, violent scenarios plagued his mind – the kind that had been haunting his nightmares ever since he found out Heero was different. He knew how the world treated people who were different, especially that kind of difference.

Heero shook his head. "No, I don't think so." Tears started flowing again and he dropped his head down.

Duo cupped Heero's chin gently to make him look up at him. "You don't ' _think_ ' so?" Concern swelled in his chest.

Heero shrugged helplessly and looked off to the side. He gestured frantically as he tried to explain: "I don't know, it hurts all over – everything hurts! The way he looked at me… It hurt so much!"

That was when Duo felt a tear run down his own face. "I'm going to hug you now. Is that okay?" As soon as Heero nodded, he pulled his trembling body forward and into his embrace. He buried his nose in the crook of his neck, smelling a floral perfume. Heero had his arms between them; his hands clutching at Duo's shirt. He wept into his shoulder. "Shhh… Shhh…" Duo petted one hand through his hair.

"I'm sorry. It's late. It's so late," Heero rambled. "I didn't want anyone to see me. I didn't want to call Nic. I- I wanted you."

Duo's heart burst and he held Heero to him tighter still. "I'm glad you called me. You can always call me. I'm your friend first." They parted and Duo cupped Heero's face in his hands. He offered him a smile and wiped away his tears.

In turn, Heero raised his hands and put them on Duo's face; his thumbs swept the wet trails off his cheeks, brightening Duo's smile. He then brought their foreheads together and whispered: "I like the way you look at me…" His gaze moved down to Duo's lips and the smile that graced them.

"It's because you're so beautiful. And because I am _so_ in love with you." Duo wove his fingers into the brown hair, being mindful not to pull on the dangling earrings. "You're perfect."

"When you say that, it sounds like you really believe it," he breathed in awe.

"I do. I wish you would believe it too."

Heero smiled sadly.

"Would you-" Duo stopped himself, unsure if he should ask the question on his mind. He didn't want to unnecessarily upset Heero further, but he also wished to understand. He decided to brave it. "Would you feel better about yourself if you had a woman's body? Is that what you want?" He regretted posing the question when Heero pulled away from him and sat back, leaning his shoulders against the mirror. But he didn't look angry or upset at Duo asking.

He answered: "No. That would trap me the same way as this body. Probably worse. Most of the time, I feel like a man – or mostly a man, anyway. _Most_ of the time, I'm _mostly_ a man," he chuckled bitterly at himself, understanding better than anyone how confusing it was. "It's like I'm standing on an unsteady scale, with 'male' and 'female' on either end, and the scale can just tip and send me tumbling towards any given place on the spectrum."

Quatre and Trowa explained this to Duo as well, but he appreciated Heero explaining it from his own perspective, knowing how difficult it must be for him.

"I can't control it. I don't know what causes the scale to move. Sometimes, I feel mostly male for weeks and every time that's happened I was relieved because I thought I finally _settled_ and finally knew who I was. But then the scale moves again," he made a hopeless gesture. "I try to put it in percentages for myself. Every morning I try to figure myself out and try to make sense of who I am, but it's exhausting and confusing."

Duo's hands clasped around Heero's thighs, feeling tense and on edge just listening to him talk about his experiences.

"But sometimes, like today, I feel mostly female. So much so that I feel like I am a woman and that my body is a woman's body, even though it doesn't look like what it should look like. But I'm ashamed of what it looks like, because I know that it doesn't look like a real woman's body. For one evening, I didn't want to be ashamed. I wanted to feel real." Heero looked at Duo with vulnerable eyes.

"You are real."

"But it doesn't make sense. I don't understand. Nobody understands! There are people who call it a mental disorder. Maybe I'm just sick." He bit his bottom lip, disregarding that it was already split and bruised.

"Just because something is out of the ordinary and difficult to understand doesn't make it wrong. People don't get to brush it off as a mental illness," Duo countered. "The human brain is the most complicated system in the world. If the workings of our minds were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so _simple_ that we wouldn't understand anything."

Hero let out a surprised, bitter chuckle. "That sounds like you read it in a book somewhere."

"I did," he replied. "When I first realized that I was in love with you and thought I had gone crazy – that I had been fooling myself all those years, thinking that I was straight. I read a lot of books. But you know what? None of those books were about me. They were about a group of people who may – or may not – be _like_ me, but nobody is the same. I had to figure out for myself that it was okay for me to like you; it doesn't negate any of my previous relationships; and it doesn't mean gay, or straight, or bi, or pan. I'm me, and I love who I love. You are you, and you are who you are. Nobody can invalidate that and tell you otherwise, because they don't know you the way you know you. I learned that when two of my friends were kind of being assholes about it, and tried to tell me I was either gay or straight. They know me pretty well, but I still know best." Duo flashed a smirk.

Recognizing he was one of the friends Duo was cheekily referring to, Heero smiled back at him. "What a couple of shitty friends."

"It's okay. I still love them both. One in particular."

His smile turned shy. "Yeah?"

"Yeah… I _love_ Quatre." He couldn't contain his laughter and was relieved when Heero chuckled along with him.

When their laughter down, Heero scooted forward on the counter, his inner thighs pressed against Duo's hips on either side; he wrapped his arms around him. Duo gratefully returned the hug and kissed the shell of his ear, before settling his chin on top of Heero's bony shoulder.

"Do you want to go to bed?" Duo suggested a minute into the hug.

"Hmhm."

"Do you want to go to my bed?"

The other disentangled himself to look Duo in the eyes. "Yes. If that's okay."

"More than okay." He didn't want Heero to be alone that night; he didn't have any intentions other than sleep. "Get changed and meet me there." He placed a kiss on top of Heero's head, and stepped aside so he could hop off the counter. Once alone in the bathroom, Duo used the moment to take a leak, and after washing his hands, he washed his face as well. His eyes were red from crying and it felt nice to splash cool water onto his skin.

He walked into his bedroom and made himself comfortable under the cover on one side of the bed, close to the center. He checked the clock and praised the Lord for Sundays. A few minutes later, the lights in the rest of the apartment were switched off and Heero appeared in the doorway, dressed in silky shorts and a matching top with spaghetti straps and lacy trim.

He fidgeted with the hem of the top. "Is this alright?" Duo understood why Heero was still on edge about possibly making him uncomfortable, still expecting to inadvertently do something that would freak Duo out, and snap the same way the man from the bar did. But Duo wasn't going to freak out; it had been confusing for him as well – there was a time when he didn't trust _himself_ not to freak out. But he learned, and truly meant, what he said: Heero was perfect to him.

Duo simply nodded and said: "It looks comfy." He flicked on the light on the bedside table, and told Heero to hit the lights before he joined him in bed.

The overhead lamp was switched off. Heero closed the door and padded across the floor to the unoccupied side of the bed. He slipped under the sheets and, when Duo beckoned him to get closer, inviting him to lay against him, he did. Duo draped his arm around his smaller frame; Heero tucked himself into Duo's armpit and rested his head on the American's slowly rising and falling chest.

Duo could barely reach the light switch without shifting, but he managed and the room went pitch black.

"Thank you, Duo," Heero mumbled into his chest.

He tightened his arm around him and kissed the top of his head. "You're welcome."

* * *

X

* * *

When Duo woke up again around noon, Heero was still snuggled against him. He felt the softness of the silk top and his hair, contrasted with the hardness of his hipbone and his morning erection. He knew that if Heero woke up in that state, he would be embarrassed knowing that Duo felt him. So, as much as it pained him, he carefully peeled himself away from the other. Heero stirred, hugging the pillow to him and shifting his hips, but he didn't wake up. Duo left for the kitchen to make them breakfast in bed again.

Heero's tired voice stopped him when he reached the door. "Where are you going?" He was groggy with sleep. He didn't even raise his head off the pillow or open his eyes.

"Making breakfast. How do you like your eggs?"

"In a cake," Heero mumbled and then let out a breathy chuckle at his own joke. "Sunny side up, on toast."

Duo smirked. "That I can do. How do you feel?"

"I have a headache and my lip hurts."

Duo laughed at him stating the obvious, in spite of the fact that the discoloration on Heero's chin was hideous and made his heart hurt. "Okay, but how do you really feel?"

Heero propped his chin up on his palm and looked at Duo with calm and honest eyes. "I feel really good. Thanks to you."

His heart warmed and Duo smiled. "I'm glad."

* * *

X

* * *

A few days later, the plaid shirt made its comeback and Duo suspected Heero purposefully wore it solely to communicate a shift of the scale to him – without Duo having to ask, or Heero having to make an announcement – and Duo was grateful. It was an inelegant and impractical solution in the long run, but – for the time being – while they still had to figure everything out, it worked.

Heero was the one to tell Quatre what happened that night; he couldn't hide his split lip from his friend. Quatre remained calm and composed for Heero's sake, but during his next shopping trip with Duo, the blond was anything but.

"I can't believe how stupid he was!" He exclaimed for the third or fourth time, disregarding the perplexed look of the other customers as he angrily rifled through a rack of clothes without really paying attention to any single garment. He just needed to keep his hands busy to expel some of his pent-up frustration.

"He's fine," Duo tried to placate as he followed him through the store.

"He's an idiot!" Quatre fixed a furious gaze on his friend. "He nearly got into a car with a stranger! That was so reckless and so dangerous!"

"He didn't get in the car."

"He _would've_!" He shot back. "What if the guy found out later? What if he had gotten even more angry? He could have been _killed_ , Duo. Do you have any idea how high the murder rate is in the trans community? I know Heero is not the same, but his situation is similar; it puts him in the same, dangerous position!"

Duo nodded. He saw stories on the news and did more reading on the matter than proved to be good for him, learning more than he wanted to know about the murder and suicide rates. He suffered the nightmares. He tried not to think too much about it, because it triggered a crippling overprotectiveness in him. But he couldn't talk to Quatre about those things, because he knew it would upset the blonde too much. "He was just curious, Quat."

"Well, curiosity killed the cat, didn't it?"

"He's fine," Duo repeated again. He understood his friend's concern – he went through the same process himself in the days after; in conflict with himself about whether he should berate Heero for the dangerous position he had put himself in, but he had decided against it, since it was apparent Heero knew that he had made an error in judgment and hammering it in would only rub salt in the wound.

"I just can't believe how dumb a smart person can be!" Quatre bristled and moved on to the next rack.

"Look, I agree that what he did was risky – I was scared shitless too when I got that call and when I saw his face. You didn't even see the worst of it; you saw the cut, but you didn't see the look in his eyes that night."

Quatre nodded sympathetically.

"He shouldn't have left the bar with that guy. He should have gone home when he told Nicole that he said he would. But he should also get to go out dressed however he wants, as long as he doesn't take risks like that."

His friend shook his head. "I don't know. It's always going to leave him vulnerable to dangerous situations. How is Nicole supposed to protect him when a couple of assholes gang up on them?"

"He should be able to live his life, Quat."

"I know! But can't he live it in the safety of his own home?" He whined. He knew he was being unreasonable, but only because he worried about his friend's safety.

"If that guy hadn't gotten that handsy with him, he would have never known. He looked…" Duo's gaze drifted off to the side and a tiny, guilty smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. "He looked beautiful."

Quatre smiled knowingly. "That's because you're so in love with him."

"No! I mean, I _am_. But I'm being serious: he looked great."

Quatre pursed his lips. He swayed his weight back and forth. He said petulantly, like a little child: "Now you're making me curious. And a little jealous that he didn't call me or Trowa. Although, that makes no sense; we live further away after all."

"Well, not just that. He called _me_ because he wanted _me_ ," Duo reminded him smugly.

"Okay, now you're making me _very_ jealous! I feel left out." He punched Duo's shoulder playfully. "What was he wearing?"

"Drew's clothes," Duo replied, although he knew that answer wouldn't satisfy Quatre.

He swatted him again. "That's not what I meant! Tell me!"

"No. It's our secret."

Quatre let out a laugh. "Goddamn you."

"It used to be the other way around, with you keeping secrets from me."

"Ah, so this is a taste of my own medicine, I suppose?"

Duo merely winked in response.

"Fine." He focused his attention back on the important task of shopping for a new fall and winter wardrobe. Duo followed him past the racks of designer clothes, not really looking whenever he pulled something out and asked Duo for his advice. He just nodded and picked a positive adjective from his brain at random. Quatre didn't mind.

In the next store, Duo asked: "How long has Heero known Drew?"

"Ohhh, I see how it is," Quatre teased him, "You don't want to tell me anything but you do expect me to spill the tea, huh?" He let Duo squirm in anticipation for a moment before he mercifully answered his question. "They met two years ago, through Nicole and Annessa. They were already friends with Drew. When Heero told them about, you know – the changes in his identity that he was going through – they introduced them to each other."

"Is Drew gender fluid like Heero?"

"No. Drew is transsexual."

"So, a trans woman, right? A woman born in a man's body?"

"Hmhm." Quatre held a blouse up to his chest but then put it back with a scrunched-up face. He continued casually: "I've never met her, but I know a little from the bits and pieces Heero told me. Drew knew at a very young age who she was, so she had a major head start on figuring herself out in comparison to Heero. She's been a really great-…" he paused to find the right word, "- mentor for him. Even though their situations are not the same, Heero's gotten more in-tune with his feminine side thanks to her. Obviously, Nicole and Annessa helped him explore that aspect of himself too, but Drew is the one who really helped him be able to see himself as a woman, in spite of his body parts."

"That's good." It relieved Duo to know that Heero had such support all that time. "Is Drew physically female now?"

"No, I don't think so. Heero did mention that she had her breasts done, and is saving up for facial feminization surgery, but he didn't say anything about-…" Rather than finishing his sentence he gestured down at his own crotch. "I guess that's private anyway. I didn't ask."

Duo nodded in understanding and felt silly then for asking about it to begin with; it didn't matter.

"How have you been doing?" Quatre inquired, while appreciating a dark blue blazer.

"I've been…" He thought for a moment but could only conclude: "… Good."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I feel at peace, I guess. Yeah, that's the best way to put it."

He ignored the blazer and focused his undivided attention on Duo. "At peace? About what?"

"I was really stressed before. Stressed that Heero hated me. Stressed about my feelings for him never leading anywhere. Stressed about the secret, thinking the worst things." Duo shrugged. "I know now that Heero doesn't hate me. Actually, I think he might have feelings for me too. He was only pushing me away because he wanted to keep his secret at all cost. A secret that, as it turns out, isn't really anything bad. Not to me, at least. I'm still worried about him, of course, but it's different, because now that I know, I know that I can help him if he needs me to, and I know that he has you, and Drew and the other girls. I feel… hopeful and… Well… at peace," he repeated sheepishly.

Quatre smiled and then shook his head.

"What?"

"Duo," he paused and turned to face him, "you are a pretty remarkable guy."

The taller man blushed in response. "Thanks, Quat."

"And a hopeless romantic. Who would have ever thought?" The blonde teased.

"I was romantic before!"

"You considered dating a girl you didn't like to get a damn sock back!"

Duo let out a loud laugh that was inappropriate in the quiet, fancy store. "That was ages ago!"

"Almost a year," Quatre concurred.

Duo frowned. _Had it really been that long?_ It felt odd realizing that Quatre was right. Time had flown by. "Heero's birthday is in two months," he said to no one in particular.

"Hmhm."

"I have to get him something better than last time."

"What did you get him last time?"

"Socks."

Quatre laughed just as loud as Duo did before, drawing the attention of the staff. "Yeah, you _have_ to get him something better."

Duo made a face at a particularly stuck-up clerk that was giving them the side-eye for being loud. "Jesus, is this a store or a library?" He wondered, purposefully turning up the volume of is voice.

"Shhh!" Quatre chuckled. "It's _Chanel_." The American stopped and stared at his friend with a silly expression. He hadn't even noticed; he blindly followed Quatre into the store. "What?"

Duo shook his head. "Nothing. Just remembered something funny."

"Wanna share?"

"Nope." He leaned in and whispered: "It's a secret."

"Damn you, Maxwell!"

* * *

X

* * *

It was a Thursday night and Duo sat slouched on the couch, with his feet propped up on the coffee table. It had been a long day in the shop. On his way home, he picked up a bucket of KFC buffalo wings and, upon arriving home, he fixed himself in front of the television. He had eaten his fill and washed it down with three beers. He only saw Heero once that evening when his roommate walked into the kitchen to get himself a beer as well. They exchanged greetings and a summarized recount of their day, and Heero stole a single buffalo wing. Then he returned to his bedroom, and Duo pressed play on the movie again.

He was chuckling at a dry joke and paid little attention when Heero's bedroom door opened again. The movie was nearly over, so Duo figured it was late and he expected his roommate to go into the bathroom to get ready for bed; instead he stalked towards him. Duo glanced over, noticing a dark look in Heero's eyes. He turned his head towards the TV again and pretended not to be intrigued.

The younger man came to stand by the couch. He towered over him. With the overhead lamp behind him, he cast a shadow across Duo's relaxed, slumped figure. He stared for a long time, waiting for Duo to acknowledge him, but the American refused to look up, even as his palms went sweaty and his fingertips tingled. Something electrifying was in the air.

Heero jostled Duo's extended leg with his knee and announced with a smooth voice and casual tone: "I'm horny." After a pause, he added: "I want to suck your cock."

Duo snapped his head up. He didn't miss a beat. "Okay."

Heero's face remained unreadable and his inflection leveled. "And then I want you to suck my cock."

Duo's gaze followed Heero's hands that lightly trailed down his own chest and abdomen to the obvious outline of his erection in his sweatpants.

With the same eagerness, as before, Duo replied: "Okay."

Heero smirked, but then he warned him seriously: "I'm being selfish again."

Duo knew it wouldn't mean the same to Heero as it did to him – Heero was not in love with him – not yet, at least – but he wanted whatever Heero was willing to give him. He wanted to know what it would be like, and he wouldn't be able to suffer it if the object of his affection backed down now for his sake. "We can be selfish together."

Heero nodded and touched his leg to Duo's again, wordlessly communicating to take his feet off the coffee table. Duo straightened up in his seat and planted his feet on the area rug. He watched – enthralled – as Heero elegantly lowered himself to the floor and occupied the space between Duo's parted knees. He groaned when lust-filled blue eyes shot him a look. In spite of the haze that quickly settled in his mind, Duo thought to press pause on the movie; he didn't want them to be interrupted by the dry dialogue and crazy shenanigans.

The Japanese man – he was definitely a man that night – stroked his hands up Duo's thighs. Then one hand kneaded the bulge in the front of his grease-stained jeans and the other pushed up his equally dirty shirt, and Heero's mouth descended on the exposed skin on his stomach. Within no time, Duo matched Heero's state of arousal; he squirmed uncomfortably as he was restrained by the stiff fabric of his jeans. Mercifully, the buttons were soon popped open and skilled hands helped his manhood out of his underwear. A golden hand pumped up and down his length a few times and Duo knew Heero was looking up at him, but he was too absorbed by the sight of those fingers on him. He squeezed his eyes shut and rolled his head back when the other leaned forward and let his tongue tease the sensitive head.

He expected Heero to go slow and continue driving him mad with teases, but instead he opened his mouth and brought his lips down as far as he could; Duo's shaft disappeared nearly all the way into that wet heat. His hands instinctively reached for the wild mop of hair, urging Heero to keep him deep inside his mouth and throat as long as he could, without actually stopping him from pulling back if he needed to, of course.

Heero deep-throated him several more times, looking relaxed doing it, pulling back and sucking on the crown whenever he needed a moment to catch his breath. At times, he let his teeth carefully graze the shaft and it made Duo gasp and tremble. His tongue was hot and flexible as it explored all of Duo's most sensitive spots. He was skilled – he obviously had a lot of practice, but he was unashamed of that, as he ought to be.

"You are very good at this," Duo breathed and then he made a face at how obscene of a compliment that was – he didn't want it to be taken the wrong way. His discomfort was soon erased when Heero released him from his mouth long enough to flash him a proud smirk. Emboldened, Duo continued, as the other's lips stretched around him again, working slowly towards the base: "You love it, don't you?" He shuddered when Heero moaned in reply. "You love having a hard cock in your mouth."

Heero released him with an audible pop and used his hand to keep pleasuring him. "It feels good. You'll see soon enough." He sat back on his haunches and gestured for Duo to stand up between his kneeling figure and the edge of the couch. "Fuck my mouth," he said lewdly. "You don't have to be gentle."

Duo wove his fingers through the chocolate brown hair again, holding his head steady. Heero simply closed his eyes and parted his lips and let Duo push back inside him, as deep and as fast as he pleased. His hands were on Duo's hips, the thumbs hooked through his belt loops, but his hold was light; he did nothing to control Duo's thrusts, but Duo trusted that his hands were ready to stop him should he inadvertently hurt him.

He wasn't gentle, because he knew Heero didn't want him to be. But he knew how far he could push and how long Heero could hold him: Heero gave him a demonstration only minutes earlier, when he was still the one in control. When he realized that he didn't have to intervene, Heero lowered both of his hands down to his own lap. He didn't use them to touch himself – they just rested there, completely relaxed, the fingers slightly curled. It was a sign of trust and encouragement that aroused Duo even further.

"Can I come in your mouth?" Duo asked through gritted teeth when he felt himself get close. Heero moaned – it was all he could do; his eyes were still closed. Duo chuckled. "Is that a yes or a no?" Heero let out another, drawn out moan. The vibrations in his throat felt so good that it pushed Duo closer to the edge. Heero must have known that; that was his answer.

He made his thrusts a little more shallow, and Heero moaned incessantly, treating him to more of those vibrations. His orgasm was intense and blinding and he doubled over, folding himself over Heero's head when all the tension left his body. It was the ultimate release.

After taking a moment to catch his breath, Duo pulled back and let himself fall onto the cushions of the couch. "Holy shit." His eyes slipped closed. He was content and sleepy. He yelped when Heero hooked his hands behind his knees and pulled him to sit on the edge of the couch.

"We're not done yet." Heero tone was predatory and it was like a defibrillator, bringing Duo back to life. He rose from the floor and climbed on top of Duo, straddling his legs. He pushed the other man's shoulders against the backrest and scooted closer, so he was straddling his slouched torso.

Duo realized that, with their height difference, the position put his face on the same level as Heero's groin – and very close to it too. He smirked, but he was a little uncertain.

Heero caught on and reassured him: "Anything that you can and are willing to do will feel good."

He nodded. He was still nervous, but mostly excited – he had wondered what it would be like for a while. He tugged Heero's sweatpants down to mid-thigh and touched him through his black boxer-briefs first, exploring the shape angled up to his hip. He only had to push his head forward a couple of inches to be able to mouth the tip; his lips felt the wetness of pre-come that soaked through the fabric and he licked at the wet spot, getting his first taste. He slipped his hand between Heero's legs, letting the heel of his palm provide pressure against his balls, while his fingers reached further to massage the taint. Heero moaned in appreciation.

It helped that, being a man himself, Duo obviously knew a thing or two about what felt good. That gave him the confidence he needed to continue. He hooked his fingers into the waistband and stretched it out in the front to be able to comfortably pull it down. Heero's erection sprang free and pressed against his cheek. Duo chuckled sheepishly and leaned his head back a little. He looked up at Heero and took a moment to drown in the dark pools of blue, then he refocused his attention.

Duo wrapped his hand around the base. Heero felt familiar: the thickness, the hardness, the pronounced vein on the underside that he could feel throb as he squeezed. He experienced a heady rush remembering the other times he held Heero's arousal, but he knew this time would be different; Heero was on the opposite end of the scale – it was readily apparent in how comfortable he was in his own skin. Duo hoped Heero would soon learn to feel at ease with his body regardless of where he was on the spectrum.

He darted his tongue out for the first, experimental lick. He liked how smooth the skin was, and how hot he felt – he didn't even mind the taste of the pearl of pre-come. Heero's arms were relaxed at his sides. The fingers of one hand tickled his thigh absentmindedly. His dark gaze was fixed on his lover.

His demeanor was so different from what Duo was used to. He was so confident and unapologetic with regards to his wants and needs. Duo loved it, just as he loved it when Heero had been more coy and delicate. With Heero, Duo felt like a kid in a candy shop who was told he could have _everything_ : the bite of Heero's dry humor and sassiness, his commanding ways and his perfect erection; and the sweet taste of his care, his softness and his femininity. Heero encompassed everything. Duo felt spoiled.

He grinned up at him and then finally took him into his mouth. He pushed his lips forward as far as he could go, but, not being used to it, his body wasn't as into it as his mind was. His throat constricted and his gag reflex warned him that if he'd try to go any further, he would embarrass himself. His hands went up to grab Heero's hips – he knew better but his body still feared Heero would move and subject him to more than he could handle.

"It's okay." Heero's voice was deep and husky – Duo had never heard it like that. He threaded the fingers of one hand through Duo's hair and gently guided his head back until only the tip and an inch beyond the crown remained in his mouth. "This is good to start with… Your mouth is so hot."

Duo hummed in gratitude. He sucked and swirled his tongue and the response of small sounds delighted him. He started bobbing his head and moving his fist up and down the shaft in tandem. Heero exhaled long and hard through his nose. His expression contorted between pleasure and concentration. His hips made the slightest, most shallow thrusts, but he stopped himself. His hand on Duo's head was encouraging but not demanding.

As he was starting to get more comfortable, Duo relaxed his jaw and took more of Heero into his mouth. He enjoyed how it felt. It was so intimate, and there was a high level of trust between the two of them. He didn't feel like there was anything demeaning about it, even though "cocksucker" had been the worst insult that was thrown around in the school yard when he was growing up.

He intermittently sucked and teased him with his tongue in a way that mimicked how Heero had treated him a few minutes earlier. He experimented with adding a bit of teeth to his technique, but he knew to save that for another time when Heero tensed up in response – and not in a good way. To make up for inadvertently hurting him, he forced himself to take another inch of his length into his mouth on the next down stroke of his lips; he was rewarded with a throaty moan. He could tell that the other was swiftly approaching his climax and the prospect thrilled Duo.

Heero moved one hand to cup Duo's chin, thumbing the hollow of his cheek as he sucked. "You're doing so well…"

Duo felt a silly sense of pride at the compliment. He sucked harder and thought to fondle his balls which had drawn up tightly under the base of his erection, in anticipation of an orgasm.

"Nnn… It feels good, Duo," Heero said. "Do you like it?"

"Hmhm," Duo managed with his mouth full and he threw a hungry look up at him.

Heero dipped his head back. "Ahh, fuck." His Adam's apple moved up and down the elongated column of his throat as he swallowed hard. He looked back down at Duo – his blue eyes darker than Duo had ever seen them – and he warned breathlessly: "I'm close."

Duo understood Heero was giving him a chance to pull back and finish him off with his hands if he was uncomfortable with the idea of letting the other come in his mouth; on the contrary, his own arousal came back to life at the thought. He kept bobbing his head, going as fast and taking the cock as deep as he could, while applying as much suction as he could manage, and making sure to let his tongue flick over the tip every time he pulled back; hopefully he was able to communicate his excitement to his partner that way.

"Uhh! Nnnn, yeah. Just like that, Duo." Heero pulled his own shirt up to his collarbone, held in place under his armpits and he stroked his fingers left and right on his abdomen, where Duo knew the building pressure was aching, to soothe the quaking core muscles. His blue eyes squeezed shut. "Ah! I'm-… Coming!"

Duo bravely and unwisely forced himself to take even more of him into his mouth, wanting to make Heero feel good as his orgasm overwhelmed him. It was a rookie mistake. The first shot of come against the back of his throat triggered his gag reflex and he had to pull back, leaving only the very end in his mouth. His face went red, but he was able to stop himself from choking and coughing, and kept sucking on the head as more semen spilled onto his tongue. Some of the initial load had instinctively been worked out of his mouth, expelled past his lips and he felt it dribble down his chin. The taste of it barely even registered. Duo felt high. It was an out-of-body experience.

Not until he was sure Heero was completely spent did he release him from his mouth and lean his head back against the back of the couch. A dull ache in his neck, from having been in a strained position, made itself known, but he wasn't bothered too much by it. With a slow-eyed gaze, Duo watched Heero tuck his softening member into his underwear, but he didn't zip up his jeans.

Heero smoothed his shirt back down and waited for Duo to make eye-contact. With a sloppy grin, he joked: "Baby's first blowjob." He reached down and thumbed the milky white trail off Duo's chin. Before the hand could retreat, Duo grabbed it by the wrist and sucked the thumb into his mouth, cleaning it with familiar swirls of his tongue and a suggestive look. He let go of him with a pop. Heero chuckled; the sound was deep and breathy and made Duo tingle pleasantly all over. He stayed upright, towering over the American who was used to being taller than everyone. It made Duo feel small, but he enjoyed it, it was a welcome variation. "Did you like that?" Heero asked. His smirk suggested he already knew the answer.

Duo shook his head. "I loved it." He grabbed the bony hips and pushed the hem of the shirt up with his nose so he could place a chaste kiss on the abdomen. "I loved it so much," he whispered against the skin. He sighed when Heero petted the top of his head, combing his fingers through his thick hair. "Thank you. Thank you," he muttered. His mind was still clouded.

Another chuckle escaped Heero, softer and sweeter this time.

"Gods, you're amazing. You're _everything_ ," Duo rambled. "How am I ever supposed to get enough of you?"

The Japanese man pushed him back and lowered himself into Duo's lap again. Once he was settled, he latched their mouths together and his demanding tongue sparred with Duo's. His hands were on either side of Duo's face, tilting his head at whatever angle he pleased as he ravaged his mouth, in full control of the kiss.

Duo realized the kiss served to keep him from saying things that Heero wasn't ready to hear. He let the other overwhelm him and surrendered once more to the new sensations that the _very_ masculine Heero subjected him to. He liked how the gender-changes in Heero didn't only affect Heero himself, but Duo as well. He felt like he was being introduced to a new part of Heero _and_ a new part of himself, which excited him. At any given time, Heero could change from one spot on the spectrum to the next – the younger man had trouble adjusting to the inconsistencies of his life, but Duo was thrilled by it.

Duo let his hands roam over the slender body perched on top of him, never slipping his hands under the fabric of his clothes; Heero was the dominant one this time, and he felt like he'd need to formally ask for permission first. Aroused by everything – the taste that lingered in his mouth, the tactile memories, the smell of Heero surrounding him and the passionate kiss – Duo was painfully hard and needy again; he whined pathetically when Heero palmed him through his boxers and mercifully brought him to completion without much effort, for the second time.

He wanted to say what was on his mind, but he didn't dare to. He recited it secretly to himself:

 _I love everything about you. I love how_ _,_ _who I am, depends on who you are. Every time you change, I learn something new and exciting about you_ _,_ _and about myself as well._

* * *

 **If that wasn't enough lemon for you, check out my PWP-esque oneshot "Lemonade" on ArchiveOfOurOwn. But first let me know what you thought of this chapter! :P**

 **URL + /works/9921908**

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 _ **Chapter NINE – Baby Girl**_ **will post on 03/05/17**


	9. Chapter 9

**CircleKV12: I'm not including therapy in this story, but Heero will definitely get the support he needs. I hope you'll like this update :)**

 **Blueashlee1: I'm glad you liked the chapter! I hope you'll enjoy this one too.**

 **Batman: This version of Duo is probably the best person I've ever written, but I like to believe people like that can be real :)**

 **Duaimei: It wasn't so much that he forgot what he was wearing, he forgot about his body. Thanks for reading and reviewing, I hope you will like this new chapter :)**

 **Wu the Stoic: Alrighty**

 **Chibichocopaws: I hope you're alright! Thanks for reading and reviewing.**

 **Hikaru Itsuko: More smexy up ahead ;)**

 **Diana Lua: Thank you so much for taking the time to review as you read through the chapters, that means a lot to me :)**

 **Shiruvia: Thank you for giving this story a chance! I Hope you will enjoy this update :)**

 **The Yaoi Pimpette: Interesting, I didn't consider Heero's actions as abusive; he's never misleading and always leaving Duo an out, but I guess you could say he is misusing Duo's attraction. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, I hope you'll let me know what you think of this chapter.**

* * *

 **Author's note:**

 **So… Tired… But I did it. Here it is.**

* * *

 **READ THE GENERAL WARNINGS AT THE START OF THE FIRST CHAPTER.**

* * *

 **Beta: Shima Yi**

* * *

 **The Neon Spectrum**

 _Not limited to black and white._

 _Not dulled to shades of gray._

 _The spectrum is neon._

 **Chapter NINE –Baby Girl**

Hilde smiled at Duo a lot that evening; he was relieved that she forgave his neglectfulness. He had taken her to her favorite restaurant, and even brought her a bouquet of the kind of flowers that he knew she liked: _"Chrysantesomethings,"_ he told the florist – it was close enough because she knew what he meant. More importantly, he hadn't talked about Heero all night. It was very challenging not to, but it wasn't fair to Hilde to not give her his undivided attention and show nothing but disinterest in her life because he couldn't shut up about himself, and the person he was hopelessly in love with.

She caught him up about recent developments in her job, a cute co-worker she had her eye on, and shared funny anecdotes from the weekend she spent with her parents upstate to celebrate their thirtieth wedding anniversary. She looked as beautiful as she always did: every hair in place, bronze make-up with a dark lip color, and another dress that was made to "make the boys look". Duo certainly looked and she liked that. She talked a lot with her hands, more animated than usual. When her glittery nail polish caught the light, Duo was distracted for a moment as he wondered if it was a color Heero would like.

He was still searching for a better birthday present to give him; his birthday was only another month away. Then he wondered if it would be insensitive to give him something feminine if he happened to be near the male end of the spectrum at that time – how was Duo supposed to prepare for that? He berated himself for not paying attention to his friend again and refocused on Hilde.

Following the conclusion of another humorous story about the oddities of her family, Hilde finished her glass of wine and a waiter instantly appeared to top off her glass again.

"Hey hey hey," Duo chastised lightly, "take it easy, sir. Don't think I didn't notice the price on that glorified grape juice."

Hilde laughed but kicked his shins under the table anyway. She shot the waiter a sweet look and thanked him before he walked away to serve other guests. "Don't make me feel guilty about enjoying this, Duo," she said. "If you can't afford this place, you shouldn't have taken me here."

"I can afford it, I was just joking," he assured her, which was weird. Normally she was in tune with his humor. The evening had been nice, but he felt like she had been missing her cue all throughout dinner. He hadn't made her snort-laugh even once and he didn't understand why; she was clearly having a good time, and she wasn't angry with him anymore.

"It's really nice of you. Thank you," she repeated for the umpteenth time that evening, being a little too polite for Duo's liking. He didn't feel confident enough to call her out on her odd behavior. He didn't want to cause friction between them anew. "So~o," she started, pausing to savor her last bite of filet mignon. "Did you take my advice? Did you move on?" She didn't look up from her plate.

Duo stiffened in his seat. "We don't have to talk about me." What he meant was: we don't have to talk about Heero. Once he'd start, he wasn't sure if he could make himself shut up again.

"Duo, come on. I'm sorry I snapped at you last time; I was just sick of it. I didn't mean I just wanted you to be quiet and be my audience. We're friends – we're supposed to share our lives." She encouraged: "Tell me what's new."

"Uhm… I- uh… I don't know. It's hard to say."

She rolled her eyes at his reluctance.

Giving in, he blurted: "I guess we're dating now. Kinda. Sorta." He scratched the back of his neck sheepishly.

Hilde chuckled coyly and took a sip of wine. "Maybe." Then she froze and her brows pinched together in a frown. "What do you mean?"

He shrugged; it was hard to explain, hard to quantify. It was just a feeling he had. "We haven't gone on an official date – or out at all, in fact – but we're closer now. We're definitely more than roommates, and more than friends."

She put the glass down and chewed on the inside of her cheek. "You and Heero."

"Yeah." He felt guilty when he noticed the hurt expression on her face, but he didn't understand why she was getting upset – she did just give him permission to talk about Heero, right?

Hilde flashed a smile. "'Closer' how?" She inquired.

"For starters, we've been having sex," Duo replied; he hoped his bluntness in the fancy restaurant would prompt the trademark chortle out of her, but her expression was indifferent. "And sometimes we just make out. We'll be sitting on the couch – and he's been sitting really close to me lately, always leaning against me – and he'll start touching me and kissing me. Without the goal of sex, or anything; it's just sweet and…" A bright smile appeared on Duo's face as he let himself get lost in the memory of last Saturday. "I don't have much experience with relationships," he eventually continued in the silence that Hilde had allowed to stretch, "but it feels like we're a couple."

After some more silence on her behalf, she wondered: "But what about 'the secret'?"

"Oh, it's fine." He took his last bite and washed it down with wine. "Honestly, it's not even a big deal in my opinion. I was expecting something awful, but it isn't that at all. Not to me, at least."

She snapped her head up at him. "What are you talking about? You know what it is? You know the secret?"

He grinned at her shocked tone. "Yeah."

"Oh my God!" She exclaimed, then shot apologetic looks to the guests at the surrounding tables whose quiet dinners she had disturbed. She leaned in closer and for the first time that evening; she truly felt like his old friend again – the friend that liked to gossip. "Tell me. What is it?"

Duo shook his head. "I don't think I can tell you."

She looked offended. "Why not?"

"Because it's _Heero's_ secret. It's not mine to tell."

"What would it matter? I hardly even know him and we have completely different social circles – besides, as if I would ever tell anyone anything that you've told me in confidence."

Duo quirked an eyebrow at her.

"I wouldn't!" Hilde insisted, too loud again for the quiet restaurant; her shrill voice cut through the indiscriminate murmur of the other guests.

"I don't know… it's personal."

"Yeah, but you just told me it isn't even anything bad."

"Well, not exactly. I said I didn't think it was anything bad. But some people do. Some people would use it against him."

"Do you think I'm one of those people?"

Duo sighed. "Of course not." Hilde was open-minded and a true woman of the twenty-first century – nothing fazed her. Hell, she was the one who pointed out to him that he might not be as straight as he always thought!

"Don't you trust me?"

She had him backed up against a wall, with the way she was blinking at him with big, innocent eyes. "He's not… fully male," He finally said, and his face contorted. It didn't feel right telling her that, in spite of the fact that she was one of his closest friends, but it was hard to keep a secret from her when she was pressing him. He suddenly had a lot more sympathy and respect for Quatre; Duo gave him a hard time, but he still protected Heero's secret, no matter what.

"What does that even mean?"

"Let's just drop it, I shouldn't have said anything."

"Like, he likes to dress up as a chick, or something? Like a drag queen?"

Duo wasn't going to say any more about the subject, but her comment rubbed him the wrong way; he felt like he needed to defend Heero against her rude misunderstanding. "No, it's not like that. He doesn't identify as either of the binary genders."

Hilde frowned. "What? Binary-… Huh _?_ "

 _Alright, maybe not quite as "twenty-first century" as I thought_ … "He doesn't identify as male or female, but rather, everything in-between."

Her confusion was not resolved. "What's _between_ male and female? Is he intersex?"

Frustrated, Duo explained: "No. His _sex_ is male. But gender and sex aren't the same thing. Gender is a spectrum and his gender identity kind of floats along that spectrum."

She raised her eyebrows and sat back. "Holy shit. That's weird."

"Don't be like that," he warned. If she said anything worse, he knew he'd get mad at her and he didn't want to have to resort to that. "He still hasn't totally figured himself out yet and it's hard on him, but he's handling it and now that I know, I can help him; I can be there for him."

"And you're totally fine with that? That sounds pretty intense to live with. Wouldn't that put a strain and-… a burden on both of you? You don't think that's a big deal?" Her eyebrows pinched into a frown.

"No. I'm on a spectrum myself. I'm not fully straight, nor am I fully gay, I can be attracted to either sex and either gender. I guess 'pansexual' is the word, but I don't really feel like labeling myself." Duo shrugged. "So, why would it be an issue for me?"

Hilde looked like she had something to say, but decided not to because she knew it would press the wrong buttons; she simply said: "Okay. That's cool."

"What? Spit it out," Duo demanded, leaning back in his seat.

"I'm just worried for you. That's all," she answered honestly, although Duo got the sense that she was still holding back. "You might disagree, but I think it's a big deal. I worry that you don't fully know what you're getting yourself into."

Duo knew Heero shared her concerns, but he wished they would both trust him to know what he did and didn't want, and what he could and couldn't handle. He wanted Heero and he knew he could handle this – even though it could get challenging at times. "You don't have to worry about me. I got this."

She cast her gaze down into her glass of wine, clearly unconvinced.

With the way she was reacting – completely unlike he expected her to – he regretted telling her all the more and stressed: "You can't tell anyone."

Hilde snorted. "Give me some credit, okay? Of course I won't tell anyone. I can't even if I want to," she went on with a joking tone. "What was the word? 'Binary'? Fuck, this feels like math. Can't explain math to anyone either."

Duo smiled, put at ease by her making light of it, like he had initially expected she would.

"So, do you think Heero is in love with you too?" She continued curiously.

"No." He chewed on the inside of his cheek, but then added with a hopeful tone and a silly smile: "Not yet."

She nodded, but didn't smile back at him.

* * *

X

* * *

"Do you mind if I host girl's night here tonight?" Heero asked offhandedly when he walked into the kitchen one morning.

Duo thought for a moment. It was a Friday so it was no threat to their treasured pizza-night, which meant he had no objections. "Not at all." He didn't even look up from his phone and continued scrolling through the news feed, catching up on everything that had gone wrong on the other side of the world while he slept. _Ooohh, a cat video!_

Noting the delay in his answer, Heero wondered: "You sure?"

Duo pocketed his phone when the cat video looped for the third time – it hadn't been that funny. "As long as you promise not to go out and get yourself in trouble tonight."

Heero smirked suggestively. "Not tonight, Daddy. I promise," he purred.

Duo grinned; the nickname was odd, but didn't make him feel weird like he thought it might. "Do you want me to make myself scarce, or-?"

"It's your place too, Duo. I'm not implying that I want to get rid of you for the evening. I'm asking because I we won't do it here if it's weird for you."

"Why would it be weird?"

Heero smiled.

"Might not get home until late anyway, come to think of it. I'd best make use of the last of the good weather." It was a temperate climate, and the winters were mild but rainy; riding his motorcycle in the rain was no fun.

Heero knew what he meant. "Okay. If the weather holds up, maybe I can ride along with you next time?"

Duo blinked at him and then an exaggerated smirk tugged at the corners of his mouth. "You'd like that?"

"If you would, yeah."

"I'd love it!" Even though that one night when he picked Heero up at the bus stop had been horrible, Duo did like the way it felt having Heero's arms wrapped tightly around him and his chest pressed against his back. "Is there, like, a moment or timeframe that would suit you best?" He asked, dancing around the real question in an attempt to be respectful and hide his ignorance.

Heero's smile was kind and understanding. "I'll like it regardless of whether I'll feel boyish, or girly."

"Okay. Sometime next week, then? We'll do it after work one day – I'll take you to that diner that I once told you about."

"The one with 'the _best_ curly fries in the _world_ '?" The other wondered with an exaggerated tone.

"That's the one."

"Great."

Duo nodded and it felt like they had just agreed to a date – their first, official date. Instantly, he was giddy with excitement. He stared into the pretty blue eyes for as long as he could before he'd be late for work. They said their goodbyes and Duo was about to lean in for a kiss, but he stopped himself. Heero was always the one to initiate and it was safer that way.

He had a good day at the shop – he didn't have a run-in with Jamie – and he was looking forward to his road trip in the evening. More importantly, his general mood was elevated by the prospect of his relationship with Heero finally going somewhere. If only he could think of the perfect birthday present – as if _that_ would be the way to convince Heero that he was the right guy for him after all.

During his lunch break he occupied himself by scrolling through his different social media feeds and texting back and forth with Quatre, unsubtly fishing for an invitation to dinner at their place: he asked about their plans for the evening, and what their private chef would be serving. Once arrangements for dinner were made, he went back to work.

Hungry after a long day and not wanting to make Quatre and Trowa wait for him, he took the quick route to the remote mansion: following the interstate most of the way before he had to cut through the forest on smaller, winding roads. The sky was gray, but he checked the weather forecast on his phone before leaving; the clouds were supposed to clear away without any rainfall.

"Oh, God, you came on your crotch rocket," Quatre said by way of greeting, his tone laced with dismay. He held the door open, allowing Duo to step inside, but he kept glaring at the motorcycle parked in his driveway.

Duo smirked at him and ruffled his own hair, since the helmet usually flattened in a very unflattering way. He put the black helmet on the bench in the foyer; the inner linings of it once smelled like Heero's delicate perfume – from when he wore it that one night – but the scent had faded regrettably. He shook off his leather jacket and toed off his clunky boots as well. He rolled up his greasy jeans at the ankles and Quatre routinely warned him not to sit on any of the white furniture.

"Duo, good evening," said Trowa. He sat elegantly in the sofa by the lit fireplace, his legs crossed, an open book balanced in his palm. He was a vision of sophistication; the scene reminded Duo of classic Hollywood movies.

"He came here on his crotch rocket," Quatre informed him and Duo laughed at his use of the crude word again. Trowa raised an eyebrow.

"I don't know what you have against my motorcycle. She's done nothing wrong."

"That thing scares me, you know it does. Especially driving down here – those forest roads get so muddy."

Duo shook his head and glibly replied: "Heero isn't scared. Not even when he's a girl." Both Quatre and Trowa were a little taken aback by the ease with which Duo brought up the 'big gender-struggle', as if it was insignificant and inconsequential. "You're just a wuss, Quat," he continued and sat down on the dark brown, leather sofa across from Trowa.

"He is," the taller one agreed and shot his partner a cheeky look.

"Heero is coming along with me for a ride next week. If it doesn't rain," Duo crossed his fingers, hoping it wouldn't.

"You're in a chipper mood," Quatre observed. "And you're basically gloating. I take it things are still good between you and Heero?" He seated himself on the armrest, close to his lover.

"Very good," Duo answered and his lips spread into a smile.

"People always ask me for advice, but they never take my advice," Quatre muttered exasperatedly. "I tell Heero it's a bad idea; I tell Duo it's a bad idea… But what do they do?" He shook his head at them. He had warned Duo – and Heero – several times that the time was inopportune for them to try and have a relationship, with Heero only just starting to figure himself out.

Duo was about to defend himself, but a dramatic eye-roll from the blonde clued him in that he wasn't being too serious and was just poking fun at them. Duo lit up at the possibility that perhaps even Quatre was starting to support the idea of the two friends getting together.

After a pleasant dinner, the weather forecast turned out to be correct. It was dark outside, but the sky was clear and there was no wind. Duo stepped into his boots and slipped his jacket back on. He toured for nearly two hours and got lost a couple of times on the back roads. He enjoyed swerving left and right along the windings roads, bouncing and vibrating on the uneven surface; when he was done with that, he sought after the thrill of the highway, speeding North and South a handful of times, as if it were a race track. The engine roared beautifully as he opened up the throttle. He had been improving and customizing his current bike for the past five years, and he was starting to feel like she was done; that made him a little sad. He toyed with the idea of using his savings to buy a new fixer-upper, but to be able to finance the product, he'd have to sell his baby – he couldn't imagine being able to part with her, now that she was perfect.

It was ten thirty when Duo arrived back at the apartment building; he had stored his motor cycle at the shop and leisurely walked home. He texted Heero along the way, to give him a head's up that he was about to come home, just to be sure.

The only reply he got was: _**Be warned. The nail polish fumes are toxic.**_ Followed by a string of emoji's.

Duo knew Heero not to be the emoji-type, so the array of silly, yellow faces implied he'd find their little wine rack raided. He made a mental note to add wine to the grocery lost for the next day, in preparation of pizza night. He heard the laughter first, as he still stood on the other side of the door. After purposefully jingling his keys, he unlocked the door; he smelled the nail polish second. "Toxic" was not an exaggeration, but he downplayed his reaction.

He poked his head around the door and peeked into the living room. "Hello everyone," he said, gauging their reactions before he stepped further into his own apartment.

Nicole, Heero and Drew were seated on the couch, while Annessa was on a pillow on the floor, on the opposite side of the coffee table. The table was littered with wine glasses, three bottles of wine, countless bottles of nail polish, empty snack bowls, make-up, and black and white cards that Duo recognized as their "Cards Against Humanity" game. Nicole mock-gasped at Duo's entry and made a show of trying to cover herself up before she burst out laughing, very much drunk beyond inhibitions. Heero and Drew joined her in laughter, while Annessa – being the flirt that she was, if Heero's stories were any indication – wiggled her fingers at Duo in a coy greeting.

They were all dressed in revealing night wear of silk and lace, but Duo paid no attention to anyone other than his roommate; he was wearing a set similar to the one he had worn before, when he crawled into Duo's bed that one, particularly horrible Saturday night – the previous girls' night. This set was a dark burgundy color that looked nice against his warm skin tone. He sat on the seat of the couch, with his legs folded underneath him. The shorts hiked up his thigh, the fabric of the top had pooled in his lap, the lacy hem dipped low on his chest and one of the straps was close to slipping off of his shoulder. His eyes were smoldering with dark make-up that they experimented with; his bangs were pulled back and held in place by a black headband, and he wore a matching, velvety choker around his neck.

Duo didn't miss a beat though, when he noticed the hint of uncertainty in Heero's eyes. He stopped his staring and walked in, as casual as you please, kicking the door shut behind him. He stripped himself of his jacket with his back turned to them and one of them catcalled – Nicole or Annessa, he couldn't tell. He faced the group again and took a few steps towards them, wanting to show that he wasn't uncomfortable or weirded out. "Are you drunk or high on the fumes?"

"A potent mixture of both," replied Drew; her voice was deep. She winked at him.

Duo smiled in return. "Are we out of wine?"

"Probably," said Heero, loosening up in his presence.

"Do you need me to run by the seven-eleven and stock up?"

"That's sweet, but I think we've had enough."

"Alright." He shrugged. He pointed his thumb over his shoulder and said: "I'm just gonna grab a beer and I'll be outta your way."

"You can join us if you like," Annessa offered; she ignored Heero's jealous glare at her shamelessly suggestive tone.

"Nah. It's girls' night. I'd be the odd one out," Duo replied and noticed both Heero and Drew smiling warmly at his response, feeling validated in their gender identity. He grabbed a bottle of beer from the fridge, like he said he would, and headed for his bedroom. Walking past them, he waved halfhearted and joked: "If it goes quiet, I'll send the HAZMAT team." A chorus of giggles rewarded him for his humor.

Duo was standing in front of his bedroom door, halfway down the hallway and out of sight from the main area of the living room, when Heero called after him. He waited and soon Heero appeared, walking towards him barefoot, his long legs a wonderful sight. Heero didn't stop until their chests were barely an inch apart; he raised himself up on the tips of his toes and planted the sweetest kiss on Duo's lips. He then lowered himself back down and pulled at his full, bottom lip with his teeth in a hesitant gesture. His gaze averted Duo's for a moment.

The American smiled at him, perplexed by the unexpected, domestic kiss that warmed his heart. "What was that for?" He wondered softly.

Heero looked back at him and the corners of his mouth curled up ever so slightly. "Welcome home," he said, after a moment of contemplation.

Catching on that he was hiding something, Duo dipped his head down; his nose nearly touched Heero's. "Is that really what you came all the way over here to say?"

Heero shook his head and he was such a cute sight: he bounced up on the balls of his feet, and almost kissed Duo again instead of elaborating in response to the other's question. He planted his heels back down on the floor, distancing their lips – as far as Duo would allow. "I wanted to say…" He paused and studied Duo's face, as if he was searching for a reason not to say what he really wanted to. He couldn't find any, and the smallest smile graced his lips. He whispered: "I think I'm falling in love with you."

Duo stared. His heart stopped, or so it seemed. He waited and waited, then there it was again – a heartbeat – delayed, but stronger than ever. For a split second, he worried if Heero was just _that drunk_ , but his blue eyes were clear and shone with warmth, honesty and vulnerability. He clasped his hand around the back of the other's neck and pulled him forward, crashing their lips together in a desperate kiss. The other arm snaked around the slim waist, pressing his smaller body tightly to his. At first Heero chuckled into the kiss, endeared by Duo's elated and grateful reaction, but soon he got swept up in the intensity of the kiss and their lips and tongues moved together with passion.

In the living room the three other girls laughed at something, but Heero nor Duo paid them any attention, getting lost in one another. Duo poured everything of the past year into the kiss, and Heero seemed to understand how much his words meant to him – how much he needed to hear them. They parted with a gasp, and Duo buried his nose into the warm skin of Heero's neck. He switched one hand to Heero's shoulders, and moved the arm around his waist down below the swell of his behind and he lifted him up effortlessly; the small body was lightweight and besides, Duo felt stronger than ever.

"Thank you," he whispered in his love's ear. Heero tightened his arms around Duo and let him hold him, his feet dangling as he was raised about a foot off the floor. Duo moaned as hot lips pressed kisses against the side of his neck; Heero's hands found his braid and held onto it as if he was holding on for dear life. "Are the girls spending the night?"

"Not anymore," Heero muttered, drawing a chuckle from the American.

Duo hummed against the warm skin and breathed in his scent greedily. "You smell so good." It was the same light, floral perfume that had lingered in his helmet.

"And you stink." Heero patted his back, indicating that he wanted to be put down. "Go take a shower," he said, once he was firmly placed on the floor again and there was some distance between them. "I'll round up the flock and get them an Uber."

Duo smirked. "Yes, ma'am."

" _Ma'am_?"

Duo's face went hot and red. _Was that wrong?_ He was mortified.

Heero quickly put him at ease. "I'm not old enough to be a 'ma'am'." He put his hands on his hips.

"Sorry. _Miss_ ," he amended.

"That's better." Heero pivoted on his heels and joined the other girls in the living room again.

Duo did as instructed and took a shower. There was no avoiding washing his hair, but he figured he had some time until their guests got dressed and were able to leave them alone. Even under the loud spray of the water, he could hear their fits of giggles and catcalls; it appeared that the three of them were very much aware of why they were being kicked out. He made a dapper effort with the blow dryer for about fifteen minutes before giving up. The thick hair was still damp, but not to the point that it would soak the sheets, so he could deal with it. When he pulled the plug out and silenced the blow dryer, he noticed the quiet in the rest of the apartment and realized it was just him and Heero left. He made haste braiding his hair and putting on a pair of sweatpants – nothing else.

Duo snuck into the living room where his roommate was making a halfhearted attempt at cleaning up some of the mess. "That can wait until morning," he said, his tone purposefully husky.

Heero straightened up and flashed him a grin. "I suppose you're right." He put the stack of bowls back down on the coffee table, not even bothering to walk them over to the sink. He stalked towards Duo and let his hungry gaze move up and down the muscular body in front of him. When he was close enough he let a hand trail down from Duo's shoulder to the elastic waistband of his sweatpants, and flicked the pull-string that held it tied around his hips. "Wait for me in your bedroom? I need a minute."

Duo would never deny Heero anything. He nodded and went into his bedroom, but not before kissing that sweet mouth – like making him a promise. He made himself comfortable on the bed, sitting back against the headboard. He then had the forethought to push the sheets down to the foot of the bed first, so they wouldn't be on top of them and he could pull them up later to cover them. He also prepared the condoms and the lube, placing the items under his pillow where they would be easy to grab. It looked grotesque simply leaving them out on his nightstand.

About ten minutes later Heero joined him in his room. The movements of his body were elegant and sultry. He flicked the light switch of the overhead lamp, leaving the room bathed in only the orange glow from the small lamp on Duo's bedside table. Duo didn't know what Heero did that had taken ten minutes. He was still wearing the same clothes, the choker and the eye make-up; the only discernible difference was that he freed his wild hair from the headband. Heero crawled onto the bed and on top of Duo, seating sideways in his lap. Duo put his left arm around Heero's waist and placed his right hand on one of the bent knees. The weight on his lap felt nice, reassuring. He angled his head up, waiting to be kissed and content simply watching his beautiful face.

"You're so pretty," the words escaped him in a breath. He caressed his hand a little further up the smooth thigh. He stopped himself before his hand touched his groin; instead, he lifted it and ran his knuckles along Heero's jawline, appreciating his delicate features. "You're perfect."

"I am not," Heero argued with a soft but serious tone.

Maybe that was true, but another thing was also true: "You are to me." Duo stroked along the bottom lip and some of the subtly glittering lip-gloss was transferred to his thumb. "God, these lips…" he extolled.

Heero leaned closer, letting his forehead rest against Duo's. "Kiss me…"

Their mouths merged together. The kiss started out slow, only letting their lips touch and move together, without the intimate entwining of their tongues. Duo relocated his hand again, slipping it between the creamy thighs pressed together, but not close to the telling bulge in Heero's lap; he wasn't hard yet, but the manly shape of his body could not be hidden by the thin, silky fabric of the shorts.

The thighs clamped shut, holding his hand in place, and Heero inhaled sharply before deepening the kiss. He fisted one hand into the hair under the base of Duo's braid, and the other he ran up and down Duo's arm, from his shoulder, to his elbow, to where his hand disappeared between his legs. Duo was painfully hard – his erection was trapped under Heero's body – but for the time being, he was too absorbed in the kiss to even think to move.

The younger one removed his hand from Duo's arm and pressed his hand into his own groin, trying to hold down and hide his arousal. The American shifted their position: he rolled them over until Heero lay on his back, and Duo was half next to him, half on top of him. Their lips never separated. Two small hands explored Duo's naked torso, the pads of the fingers digging into the muscles. He ground his pelvis against Heero's hips, relieved to have his weight off him – however light he was – and the friction through the thin material of his sweats was wonderful. One of his hands cupped the back of Heero's head, tilting and angling him as he took control of the kiss, and ravished the pliant mouth. His other hand was free to wander. Heero's legs were slightly bent at the knee and parted; Duo dragged his coarse knuckles along the inner thigh, taking care to stop before he touched the most intimate parts of him, even though he was dying to feel him in his hand – to feel his tangible need and desire.

Duo moved to lay his hand on the other's belly, but as he swung his arm up, he grazed past the erection that tented the silky shorts and nearly peeked out of it. Heero groaned in response to the touch, but it wasn't a pleasant sound. His lips pressed into a taut line and for a few seconds, he wouldn't open his mouth for Duo's tongue that was begging for entry. Duo wasn't sure what to do, but he assumed pausing and making a big deal about it – regardless of his best intentions – would only make his lover more self-conscious. He slipped his hand under the top, letting his fingers ghost across the smooth plain of his abdomen. The touch was so light it was nearly ticklish, and Heero arched into it, seeking stronger contact. With a gasp, Heero's mouth opened and welcomed Duo's tongue again. Feeling encouraged, Duo inched his hand up, perfectly in tune with the other's body language, and he could tell that more intimate ministrations were desired; he flicked his thumb against one of the hard nipples, and Heero's back arched off the bed again like an electric current passed through him.

Duo chuckled against his lips and whispered: "Feel good, baby?"

"Hmhm." The demanding hand on the back of Duo's neck made it apparent that Heero did not wish for him to stop his assault on his mouth for the purpose of speaking. Getting the hint, Duo continued to kiss him and drink the small, favorable sounds. His thumb rolled over the nipple for a while before he pinched it between his fingers and tugged at it. Heero squirmed and bucked his hips, perhaps finding some sort of friction in his shorts that alleviated the ache in his manhood that Duo was very familiar with.

"Can I take your top off?"

Heero nodded eagerly, not even his discomfort at the disparities between what he felt like and what his body looked like could stop him from agreeing. Duo smiled gently and sat up to help Heero out of his top. He let the supple fabric caress the skin as he pulled it away from him.

As soon as the top was discarded – it wasn't _Chanel_ , so he hoped it was okay that he tossed it onto the floor next to the bed – he resumed his position at Heero's side, but rather than diving back into their kiss, he latched his mouth onto his throat and worked his lips down from there. He found the other nipple and suckled it into his mouth, lapped at it with his tongue and worried it between his teeth. His fingers kept the other nipple stimulated. Heero rubbed his knees together and twisted his hands into the pillow case above his head, in an effort to lay still and not disrupt the attention Duo paid to his body. Gasps and moans tumbled from his lips.

"I love how sensitive you are," the taller man whispered; his hot breath against the wet skin must have felt nice because Heero tossed his head back and just let out another sound of pleasure. "Your body is amazing."

"Nnn…"

Duo chuckled at him being unable to respond. With Heero's head tossed back onto the pillow and his eyes squeezed shut, Duo dared to let his own lusty gaze travel down his body – his exposed throat and the shadow that licked at his Adam's apple; the defined collarbones and the red hue on his neck and chest; one wet nipple that glistened in the orange light and the other dusky one, still pinched between his fingers – it was all glorious. Heero's stomach quivered and the lowest ribs showed through the skin with every sharp intake of breath. His erection had slipped out of his shorts, standing upright through the opening of his right leg. The crown was swollen and red and Duo wanted to lap up the white pearl of pre-come. His long, golden legs were restless; rubbing his knees together and moving his arched feet.

Before Heero could notice that he had been staring and get a chance to grow uncomfortable, Duo pushed up along his body again to kiss his mouth. "I want to take off my sweats – is that okay?"

"Yesss," Heero whined. "I want to touch you."

With some effort, he shimmied out of his sweatpants and kicked them off his legs – he didn't know where they landed. In the meantime, Heero tucked himself back into the flimsy shorts; Duo pretended not to notice. He wanted Heero to do whatever would make him feel most at ease. He could only imagine how hard it was being intimate with someone with a body that didn't feel like your own.

They lay next to each other, on their sides. Duo lay still, letting those blue eyes examine his exposed body. He smirked when Heero bit his lip in anticipation; the smirk quickly melted away when Heero enveloped his cock with his hand and stroked him lovingly – there was no other word that fit better.

"Fuck, yeah…" He ground out. Their lips found each other again.

Soon, the urgency he felt could no longer be denied. Duo pulled Heero closer to him and let his hand trail down his lover's spine until he encountered the elastic band of the shorts. He paused, and his fingers circled the small of his back, wordlessly asking Heero for permission. He supposed Heero tightening his hold on his length – drawing a shaky moan from him – was his answer, and he slipped his hand into the shorts.

His searching fingers stroked into the cleft between Heero's cheeks and he felt the wetness of excess lube. His middle finger rubbed against the opening and, acting on a hunch, he pushed the finger in to the first joint – the channel was relaxed, welcoming, and slick. Then Duo knew what Heero had been doing in the bathroom for ten minutes before joining him in the bedroom: he prepared himself – cleaning, stretching and applying a liberal amount of lube – because a "real woman" wouldn't need to be prepped.

Sadness tugged at Duo's heartstrings; he wanted to tell Heero that he didn't need to do that alone, in shame, but he didn't want to ruin the moment – it wouldn't make his lover feel better anyway – so he went a different route.

He inched his finger further into him and moaned as he explored the warm, slick sheath. "You're so wet, baby. You're so wet for me."

A deep moan escaped Heero. "I want you."

"You feel so good. You feel so _ready_."

Heero nodded.

"Take off your shorts." It was the first time he ordered him to do anything, but he did so purposefully. He wanted Heero to take off his shorts in a way he was comfortable with and position himself the way he wanted. They parted so Heero could get naked, and Duo applied a condom onto himself. He poured extra lube onto his cock as well, just to be sure. His lover laid down on his side, presenting his back to Duo. Although he would have preferred to make love face-to-face, he stood by what he always said: he would do and be anything for Heero.

Duo pressed himself up against him and positioned the head of his erection against the opening. "Is this what you want?" He applied more pressure and the ring of muscles started to stretch around him.

"Yeah."

In a single, smooth thrust he united them. Heero's body accommodated him easily and they both moaned as he slipped into him to the hilt. Duo wrapped his arms around him and kissed his neck and shoulder. "You feel so good…" He moved his hips in a slow rhythm.

"Yeah?"

"Hmmm… So wet and warm." Duo wasn't really used to much dirty talk, but the words made him feel hot all over in the best way, and Heero certainly enjoyed the assurance as well. They moved slowly, enjoying the way their bodies fit together. For a long time, it wasn't about reaching a climax, but inevitably Duo felt himself get closer to that point, speeding up his thrusts to get more friction. He worried about how Heero was going to reach his orgasm. He wanted them to come together. "Do you want me to touch you, or do you want to touch yourself?"

Heero scrunched up his face, confused and unsure. "I don't know."

"Can you come off just my cock?"

"Probably. But not like this." Heero looked over his shoulder; his eyes were clouded, but the lust could not hide his vulnerable expression.

Duo knew what he meant; his heart skipped a beat. He pulled out of him and maneuvered their bodies until Heero was on his back and Duo was positioned between his legs. He never broke eye-contact. Heero wrapped his legs around his hips and his arms around his neck, pulling him closer. They locked lips, but their kiss became distracted when Duo pushed back into him and resumed their rhythm.

"Is this good?" He panted.

"You gotta sit up."

Duo did as instructed, straightening up. He hooked his hands under Heero's knees. He tried a few different angles with his hips, searching Heero's features for the best results. When his cock pushed past the prostate just right, it was readily apparent in the way the intimate muscles tightened around him and Heero's jaw dropped open in a soundless moan. He smirked at the reaction. The next time, Heero's response wasn't soundless.

"Nnn! Oh, that's it!"

He continued working his hips; sweat beaded on his forehead and trickled down his temples. He licked his lips. He had trouble not letting his gaze travel down Heero's body, and kept his eyes focused on the passionate dark blue. "Is that your sweet spot, baby?" Without a thought, he amended: "Is that your _G_ spot?"

"Ahh!" Heero squeezed his eyes shut and his body went tighter still.

"Does my cock feel good in your pussy?" It was a bold thing to say, but his bravery was rewarded with another sharp moan and a single nod. "Ohh, yeah. Your pussy is all filled up with me." It was clear Heero was enjoying the fantasy, tossing his head back and clutching at the pillow case. He looked so beautiful, with his shapely eyebrows pinched together in pleasure, his dark hair fanned around his head and his parted lips glossy with saliva and what remained of his lip balm. "You're so pretty," Duo praised thoughtlessly. He wasn't trying to manipulate him, he meant every word he said. "You're my pretty girl."

"Ah! Fuck, oh God!" Heero arched his back off the bed. He was close but not close enough. His eyes flew open and that was when he caught Duo looking at his body – looking at the erection that danced with surges of blood flow, and leaked pre-come into a puddle on his tense stomach. He reached his hand down to cover himself, his cock twitching into his touch.

"You are perfect. Let me see you."

Heero bit his lip. He removed his hand, his finger grazing along the sensitive skin, making his balls draw up tight at the base of his erection. His blush was one of embarrassment.

"Don't be ashamed. Everything your body does is perfect, and exactly what I want." Duo let his greedy gaze appraise him, trusting that his expression conveyed how much he enjoyed the sight of his lover. He met Heero's eyes again. Heero was entranced, studying his face. "You see me looking at you, baby?"

He nodded.

"You see how much I enjoy looking at you?"

"Hmhm."

"I wish you could see what I see. One day, you will." Duo adjusted Heero's legs over his shoulders and placed a kiss on either calf. The movements of his hips continued and Heero's discomfort and self-awareness soon melted away. Duo grunted with each thrust, and Heero's moans became increasingly sharp, as they built towards a common goal.

"Oh! Duo!"

"Yeah, come on, baby-girl. Take us there," he purred.

Heero arched his back off the bed and clamped his muscles around Duo's manhood when he reached his orgasm. For the first time, he let out a loud cry in the midst of his ecstasy. His cock twitched and pulsed as he shot his release onto his stomach and chest. If the sight alone wasn't enough to take Duo with him to new heights, the grip Heero's body had on him would have done the trick as well. He was so tight Duo couldn't move, even if he wanted to.

His release had him seeing sparks and everything went black, but he fought to hold onto his consciousness. His breaths were harsh in the silence that followed. He managed to open his eyes. Heero's mouth was open to pant as well. His blue eyes were still shut. His hands – which had nearly ripped the pillow case – lay limp on either side of his head. His entire body was relaxed and supple in the aftermath of his powerful orgasm.

Duo pulled out carefully and wrapped the condom in a tissue from the drawer in his nightstand. Then he used more tissues to wipe up Heero's come, all the while whispering sweet nothings to him, comforting him on his way down from his high. He tossed the tissues onto the floor and bent forward to lick the last milky white droplet off his lover's neck.

When he pulled back again, hooded blue eyes stared at him. Duo smiled at him and kissed unresponsive lips; Heero was still too dazed. "Hey beautiful, welcome back. Where did you go?" He chuckled lightly. Duo lay down beside him – Heero's eyes didn't follow him, they stared up at the ceiling – and he rained kisses on his cheek and the shell of his ear. "How do you feel, baby-girl?"

Heero blinked at the pet name; he must've remembered that it was the nickname that pushed him over the edge moments ago. "I feel…" he started, but then needed a moment to find the right word. "I feel pretty." His voice sounded tired, but content and at peace.

Duo smiled and petted his hand through the wild, brown hair. "You _are_ pretty. You are my pretty girl."

"Yeah," he agreed absentmindedly.

Duo continued to kiss his cheek. His heart swelled with happiness; he felt so grateful that he had been able to make Heero feel so good about himself. It went beyond sexual gratification. It went beyond an earth-shattering climax. He made him feel like himself – "mostly female" – during sex, and that was special to Heero, he could tell.

He stopped when he felt wetness against his lips and tasted saltiness. He pulled back and his heart sank at the sight of tears trickling down Heero's temples, but then noticed his eyes were still serene. He wiped the trails away but new tears kept falling. "Are these sad tears?" Duo wasn't sure.

Heero let out a small sob and then his lips curled into a smile, in spite of his tears. "No."

Duo kissed the smiling lips and then rolled Heero onto his side. He grabbed the sheets and pulled them up to cover them, and then nestled behind his lover, spooning against him and holding him tightly in his arms. He nuzzled his nose against the back of Heero's neck.

"Thank you," Heero mewled after a long silence.

"You're welcome."

* * *

X

* * *

The next day, Duo stood at the stove, baking eggs – sunny side up – when two arms locked around him and a small body pressed up against his back. He felt the tip of a sharp nose between his shoulder blades and a warm breath through the thin material of his shirt. "Good morning, sleepy," he greeted and covered the hands on his stomach with his own.

"Good morning," Heero mumbled into his clothes. "You cleaned up." Duo shot a look at the pristine living room; he had cleared away the mess the girls made the night before, while he let Heero sleep in. "Why didn't you wake me? It was my mess."

"You needed the rest. You were the one who drank too much wine yesterday, after all."

"Hmm, but you're the one who exerted himself most in bed." Duo smiled imagining the smirk Heero must have sported as he said that. "You looked so good, hovering over me. Holding yourself up with your thick arms. You're so broad and big."

"Are these compliments or are you trying to tell me I'm fat?" Duo jokingly asked.

"You're perfect," was Heero's reply, mirroring what Duo told him the night before.

"Hmmm… That's nice."

"Last night was perfect."

"I'm glad you think so too," he said smartly. There was a small sense of regret when Heero let go of him, but that was eased away when Heero tugged the elastic band free from the end of his hair – mentioning it was "all messy" – and he worked his fingers through the hair to unbraid it. Duo knew his usually sleek hair would be wavy because he had braided it the previous night while it was still damp. He enjoyed Heero running his fingers through, gently loosening a few knots, before he braided the hair anew.

"I love your hair," he said.

Duo smiled. "Thank you." He was kind of proud of his long tresses. All his life, people told him that he ought to cut it because he'd look more "normal" with regular, boyish hair; that had been exactly the reason why he rebelled against the norm and never heeded that advice. Duo had always been an outcast, growing up in Quatre's well-mannered family, getting thrown into a lifestyle he wasn't used to – like galas and boarding schools – and being surrounded by stuck-up people who thought they were better than him. If that was "normal", then Duo did not envy it and he did not identify with it. His hair was his way of showing that he didn't belong, and that he was not ashamed of that.

"Why did you grow it out this long?"

Duo told him the story, while Heero finished braiding his hair. He wanted to turn to face him, but he had a feeling Heero was purposefully hiding. The hands let go of his hair and massaged his back.

"What would you think if I grew out my hair?"

"I think you'd look great with hair at any length." He let out a hearty laugh when Heero slapped him at his proper – too proper – response. "I think I'd like that. Have you been thinking about it?"

"For years."

Duo frowned. "Why did you never try it?"

"I always thought I'd make _it_ worse if I embraced that there was another side to me."

The American nodded, understanding what he meant.

"I thought that, if I could just hide that part of me – even from myself – it would go away; it would lose its power over me."

"But that didn't work," Duo surmised.

"No. Now, I think-… I think it's better to embrace it. It feels better. I feel less _torn_."

He nodded. He remarked with a humorous tone: "We could braid each other's hair." He hoped his joke wasn't inappropriate.

Heero chuckled. Finally, he came to stand beside Duo, revealing himself. He leaned the small of his back against the kitchen counter. His hair was still tousled but he had taken the time to clean the make-up off his face. When Duo woke up next to him about two hours earlier, he had smiled at the black raccoon circles under his eyes.

What made the American smile again was the realization that Heero was wearing one of Duo's shirts – which he last saw tossed over the back of the chair in his room, not quite dirty enough to warrant a tumble in the washer, but definitely close to it, after a day's wear. The shirt was far too big on him. The collar was lopsided and exposed one clavicle, and the bottom hem of the shirt skimmed the top of his thighs, like an obscenely short dress. He wondered if Heero was wearing any underwear.

Rather than spend the duration of breakfast wondering, he snaked a hand around him and fondled his ass. He felt the texture of lace through the thin cotton and flashed Heero a grin. "Can I see?" Heero turned around, more comfortable with showing his behind, and raised the shirt just enough to show off the edge of the navy-blue lace. "Wow. I like these." Duo cupped the smooth ass cheek and thumbed along the trim of the panties.

Heero pulled the shirt back down, pushing away Duo's hand in the process, and he shot a bashful look over his shoulder. "I'm hungry," he whined. "Take care of me?"

"Working on it," Duo said with a laugh and he lifted the eggs out of the pan and onto a plate, just in time as the toast popped out of the toaster.

" _Timing_."

"I'm going to pretend I planned it like that."

"And I'll continue to pretend I'm impressed."

"Ouch. Sassy little thing."

Heero stuck his tongue out at him and moved across the kitchen to the coffee machine. "Coffee?"

"Yes, thank you, dear."

The other smiled and retrieved two clean cups from the drying rack on the counter and prepared them their morning brew. Duo set their plates on the table and waited for Heero to join him. He made an appreciative sound when the cup of steaming hot coffee was placed in front of him and the strong smell hit him, already working to fully wake him up and energize him, even before the first sip.

They ate and talked about mundane things – the grocery list, among other things. Duo thought they were having an enjoyable time though, until Heero zoned out of the conversation and reached for his phone that had been on the table. He was further disappointed when his roommate said: "Is it okay if we skip pizza night tonight?"

Duo's crestfallen expression made his defeat obvious. His tone did as well as he replied with a shrug: "Sure, I guess."

Heero chuckled at his pathetic demeanor. He showed him his phone, revealing that he had been looking up the weather forecast for the day. "It's going to be sunny all day," he explained, watching Duo's face light up as the man realized where he was going with this. "I was thinking we could take that road trip today and eat at that diner?"

"Yeah!" Duo practically bounced in his seat. "Yeah, totally!"

"Okay!" Heero mirrored his enthusiasm. "What time should we leave?"

"Maybe four-ish? Make use of the daylight and take the scenic route; then we'll be there in time for an early dinner. That way we can head back before it gets too late – it gets a little chilly later in the evening."

"Sounds like a plan." Heero sipped on his coffee pensively. "What in the world am I going to wear?"

"Probably not a skirt," Duo deadpanned. Heero rolled his eyes. "Jeans are best; denim will protect your legs – short of actual leather motorcycle pants – if we fall."

"Do you think we're going to fall?" Heero sounded worried.

"No, no!" Duo waved his hand dismissively. "That's just something you always have to take into account. That's why we wear helmets too, just in case."

"Oh, okay. Any other tips?"

"No _Chanel_. Something warm and a leather jacket over the top."

"I could do that. But then I still don't know what to wear; I have, like, _seven_ leather jackets."

Duo shook his head at him, bemused. "Of course you do."

They spent the rest of the day doing their own thing. Duo imagined that Heero spent most of the time fretting over what to wear. That thought both amused and endeared him.

"Are you about ready?" He called from the living room at a quarter to four.

"One second!"

Duo smiled when Heero didn't join him until a full minute later. He wore black jeans and the magenta sweater Duo had seen before. He was just in the process of putting on a black, leather jacket. It wasn't a particularly feminine outfit, but the activity didn't really allow for it.

The American noticed the rose gold earrings; he touched his finger to one of the earlobes and then flicked the dangling earring. "Those will probably get uncomfortable under the helmet."

Heero made a face. "You're right." He took them out and was about to put them down on the dinner table.

"Don't," Duo stopped him. "Put them in your pocket. You can put them back in when we get to the diner."

"No, it's fine."

"Please? I like them. They looked nice."

Heero smiled and put the earrings in one of the breast pockets of his jacket.

"Ready?"

"I guess so."

Duo extended his hand out to him and Heero accepted it. They walked to the garage hand-in-hand, admiring the weather. Duo made him promise to tap his side should he get scared at any point once they were on the motorcycle. "Just let me know if I'm going too fast, or taking the corners too sharply."

Heero leaned into him as they walked, letting their shoulders bump together. "I'm sure it'll be fine."

Once they reached the back entry of the work shop, Heero pulled his hand from Duo's grip. Duo hadn't even been thinking about it, but as soon as Heero retreated his hand, he realized that he wouldn't mind his co-workers knowing about the new relationship. He wasn't really friends with any of them, but he knew most of them were decent people – at least decent enough to mind their own business – and he could handle Jamie. So, he quirked his eyebrow at him and tried to grab his hand again.

Heero shook his head. "It'll be easier this way. Trust me. Don't be too eager to jump into that part of it."

"Okay. But I'm not ashamed of you. I'm not ashamed of us."

"I know." Heero followed him into the garage, one step behind.

Mark spotted the twosome crossing through the main work area and called over to them. "Duo, coming in on your day off?" He joked as he approached them, rubbing his hands clean on a rag. Of course, he knew Duo only came to pick up his bike. Mark reached out and shook Heero's hand. "Hi, I think I've seen you here once before, but I didn't get a chance to introduce myself. I'm Mark."

"Good memory. That was about a year ago." Heero replied.

"Almost exactly," Duo interjected.

"I'm Heero, by the way."

"I remember because I know some of my employees were being rude and I had to have a talk with them," Mark explained, looking apologetic. "I was with a client at the moment, or I would have put a stop to it."

Heero was a little flustered at the older man bringing up the incident of Jamie and another employee making crass remarks about him, when he showed up to invite Duo to his birthday party. "Thank you."

Mark nodded. "Have a nice day," he said and then he returned to his work.

They headed into the adjoining work space that Duo had long claimed as his own. He handed Heero his helmet and grabbed an old spare from the stock room. He took the tarp off his motorcycle and rolled her towards the exit. "Excited?" He asked the other, who was trailing him.

"Yeah."

He navigated the bike around the dismantled car at the center of the work area; that was when he spotted Jamie, who came in to talk with a co-worker, but stopped mid-conversation to stare at Duo and the friend he brought along. He snorted and looked away. Duo glared at the back of his head but he didn't let it ruin his good mood.

Once outside, he climbed onto the seat and put on the helmet that smelled musty. He waited for Heero to put on his helmet as well, and then braced the weight of the motorcycle, with both feet planted firmly on the ground, as his partner climbed on to straddle the back seat. Feeling that his passenger had settled in place, he fired up the engine and twisted the throttle a few times to make her roar.

"Hold on to something!" Duo instructed over the noise of the engine and he was pleased when Heero put his hands on his sides, as opposed to grabbing the sissy bar behind him for support. "Here we go!" Before long they reached the highway, and as they sped up the ramp, Heero shifted closer and wrapped his arms around Duo's waist. Before the roar of the engine would get too loud for him to be heard, Duo asked: "Scared?" He had to shout the question to make sure he would be heard.

"No!" Heero assured him.

He twisted the throttle further and they were practically flying. Duo zigzagged through what little traffic there was, being more careful than usual while still introducing Heero to the thrill that he, himself, had become addicted to. After about half an hour, he steered them off the highway and followed smaller, quiet roads, cutting through the countryside and patches of forest – being mindful of the fallen leaves.

Stopped in front of a traffic light he asked: "Still doing okay back there?"

"Yeah! This is great!"

When the light turned green he sped off and caught the beginning of Heero's excited yelp before the thundering noise of the engine drowned him out.

At a quarter past six, they arrived at the diner named "Curly", remotely located by a long, straight road, right by a gas station. Duo claimed a parking spot and held the motorcycle steady as Heero hopped off. With his heel, he flicked the stand into position and climbed off himself. The muscles in his legs were a little stiff, but it wasn't too bad. He took off his helmet and ran a hand through his hair. Heero did the same. The younger one's smile was bright and giddy.

"That was amazing!" he exclaimed.

"I'm glad you liked it. You weren't scared?"

"Not at all! I didn't want to stop, but then I remembered the ' _best_ curly fries in the _world_ ', so…" He flashed a grin.

"Yeah," Duo nodded his head in the direction of the front door. "Let's go eat." He led the other inside and found them a booth by the window overlooking the parking spot where his bike stood, her chrome gleaming.

"Coming right to ya," said the waitress as she hurried past. She returned a few minutes later to take their order: two burgers with curly fries and big Cokes. Once she scribbled down their order and rushed off again, Heero scooted to the edge of his seat and announced: "I gotta go to the little girl's room."

It was safe to assume he meant the men's restroom, but just didn't want to say that. Duo watched him walk away and sure enough, he headed through the door marked with the classic male icon. When Heero returned, he had taken off his jacket and carried it over his arm, and he wore the pretty earrings Duo advised him to take out earlier.

Heero took his seat and pouted at the empty table. "No curly fries yet?"

"Be patient, young grasshopper."

The waitress stopped by to drop off two enormous glasses of their fizzy drinks and told them their dinner would be ready in a few minutes. The fry cook was hard at work. The diner quickly filled with more travelers – it was the only rest stop for miles in either direction.

"How did you find this place?" Heero asked. He dipped his head and sucked the end of the straw into his mouth to have a drink, not even bothering trying to lift the big glass, filled to the brim with Coke and ice.

"Pure luck. Stumbled across it when I got lost once. I like coming here. It's the perfect distance for a nice ride and there are several routes to take. We took the nature-route on our way over; we can weave through all the little towns on our way back. There are some really cute places along the way. I know one town that has a themed movie theater – every auditorium has a different theme, like Star Wars and Casa Blanca. We can stop by and catch a movie if you'd like," Duo rambled.

"Yeah, I'd like that." Whenever Heero moved his head the dangly, rose gold earrings flickered in the light.

Duo smiled and reached across to flick one of the earrings, watching the light reflect off it. "You look pretty today."

Heero blushed and ducked his head between his shoulders. "I'm not even wearing any make-up."

"You don't _need_ make-up," Duo guaranteed him, "but if you wanted to wear make-up, why didn't you?"

He shrugged. "I just didn't want to draw any attention. Earrings are one thing, but-… I probably shouldn't have worn them either." He fingered his earlobes with a worried expression.

Duo nodded. "I think it's good that you want to err on the side of caution, but you shouldn't have to hide yourself. I knew things went awry last time, but you aren't alone now. I got you," he winked at him.

"But that's the thing: I don't want to get you in trouble," Heero admitted softly.

"What do you mean?"

"When you're with me – especially if I do decide to dress up – people are going to stare at you as well, and be mean to you. You don't deserve that."

Duo offered him a warm smile. He appreciated Heero's concern, but that wasn't a burden that he should bear. "You don't deserve it either. But we can both handle it. If it happens, we can deal with it."

"It won't make you uncomfortable?"

He thought for a moment; he wanted to consider Heero's question seriously, rather than spout out whatever answer he felt would best console him. "I think I'll be a little on edge, but only because I'll be worried that someone will hurt you. I won't be embarrassed, or even thinking about myself. I'll protect you, of course. I can protect you from assholes who want to hit you," he seethed remembering the bruise and the cut in Heero lips, "but I can't stop someone from saying ignorant things, and I don't want you to get hurt."

The conversation was interrupted by the waitress bringing over two big plates with large burgers and curly fries piled on. "Enjoy!"

"Thank you," Duo thought to say, but she was already over at the next table. "Is that something you want to try again?" He asked when they were left in private. "Go out dressed the way you did that night?" He hoped his voice conveyed only genuine interest and didn't hint at any judgment, because that was not how he felt.

"I don't know." Heero popped the first fry into his mouth and moaned. "Hmmm. These are the best curly fries in the world!"

Duo smirked. "Told ya."

Heero ate a handful more before he continued seriously: "I don't really like 'fooling' people, by purposefully dressing in a way that makes my body seem like something it's not, but there is no middle ground. If I don't try to trick people, I'm more afraid of what they'll say, because it will be obvious that I'm not a woman in that way. So, it's kinda like: _I'm_ never one or the other, I'm always in-between; but in public I have to be either fully male or fully female. I take a lot of liberties with what 'fully male' is supposed to look like – I always figure I can get away with a lot of stuff, like a shoe with a bit of a heel, a cute top or earrings – because I _do_ have a penis, after all. But if I want to dress closer to feminine, I feel like I have to go all out to convince people. There's a part on the female half of the spectrum that I feel like I can't express in public."

"I understand what you mean." And as unfair as it was, it was probably for the best that Heero realized he shouldn't push his gender-expression too far in public; it could create unsafe situations. If he dressed convincingly female and no one found out, he'd be fine; but if he were to dress – for example – mostly female but not hiding that his body was male, people could lash out at him. "But if you ever want to try, I'd like to be there for you."

Heero smiled. "I'll let you know."

Duo nodded and pensively sipped his Coke. "What about-…" He stopped himself, worried that he shouldn't keep asking questions, since Heero might not want to answer them, or might not be able to because he hadn't figured everything out for himself yet. He decided to ask anyway: "What about pronouns?"

"What about 'em?"

"It doesn't always feel right to refer to you as 'he'," the American admitted carefully, afraid of saying the wrong things. "Like today, you don't feel like a 'he' to me."

A small smile graced his lips and he sheepishly shared: "I don't feel like a 'he' to me either, today."

"Right. So… would you like me to refer to as 'she'?"

"I haven't really thought about it yet. It's not on the top of the list of things I need to work out," Heero answered with a light tone. "If you're worried about insulting me with 'he' and 'him', don't be. I don't find it offensive."

"Maybe, but it's not _right_ either."

"Yeah," he agreed with a weak nod, "but I don't think 'she' would be right either. And I don't know yet how I feel about 'they'; it sounds so odd, like I have a split personality. Like I'm two different people at the same time, but that's not it."

Duo listened attentively.

"And it would be hard to keep track of. It's such a hassle. I don't like the idea of having to announce my pronoun at any given time. For now, I like 'he', even if only because it's simple and I don't have to think about it. Whether it's right or not is really a non-issue for me at this point."

"But you might like different pronouns, someday?"

After a moment of thought Heero said: "Yeah. Maybe." He smiled at the idea, like it was something to look forward to in the future.

"Will you tell me when that day comes?"

"Of course." He said it so easily, like Duo was a natural part of that future; that caused a warmth to bloom in the American's chest. Heero popped another fry into his mouth. He unsubtly but amicably changed the subject by commenting: "These fries are really great."

Duo smiled at him. "They really are."

They enjoyed their meal. The hamburgers were so big even Duo couldn't finish his – and he admitted to polishing off an extra-large pizza once or twice. After dinner, they took a short walk, following a trail looping through a patch of forest surrounding the diner. They headed back towards the parking lot as it started to get dark, but before they stepped out into the open area and into sight, Duo grabbed Heero's wrist and tugged him close to kiss him. He tasted the salt of the fries in his mouth.

"Ready to go?" He mumbled against those soft lips.

"Hmhm."

"Wanna go to that movie theater?"

"Only if you pick a boring movie and promise to make out with me."

Duo grinned and held out his pinky, waiting for Heero to curl his around the little finger. "I promise."

They mounted the motorcycle again and took a different route headed back home, passing through several small towns. At the movie theater, Duo bought them tickets to a cheesy, low-budget sci-fi movie that they viewed in the Star Wars themed theater – a Jabba-the-Hutt replica was seated up on the balcony, looking down at them. Other than the ugly alien, they were completely alone. However, the movie turned out to be hilariously bad, and they both had tears in their eyes from laughing as they ridiculed the flick.

During the break, Duo attempted to get up to get them popcorn, but Heero pulled him back down by his sleeve and attacked his mouth, forcibly getting the make-out session that he was promised. Duo wormed his hand into the back of Heero's tight jeans and was pleased to feel the familiar texture of the lace panties. They groaned in dismay when the lights dimmed again – it seemed like they weren't going to pay attention to the movie – but their kiss was interrupted by their laughter when the character on screen repeated his trademark line that had them giggling earlier in the movie, and they mimicked the actor's flat delivery.

After the movie, it was only a short ride back to the garage. Duo used his emergency key to get in. He didn't flick on the lights – the moonlight and emergency exit sign illuminated the open space enough for him to find his way. He parked his bike in her corner and covered her with the tarp, then he put the two helmets on his work bench that Heero was leaning against. His eyes glinted with blue light.

Duo inched closer, recognizing the lusty gaze. "What are you thinking about?"

"Riding you," the other said bluntly.

Duo bit back a groan. He braced his arms against the work bench on either side of Heero's body. Their faces were close, but when Heero leaned in for a kiss, Duo tilted his head back and smirked at him. "That sounds good." He let Heero nibble at his ear and jawline.

"I've been thinking about it the entire time I was straddling that _beast_ ," Heero nodded at the motorcycle.

"Nnn…"

"Take me home, daddy."

"Yeah." He grabbed his hand and pulled him along. "Let's go baby-girl." He locked the garage door, chuckling as Heero couldn't keep his hands off him. He pressed him against the garage door once it was shut. The metal rattled and the noise satisfied him in the quiet of the evening in the dark alley. He plundered Heero's mouth but forced himself to break the kiss and start them on their way home. They held hands, bumped shoulders, recited that horrible line from the movie with monotonous voices, and giggled like excited teenagers.

Right as the front door fell into the frame behind him, Heero attacked him in the most welcome way. He locked his arms around his neck and pulled himself up so he could kiss the taller man. Duo returned the kiss eagerly and kneaded his fingers into the round bottom of his lover. But he didn't want to lose control over himself just yet.

"Babe, wait," he mumbled against his lips. Heero stopped, the interruption left him impatient. "I want you do to something for me first?"

He quirked an eyebrow and waited.

"I want you to go into your bedroom and dress the way you would have wanted to dress for a date, if the rest of the world didn't matter. I want to see you."

Heero snorted. "Pick an outfit? That could take a while."

"I'll wait. I'm happy to wait. I want to see _you_."

"What if I don't want to wait?" He whined.

"Please? I want nothing more than to undress you, but these are not the right clothes for today."

"Jesus, Duo," he breathed. He detached himself and took a step back. "Okay, but if this takes an hour, remember that it was all your own fault."

Duo nodded in response to the warning. He was left alone in the living room as Heero went into his bedroom to get changed. He got himself water from the kitchen, took a seat on the couch and he distracted himself with his phone. Getting warm, he thought to rid himself of his leather jacket and threw it over the armrest. Thankfully, he didn't have to wait that long – he had Heero's impatience and lust to thank for that. He hadn't been waiting for more than twenty minutes; he wondered if maybe Heero had put some previous thought in what he would have actually liked to wear on a date with his roommate.

The door of the bedroom opened and Heero posed in the frame, like a pretty picture. Duo's breath hitched in the back of his throat; he did _not_ regret sending his lover into his bedroom to get changed. He watched – he imagined his eyes were wide and his mouth open – as Heero stalked towards him, but the younger one broke character midway and giggled shyly. He stopped – too far away. Duo smiled at him and beckoned him closer with a crook of his finger. Heero came to stand before him, between the couch and the coffee table, and let Duo feast on the sight of him, even as it drew a bright red blush to his cheekbones.

He looked stunning and so, so sexy in a form fitting dress, knitted of light grey wool. It hugged his shape well, not hiding the fact that his body was male; his flat chest, his slim hips and the bulge between his legs were on display, even though he was actually very covered up. The dress had long sleeves and the cowl neck didn't droop to expose more than the dip between his clavicles. The hem was very short, but only a few inches of skin was showing, since he wore a pair of thigh-high, brown suede boots, golden zippers running down the back of them. Duo's gaze followed the silhouette of the boots, fitted perfectly around his slim ankles and shapely calves, but a little looser around the thighs to allow for range of motion.

"Do you like them?" Heero's fingers traced the top edge of the boots.

" _Like_ them? I think I've just realized I have a shoe-fetish." He hooked his index finger into the opening at the top of the left boot and guided Heero closer until he was standing between Duo's parted knees. He put his hands on the boots – they were warm from the body heat – and smoothed his hands down the back, feeling the soft material and the swell of the calves. "Jesus Christ… You're gonna keep these on, right?"

Heero shook his head. "I want to ride you and it's not comfortable to bend my knees all the way in them."

Duo pouted.

"Don't worry. There's a surprise underneath."

"Hmmm, I can't wait." He trailed his hands up to Heero's ass and brought his face close to his groin. "What about under here? What are you wearing under here?"

"Nothing."

"Nnnn… I think that's the kind of surprise I like." He stood and hoisted Heero up, enjoying the way the hem of the dress hiked up as Heero reactively wrapped his legs around him – and his arms as well – to hold on. Not until their faces were that close together did he spot that Heero had applied some make-up as well: eye-liner, mascara and a reddish-brown lipstick. "Your bedroom or mine?"

"Yours. My bedroom looks like my closet exploded. There's a pile of clothes on my bed, and we are not having sex on top of my clothes."

Duo grinned and walked them over to his own bedroom. He lowered himself onto the bed, with Heero in his lap, and their lips found each other again. He tasted the lipstick; it tasted like chocolate. He ravaged Heero's mouth and didn't care that he got the color all over his own. He rocked his hips up, grinding his erection against Heero's ass.

"I want to get these boots off."

 _Right, they're not comfortable while kneeling,_ Duo remembered, which was exactly what Heero was doing, straddling his lap. He let him slip off his lap. "Let me?"

Heero nodded.

Duo reached around and lowered the zipper of the first boot, down to the ankle where it could open no further. Heero's hands sought purchase on his shoulders, supporting his balance as Duo coaxed the foot off the floor so he could take the boot off. He was no disappointed by "the surprise" Heero had alluded to earlier; underneath the boots, it turned out, he wore thigh-high, navy blue stocking – the thick kind that school girls wore with their uniforms.

"Fuck yeah." Duo made quick work getting rid of the other boot, but put them to the side carefully, betting that the pair of them cost more than anything he owned – the only exception being his motorcycle.

Heero helped him strip out of his clothes, not satisfied until he was seated on the edge of the bed completely naked. The younger one looked at him expectantly, and Duo knew what to do. With both hands, he grabbed a hold of the hem of the dress, and slowly pulled it up Heero's body, letting the bundled-up wool and his knuckles graze the heated skin as he went. Heero raised his arms over his head, allowing Duo to slip the garment off, leaving his body bare, except for the blue socks that reached up to above his knee.

Following a gesture of Heero's hand, Duo scooted further up the bed and laid himself down on his back in the center. Before long, Heero was on top of him, straddling his hips. Duo ran his hands up and down his thighs, feeling the contrast between skin and the material of the socks.

The other reached for the condoms and the lube, knowing exactly where to find it. He was about to pour lube into his open palm and start on getting himself ready, but Duo grabbed his wrist to stop him. "Let me. Please? I want to feel your tight heat with my fingers." He grabbed hold of the other end of the bottle of lube and waited for Heero to let go. When he did, Duo had his answer.

Heero inched forward until he was perched above Duo's stomach, that way Duo could reach better. He coated his fingers and wiggled them to test the slickness. Satisfied that he had applied enough lube, he reached around and found the puckered opening. He worked his fingers into the tight channel, one by one until three fit comfortably. Heero rolled his hips and pushed back against the pressure of his hand.

"I love how this feels," the American said.

The only response was a curt nod. Heero was too caught up in the sensations. The fingers had soon located and proceeded to massage his prostate, at which point he had lost all of his inhibitions. When he had enough of the teasing, he announced: "I'm ready. I need you to fill me up."

"Ah, fuck, baby." Duo blindly rolled a condom down his length and held himself steady at the base as Heero shifted back and positioned himself. He sat his weight down; Duo pulled his hand away and let out a drawn-out moan, ending in a gasp once he was fully seated inside of him.

Neither could wait any longer. Heero leaned his shoulders back and supported himself with one hand on Duo's knee as he worked his hips up and down. Occasionally, he'd stop and Duo knew it was his turn to take control – he'd buck his hips, faster every time he got the chance, until Heero would take the lead again. When he moved, his arousal danced up and down and Duo couldn't help but steal glances at it and lick his lips at the trail of pre-come dripping down the underside of it. It was so red and swollen and dripping, and Duo couldn't fathom how Heero was able to resist touching himself in a state like that. The American himself never had much self-control whenever he was in a predicament like that.

His lover caught him staring and Duo promised him: "It looks good, baby. It looks so good." His mouth fell open, remembering what it was like to feel that weight on his tongue and taste his need. Heero moaned and threw his head back. His cock was twitching. Duo tightened his hands on Heero's thighs, to stop himself from reaching for it. His body looked so beautiful, perched on top of him, pleasuring himself on his dick. Duo wanted to touch every inch of it, but he settled for holding on to the thighs that quivered with exertion and pleasure.

When Heero looked down at him again, his eyes were dark – the blue was nearly black in the dim lighting of the room. He dug his teeth into his bottom lip and then he whined helplessly: "I want to touch it. Is that okay? It's _aching_."

First, Duo's mouth went dry but then it flooded with saliva and he nearly drooled when he spoke: "Yeah, touch yourself, pretty girl. I want you to feel good." His gaze followed Heero's hand as he brought it down and wrapped it around himself, giving a squeeze at the base before dragging it up, milking more pre-come out of himself. He got his fingers wet caressing the head.

"Let me taste it?" Duo begged. "Let me taste your wetness." He opened his mouth greedily when glistening fingers appeared at his lips. He suckled on the digits and the taste took him back to that night on the couch, when Heero was a _man_. He got even more aroused with the combination of the more feminine, coy Heero on top of him and the memory of the manly, confident Heero from before. He wondered what it would be like to fuck Heero while he was like that – he was looking forward to the experience.

With his fingers licked clean, Heero poured some lube into his hand to make it slick, and then he stroked his length again. Somehow, even as Duo watched Heero pump his fist up and down his cock, he was no less of a woman to him. Heero's body was a woman's body, simply because he knew that the soul that occupied it was a woman at the time.

Duo came first; it was too much for him. His hands shifted to claw at Heero's hipbones and hold him in place so he was buried deep inside, and he pretended that the condom wasn't there. The other brought himself to orgasm shortly after, spilling his come on Duo's chest while crying out his name.

"That… was… amazing…" Duo breathed once Heero tumbled off of him and crashed onto the bed at his side. He took a moment to let his heartrate calm down before he started cleaning himself with tissues. Heero's body radiated heat next to his; he rested his cheek on Duo's shoulder and his breath swept across his neck and chest.

Tired blue eyes watched him clean the semen off of his skin. "I'm sorry I made a mess."

"Don't be. I like it messy."

"It's not very lady-like."

Duo turned his head and planted a kiss on top of Heero's head. He mumbled into the hair, sporting a silly grin: "I love your body and how it reacts to me. It's so… honest." His heart warmed when he felt the tension in Heero's cheek, indicating a smile.

Heero propped himself up on his elbow and took out the rose gold earrings, one by one. He reached across Duo's broad chest to place them on the nightstand and then he sat up and peeled off the socks. He pulled up the duvet, rolled up at the foot of the bed, to cover them. Then settled back down, his head on the pillow next to Duo's, a leg draped over Duo's hip – touching his thigh to his soft manhood – and hugged Duo's arm to his chest. "Is this okay?"

"More than okay. I wouldn't have it any other way."

"I had a lot of fun on our date."

Duo smiled at having Heero confirm that it was, indeed, a date. "Me too." He added cheekily: "I told you I could be a pretty great boyfriend."

"Hmmm. I might change my Facebook status yet."

He chuckled at the dry joke.

Heero snuggled closer against him and seemed about ready to fall asleep, but there was a question on Duo's mind, and he didn't want to have to wait to have his curiosity satisfied. "Can I ask you something?"

"Mmm… sure."

"It's kind of personal," he warned.

Heero's voice was deep from tiredness. "We've been 'kind of personal' for a while now."

 _That was true_. "Do you only have-…" He stopped himself before he said "anal sex"; that term didn't seem appropriate and he trusted that instinct. He took a second to think of a better way to phrase his question. Heero was too tired to be impatient anyway. "Do you only have penetrative sex when you're on this end of spectrum? Is it a mostly-woman-thing?"

Heero shifted so he could look Duo in the eyes. Thankfully, he didn't seem offended by the question. "No. I love getting fucked when I'm mostly male too. Why would you think that?"

He grinned at his crass choice of words. "Just because we've only ever had sex while you were feeling feminine. When you were definitely a man, we only sucked each other off."

The other shrugged with one shoulder. "That's what I was in the mood for."

"Yeah, you were." Duo thought about it for a minute and asked: "Is it different?"

"For me or for you?"

"Both. Either."

"I guess. I like it more rough when I'm on the other half. I like taking cock inside me without stretching first, and I like getting my hair pulled and being jerked off so roughly it leaves me a little raw after. I like being treated like I'm not going to break. I have a dirty mouth too."

Duo bit back a groan.

"Sound like something you'd like?"

"Yeah."

"Something you'd like better?"

Duo noticed the change in his tone. "No, I just like variation; it's the spice of life," he said glibly. "I love that, with you, I don't have to choose. I can have everything because you _are_ everything."

Heero buried his nose into the crook of Duo's neck to hide his blush. "I can't believe how accepting you are, of all of this. Sometimes, I get so scared that I might say or do something that makes you realize you don't want to put up with this madness."

"It's not madness," Duo assured him with a gentle tone, although he was sympathetic to his concerns. Quatre and Hilde worried about him too, but he couldn't talk to either of them the way he could talk to Heero. "I've always known that there was… a duality to you, which was exactly what drew me in. From the moment I met you, I wanted to know more about you, and I knew I would never get enough because there would always be _more_ – new things about you to discover. Of course, I didn't understand why that was, but it always excited me." With his arm hugged tightly against Heero's chest, he could feel the other's heart thundering at his words.

"You're amazing…" Heero whispered. "I feel so stupid now, for not giving you a chance sooner, for pushing you away. I wasted so much time."

Duo shook his head. "You weren't ready. Time to grow and figure yourself out first is never wasted."

"God," Heero laughed, "will you stop saying perfect shit for once, and just agree I was mean as piss and unfair to you?"

"Fine. You were a total _cunt_."

He laughed harder; the sound and the rumble in his chest was wonderful. "Fuck, even when you insult me, you're perfect."

Duo chuckled and kissed his forehead. "You were a bitch, but you're my bitch now," he continued jokingly.

Heero replied without missing a beat: "Yeah, I am."

"Are you ready for that now?" he inquired, his tone a little more serious.

"I think so."

* * *

 **I had one hour to myself today and I spent it getting this long-ass chapter ready to upload, so please take a moment to share your thoughts on the story?**

* * *

 _ **Chapter TEN – Everything, Anything, Nothing**_ **will post on 03/12/17**


	10. Chapter 10

**AngelStarlight: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing :)**

 **Diana Lua: Thank you so much for taking the time to leave a review and share your thoughts with me :) This is my first time posting a story while it is already completely finished and it has some major benefits, but I don't think I'll be able to pull it off more often ;)**

 **TanithNight: Haha, thanks :)**

 **Shiruvia: I'm glad you liked it :)**

 **Chibichocopaws: Yeah, this version of Duo is pretty amazing; I'd like to think there are guys like that out there :) I don't have much spare time and my depleted energy translates to not a lot of writing, but I haven't given up on "Dirty Job" and I hope you won't either.**

 **Duaimei: Thanks for reading and reviewing, I hope you will enjoy this update as well :)**

 **Ckhushrenada: The scarf? Funny you should ask… :P Unfortunately, there will be no more dominant-Heero and Duo won't bottom.**

 **CircleKV12: It was a bit of a quiet-before-the-storm. I hope you'll keep reading to find out how it ends. There is a sex-scene in this chapter in which Heero feels masculine, but he's not feeling dominant again. I hope you'll still like it though :P**

 **Tula Fate: Yeah, I guess I'm pretty in love with Duo, he's a kind of guy I'd definitely want to have in my life. I'm glad you're still enjoying the story and I hope you'll keep reading till the end :)**

 **Squidgeit: Thanks! :)**

 **Hikaru Itsuko: I'm glad you liked it. Let me know what you think of this chapter :)**

 **Batman: I hope you'll like this update :) I have a new, extra job, so it's four days in the salon, two at the office and one doing admin, inventory, taxes and everything else I hate doing :/**

* * *

 **Author's note:**

 **A little later than usual, but it's here!**

 **I really think you should look up "Pentatonix - Imagine" on YouTube :) It gives me the warm and fuzzies and makes me think of this version of Duo #TwentyFirstCenturyTolerance**

* * *

 **Beta: Shima Yi**

* * *

 **The Neon Spectrum**

 _Not limited to black and white._

 _Not dulled to shades of gray._

 _The spectrum is neon._

 **Chapter TEN – Everything, Anything, Nothing**

 _I think I'm falling in love with you._

 _I think I'm ready._

 _I think._

It wasn't much, but it gave Duo hope.

The following Sunday was a great, lazy day; they spent it cooped up in their apartment. Heero wore one of Duo's shirts and – at his request – the socks from the night before. They cuddled up on the couch and ate a lot, but missed lunch because they both fell asleep. In the evening, they ordered pizza so they could have pizza-night after all. At the end of the night, Heero slipped down onto the floor, at Duo's feet, and he treated him to a blowjob while he jerked himself off – Duo wasn't even aware of it until, afterwards, Heero rushed to get a wet cloth to clean his come off the rug. Duo called him a "messy girl", and Heero tossed the soiled cloth at him, making them both laugh.

They headed into their own bedrooms because Heero didn't think they should rush things – the relationship process was already plenty expedited by them living together – but Duo couldn't sleep. His bed still smelled of sex and Heero, having neglected to change the sheets, and it made him miss having that body beside him all the more. He extended his hand and stroked the vast empty space next to him, smoothing the folds out of the sheets.

At 1:20 AM his phone lit up; Duo rolled around and grabbed it off his nightstand. He smiled at the text message on the lock screen.

 _ **Just my roommate: I miss u**_

Before he replied, he thought to change Heero's ID in his list of contacts.

 **Miss u 2, feeling lonely**

 **Come join me**

 _ **Everything: no**_

He pouted, but then leaped out of bed when he received the next message:

 _ **You come here.**_

Clutching his phone to his chest, Duo hurried out of his bedroom. Even though he had been invited, he still halted at the door and knocked.

"Who's there?" Heero wondered with a comically over-acted tone. Then he said: "Come in here and hold me, you oaf."

Duo opened the door just enough to slip inside and closed it behind him. Heero's room smelled nice; it smelled of new clothes, make-up, light perfume and leather. The room was pitch black. He waited a while for his eyes to adjust, but he still couldn't see a damn thing. "Is there anything on the floor that is going to make me trip and embarrass myself – or kill myself?"

"All clear."

Remembering the simple layout of the bedroom, Duo cautiously walked forward. He got a little nervous letting go of the wall and stepping into nothingness, but his searching hands soon found the tall iron frame at the foot of the bed. He took a few more steps and, when he reached down, his hand found the silk sheets over the soft mattress. He slipped under the sheets and scooted forward until he found the warm body waiting for him. Heero turned around in his bed so his back was facing him. He searched for Duo's arm; when he found it, he grabbed the wrist and pulled it around him. He entwined their fingers against his chest and sighed when Duo spooned behind him.

"This is better," Duo said and kissed the back of Heero's neck.

"Just for one night. We are becoming _way_ too codependent."

Heero kept his promise. He didn't invite Duo into his bedroom again the next night. Duo eventually fell asleep holding his phone. He missed him, but it kept things kind of exciting too. They only spent the nights in each other's bedroom after a date that ended with sex. Not all of their dates ended in bed; when they didn't, Duo would walk Heero to his bedroom door – like walking home a date – and they'd share a kiss goodnight and part ways. It was oddly romantic.

He had to beg Quatre, but the blonde agreed to let him take Heero out on a date for his birthday, as opposed to celebrating it with friends. Duo got warm and fuzzy feelings thinking about how last year, he got a pity invite to Heero's birthday bash – before then, he was never even invited. This year, Heero was happy to spend his birthday alone with him. The birthday boy looked so good in black slacks and a black turtleneck – the front tucked into the pants. He was manly, yet elegant, and dressed the part for the fancy restaurant Duo was taking him.

The forty-minute drive in the Uber alone set him back quite a bit, and the dinner would be more expensive still, but Duo wanted it to be a special evening. The restaurant was on the top floor of a tall hotel, overlooking the city. Beyond the perimeter of the suburbs, the highway was visible in the distance and, with the constant traffic, the road looked like a string of white and red lights draped across a black landscape. Their table for two had a perfect view and Heero's smile was beaming as he appreciated everything.

A waiter poured them the wine of Duo's choosing, then handed them both leather bound menus and gave them a minute to look over the options.

"Hm, no curly fries," Heero remarked, feigning disappointment.

"I'm sure you'll find something you'll like." Duo looked over his own menu, torn between several dishes. "What are you getting as an appetizer?"

"I was thinking the crab cakes…but it doesn't say anywhere that they're 'the _best_ crab cakes in the _world_ ', so how am I supposed to know if they're any good?"

Duo let out a hearty laugh. "Alright, Sassy."

Heero hid his smirk behind his menu.

When the waiter returned, they ordered their appetizers and main course, already looking forward to the separate dessert-menu. They drank wine and leaned in close across the table, their voices soft as they spoke; the topic evolved from the view, to how their day had been, to last year's birthday party and what an asshole Heero's boyfriend had been.

"You're not breaking up with me, right?" Heero verified.

"As if you'd get rid of me that easily. No, you're stuck with me."

Just as their appetizers were served, a couple was seated at the next table over. Duo stole a glance, his eyes drawn by the glitters on the young woman's dress; that was when he noticed her boyfriend looking at the two of them, with an expression on his face like he was trying to solve a complicated math problem. Duo didn't think much of it and focused his attention on Heero; he asked how he was enjoying his crab cakes.

"They're delicious. _Best_ in the _world_ , I'd dare say," Heero shot up a cheeky look.

"Now that it's official, they ought to put that on the menu."

"Why yes, they really ' _ought to_ '," he concurred, mocking his choice of words with a posh British accent.

"Hey, just because I'm a mechanic doesn't mean I'm always a woulda-coulda-shoulda kind of guy," Duo defended himself and as punishment, he stole one of the crab cakes off the plate for a bite. He was going to put the rest of it back, but Heero said:

"Keep it. It has had your dirty mouth on it," he deadpanned.

Duo ate the rest of it and tapped his mouth as he chewed. "This has been in some nasty places."

Heero chuckled. "I know." They both blushed and laughed, and Heero stole one of Duo's canapes.

From the corner of his eye, Duo noticed the man at the table next to them looking over again, but he ignored him. _What the fuck_ _is_ _his deal?_

The waiter came to clear away their empty plates and serve them more wine. Knowing they would have some time before the main course, Duo couldn't wait any longer to give Heero his present. He reached into the breast pocket of his jacket and produced a square, flat box, wrapped in black paper and a silver bow. He put it on the table and nodded at it. "Better than socks, I promise," he said when he caught his date's apprehension.

"Duo, you didn't have to get me a gift. I noticed the menu didn't list any prices; I know what that means."

"I wanted to give you a real gift. Come on, it's not even that expensive, so don't get any ideas." He nudged it closer towards him.

"Alright," Heero snatched the present off the table in a way that betrayed his excitement. "If you insist."

"I do."

Heero tucked his index finger under the bow and pulled it loose; the wrapping paper tore away easily. He shot a look up at Duo before lifting up the lid, revealing his present in the velvet-lined box. Heero's smile was beautiful as he appraised the three simple, matching bangles: one silver, one gold and one rose gold. Each one was inscribed with a different word on the inside - "nothing", "anything" and "everything".

"They're gorgeous", Heero said. He took them out of the box and angled them in the light, catching sight of the inscriptions. "What do they mean?"

"You can decide that yourself," Duo answered. He felt giddy seeing the happy glint in Heero's eyes. "For example, you can use them to communicate preferred pronouns, whenever your ready – one for 'he', one for 'she' and one for 'they – or indicate if you're on either end, or somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. But it can be anything you want. It's not for me – I'd love to understand you with a single glance, but I could never anyway," he flashed a grin, "It can just be another way for you to express yourself, even in public when you feel like you can't express who you are, without anyone else needing to know what they mean. It's just for you. And if there's nothing you'd want to say with them, you can just wear them because they're pretty." Duo kept his voice hushed, so Mister Side-Eye at the next table wouldn't overhear. It was none of his business.

"They are pretty," Heero agreed wistfully, turning them in his fingers, making the light reflect off of them. "What about the inscriptions?"

"Just me being cheesy." Duo shrugged, and felt impish and embarrassed all of a sudden.

Heero smirked. "Tell me," he urged.

"Don't be sassy," he pleaded.

"I can't make that promise. Besides, you love it when I'm sassy."

Duo chuckled and then confessed the meaning of the words: "You're _everything_ to me, I'd do _anything_ for you and _nothing_ can stand between us."

Heero stared at him, wide-eyed, and then directed his gaze down at the bracelets. "Jesus, Duo." His voice was raw.

Duo's heart shattered when he noticed his date wipe a finger by his eye. "What's wrong?"

"I was feeling so manly today, and now you've gone and made me cry like a little girl," Heero said sheepishly. He wiped his eyes again before looking up with a breathtaking smile. Duo reached across the table and squeezed his hand, but regrettably, he noticed the waiter coming towards them and he gave his date a head's up. Heero put the box to the side to make room for his large plate, and his hands and the bangles disappeared under the table.

"The lamb chops with balsamic reduction…" the waiter announced, "and the grilled halibut with cilantro butter. Enjoy your meals."

"Thank you," the two said in unison and the waiter strode off.

When Heero brought his hands up, he was wearing all three bangles on his left wrist. They fit him well, not too big so they could slip off easily and get in the way. Duo smiled and touched them and the slim wrist they adorned for a moment. "Looks good on you," he complimented.

"I love them. Thank you."

"Better than last year?" he teased.

"Yes. Although, I'll have you know: I still have those socks. They're nice and warm; I wore them in bed all through last winter."

Duo chuckled. "I'll have you know, I actually bought you a better gift last year…"

Heero blinked at him. "You did? Why did you give me socks instead?"

"I chickened out," the American explained with a shrug, "I was way too in my head about it."

Heero smiled sympathetically. "What was it?"

He felt a little embarrassed talking about it. "A scarf. A burgundy-colored, cashmere Tom Ford scarf."

The other cocked his head sideways and a confused little frown appeared between his brows. "Why didn't you just give me the scarf this year? I love Tom Ford."

A mile tugged at the corner of Duo's mouth. "No, you _loved_ Tom Ford. It would have been the perfect gift last year, but not this year. I haven't seen you come home with a Tom Ford shopping bag in seven months."

Heero laughed. "You are way too observant. Do you still have it?"

"It's been hidden under my bed ever since," Duo admitted with a slight blush.

"You should wear it yourself, I bet it'll look great on you."

"I already have a scarf," he argued dumbly.

" _Honey_ …"

They both laughed and continued with their main course and light conversation. Heero's foot found his under the table, and he planted it so their lower legs touched; the simple bodily contact comforted them both. They were both stuffed after finishing their plates, but could not resist the temptation of a sweet dessert, so they had the waiter bring them the dessert menu after he topped of their wine glasses again.

When Heero suggested they share the slice of salted almond truffle tart with a wink, their neighbor exclaimed, too loudly to be ignored: "You've got to be fucking kidding me."

Duo looked over, hoping his remark had nothing to do with them, but his heart skipped a beat when the man was looking right at him. "Excuse me?"

"Honey," the man's girlfriend – or wife – tried to calm him down, but he paid her no heed.

"Could you tone it down?" The man asked gruffly. "We're trying to enjoy a nice dinner here. We're not paying good money for dinner and a show. A _freak_ show."

 _Oh, you think you're clever, don't you?_ Duo narrowed his eyes at him. "What, exactly, is your problem, sir? We were enjoying a nice, quiet, dinner ourselves until now." He glanced at Heero when the younger man said his name; he could see the plea to keep the peace in his eyes, but Duo wasn't about to back down. This was precisely one of those moments that Heero had warned him would come, and he wasn't going to roll over and let some asshole insult them without letting him know how ignorant he was being.

"I got nothing against _queers,_ " the man claimed, but the way he spat the word – like he barely stopped himself from calling them faggots – implied he was lying, if not to them, than to his girlfriend or to himself. "But I don't need to have my nose rubbed in it."

Duo let out a scoff. "We weren't even doing anything."

"Please! Holding hands; crying over a dumb gift; playing footsie under the table; now you want to feed each other some fucking _tart_."

That was when Heero's foot disappeared, retreating back to his side of the table.

"Honey," his partner said again and she shot the other couple an apologetic look.

"No, don't 'honey' me as if I'm wrong!"

The host of the restaurant, assisted by a waiter, noticed the exchange becoming heated and he approached the two couples and came to stand between the tables. "Is anything wrong?"

"Yes!" Duo and the man said in unison.

"He's being inappropriate with his boy-toy!"

"He's being an ignorant asshole," Duo seethed in turn.

"Please, sirs, let's not let this get out of hand," the host tried to placate them.

The girlfriend looked up at the host. "If we could just be seated at a different table? Everything will be fine. We don't mean to cause a problem."

"No!" Her boyfriend – or husband – argued. "We're not moving. They should move."

"Duo, let's just skip dessert and go," Heero suggested.

"No!" He objected but then he caught sight of Heero's eyes, begging him to not make the scene any worse. He just wanted to do the right thing and stand up against the jerk insulting him and his boyfriend, but he realized he wasn't making his date feel any better by trying to out-shout the guy. He conceded: "Alright. Yeah, let's go. We'll have dessert somewhere else." He pushed his chair back and stood up, and Heero gratefully followed suit.

"Yeah, McDonald's or something," the man at the other table sneered.

Duo didn't respond. He hooked arms with Heero and they headed for the bar at the other end of the restaurant, near the elevators. The host followed them and apologized profusely for the rudeness of the other guest. To compensate, the wine and the appetizers were on the house. Duo paid for the main course, and left such a generous tip that the wine might as well not have been free; then they left.

They waited for an Uber in the downstairs lobby. "I'm sorry about shouting," Duo started. "I just wanted to stand up for you, knowing you've had to deal with asshats like that your entire life."

"I just wanted us to get out of there," Heero replied. "Not for me. For you."

Duo raised his eyebrows in question.

"I hate that you have to deal with this too, from now on. Because of me."

The American stepped forward and cupped his lover's sad face in his hands. He couldn't stand the self-loathing tone in Heero's voice. "Don't think like that. None of this is your fault."

"I _know_ that, but it doesn't _feel_ like it," he explained miserably.

Duo understood, but he didn't want Heero to burden himself with guilt; he had enough to deal with in his life, and it wasn't necessary. He worried about the younger man a lot, who had to face so many troubles because he was different. He wanted to rid Heero of all self-doubt and self-hatred and make him feel only happy and safe.

Rather than trying to reason with that irrational feeling of responsibility, Duo connected their mouths and poured everything into the kiss. He held him close to him and was delighted when Heero wrapped his arms around his neck, pushing himself up on the balls of his feet to better receive the kiss. "Let's go home."

Heero shook his head and bit his bottom lip coyly.

"No?"

"I wanna get a McFlurry."

Duo let out a rumbling laugh. "That sounds good. Let's go check if our Uber is here."

The car arrived to pick them up a few minutes later, and Duo asked him to go through the drive-thru when he noticed the golden arches along the highway on their way home. The remaining time left in the backseat of the car was more than enough for both of them to finish their ice cream, and for things to heat up between them again. Duo kept his gaze focused on the surrounding traffic, and tried not to react when Heero made use of the cover of darkness to reach across the distance between them and fondle him through his pants. He heard the softest clings as the three bangles knocked together with the movements of his wrist.

When the car stopped in front of their building, Duo had money at the ready for the driver. He told him to keep the change and pulled Heero out of the car with him. Inside, he threw him against the wall next to the "up" button for the elevator. He pressed it before molding his body against Heero's and forcing his tongue into his mouth. He knew Heero liked him being rough because he told him, but it was also apparent in his reactions. He ground their pelvises together and loved the friction against the hard bulge between Heero's legs that matched his own. Heero clawed at the front of his shirt, dragging his nails down over his pecs and catching on the nipples. Duo bit into Heero's bottom lip and then suckled on it to soothe it.

Once inside their apartment, they didn't make it to either bedroom. Duo fucked Heero against the front door, unleashing a primal need on him to which his lover responded most favorably. The Japanese man was vocal, not holding back a single groan or cry, and he muttered senselessly about how good it felt to be filled by Duo's "thick, throbbing cock". Duo called him a "dirty boy" – in contrast to the "pretty girl" he had been the other times – and Heero liked it just as much.

"Your tight little ass feels so good. It's so good to me," Duo grunted in his ear.

"Yeah! Oh! Fuck. Fuck me harder!" Duo willingly obliged, rocking into him with wild abandon. Knowing this wasn't going to last long for either of them, Heero continued to beg: "Touch my cock. Please! I want to feel your hand on me." Duo grabbed his dick and pumped him hard and fast with a tight fist, keeping rhythm with his thrusts; he didn't know who came first; it was too close to tell and the pleasure was too disorienting to try and figure it out.

After catching their breath, supporting most of their weight against the door, Duo lifted the boneless bundle that was Heero's body into his arms and carried him to the nearest bedroom – his own – on shaky legs. He undressed them both. Heero was mostly unresponsive, his mind already on the fringes of consciousness. When they were both naked, he joined his lover in the bed, spooning behind him. Heero's hands lay limp on the pillow in front of his face, and Duo trailed his fingers from the shoulder to the wrist, where he toyed with the threesome of metal bangles. He kissed his ear and whispered over and over how much he loved him. He wasn't even sure if his love could hear him, or if he was already asleep. It didn't matter much; Heero wasn't ready to say it back anyway – and he shouldn't just to appease him. He had to _mean_ it, he had to _feel_ it. In the meantime, Duo was not going to stop telling him. He would remind him every day and wait patiently.

Duo had almost fallen asleep himself, his fingers still absentmindedly stroking the bangles, when Heero shifted slightly and the digits of his other hand joined to fiddle with the jewelry on his left wrist.

"I love them," he said again in gratitude.

Duo smiled. "Will you tell me what they mean, if or when you decide on something?"

"I will." Heero took hold of Duo's hand and brought it to his lips to kiss his calloused knuckles.

Soon after, they fell asleep.

The next day Heero was so sore that he winced every time he sat down – no matter how slowly and carefully he lowered his weight – but he promised Duo that he loved the roughness, and even loved the soreness; that eased some of Duo's guilt, and he couldn't help but smirk the next time Heero took a seat.

* * *

X

* * *

During Duo's lunch hour, the two of them texted back and forth.

 **What r u making me 4 dinner tonight?**

 _ **What am i making u?**_

 _ **Im not ur little wifey**_

Duo chuckled. He was just being objectionable for the sake of the joke; technically it was Heero's turn to cook and he never minded. **Fine, do u want me 2 get take-out?**

 _ **I do now**_

 **What are you in the mood for?**

 _Everything is typing…_

 **Me? ;)**

 _Everything is typing…_

 _ **No, wtf**_

 _ **U fucked me this morning, give a girl time to recova**_

 _ **I want something spicy**_

 **Indonesian?** He suggested.

 _ **Read my mind…**_

 **Want a dessert too?**

 _ **Theres still a tub of mint-choc-chip in the freezer**_

Duo made a face and typed quickly: **We r not starting in on ur break-up ice cream! Bad luck!**

 _ **Superstition aint the way…**_

He laughed as he caught the reference to Stevie Wonder's Superstition.

"Texting with your boyfriend?"

Duo looked up from his phone and spotted Jamie by the door, leaning forward, hanging his weight off the doorframe that he gripped with one hand. His phone buzzed in his hand, alerting him to more incoming messages, but he maintained eye contact with his coworker and replied coolly: "Yes. I am." It wasn't worth getting into Heero's gender identity – that wasn't the point. Besides, even though Heero referred to himself as a "girl" and "not his little wifey", he wasn't his _girlfriend_ either that particular day.

Jamie was a little taken aback. He probably had all kinds of clever comebacks prepared for when Duo would try to deny it, and now he was stumped for a response. Eventually, he asked: "So when did you become a fag?"

"I didn't."

The younger man was even more confused by Duo's seemingly contradictive answer and his calm demeanor. He'd been looking to pick a fight and was clearly disappointed that he wasn't succeeding in riling him up. "I don't understand."

"I don't need you to." Duo's phone kept buzzing but he was focused on staring Jamie down.

His coworker scoffed, having nothing clever to say. "Whatever, man." He waved his hand dismissively and walked away.

Duo was proud of himself for not letting the situation escalate – like last time – and he gave himself a mental pat on the back. Heero warned him that things would change, now that his lifestyle wasn't "hetero-conformative", but he could handle it; it wasn't that big of a deal as long as he kept his cool. He glanced down at the screen of his phone and chuckled reading through the string of messages.

 _ **Very superstitious, nothin more to say**_

 _ **Very superstitious, devils on the way**_

 _ **Come on, work with me here**_

 _ **Babe?**_

 _ **Don't u dare leave me on read like this, dont ignore me when im being funnt**_

 _ ***funny**_

 _ **U know im an attention whore**_

He quickly explained: **Sorry bby, Jamie was bugging me**

For a long time the bottom of the app just read: _Everything is typing…_ and Duo waited with growing concern. Before Heero could send his message, Duo decided to assure him: **It was nothing serious.**

Nothing; he had deleted whatever he had been writing. Then a new, short message appeared:

 _ **Maybe we should talk tonight.**_

 **Theres nothing 2 talk about** , he promised him. **I'm fine. I'm not letting it get to me.**

 _ **U wont always have that choice.**_

 _ **Sometimes stuff just… gets IN**_

Duo sighed. He understood and appreciated Heero worrying about him being confronted with homophobia, since it was the first time in his life that it was personal – that it wasn't just empty remarks about his long hair – but as long as he could keep the initial bout of anger in response to their ignorance at bay, he could stay in control of his reaction and his emotions. He wasn't going to let a repeat of Heero's birthday dinner happen; he should stand up for himself, but he had to be level-headed and mature about it.

 **I love you for worrying about me** , he typed.

 **But theres nothing to talk about.**

 **Pinky promise.**

 _ **Its not always going to be easy,**_ Heero responded.

 _ **Someday something will hit u**_

 _ **Maybe when u least expect it**_

 _ **Pinky promise me ull talk with me then**_

Duo smiled.

 **Pinky promise**

 **Why isnt there an emoji for that?** Duo hoped he would succeed in changing the subject. He wanted Heero to stop worrying.

He took the bait. _**I hate emojis**_

 **Not when ur drunk u dont**

 _ **I hate u**_

He snickered. **Liar!**

 _ **Read my mind…**_

* * *

X

* * *

"Honey! I'm ho~me!" Duo called jokingly when he stepped through the front door. He walked into the apartment and put the bag of Indonesian take-out on the kitchen counter. He took off his jacket and put it over the back of one of the chairs at the dinner table. "Babe? You here?"

A reply finally came: "In my bedroom!"

Duo started setting the table, expecting Heero to come out at any second, but once he grabbed the plates, cutlery and two bottles of beer, he realized Heero wasn't joining him. "What are you doing in there?" He came to stand at the other end of the hallway. The door to Heero's bedroom was ajar.

"Just… trying on some stuff."

Duo smiled and shook his head. He remembered his partner telling him that he placed another order online for more clothes. "Well hurry up, your 'something spicy' is waiting for you." He added with a cackle: "And dinner too!"

"You're a funny, funny man," Heero replied sarcastically. "Get in here for a minute."

Curious about seeing what he ordered from the online store, Duo headed down the hallway and pushed the door open. Heero's bedroom looked like a clothing store at the end of Black Friday, which – frankly – it oftentimes did. Two big boxes and tissue paper littered the floor, new clothes with visible tags were laid out on top of the bed, and the doors to the walk-in-closet were wide open; older pieces were draped over the chair and the cast iron foot of the bed.

Heero stood at the center of it all, appraising his reflection in the full-length mirror next to the window. Duo was about to make a mock-snarky comment about his shopping addiction when his brain registered what his lover was wearing.

Black, leather pants.

 _Only_ black leather pants.

The pants were a perfect fit on him: low-riding, hugging his shapely behind and clinging to his thighs, and tapering down to his ankles like the skinny jeans that he loved to wear – that made his legs look so toned and long. There were asymmetrical zipper details - one on the left thigh and one under the right knee – as well as two diagonal patches of ribbed leather, going up from the inner thigh to the outer thigh.

Duo's gaze traveled up to his bare torso. His slim hips and his even slimmer waist – almost cinched, which helped him pull off the feminine fashion that he loved from time to time. His pert, dusty nipples. His slightly flushed chest from trying on all the clothes. His straight shoulders and wiry arms. All of it was on display and Duo gratefully took it all in, unaware of Heero's smirk in the reflection.

Heero put his hands on his hips and cocked them playfully, snapping his partner out of his trance. "Do you like them?"

Duo was unable to speak. He wanted to let his hands do the talking, so he closed the distance between them, being mindful not to step on anything, and he pressed himself against Heero's back. He curled his spine to lay his chin on his shoulder and, with his fingers, he traced the waistband from back to front. He stared at their reflection hungrily and reached lower to feel the supple leather, warm from Heero's body heat. His pale fingers explored, alternating feather light touches with kneading the flesh the leather was molded against.

"They're McQueen," Heero said, as if that would mean anything to "Lumberjack-Duo".

"Hmmm…" He turned his head to suck on a spot of Heero's neck that he knew to be sensitive. "They're hot. _You're_ hot." He rocked himself against Heero's ass and simultaneously cupped the bulge that was prominently visible in the tight leather pants.

"I like them," Heero agreed and scrutinized his own reflection, determined not to get distracted by Duo's touches. "I like me in them," he said with a contented sigh as his body disagreed with his set priorities, and started to respond to the loving ministrations. "I can't decide if I should keep them."

"Keep them," Duo insisted, moving his mouth to worry the earlobe between his teeth. His tongue then flicked the silver stud in his ear.

"They're _McQueen,_ " Heero repeated.

Duo didn't know what he meant by that before, but he understood that this time, it meant they were very expensive. Still, though, the full impact of it was lost on him and he retorted glibly: "You're _my_ queen."

Heero let out a short laugh, like he pitied Duo's fashion-naiveté. "I don't have money like a queen though."

The American never even thought about what all of his expensive clothing added up to, and how he could afford it. "If they're too expensive, why did you order them?"

"Because I fell in love with them…" He replied pitifully. "I ordered them thinking they wouldn't fit me right anyways, so I could fall out of love with them. Technically, they're for women."

Duo nodded; he had figured as much given the tight fit in the front, but in a grotesque way, he liked how they didn't quite accommodate the male form, in the sense that the outline of Heero's cock had been readily apparent, tucked to the left. It showed him off, even more so since he was getting aroused – although that couldn't be comfortable in the confines of the pants. Duo experienced a thrill at his own, conflicted emotions; part of him wanted to cover Heero up and never let him wear the pants outside of their apartment, while another part of him wanted his lover to pair the pants with one of his cropped shirts, then take him out and show him off to the world and make other men jealous. He shivered at the thought of everyone's gaze being drawn to the shape in the front of the pants, knowing that Duo was the only one allowed to _touch_ that body.

"It's not like I can't afford them," Heero started.

Duo chuckled breathily.

"But I'd definitely have to send everything else back."

"Is there anything else from this order that's as good as these?"

Heero smirked. "No."

"You feel good in them, right?" He fondled him more strongly.

"Nnnn… Yeah."

"You like how your body looks in them?"

Their eyes met in the mirror, but then Heero's blue gaze traveled down and Duo groaned. "Yeah," answered the younger man.

"What about when you're on the other side of the spectrum?"

Heero thought for a moment. "I think they'd look good with an oversized sweater, or a shirt dress." He leaned his weight against Duo and covered Duo's hand on his cotch with his own, making him press even harder and rocking into the touch. He started to pant and sweat beaded on his temples.

Duo nodded and whispered in his ear: "Keep them."

"… Okay…"

He smirked and put his other hand on Heero's chin to tilt his face so he could finally kiss his mouth. Heero melted into the kiss and his knees nearly buckled. He let Duo's tongue ravish him, surrendering to Duo's dominance and allowing it to overwhelm him.

The American interrupted the kiss long enough to ask: "What do you want, baby?"

"I want you to fuck me," he groaned, but he quickly added – disappointing them both: "But I'm still sore from this morning. You fucked me so hard with your big cock…"

Said cock twitched at the pathetic, needy whine from his lover. He had definitely been rough with him that morning, because that was how masculine Heero liked it in that moment – no stretching, no easing into it, no going-slow, no sweet-nothings. Duo liked it too, but there was more to sex than whether Heero was feeling masculine or feminine. Regardless, sometimes there was a defined dominant-submissive dynamic; Heero would fully submit to him, letting Duo overpower him and losing himself to a headspace that Duo didn't quite understand yet. And other times Heero would take charge – as a male, or as a female – and Duo was the one to let himself be led; or it would be a constant battle between the two of them; or they would be equals and it would be slow and loving. Heero was every kind of sexual partner, all wrapped in one, and Duo loved everything.

"You wanted it hard; you begged me for it," Duo reminded him with a possessive snarl, "my little size queen." He ground his hips against Heero's ass. "Tell me what you want now, baby. I don't want to hurt you."

Heero didn't have to think. "I want to rub our cocks together."

"Hmmm, good choice." Without warning he twisted them around and threw Heero onto the bed.

He landed on top of the clothes, but quickly raised himself up and pushed the items to the other side of the bed, explaining sheepishly: "If we get come on them, I can't send them back."

Duo let out a deep laugh but then all humor faded from his mind and he crawled on top of Heero, pushing his legs open with his knees. They kissed deeply and Duo's fingers left red marks on Heero's skin as they explored his naked torso.

Heero bucked his hips, but with Duo raised up on his hands and knees above them, there was no friction for him to get to. His hands were free to do with as he pleased, but the kept his fingers twisted into the pillowcase above his head, as if he was restrained and he pleaded helplessly: "Please get me out of these. It hurts. I'm so hard." Clearly, he was still in the same, submissive mood as that morning.

Duo grinned darkly and let him suffer a little while longer, knowing full well he enjoyed some pain mixed with his pleasure – the sharp contrast between the two heightened the experience for him. When he could tell Heero couldn't handle any more, he opened up the front of the pants and pulled down his underwear to free him from the tight confines, but he didn't touch him after that, not giving him any more relief from the building pressure in his stomach. He unbuttoned his own jeans and pushed them down far enough to expose himself, and treated his length to a few pumps.

Noticing Duo was paying attention to his own erection but not his, Heero begged senselessly: "Please, please… make me feel good… please…"

"Don't worry, baby." Duo cupped his face and kissed him passionately, coaxing the other's tongue to come play with his. "I'm going to take care of you."

"Yesss," he hissed. "You're so good to me…"

"Hmmm, you reap what you sow." Duo nipped at the full bottom lip, pulling on the flesh and worrying it between his teeth before releasing. He scooted back and let his hands trail down the length of Heero's arms and down his sides, his touch becoming ticklish as digits ghosted over shadowy ribs. Suddenly, he gripped him more firmly at his hip, with his thumbs digging into the soft stretch of belly between the hipbones. He dipped his head down and licked at the erect nipples, getting them wet to give him a cool sensation as the saliva dried when his mouth navigated down his abdomen.

Heero sucked in sharp breaths, holding them for a while before releasing each with a shudder.

Duo smirked when his chin connected with the wet tip of Heero's erection that rested on his stomach. He sat up between Heero's spread legs and studied his writhing form for his own pleasure. He let him squirm and restlessly toss his head back against the pillow for a while. Muscles quivered under his skin and tendons stood out as his body fought to keep control of itself. His calves rubbed against Duo's outer thighs until Duo redirected his long legs to wrap around him, and his hands enjoyed the smooth texture of the leather pants.

"Please…"

The American kept stroking his hands up and down Heero's legs as he contemplated how to continue. He was definitely power-tripping on the control his partner had surrendered to him. _You reap what you sow_. He smirked. "First, you're gonna show me what a good boy you are, and then I'll reward you."

"Yes. I'll be good. Anything!"

Duo freed himself from the hold Heero's legs had on him and he moved up the bed to straddle Heero's chest, positioning his erection right in front of his face. To make it more comfortable for Heero, Duo grabbed the second pillow and used it to support his head. To allow him to prop him up higher, Heero disentangled his fingers from the pillowcase and his hands reached for Duo, but the bigger man stopped him.

With a single hand, he pinned both wrists above the wild head of hair. "Only your mouth," he instructed, his voice sounding deeper and more commanding than it ever had before, and it had welcome effects on both of them.

Heero parted his lips for him and Duo scooted forward to enter his awaiting mouth. The Japanese man didn't struggle against Duo's hand holding his arms down, and probably wouldn't move them even if Duo were to let go, but he kept his grip on the thin wrists, as an assertion of his dominance. With his free hand, he petted the wild hair and caressed the shell of the ear. Heero further relaxed, thanks to the gentle touch, and when Duo could tell that it was okay to do so, he rolled his hips forward until his entire length fit inside his mouth and throat. Heero's eyes fluttered shut and he moaned around the thick shaft.

Words of praise tumbled from Duo's lips as he carefully rocked in and out of him, being mindful of when he had to pull back and give his partner time to catch his breath. "You're being such a good boy. I love your pretty lips. You're being so good." He felt his climax approaching – it as inevitable to come fast with Heero's warm, willing mouth and his skillful tongue – but he didn't want it to be over yet. With a groan and impressive self-control, he twisted his fingers in Heero's hair, holding him in place as he sat back and let his cock slip from his mouth. As expected, Heero tried to chase him. He kept his swollen lips parted invitingly as he attempted to raise his head, even as Duo's fingers tugging on his hair must have been painful.

Duo sat back further, so he was out of reach; he released his hold on the hair, too afraid of hurting him, and petted his hand over the top of his hair. Duo released his clasp on Heero's wrist as well, curious to see what he would do. Heero's fingers were twitching around handfuls of pillow, but he didn't move them, even as he clearly yearned to touch his lover.

"Please," Heero begged and his voice was deliciously hoarse following the onslaught on his throat, "come in my mouth." He looked up at him with needy, blue eyes. "Come in my mouth, sir."

"Oh, fuck!" Duo exclaimed. He wasn't expecting Heero to address him like that. It elevated their play to a new level and Duo was excited to explore that further, but he tucked away all sordid thoughts for next time. Heero had been good to him and he promised him a reward. "I have something else in mind. Something better." He positioned himself between Heero's legs again and lay down on top of him. Their erections lined up and, with every minute movement of either of their hips, the sensitive skin rubbed together, made all the more pleasurable by the fact that Duo's cock was wet and slippery from saliva.

Duo captured Heero's mouth in a kiss and they both moaned into each other as they rocked their pelvises. He inserted a hand between their bodies and squeezed their dicks together, providing more leverage. He thumbed both their slits – Heero's was especially dripping with pre-come, since his arousal had been neglected for so long. Duo interrupted their kiss and brought his hand up, and Heero eagerly sucked his thumb into his mouth, tasting both of them.

"Ahhh…" Duo stared at the pink lips that sometimes opened to let him see his tongue swirl around his thumb. "What do you want, baby? You've been so good to me, you deserve a reward."

Heero's eyebrows pinched together. He didn't know anymore what he wanted, he had sunk into a headspace where he couldn't think clearly anymore. His eyes were hazy and they begged Duo for answers that he himself didn't have.

Duo could tell he was hard and desperate for release; he had endured enough teasing. "I'm going to suck your cock and take you right to the edge…" He freed his thumb from Heero's mouth with a pop, to kiss him, before he continued: "And then you're going to jerk yourself off while I come on your face."

"Nnnn," Heero moaned his approval.

Duo did exactly as promised. He maneuvered himself to lay between his twitching thighs and worked his mouth up and down his length. It didn't take long to achieve the desired effect, and he had to pull back to avoid a premature release. He resumed the position he had before, sitting on Heero's chest, and he reminded his partner to use his hands on himself while Duo also jerked himself off. Heero blinked and then remembered his hands were free to move. He released the pillow and flexed his stiff fingers before reached down, under Duo, to pleasure himself.

The bigger man came first, with a deep grunt. He forced his eyes to stay open and watched as Heero's face and neck were painted with streaks of milky white come. Heero licked his lips to get a taste of him and then his face twisted in pleasure and he cried out in the throes of his own orgasm. His small body went rigid until suddenly he deflated of all tension and his head rested heavily on the pillow. His eyes were closed and his breathing was slow. When Duo asked him if he was okay, a small smile appeared on his lips. Duo chuckled and leaned down to lick his face clean before kissing him deeply to share the taste. The responses of Heero's tongue were tired and imprecise.

Duo dropped down next to him, making sure there was enough space for his body between Heero and the mountain of clothes he had previously pushed out of the way. He lay on his side and studied his lover who slowly returned to him from wherever he had gone off to. He opened his eyes again and the blue was clear and sparkling, the way Duo was used to seeing them. They stared up at the ceiling. Duo noticed there was still a milky drop on his chin and he wiped it away with his thumb. The gesture caused Heero to tilt his head to look at him finally.

"Hey you," Duo said.

Heero grinned sloppily. "Hey."

"Where were you?"

"What do you mean?"

Duo chuckled. "You went somewhere else. You weren't in here anymore," he gently tapped his index finger on Heero's forehead.

"Hm. I guess you're right." He pondered with a moment and then he whispered: "I think I was in here." He laid his left hand over his heart.

Duo stared at the delicate hand and the threesome of bangles that he never stopped wearing since he was gifted them on his birthday. Duo kissed a line up his shoulder, and his neck to his lips. "Am I in there too?" He covered Heero's hand with his and he could feel the strong heartbeat.

"I think so…"

He smiled. It wasn't an "I love you" yet, but he was patient. "I think our dinner has gone cold," he joked.

They shared a laugh.

* * *

X

* * *

Duo and Quatre were seated on the terrace of a coffee shop in an indoor mall. Their table was right by the edge and they could look down into the three-story atrium and up at the large glass dome. The sky was grey. The banister was decorated with garlands and Christmas lights, but there were still pumpkins and fake spiders on the tables, since it hadn't even been Thanksgiving yet. A waiter brought them their coffees and made a light remark about the handful of bags occupying the two other seats at their table. "Would your friends like to order something?" He jokingly asked, nodding at the bags.

"These basic bitches will have some Starbucks on our way out," Duo returned glibly and he smiled when the waiter looked at him all cutesy before leaving the twosome alone with their coffee and their loot.

"God, I always doubted if 'gaydar' was a real thing, but you are a gay _beacon_ ," Quatre remarked with mock-exasperation.

Duo laughed. "What?"

"Maybe you're giving off pheromones or something."

He shook his head at the joke and took a sip of his scalding, but sweet, coffee. Quatre had a point, especially that day; a lot of guys, particularly the clerks in the shops, had been paying attention to him, even when he made it very clear the blonde was the one whose pants they should try to get into – to get to his sizeable checkbook, that is.

"I bet it's that damn glow. You're like a freaking lighthouse, attracting every gay boy within sight."

"Glow?" Duo looked down at himself. "Am I pregnant?"

Quatre scoffed. "You know what I mean. You're deliriously happy and it shows. It draws people in, apparently."

He took another sip. "I guess I am deliriously happy. Can't really help it." He had trouble drinking with his lips curled into a silly grin.

"Heero has the same glow lately," his friend remarked offhandedly and then he shot him a look across the table. "I'm not saying that means anything. I'm not saying I could have been _wrong_ about it being a bad idea for you two to date… I'm _never wrong_. It could be a coincidence." He rolled his eyes at his own act and flashed a smile.

"I have my ways of proving people wrong." Duo smiled secretively. "He really has been happy lately, right?"

Quatre nodded simply and it relieved him. He had thought so too – Heero seemed more comfortable in his own skin, more balanced and more relaxed; laughter came easily to him and he was more open – Duo was happy to have Quatre confirm his own observations. Heero had lost a bit of that sparkle in his eyes when things went wrong between him and Logan – Duo was grateful to be the one to return the stars to those blue eyes.

"The birthday gift was very, very good," Quatre emphasized.

He smirked. "Yeah?"

"Gods yes. You are such a hopeless romantic."

"Not hopeless!" The American argued. "There's always hope."

"Ugh, that's such a hopelessly romantic thing to say." He winked at him.

Duo traced his finger around the ring of his coffee mug. "He hasn't said 'I love you' yet," he shared, expecting Quatre to already know – since he was friends with Heero too, after all.

"I know."

"Maybe I'm delusional, or full of myself, or completely overestimating just how good that birthday present was, but I feel like he _does_ love me and that he knows it too. It makes me wonder what it means that he won't tell me."

"Aren't you guys going fast enough as it is? Everything considered. You're practically a married couple already."

"Not really. He's also really adamant about not sleeping in the same bed every night. Even though I know he loves to cuddle as much as I do."

"Awww," Quatre cooed and he reached across the table to flick his nose. "Aren't you just adorable?"

"Be serious," Duo whined, but he laughed regardless. "After I kinda 'freaked out' at that guy at the restaurant, he's also been different on dates – less close. To a casual observer, we aren't dating; we're just friends."

"I think he's just giving you both time to ease into it," Quatre continued, all jokes aside.

"I suspect he's just doing it as a favor to me. Like he's afraid of scaring me, or burdening me. He's afraid of changing my life, like he doesn't know he has already changed my life, and it is a change I've been waiting for for years. It's the change I've always wanted."

Quatre chuckled and at Duo's questioning look, he explained: "Now I know what Heero means when he says you always say the 'perfect' things. You really do."

Duo blushed and smiled at the thought of Heero saying nice things about him to their mutual friend. "I don't want him to feel like he's a burden to me."

"Give it time," Quatre advised. "He'll figure it out. He's just testing to see how thick the ice is, he needs to know you aren't going to crack. Like Logan…" He shrugged.

"Logan is a dick," Duo muttered without a thought.

"He really isn't. Logan is _gay_ ; he is only romantically attracted to _men_. Just because Heero's body will always be male, doesn't mean that he always _is_ a man – you know that better than anyone now. You can't blame Logan for not being able to adjust to Heero's changes. I know Heero doesn't blame him. Sexuality isn't something that can be changed."

"You're right," Duo agreed with a sigh. "I know Logan's a good guy, I just still get pissed off; whatever the case, he's an idiot for letting Heero go, but I guess I should be grateful." He flashed a weak smile. "But he's probably the reason Heero is being so careful with me."

"Probably," Quatre concurred, sipping his coffee.

"What can I do to convince him that I'm not going to bolt out the door?"

"I think you're already doing it. Give it more time."

Duo nodded. He had no choice but to be patient. He couldn't force anything.

"How are things between you and Hilde? Is she still being weird?" The blonde inquired.

"A little. It was starting to get better, but I promised her I'd pay her more attention and I've kind of been slacking; I had to ask for a rain check three times. She keeps asking to go out on Fridays or Saturdays, but Friday is date-night and Saturday is pizza-night."

Quatre snorted a chuckle. "You are _so_ married."

"Stop it!"

"You can skip one pizza-night to hang out with your friend," he countered.

"I know, but you remember how new relationships are right? Speaking of being _married_." Trowa and Quatre never officially tied the knot, but they had been together for so long that they definitely fit under the nomer "old married couple". "Besides, she used to be fine with lunch every now and then. But since I took her to her favorite restaurant for dinner once, dinner is all she wants now – dinner and a movie. I think she's abusing my guilt and prying a better meal out of me." He laughed it off.

"Can't say I blame her. When are you going to make it up to _me_ that you were obsessing over Heero all the time and pestering me about the secret?" He deadpanned.

"Hey, I'm paying for coffee, aren't I? And carrying all your stuff," Duo gestured at the bags. "I think my services as your mule are plenty compensation."

They shared a laugh.

"Is Hilde seeing anyone?" Quatre asked, seemingly randomly.

Duo thought for a minute. "I don't really know-" at Quatre's quirked eyebrow he admitted: "I know, I know. I'm still being a shitty friend. I get it. I do remember she mentioned something about a hot guy at work, but that was a while ago. I don't know if that ever became a thing. _Why_?" He thought to ask.

"If she's with someone, it could be fun for the four of you to go on a double date." He explained: "It'd be a two-birds-with-one-stone kind of deal. Technically, you can still have date-night with Heero, while also spending time with your friend. And it's probably a good idea for Hilde and Heero to get to know each other a bit. So far, they've barely met, right?"

"Yeah."

"Maybe if she's more in the loop, she won't get so jealous of you wanting to spend so much time with Heero and talking about him all the time. I think she might feel left out."

Duo thought it over. It sounded like it could be a fun night. Even though things had been a little strained between him and Hilde, she was still one of his best and oldest friends, and he did really want her to meet Heero, since he was the most important person in his life. Quatre could be on to something. "That's actually a pretty good idea."

"I'm full of 'em," he retorted dryly.

"Pffft. Says the guy who told me _not_ to date Heero."

They laughed again and finished their coffees. Quatre wanted to stop by one more store and Duo was happy to accompany him – as his mule. While Quatre pondered if he wanted the new Gucci loafers in black or charcoal grey, assisted by the posh clerk, Duo idled in front of a display of women's shoes and wondered if they'd had the black, strappy shoe, with gold stiletto heels that he was looking at in Heero's size. It probably wasn't safe to buy Heero clothes or shoes, not so much because of the "gender-identity-thing", but because he was really particular about his fashion, and as Heero pointed out: Lumberjack-Duo had the bare minimum of fashion sense. But he couldn't help but think Heero would look in them.

Heero was just always on his mind; everything made him think of him. He could understand how that would get exhausting to other people, but he was madly in love and couldn't stop himself. He considered Quatre's suggestion further and decided that it would be a good idea. If Hilde got to know Heero – and got to see how Duo was around him – maybe she'd be a little more sympathetic to his obsession, and let him enjoy the "honeymoon period" of the relationship without giving him any grief about it. He wanted to be a good friend to her, because she deserved that, but first and foremost he was a hopeless romantic and once she understood that, maybe she wouldn't take it so personally anymore that he couldn't get his new lover off his mind.

Since Quatre hadn't made up his mind yet, and knew Duo was worthless at giving advice, Duo produced his phone from his pocket and texted Heero first to ask if he was on board with the idea. When the reply was affirmative, he asked if tonight would be okay; tonight was one of the nights Hilde had initially suggested. She might have made new plans, but it was worth a shot. He added playfully: **We'll go to a pizzeria**. Heero was fine with it. He then sent a string of pizza-emojis – knowingly annoying him; Duo let out at a hearty laugh at the sassy, colorful reaction to his use of the childish symbols.

Given the all-clear, he texted Hilde:

 **Hey boo, still free tonight**? He added a threesome of carefully selected emojis that he hoped communicated that he didn't just expect her to be available at his whim. Hilde loved emojis – she could have entire conversations using just the symbols.

 _ **No**_ , Hilde replied. No emojis or anything, so Duo couldn't help but read it, hearing her angry tone in his head.

 _ **I have a date.**_

 **Who's the lucky guy? :)**

 _ **That guy from work I told you about.**_

 _Can she stop with the periods already?_ The full stops made him antsy.

Before Duo could reply, she sent: _**We've been going out for a while.**_

 _Damn, she's really rubbing in the guilt._ **Thats great! Im jealous now that he gets 2 spend the evening wit u ;)**

 _ **Im not going to cancel my plans for u because u changed ur mind.**_

Duo frowned at the preemptive, snarky text; he didn't ask her to. **You shouldnt. Im a jerk**. The he added: **Maybe we could go on a double d8 sometime?**

 _ **With u and Heero?**_

 **Yeah**

There was a long pause. She wasn't typing or anything, but the checkmarks at the end of his message did mean she had read it.

In the meantime, Quatre let the store clerk convince him to buy the charcoal grey pair – he already had so many black shoes and grey was a great "transitional" color, whatever that was supposed to mean. Duo followed his friend to the cash registry, and stood by watching them shine the shoes and carefully wrap them in golden embossed paper before putting them in a box. He held his phone in his hand. It hadn't buzzed or dinged or anything.

"That's 765 dollars, sir."

Quatre didn't even blink as he handed over his black credit card. Duo was no longer shocked at the amounts Quatre spend during their shopping trips.

"How does Heero afford these expensive brands?" He dumbly asked.

Quatre shot him a look and a grin. "By choosing to live in a cramped apartment with a roomie, when he could easily live in a nice house by himself."

"Huh. Well, lucky me, then." He brought his phone up to his face when he felt it vibrate in his hand.

 _ **Tonight?**_

He moved his thumb along the digital keyboard. **If ud be cool wit that**

 _ **Sure :)**_

He let out a sigh of relief at the sight of the bright yellow, smiling face.

 _ **We hadnt made any spec plans yet anyway**_

 **Awesome! Mind if i set it up? Already have a place in mind**

 _ **No prob :)**_

 **Pizza good 4 u & ur boi?**

 _ **Of course! :P**_

 _ **Oh, 'pizza-night', I get it…**_

He smiled.

"Sexting with Heero?" Quatre teased.

"No… Hilde…" He replied absentmindedly.

"Your _sexting_ with _Hilde_?"

Duo laughed loudly at his friend's shocked tone at the misunderstanding. "No, I meant: I'm texting Hilde. I heard you wrong." He took a moment to finish his conversation with Hilde, setting a time and texting her the address of the pizzeria he had in mind, which was the perfect place for a double date, in his opinion. It was casual, but with a nice atmosphere and delicious food. They also served pasta and other Italian dishes, should her date not be in the mood for pizza after all. When everything was set up, he explained to Quatre: "I followed your advice-"

"For once," he interjected smartly.

"Asked her to go on a double date with me and Heero. She was a little pissed at first, I think. Probably thought I just assumed her to be free at the last minute, but it seems like she's looking forward to it."

"That's great." Quatre accepted the bag with his new shoes from the clerk and routinely handed it over to Duo for him to carry.

Duo didn't even bat an eye and they walked out of the store together. "I hope they'll hit it off. Hilde and Heero. I really want them to like each other."

"I'm sure they will. Hilde is really cool and she has fabulous taste. That's something Heero can appreciate."

Duo smiled; he was looking forward to the double date. He hoped Hilde's coworker was nice – not just that he wasn't a closeted homophobe, but most importantly that he was a good guy for Hilde. She deserved that.

* * *

 _ **The final chapter – You Win Some, You Lose Some**_ **, will post on 03/19/17**


	11. Chapter 11

**Chibichocopaws: Thank you so much for taking the time to review and for your kind words! I really hope this final chapter will leave you satisfied with the story, please let me know what you think :)**

 **Duaimei: Thanks for the review! I hope you'll enjoy this last chapter :) I'm sorry I kept you waiting a little longer, but the chapter wasn't done in time. I post updates on my profile page and that's where I announced the delay, so next time a chapter isn't showing up when it's supposed to, you can check my profile to see if I'm still alive or not :P**

 **CircleKV12: You are not wrong :P Please let me know what you think of the conclusion of the story :) Thanks for sticking with it and reviewing.**

 **Diana Lua: Thank you so much for reading this story and taking the time to leave reviews :) I really hope you'll like the ending to this story. I'm glad you enjoyed the video suggestion! Pentatonix is currently my favorite group of artists.**

 **Hikaru Itsuko: Thanks for the review, let me know what you think of the final chapter! :)**

 **Batman: In a few week's time I'll have proper weekends again, just gotta hang in there until then. Let me know what you think of the ending :)**

 **Atreides: Thank you so much for your kind review! I hope you'll like the conclusion to the story.**

 **Ckhushrenada: Sorry to have kept you waiting! I hope you'll enjoy the final part, please let me know :)**

* * *

 **Author's note:**

 **A day late, I know! I'm sorry! I post updates on my profile page and I posted yesterday that I wasn't going to make it; there wasn't enough time for my beta and I to finish the chapter. But it's here now, so I won't keep ya (who am I kidding… who is actually reading this? :P)**

* * *

 **Beta: Shima Yi (Thanks for 11 straight weeks of hard work!)**

* * *

 **The Neon Spectrum**

 _Not limited to black and white._

 _Not dulled to shades of gray._

 _The spectrum is neon._

 **Chapter ELEVEN – You Win Some, You Lose Some**

The four of them met in front of the pizzeria and exchanged introductions. Bram was tall and handsome – albeit a little mousier than Duo had expected based off of Hilde's description – with his curly hair, strawberry blonde scruff, wire-frame glasses, and moss green sweater-vest worn over a grey, striped button-up. He was friendly and easy to talk to, and Duo could tell he made Heero feel at ease right away when he leaned forward for a polite hug, as if he was in-tune that Heero's energy was different – not as masculine – and recognized that he could hug him the way a man could hug a woman. He was sweet; right off the bat, Duo liked him and he was happy for Hilde. The way he stared at her – all googly-eyed – made it apparent he was smitten with her.

Hilde was dressed to impress; Duo felt guilty about not giving her a heads-up that the restaurant wasn't exactly fancy, but he figured that she'd come to that conclusion on her own, considering it was just a pizzeria. She wore a fitted, black dress, knee-high boots and a lot of make-up. He hugged her tightly as he greeted her, and told her she looked beautiful, because she did.

He was grateful Hilde and Heero would finally have an opportunity to get to know each other. He had admitted to Heero that he had told his long-time friend about "the secret" and Heero's reaction had been mild; not what he was prepared for. Heero said he expected Duo would tell Hilde and that, while it made him self-conscious, he wanted Duo to be able to share things with Hilde. Heero was always worried about burdening his boyfriend and – more than anything – it was a relief to him that Duo had someone to talk to.

With the formalities of introductions over, they headed inside; Bram was already starting in on a funny story about the Uber he and Hilde took. Inside, as they were waiting for the waiter to prepare their table for them, they all laughed at Bram's jokes. Duo thought things were going well. Hilde's smile was beaming when Heero instantly complimented her high-heeled boots, recognizing them as Dior, and pointing out the coincidence that his shoes were Dior as well. But her reply was odd.

She thanked him, and glanced a look at his patent leather, black and white shoes with asymmetrical zippers down the front, and wondered: "Aren't those from the women's collection though?"

The shoes had flair, for sure – not typical men's footwear – but they weren't particularly feminine either. Duo would have never thought that they were technically women's shoes, but obviously, Hilde was familiar with the brand. It was an odd thing for her to focus on, and kind of rude too. Heero sheepishly admitted that she was right, but argued that the design was pretty masculine for women's shoes, so they were unisex in his eyes. Duo and Bram were standing by, neither of them knowing how to insert themselves in the conversation. It was awkward, and Duo felt tension between all four of them.

The waiter returned and guided them to their table. They took their seats in silence. Hilde sat across from Duo, although he had hoped she would seat herself opposite of Heero, to give them a better opportunity to talk and get to know each other. She immediately snatched one of the menus off the center of the table and hid her face behind it.

Duo shared a look with Heero, but Heero simply shrugged and grabbed a menu himself.

"I really like your bracelets," Bram said. "They're beautiful."

 _Maybe he is a little too nice. Trying a little too hard_ , Duo thought to himself, but he recognized that it wasn't a bad thing.

Heero proudly looked at his three bangles. "Thank you. They were Duo's birthday present to me."

"Are they real?" Hilde asked.

 _Rude!_

"Sorry?" Heero raised his eyebrows at her, not understanding the question.

"Are the gold ones real, or just plated?"

"I-…" Obviously Heero understood her question once she clarified, but he looked no less confused. "I don't think that matters."

"Oh no, of course not!" She agreed with a smile. She looked at her menu again, but then added as an afterthought: "Duo bought me lovely gold earrings for my birthday once. I'm wearing them now," she touched her finger to one of the gold hoops in her ears.

"They're very nice," Heero said flatly; he shot an odd look at Duo before focusing his attention on his menu.

Duo stared at her incredulously. _Why is she being like this? Bragging about earrings I gave her three years ago?_ Come to think of it, he never saw her wear the hoops once before – why were they important all of a sudden?

The waiter came by to take their order. They all got pizza, except Hilde, who ordered chicken lasagna. She also asked for a carafe of wine for the table; when he brought it over a minute later, she poured herself a comically big glass, and while pouring wine for the rest of them, she giggled at herself when she spilled some. She raised her glass for a toast and wasn't satisfied until they all touched glasses and took a sip – even Bram, who informed the table that he didn't drink, which Hilde didn't seem to be aware of.

"Hil," Duo leaned across the table, "Are you drunk?"

"Just a little tipsy," she defended herself. "I had a few white wine spritzers at the start of the evening."

"Alright, well, be _careful_ ," he reached out and narrowly stopped her from knocking over her glass when she made a dismissive gesture.

Bram and Heero did most of the talking. Hilde's contributions to the evening were mostly just obnoxious laughs, regardless of whether or not what was said was actually funny. Duo tried to engage in the conversation, but he was distracted by Hilde's all-over-the-place attitude; halfway through dinner, he had to start babying her, stopping her from pouring herself one glass of wine after another as she drank like a sailor. Having known her for eight years, he knew she couldn't handle her liquor well, and he never liked her much when she was drunk – she got very bratty. Usually, he knew they would be able to at least get a laugh out of it the next day once she sobered up, but he didn't think it would be funny this time around.

Being denied access to the wine carafe – when she was an adult who could make her own decisions, she argued loudly – only made Hilde more irritable and argumentative. She mocked Bram for not drinking; rained empty compliments on Heero, which she somehow managed to phrase in a way that made them sound like jabs towards his femininity; and she kept calling Duo "Dad" or "Daddy", with a roll of her eyes, whenever he stopped her from reaching for the wine, or prevented her from catching her sleeve fire when it got too close to the candle in the center of the table. Pretty soon, none of the three men were very happy to be in her company – not even Bram, who seemed cured of the lovesick-look he had in his eyes earlier. The other guests in the restaurant weren't too fond of her either, and the staff was also not impressed.

Duo had seen her drunk before, but she was never quite as horrible as she was that evening; or maybe she had been, and it was just more awkward since it wasn't only the two of them – now Bram and Heero were getting dragged into her antics.

When their plates had been cleared away, the waiter asked if they would like to see the dessert menu, but it was no secret that he'd rather see them leave, with the gruff tone of his voice.

"No, thank you, I'd like the check," Duo said.

"Jeez, he's not getting a tip," Hilde muttered, purposefully loud enough for the waiter to overhear as he stepped away from their table.

"Jesus, Hil." Duo shared an apologetic look with both Heero and Bram. When the bill arrived, Bram offered to pay, or to at least pay for half, but Duo shook his head and paid for everything himself. "Can you just make sure she gets home okay?"

Bram looked uncomfortable, but before he could say anything, Hilde blurted: "I'm not going to let him take me home. I barely know him."

"What are you talking about? You said you guys were dating."

"This is the first time we've gone out," Bram explained sheepishly.

Duo shot Hilde an incredulous look. _What the fuck is going on?_

"I think, maybe, I should just go," the curly-haired man said, and he looked to Duo and Heero for approval.

Duo pitied the man. He seemed genuinely saddened by how Hilde had turned out to be. He had a crush on her, but all he was left with after the evening was disappointment. "Sure, yeah. I'll take care of her. I'm sorry about all this."

"That's okay. I'm sorry too." Bram got up from his seat and extended his hand to Duo, and then to Heero, for a polite goodbye. "Thank you, for dinner. Goodnight." He meekly waved goodbye and then walked away.

"Bye," said Heero, before getting his phone from his pocket to arrange transportation. He ordered two Ubers: one for himself to take him home, and one for Duo and Hilde, so he could escort her back to her apartment before heading home himself.

"I'm so sorry about this," Duo whispered in his ear. He placed his hand on the back of his neck, and rubbed his thumb in circles. "I don't know what has gotten into her."

"It's fine. Just get her to bed. You guys should definitely talk tomorrow."

Duo nodded.

The first Uber was quick to arrive, and Duo got up with Heero to walk him to the car; he ordered Hilde to stay at the table. Outside he held the door open for him, but before Heero could get into the car, he kissed him.

Heero smiled and adjusted his coat in the cold wind. "I'll be waiting for you in your bed." Duo liked the sound of that. He knew they wouldn't have sex, not after that crazy evening, but he was looking forward to falling asleep with his lover in his arms.

After seeing Heero off, Duo headed back into the restaurant and cursed when Hilde was missing from the table. Soon enough though, she came stumbling out of the restrooms. She had trouble walking in her high heels, being as inebriated as she was. With an arm around her waist for support, he guided her outside. She was shivering in the cold, but her coat was warm enough, and he knew some fresh air would do her good while they waited for the second car. Once the Uber pulled up, her helped her into the backseat.

The car ride was very quiet. For whatever reason, the driver did not have the radio turned on. Hilde seemed to be crashing. She had been happy-go-lucky – if insufferable – at the restaurant, but in the car, she fell silent and her expression was blank as she looked out the window. Suddenly, she burst out in sobs. Duo stared at her, shocked. He was angry with her for her behavior, but he also hated seeing her upset – he didn't know how to act.

"Are you alright, miss?" The driver asked, since Duo wasn't being of any help.

"I'm… fine…" She mewled pathetically. She sobbed and sniffed a minute longer and then, as abruptly as it started, she stopped crying and stared out the window again with empty eyes.

They arrived at her building and Duo asked the driver to wait a few minutes so he could help her upstairs. The man as understanding, but reminded him that he couldn't wait too long. They headed up the stairs slowly. There was no elevator and she needed his hands to keep her steady. She took off her boots halfway up to her fourth-floor apartment and managed a little better, but still Duo kept his hands at the ready, and carried her boots for her so she could use both hands on the bannister, and steps in front of her.

Inside her apartment, Hilde blindly found her way to the couch where she dropped down before Duo could redirect her to her bedroom. He searched the wall for the light switch; when he found it, his friend groaned at the bright light overhead.

"You should get to bed. Sleep this off."

"Carry me?" Hilde begged with pitiful eyes.

Duo was losing his patience with her. "You can walk." He went over to her and hoisted her up by her wrist. She winced and moaned as if he hurt her, but he had taken care that he wouldn't, and he knew she was being difficult for the sake of it.

"You're mad," she surmised.

"Yes."

"I've never made you mad before."

"You have, I've just never let you see it."

She sighed dramatically and dropped back down onto the couch, much to his dismay. "Why are you letting me see now? I don't like it."

"Because I used to get mad at you about little things. This is not a 'little thing'."

Hilde looked up at him with innocent eyes.

"You were really shitty tonight," Duo pointed out, even though there was no reasoning with her – considering how drunk she was – and most of what he would say would be forgotten by tomorrow. "To Bram and to Heero. To me too, but I don't care about that."

"I've been nothing but nice to him! All I ever did was call him 'cute' and 'pretty'."

"Yeah, _sarcastically_."

"I didn't," she pouted.

"Whatever. And you were a total bitch to Bram. Why did you lie to me about him?"

"Lie?"

"You said you guys had been dating – that wasn't true!"

"Oh, right," she chuckled.

"Is it _funny_?"

Hilde laughed harder. "I thought you'd get jealous!" She said, as he body shook with laughter. "But why would _you_ ever be jealous of a guy like _Bram_? Fuck, if I had known he was going to wear a sweater-vest, I would have asked Jonathan from human resources. I didn't because he's bald!" She continued to laugh, clutching her sides.

Duo sighed. "You're not making any sense. You were _trying_ to make me jealous?"

Suddenly, whatever had been funny before wasn't anymore, and she stopped laughing and glared up at him. She snapped: "Of course I wanted to make you jealous!"

He frowned at her. "Why?"

"Because I'm in love with you, you asshole!"

Duo reeled back at her unexpected confession. " _What_?" He wanted to laugh, hoping it was another joke that he wasn't getting, but her expression was dead serious, and there was nothing humorous about the predicament he found himself in. He heard a car honk and knew it was the Uber driver getting impatient, but he couldn't walk away after what she had said. He did, however, take a step back to distance himself from her when she reached out to grab at the front of his jeans.

He repeated: "What?"

"I love you!" She was angrier than anything else.

Duo didn't know how to process it. This was the same friend who rubbed in his face that he was in love with Heero, a little over a year ago! The same friend who encouraged him to try and make Heero fall in love with him! Why would she do that if she was in love with him? Hell, he had even offered for them to start dating again, and she shut that down!

One of her mood swings occurred again, and she became soft spoken and sweet as she explained: "Remember when we talking about how a single moment can change your entire perspective, and make you see something, that has been in front of you the entire time, differently?"

Yeah, when she helped him have the epiphany that he was in love with Heero, and later told him that he could help Heero have an epiphany with regards to his feelings for Duo. "Yeah…?"

"For me, that moment was at your birthday, last year. When we danced? When you kissed me?" Her tone hardened. "You kissed me!"

Duo blinked at her accusation, as if he did this to her – like he had masterminded it.

"I realized how great we could be, together, now that we are both older," she continued.

"That kiss was a mistake. I told you it was a mistake," he said. It had to be said, even if it made her look as if he had punched her in the gut. "I was sad about Heero, because it seemed like he was going to be a no-show."

Hilde scoffed. "Sad about Heero," she mocked. "The only reason you even _think_ you love him is because I _told_ you so!"

"Hilde-" Duo tried to calm her down, but she ranted on.

"What if I was wrong? Have you ever thought about that? Clearly, I was wrong! Heero just has you confused. You are just confused, Duo!"

"I'm not confused! I was confused _before_. Before you helped me realize the _truth_." His voice was starting to become hoarse with emotion as it dawned on him that the things she was saying could ruin their friendship: a friendship that had lasted eight years; a friendship that had opened his eyes, to see himself and Heero more clearly; a friendship that he owed so much to. He loved Hilde, but not in the way she wanted him to. "Hilde, you better stop before you say something that I will never be able to forgive you for." He held up a trembling finger.

"You are confused! I was too! I thought you were gay, but he isn't even a real guy! And he's not a real woman either!" After a pause, she shouted: "He's nothing!"

"Don't talk about him like that," he warned her with a dangerous stare.

"He's _nothing_!" She repeated, bitter in the face of his rejection, and out to hurt him as much as he had inadvertently hurt her. "You think you love him because he's girly, but he's just an imitation! Why would you want that if you can be with someone real?"

Duo shook his head at her, and took deep breaths through his nose to keep himself calm and his emotions in check. His eyes were welling up with tears, but he didn't want to shed them.

"I'd understand if you were gay, and you liked him, but not me, because he's a guy. But you're not gay. And Heero is not even transgender – he's just a fucking drag queen-"

"Stop!" Duo buried his face in his palms and cursed under his breath when he felt his wet cheeks. "Why are you doing this? Why are you like this?" He thought she was better than this; he thought she would understand, that she would be open-minded. He thought her to be a woman of the twenty-first century, but she had been reduced to a woman scorned. The alcohol might have made it worse, but alcohol does not put words in mouths that aren't already there.

"He's crazy and he's manipulating you because he knows he needs you! He's going to ruin your life! He's sick! He's sick in the head!"

Duo balled his fists at his sides. He became nauseous at himself – at how close he was to hitting her. She knew exactly where his buttons were and was pressing all of them.

"Once he realizes that, you're going to spend the rest of your life stopping him from trying to off himself! I don't want to watch him drag you down. He's caused you so much trouble and heartache already!"

"Shut up!" Duo screamed at the top of his lungs. "SHUT UP!" He fisted his hands into the front of his coat, not knowing what to do with himself as he had a physical reaction – pain in his chest, headache, trembling limbs – to his own anger, grief and hurt.

His biggest fear was Heero being so torn by his switching gender identity – and society judging him for it, brushing it off as a mental illness – that he would see suicide as the only way out, the way so many conflicted LGBTQ+ people turned to suicide as a last resort, especially those with gender identity issues. He told her that in confidence; he had trusted her with that. To have his best friend use that fear against him was the most hurtful thing anyone had ever done to him. He'd been mistreated and bullied by many people in a lifetime, but never did anyone hurt him so intimately.

He doubled over. The pain was physical and for a second, it was too much to bear. He sucked in a deep breath and forced himself to straighten up. He could barely see her small, seated form through the tears in his eyes. "We're done," he ground out.

"Duo… No…" Hilde reached out to him but he stepped back, nearly tripping over the coffee table. "Please… Don't do this!"

"This is not my doing!" He yelled angrily. "This is all _you_! You ruined us!"

"You ruined what we could have been!" She wailed in response.

He stormed out of her apartment and ignored the desperate change in her tone as she pleaded for forgiveness and begged him to come back. He rushed down the stairs and felt like he couldn't breathe again until he was finally outside. He wasn't surprised to see that the Uber had taken off. He wandered down the street and opened his coat to cool some of the insufferable heat in his chest and face.

She caught him completely off guard. She had been so cool with the thought of him being attracted to Heero in the first place. Clearly, she wasn't homophobic – he knew her to have gay friends. How can someone like that shut her mind to people like Heero? Why was an acceptance and understanding for gender fluidity too much to ask, and why did that seem to be a recurring thing? Homosexuality was accepted more and more, while transsexuality was villainized, and non-binary gender identity was misconstrued as a mental illness and turned into a lame internet meme: "If I had a dollar for every gender, I'd have two dollars." He knew that she probably would have never said the things she did if she hadn't been in love with him, and hadn't been trying to lash out at him for leaving her affections unrequited; but that did not excuse what she said about Heero, and how she betrayed Duo's trust as a friend.

It was disheartening finding out that Heero had been right after all.

He unlocked his phone and scrolled through the back-and-forth messages between him and his partner, until he found the text that had been brought to the forefront of his mind.

 _ **Someday something will hit u**_

Heero had been warning him the entire time, but Duo had been naïve and optimistic, thinking that the worst he would have to deal with were guys like Jamie and that asshole at the restaurant. He didn't think someone close to him would hurt him like that. He didn't think it would cost him a cherished friendship.

 _ **Maybe when u least expect it**_

Heero had been right about that too. And of course, he would turn out to be right. This had been his life; he'd been dealing with people reacting negatively to him since he came out in his late teens.

Duo scrolled further down.

 _ **Pinky promise me ull talk with me then**_

 **Pinky promise**

He toyed with the idea of breaking that promise, because he knew Heero would feel responsible and guilty for what had transpired between Duo and Hilde, and he didn't want to hurt him. But he made a promise and, more importantly, he knew he needed Heero. He craved to be held in his arms and have him comfort him, because he believed he was the only person who could help him feel right again, after that explosion between him and Hilde left him feeling all jumbled up inside.

Using his phone, he navigated his way to the nearest bus stop; he was in luck when a bus came by a mere three minutes later – he'd be home sooner than if he'd wait for another Uber. He hopped on and got off at the bus stop around the corner from their apartment building. He walked the rest of the way home, feeling like a zombie, and he leaned heavily against the mirrored wall of the elevator as he went up.

The apartment was dark except for the orange light coming out of his bedroom, where Heero was waiting for him. Duo toed off his shoes and shook off his coat along the way, tossing it onto the couch. He stopped in the doorway of his bedroom and sighed at the sight of him, lying on the bed, tucked under the sheets, hugging a pillow to his chest.

The younger man blinked his eyes open, probably woken up by Duo's not-so-quiet entrance. "Hey." Tired blue eyes recognized his distraught expression right away and he sat up in bed. "Babe, what's wrong?"

Duo couldn't speak. He started to cry. He crossed the distance to the bed, and crawled under the sheets and into Heero's arms. He wept into the crook of his neck, and found comfort in his lover's warmth and the way he petted his hand through his hair.

Heero didn't pry for answers; instead, he let Duo cry for as long as he needed to, until he started talking on his own accord. With a heavy heart, the older man told him that his friendship with Hilde was over, because she was in love with him and tried to convince Duo that it was wrong for him to be in love with Heero. He couldn't tell him the details; he didn't even want to repeat most of the things she had said, but he knew Heero would figure out the broad strokes and that broke Duo's heart.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," Heero whispered.

"You warned me. You warned me but I didn't believe you." Duo felt the wetness on Heero's cheek when he nuzzled his nose against Duo's ear. "I didn't want to tell you. But I promised. And I _needed_ to tell you. I need you. I love you so, so much."

"It's okay. I'm glad you told me. Thank you." Heero tightened his arms around him. "I got you. I got you."

And he did. He petted his hair and rocked him and Duo cried again, because that moment was exactly one of the reasons why Heero wouldn't say he loved him too: in case Duo couldn't handle being faced with such reactions for the rest of his life, he didn't want to burden Duo with his "I love you". He didn't want to tie Duo down with his word; instead, he left him an escape hatch. Him not saying "I love you" was his way of communicating, "it's okay if you need to protect yourself".

Eventually, exhaustion caused Duo to fall asleep.

* * *

X

* * *

Not having Hilde in his life anymore was a bigger adjustment than Duo had predicted. They never saw much of each other – only lunch or dinner every month or so, and silly text message exchanges in between, sometimes exclusively emoji's – so he figured that, although he would definitely miss her, he wouldn't think of her often and it wouldn't really change his life. But once he blocked her number, after she spent days texting and calling, trying to reach him, he realized that his friendship with Hilde – having been his only friend aside from Heero, Quatre and Trowa – was a bigger part of his life than he had been aware of.

Regularly, something would happen, or a random thought would occur to him – little inside jokes they'd shared for eight years – and he'd think of her. _Hilde would find this interesting_ , or _Hilde would think this is funny_. Every time, he reactively went for his phone, to send her a text about a dumb commercial, a song on the radio, a dog on the street or a habit observed in a stranger, like he normally would, only to stop himself and remember: _We aren't friends anymore_.

It took a while for that pain to dull and it definitely cast a dark shadow on the holidays, Nicole's wedding – to which he was invited as Heero's "Plus One" – and his birthday at the start of the new year.

Heero told him that the friendship didn't need to be over if he didn't want it to be; he was the voice of reason, and even the devil's advocate, as he sometimes took Hilde's side as they talked about it. But Duo didn't think it would be fair to salvage the friendship by accepting her narrowmindedness on the issue of gender identity, not when she wouldn't salvage the friendship by accepting Heero. Not to mention, her romantic feelings for him made everything all the more complicated; Duo no longer felt like he could trust her the way he used to, since she had her own agenda. Love made people do crazy things – Duo could sympathize – but he couldn't forgive her for the things that she said.

After a while, he realized he missed the person he thought she was. He had been wrong about her. She had been grossly selfish and he had never expected that of her. He knew what it was like to be in love with someone and have to endure seeing that person happy with someone else; for months he had to watch as Heero was happy with Logan while falling more and more in love with him every day, but he had never attempted to drive a wedge between them for his own benefit, like Hilde had attempted. She should have been his friend first and foremost and as his friend she should have been happy for him.

Duo had an interesting conversation with Trowa about the changes in life after "coming out". Trowa was different from Quatre and Heero, in the sense that it had never been obvious that he was gay, since he didn't fit the stereotype. He didn't come out to everyone in his social circle until he was twenty-four years old, and his coming out left him with fewer, but better friends. "I found out who my real friends were," he said.

By his own engineering, people only ever met the side of Trowa that they could identify with, and could latch onto without stepping out of their own comfort zone; then, they filled in the blanks based on their own biases and stereotypes. The friends he had to leave behind only ever liked the idea of Trowa – "straight Trowa" – and they would have only ever accommodated him in their lives if he had traveled the same path as them: meet a girl, get married, have kids. The friends he was still close with were the people who could step beyond their comfort zone and embrace the differences between them. Either way, he didn't blame any of them, because it was his own fault for waiting too long to be completely open with them.

Trowa likened it to signing a contract, one that is partially written in invisible ink; they didn't know what they were getting into when they signed, and they got more than they bargained for. Everything could have been prevented if all information had been on the table from the start. They simply would have never become friends to begin with, and no one would have gotten hurt.

It was the same between Duo and Hilde. Their friendship, too, was based on a contract that was partly illegible. In their case, because there was a part to Duo that he himself wasn't even aware of, Hilde couldn't have known either that he would one day fall in love with a person that was neither man or woman, and that she was supposed to be cool with that.

Hilde's comfort zone was pretty broad, considering she was fine with the possibility of Duo being gay or bisexual, but as she had fallen for him; she became fenced in by her comfort zone, and she couldn't budge far enough to accept the gender spectrum. Perhaps one day, when her feelings for Duo had faded, things would be different and she could learn that the gender spectrum was just as valid as the sexuality spectrum; then she could accept Duo's love for Heero. At least, that was Trowa's two cents.

It had been an eye-opening afternoon, because Duo never felt so close to Trowa before. After their heartfelt conversation, sharing private details about their past, he felt more connected to him than ever, and he recognized the importance of "fewer but better friends". Now that Duo had figured himself out, he could connect with people on a deeper level. It was a shame that Hilde wasn't one of those people.

He let go of his anger, and he let go of her.

* * *

X

* * *

"Ladies! Nice to see you again," Duo called as he stepped through the front door of the apartment. He was greeted with a chorus of giggles. The four of them were seated at the dinner table, pouring over Nicole's wedding photos. The glasses of red wine were wisely put on the other far end of the table, to avoid catastrophe. Duo had dinner at Quatre's and Trowa's, clearing the way for "girl's night", which was different that time because Heero hadn't been feeling particularly girly for the past few weeks.

The Japanese man told him he had periods like that before and that he used to think those periods meant something: that he was meant to be male after all. But no matter how long one of those periods lasted, they would always end eventually. Until then, Duo explored and enjoyed his lover's masculine side. Still, he was always looking for subtle clues to try and figure out when the shift would occur, and how and if Duo should act accordingly. He wanted to be sensitive to the change and ease Heero through it, because his lover used to get really upset when the periods of calm were over; he admitted he still got distraught thinking of how much easier his life could be if the scale would just stop moving. He cried about it that morning, and it broke Duo's heart to see. Masculine Heero was a lot harder to comfort when he was crying than feminine Heero, Duo discovered. Heero was too frustrated and impatient with his own emotions to really pay attention to Duo's attempts to console him, and the younger man was angry with himself for burdening Duo with it.

Duo walked up to the table and Heero cocked his head to receive a kiss on his cheek. "Hey, baby," Duo greeted softly, not wanting to disrupt the girls who were cooing over how cute the flower girls – Nicole's nieces – looked in the candid pictures.

Heero faced him with a smile. He looked comfortable and cute in a pair of shorts and one of Duo's shirts, and his growing hair was pulled back into a tiny ponytail high up on the back of his head. "Hey."

Duo rubbed his hand in circles on his back. "Feeling good?" He asked in a whisper.

"Hmhm." Heero tilted his head again; Duo knew exactly what he wanted and leaned in for a sweet kiss.

"Stop it you guys," Drew whined. "You're going to make me ruin my make-up!" She dramatically dabbed her fingers under her eyes, as if she was crying.

"You're worried about tears?" Annessa countered. "Honey, if they go on, I won't be tearing up, I'll be leaving a wet spot on the seat."

Everyone let out a shocked, hard laugh at her comment.

Drew clutched her sides. "Now _I'm_ going to leave a wet spot! From pissing my pants!"

"Oh my God, Duo!" Nicole tapped his arm and pushed the wedding album closer to him. "Look at you! So dapper."

Duo put his hands on the edge of the table and looked down at the picture of himself and a group of the groomsmen that he'd spent a while talking to. He didn't wear tuxedos often, but he did have to agree that he filled the rented suit out nicely. "Not too shabby."

"There's a picture of you and Heero too. Wanna see?"

"Of course," he said. Heero looked so good at the wedding, he wanted to see him again.

Nicole flipped backwards through the pages, until she found a full-page image of the couple; she smirked at him as his mouth fell open.

They had been standing in front of a winter wonderland backdrop: flickering lights, white flowers and white balloons, and crystals dangling down from the ceiling. Duo was in his classic tuxedo. The photo-op was early in the evening, so he was still wearing his bow tie – he had rid himself of it pretty soon after and he had to pay a fine at the tuxedo shop because he lost track of the little thing. Heero was wearing a black suit as well, part of it, at least. His legs looked a mile long in the fitted slacks – not a rental, of course – and the buttoned-up women's blazer he wore on top made his shoulders look sharp; it was cinched at the waist and flared out a little at the hips, giving him a nice, although not overly feminine, shape. He wore nothing underneath the blazer, showing off his golden chest to midway down his sternum. His make-up had been light but brightened his eyes and enhanced their deep blue shade. As always, he wore the threesome of bangles, but also a black, lace choker around his neck. He looked taller standing next to Duo because it had been the first and – thus far – only time he had worn high heels in public; the black, strappy shoes Duo had seen in the store and had ended up buying him as an early Christmas present.

Duo cleared his throat when he realized how long he had been staring. He looked up to see the four of them looking at him, all doe-eyed. "… I'm definitely going to need copies."

Nicole laughed and pushed a USB drive his way. "Already got you covered; these are all the photos from the ceremony and the reception that you and Heero are in."

Drew pulled the wedding album towards herself, flipping it around because she had been looking at it upside down from the other side of the table. "Sweet baby Jesus, boo. You slayed that outfit. I need to borrow those shoes."

"Hell no," was Heero's immediate answer.

"I let you borrow my boots!"

Duo winced; he preferred not to have that night mentioned, but Heero was unaffected and he shot back: "You know damn well your big ass feet aren't going to fit, sister."

Annessa and Nicole laughed at how Heero was able to sound joking and dead-serious all at once. Duo laughed with them, bemused by how Annessa would snort as she laughed; she seemed like such a delicate girl, her laugh didn't fit her at all, but that made it all the more endearing.

He then touched his hand to Heero's shoulder; once he had his attention he announced softly: "I'm gonna take a shower and I guess I'll Netflix and chill in bed."

Heero nodded, but Nicole suggested: "Wanna flip through the rest of the album with us?"

Duo looked at her expectant face and when he turned back to face Heero, he noticed he sported a similar expression. He thought for a moment, wondering if it would be appropriate to join them, but then he realized it wasn't really "girl's night", because Heero wasn't a girl, and that made it feel less like he was intruding in on a ritual that he wasn't supposed to be a part of. He smiled in return. "I'd love to. Can I take a shower first though?"

"Sure, we'll wait for you. We'll drink our wine and get you a glass in the meantime," said Nicole, taking charge.

"Cool, thanks. I won't wash my hair, so I'll only be a few minutes." He left them as they reached for their wine and started a discussion about the hassle of long hair. Nicole and Annessa could identify with the issue. When Drew chimed in, they laughed at her and pointed out that she had it easy because she could just let her wigs dry overnight.

Duo rushed through his shower because he didn't want to make them wait too long. He thought about getting properly dressed afterwards, since they had company. But seeing as how Heero wore sweatshorts and one of Duo's sleep-shirts that was way too big on him, he figured it was acceptable for him to dress comfortable. He went with sweats and a tank top.

When he returned to the living room, his mere presence interrupted their laughter. They stared at him and it made him a little self-conscious. He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, and gratefully followed Heero's instructions as his boyfriend got up from his seat and gestured for Duo to sit down. Once he was seated, he didn't even have time to wonder where Heero was going to sit – considering they only had four chairs at the dinner table – because Heero settled himself on his lap and guided one of Duo's arms around him to lock him in place.

Drew snapped out of it, leaned across the table and extended her hand out to pinch Duo's bicep. "My God, look at those arms." She sat back in her chair and shot Heero a cheeky look. "You lucky, lucky boy."

Duo blushed and hid his face behind Heero, digging his nose into his back, between his shoulder blades.

"You have no idea. His arms aren't the only things as thick as trees."

Duo laughed along with the girls, but the sound of his rumbling laughter was muffled as he further pressed his face against Heero's back. His lover definitely had enough wine to be more than a little tipsy, but it was amusing.

"I meant his legs!" Heero defended, but he couldn't keep a straight face.

"Of course you did," the three ladies said in unison.

Once everyone had calmed down and Duo had time to play catch-up a little – pretty much chugging down a full glass of wine – they started leafing through the wedding album.

Their guests left almost two hours later, after finishing the last bottle of wine in the house. Duo was feeling tired and drowsy from the alcohol, but giddy too. His cheeks hurt from laughing and smiling all night: laughing because the three girls were funny characters, and smiling because it felt so nice and _right_ to have Heero in his lap – it was the most normal thing and that made him feel happy. He couldn't count how often he kissed Heero's neck to try and show how pleased he was having him so close.

Heero was clearing away the wine glasses, carrying them to the sink, when he nearly tripped over his own feet; he burst out laughing.

"Don't hurt yourself." Duo came to stand behind him and steadied him with a firm grip on his hips. Heero squirmed out of his hold with a chuckle and he put the glasses away in the kitchen. Then he hopped up onto the kitchen counter, and crooked his finger at his lover, beckoning him closer. He parted his knees in invitation. Duo closed the distance between them with big steps, inserting himself between Heero's thighs.

He leaned in for a kiss but the other tilted his head back, denying him with a breathy chuckle. Duo kissed his collarbone instead, exposed by the loose collar of the shirt that was several sizes too big for him. He put his hand on the small of Heero's back and inched him closer to the edge of the counter. Thankfully, it turned out neither had too much wine, and both were already aroused.

Duo put his hands under the shirt, mapping the smooth expanse of skin, locating the dimples at the tailbone, the countless bumps of the spine, and the sharp rises of his shoulder blades. Heero's hands explored Duo's chest and ghosted over his abdomen, going under the fabric as well to circle each ab.

"Will you let me kiss you now?" Duo moaned.

"… Yes…"

He raised his head and connected their mouths. Their lips moved together languidly. They panted harshly through their noses, neither wanting to interrupt the kiss to breathe through their mouths. Duo hooked his hands under Heero's knees and had him lock his legs around him, crossing them at the ankle behind him. He clawed at the thighs that held him in place, reveling in the texture of short hairs. Heero hadn't waxed in a while; he didn't shave every day either, and Duo liked the prickle of the dark stubble on his upper lip, chin and along his jawline. He liked scratching a finger through it; the sound of his nails catching on the miniscule hairs made him tingle.

They let their tongues meet between their parted lips before taking turns claiming the other's mouth as their own. Heero tightened his legs around Duo and rolled his hips, creating some friction that had them both moaning into the kiss, but it wasn't enough. Duo wormed one hand between them and divided his attention between their two arousals. Instantly, the friction went from not enough to too much and he stopped because he didn't want it to end with both of them coming in their pants. He paused the kiss only long enough to strip them both out of their shirts.

As they continued their kiss, he thumbed the sensitive nipples, and Heero jerked, almost as if Duo's touch had hurt him. But soon he writhed favorably in response and melted anew into the kiss. "Feeling good, baby?" Duo asked against his lips.

"I feel… soft…" he said, his eyebrows twitching as he acknowledged that was a strange answer. Rather than examine his reply, his tongue teased Duo into taking control of the kiss.

Duo ground their hips together. Heero wasn't "soft" at all. His cock was just as hard as Duo's, and just as painful in its need for release, he imagined. He was eager to get them to a bed and naked, so he made sure Heero's legs were still secure around him and directed his arms over his shoulder. He then lifted Heero up from the counter, helping support his weight with one arm snaked around his waist, and the other hand gripping his ass. Heero was small and light, and pretty easy to carry. He felt comfortable carrying him the distance to the bedroom. He walked carefully, because the kisses and the shifting of Heero's hips were distracting.

"Nnn… I'm-… I'm slipping," Heero mumbled against his lips.

Duo thought he had been holding him securely, but to put him at ease he adjusted his grip on him. "Don't worry, baby, I got you."

"No… Ahh…" Heero's fingers twisted into Duo's hair. He pressed their foreheads together. His eyes were squeezed shut. "I'm slipping," he repeated; he realized he wasn't making any sense. "I mean…" His groan was a mixture of frustration and pleasure. "Duo, I'm _slipping_ ," he whined.

Physical need and the effects of the alcohol impeded Heero's ability to express himself – and it similarly encumbered Duo's interpretive skills – but after hearing Heero repeat the out-of-place phrase a few times, it dawned on him what his lover was trying to say: the scale was careening to one side, and he was slipping away from the masculine end that he had comfortably occupied for the past few weeks. "I understand, baby. It's okay."

Heero kissed him again but he couldn't focus. "I'm slipping…" There was something so desperate and scared in his tone of voice.

Thankfully, Duo reached his bedroom; he lowered Heero onto the edge of the bed and kneeled on the floor in front of him. He brushed the hair out of Heero's face and cupped his jaw with both hands to make his partner look at him so he could study his expression. Heero looked the same as he had for weeks – scratchy stubble, unkempt eyebrows, no make-up, hairy legs and unshaved armpits – yet _different_ at the same time. His eyes were softer, lacking that cocky defiance that Duo had gotten used to staring back at him. His body seemed to shrink before him as he no longer kept his shoulders straightened, and he kept his knees together and his elbows tightly at his sides. His hands restlessly toyed with the three bracelets.

 _He's definitely 'slipping'_ , Duo agreed. He didn't know what he had done to trigger it, or if it even had anything to do with him at all, but it didn't faze him, even though he had never seen it happen like that; he had never been witness to the actual switch because it normally wasn't as jarring as this. He just wanted to make sure Heero was alright – he knew his lover had been dreading this moment.

Duo gently grabbed his hands to stop his fidgeting and he kissed his knuckles. "What do you want, baby? What do you need?"

"… I don't want you to stop."

Duo nodded. He rose up from the floor and took a seat next to him. They kissed again and he surmised Heero needed the distraction and the normalcy. He took it slow, giving Heero time to get his bearing and figure out where he'd land on the spectrum. He eased Heero down on his back and crawled half on top of him. He ground his erection against Heero's hips, not only to give himself some much-needed friction, but also to let Heero know that, regardless of the change he was going through, Duo still wanted him. He would always want him. He sighed when Heero grabbed at the front of his sweatpants and curled his hand around the long, thick shape.

After a while he moved them further up the bed and entangled their legs, offering Heero his thigh to rub himself again, to give him some relief. Heero gratefully rutted against him and moaned into the kiss.

"How do you feel, baby?" Duo inquired tentatively.

"Mmm, so good."

Duo smiled. He touched the three bracelets to clarify and asked again: "How do you feel?"

"… I feel rose gold," Heero said after a moment of contemplation.

Duo nodded and recaptured his lips. They hadn't definitively decided on the meaning of the bracelets yet, and Heero always wore all three of them. But as the conversation came up once or twice, Duo suggested he use the colors of the metals to roughly communicate where he was on the scale, to help Duo play into the kind of headspace he was in. All Heero would have to do was say the word, if he felt it would make him more comfortable and confident. "Silver" meant mostly male, "gold" was somewhere in the middle and "rose gold" was mostly female. It wasn't a very specific system and still left a lot unsure about where Heero was on the spectrum, but Heero couldn't always pinpoint his location for himself anyway, so there were few certainties to be offered. There was still a lot of room for variation in the three, very global categories, but the indication was a good place to start, and it was less awkward and less forced than having Heero try to give a ballpark percentage off the cuff.

"Oh God. I'm so stubbly and gross. I'm sorry." Heero's face twisted into a grimace.

"Nono, I won't have any of that," Duo shushed him. "I love it. I love you. You're my stubbly girl," he said with a smile.

Heero chuckled in relief at Duo's joke, which made him feel less self-conscious. They kissed again and Heero yelped when Duo tweaked his nipples. He teased the nubs, rolling them between his fingers. They were so hard. When he was done toying with them he slowly moved his hand south, gauging Heero's reactions as he went. He was still bucking his hips when the hand reached the waistband of his shorts, and Duo hooked one finger into it and let the elastic snap against his skin. His only response was a moan. He trusted Heero would have found a way to subtly communicate to him that his penis was off-limits if that was the case. He flattened his hand on the belly and slipped it into the shorts. Rather than wrapped his hand around the erection he encountered, he rubbed his palm up and down the underside as it curved up to Heero's belly button, and teased the crown and the slit with two fingers, mimicking the more delicate touch with which he used to search for and stimulate a lover's clit.

He rid them of their pants, to make it easier on both of them. Heero's fist was tight and purposeful as he pumped it up and down Duo's length, and eventually Duo braved to return the favor and he delighted in the fact that Heero thrust up into the tunnel he created with his hand. Maybe it meant Heero was barely "rose gold" and actually quite close to the middle range of the spectrum, considering he still liked having his dick manhandled; or maybe it meant he was finally becoming more comfortable in his own skin and accepting his male anatomy as part of the sex, even when he didn't identify as male. Duo hoped for the latter, but in the moment it wasn't important.

"Do you need a minute to get ready, or do you think it'll be okay?" Usually Heero preferred some time in the bathroom to properly clean himself and get himself ready, but they did skip that step from time to time, whenever they were both too impatient. Ultimately, the choice was always Heero's; they did whatever he was most comfortable with.

"It'll be okay."

Duo retrieved the lube from the night stand – they stopped using condoms a while ago since they were in an exclusive relationship. Heero applied the lube and quickly prepped himself.

"How do you want to do this?" The American asked.

"Sit up. I want to ride you cowgirl style."

Understandably, Duo made no objections. He sat up against the headboard and helped Heero seat himself on his lap, with his back towards him. Even though Duo couldn't see his face as well as he liked, he loved this position. Heero pleasuring himself on his dick wasn't only incredibly arousing, but also eliminated any need for concern on Duo's behalf, because Heero did whatever felt good to him and he wouldn't push himself too fast or hurt himself otherwise. It was also a comfortable position to let his hands roam over his body, especially when Heero was "rose gold" – the sex was always best when his penis wasn't in Duo's line of sight, and he was less shy and reluctant about letting Duo touch it. He latched his mouth onto Heero's neck, with every intention of leaving a deeply colored hickey and, when Heero begged him to "touch him", he happily obliged and pumped and twisted his fist up and down his manhood.

Heero's orgasm caught them both off guard. He tossed his head back on Duo's shoulder and let out a strangled cry. Duo milked him and moaned sweet nothings in his ear. "It's okay, pretty baby. I love it when you come. I'm proud that I can make you feel so good." His lover's body went boneless and he lost the strength in his legs to keep moving himself up and down. To follow him to post-orgasmic bliss, Duo grabbed a thigh with one hand to keep him still and stretched his other arm out over the headboard to give himself leverage so he could thrust up into him. Heero had been impossibly tight in the throes of his climax, but afterwards he was relaxed and his body was so welcoming. It didn't take long for Duo to reach his own peak. Heero moaned, feeling his partner release inside of him.

Once they both caught their breath, Duo helped his weakened lover up from his lap and laid him on his side next to him. Then, he made the effort to go to the bathroom to get them a wet washcloth to clean themselves off with, rather than using the tissues at his bedside.

He stood at the sink, washing himself first before wetting a washcloth under the faucet, when Heero appeared in the doorway on unsteady legs. He leaned his weight against the doorpost and smiled sheepishly.

"Hey, baby," Duo said. "Wanna shower instead?" Usually both Duo and Heero preferred to cuddle and fall asleep after sex, after only a hasty clean-up, even though the sex had gotten messier since they stopped using condoms – which was well worth the trouble, they both agreed. But maybe Heero wanted to be thorough because he didn't properly prepare himself beforehand.

"I want to shave," he stated and scratched at the dark shadow of hairs along his jawline.

"Can I do it?" Duo asked thoughtlessly. He considered backtracking when he noticed the flicker of discomfort in his lover's eyes, but then Heero agreed. Duo motioned for him to get closer and then he hooked his hands under his armpits and hoisted him up onto the edge of the sink.

Heero was silent and watched as Duo retrieve the shaving cream and his razor from the cabinet to his left. He squirted the cream onto his fingers and then rubbed it onto Heero's chin, upper lip and jawline, where it became foamy and white. He dabbed a dollop of it onto the tip of his nose and smiled warmly when that made Heero chuckle. Then he flicked it off with his thumb and got to work.

With a curled finger under Heero's chin, Duo directed his head into whatever angle that made it easiest, and dragged the razor along his skin. He regularly washed off the shaving cream that gathered on the head of the razor and the tiny hairs that got caught between the blades. Duo hadn't expected it, but there was something very intimate about the moment. He knew it required a lot of trust on Heero's behalf to let him do it, to let him get so up close and personal with the manly traits of his body, outside of the immediate need for sexual gratification. Somehow, shaving him was more personal and private than jerking him off.

When he was done, Duo used the washcloth he prepared earlier to clean away any excess shaving cream, and then he rained kisses on the newly smooth skin. Heero didn't have much or dense facial hair growth – probably something to do with his Asian heritage – and after a close shave his face was soft and hairless for a couple of days.

Heero twisted his neck to look at his own reflection over his shoulder, appreciating the new, clean-shaven look that he was used to from before. He turned back to face his partner. "Does it look good?"

"Always."

Heero let him shave his armpits as well, with his body razor from the shower, and after Duo had given him a gratuitous puppy-dog look, he even allowed him to shave around his genitals. Then they had fits of laughter as they used wax-strips on Heero's legs, and Heero convinced Duo to try one on himself. Duo didn't dare rip it off, so he gave his lover the honors and was practically howling when the strip came off, taking his dark leg hairs with it. Heero's reaction to getting waxed wasn't nearly as extreme – only a wince at the more sensitive spots; he was used to it and his leg hairs weren't as thick as Duo's.

Afterwards, once the laughter had died down and Duo's shin stopped throbbing, they showered together and Duo couldn't keep his hands off the smooth body. He took much longer than necessary to soap Heero up, and his hand followed the flow of water when he rinsed him off. Then it was his turn and he sighed pleasantly all the while as Heero massaged shampoo into his long hair.

There was some regret that he had let Heero wash his hair when it was time to dry it. It was late and they were both tired and longed for bed, but he had to go through the process of toweling and then blow-drying his hair. However, he was grateful that Heero kept him company throughout, perched on the edge of the bathtub, snacking on a slice of the cake that Nicole had baked for "girl's night". They chatted about the evening, having to raise their voices to be heard over the blow dryer.

When Duo was finally done and his hair felt dry, he put everything away and pulled his hair over his shoulder so he could braid the long mane. "I'm glad you have such good friends," he said.

Heero popped the last of the cake into his mouth and wiped the crumbs off his hand. "Me too."

Duo noticed the guilt in his eyes. Heero still wasn't over the fact that their relationship had put such a strain on Duo's friendship with Hilde that it imploded. He didn't let him go along with that train of thought and wondered: "Do you think the change had something to do with tonight? With being with the girls?" He held the end of his braid and rummaged through a drawer looking for an elastic.

"I don't think so."

"Did it have something to do with me? Was it something I did?" He sighed in relief when he found a spare hairband and quickly tied the end of his braid.

"Maybe. I don't know exactly." Heero looked hopeless and lost, and so small wearing yet another one of Duo's large shirts. "I've been so worried about it happening for the past month that I felt… like maybe I was clamping onto my masculinity, still subconsciously trying to hold myself in place on the scale. The past few weeks have been so easy. It frees up a lot of headspace, not needing to think every morning about who I am and how I should express that, and to what extent I'm _allowed_ to express that. When it's like that, I always start thinking the worst of what it's like to be slipping again and I really dread it, even though I'm used to it now and I know I can handle it and it's also kinda-… I don't know… I feel more like myself when I'm a little all over the place, you know? Sure, it's not easy, but it's also not… locked in. In a way I feel free."

Duo nodded as he listened attentively.

"But when I've been in one place for a while, I get used to it and it's like I forget about everything but the bad things about this gender-spectrum and I get scared. I get scared of… falling off the scale altogether, falling into nothingness. And I get scared of dragging you down with me."

"Baby…" Duo lowered himself onto his knees in front of him.

Heero shook his head, to stop him before he would further interrupt him with words of comfort. "I got scared when I was with Logan too. It broke us. I broke us. I didn't want to break _us_ ," he gestured between the two of them. "But you were so sweet this morning. You were there for me and you wouldn't budge, not even when I was at my most _mental_."

Duo allowed himself a chuckle as he recognized it to be a joke.

"And then tonight… With the girls. With you. You made me feel so safe, and loved, and perfect. You made me feel small, but in a good way – so small that I could fit in your arms and you could hold me and protect me. I think I slipped because I realized I shouldn't hold onto the scale, I should hold onto you. Because I know now that you're not going anywhere. You're so strong and so level that, somehow, you keep me grounded, even when everything gets turned upside down; and I don't have to be scared of slipping when I'm with you, because you'll never let me fall off the edge." Heero let out a choked sob and tears started streaming down his face, but they weren't tears of sadness.

Duo smiled up at him and placed a kiss on his bare knee.

"Your life would be so much easier if I'd just let you go and be with a real girl, like Hilde. But I don't want to let go, even though that's just me being selfish again."

"I don't want you to let go either. I don't love easy; I love _you_. You are my real girl." Duo reached up and tried to clean Heero face from tears, but more just kept falling.

"...I don't want to say it now," he mewled pathetically, "because I'm being crazy and I don't want this to be the moment that I say it. You deserve to hear it, but you deserve to hear it the right way."

Duo nodded; even though he was dying to hear him say the words, he knew Heero loved him even when he wouldn't say it. It was apparent in the way he vainly and wrongfully tried to protect Duo from himself for the past few months, by swallowing those three words every time. "You can say it whenever you want. It'll be perfect no matter what."

"Oh, fuck you for always saying the right thing," Heero groaned and they laughed together. "God, I'm hysterical," he said and he wiped at his eyes, cheeks and nose.

"You're just tired. Come on." Duo stood up and put one arm around Heero's shoulders and hooked the other under the bend of his knees, and he lifted him off the edge of the tub and carried him to his bedroom. Heero hadn't slept in his own bed since before Nicole's wedding – mid-December of last year – and Duo couldn't be happier. Heero's bedroom had basically become one giant, cluttered walk-in closet, with clothes everywhere. Duo already decided on what his next birthday present for his partner would be: to build him a proper closet and surprise him with it.

Duo tucked them both into bed and switched off the light. He cuddled up next to Heero, but rather than talk, or sleep, they kissed – sometimes innocent pecks on the lips, other times heated make-out sessions and everything in between. When Heero started to return his kisses lazily, Duo knew he was about ready to drift off, and he disconnected their mouths and guided Heero's head to rest on his chest. Heero's left hand lay on his chest as well, and Duo traced the oval shape of the three bangles. He whispered to him: "You're _everything_ to me, I'd do _anything_ for you, and _nothing_ can stand between us."

Duo regretted nothing, in spite of the hardships. He saw the world in vivid, ever-changing colors now, thanks to Heero.

Heero shifted, nuzzling his nose under Duo's chin, and soft lips pressed a kiss to the side of his Adam's apple. "Duo?"

"Hm?"

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"… I love you."

* * *

 **THE END**

 **I'll work on "Dirty Job" and see what I can work out with "Grounded" (I'd hoped to have it completely finished to continue with the weekly updates, but life took a toll and it's only halfway done); any suggestions? Hold off until it's complete or start posting and see how it progresses?**


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